The Scouser said, “You’re bullshitting me!”
The man behind the counter replied, “Well, you fucking started it.”
Why do Geordies rarely marry Scousers?
They are afraid their kids will be too lazy to steal.
What’s the difference between a cow and a tragedy?
A Scouser wouldn’t know how to milk a cow.
Eminem’s gig in Liverpool is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and, of course, the booze. Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and “judge the Liverpudlians for himself”.
What’s long, hard and fucks Scousers?
High school.
John Lennon Airport in Liverpool was shut for eight hours due to a “suspicious car” found within the perimeter. Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.
Did you hear about the ambidextrous Scouser?
He can sign on with both hands.
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked, it would get mugged.
Apparently 85 per cent of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower.
The other 15 per cent haven’t been to prison yet.
Two Liverpudlians die and go to meet their maker. When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter says, “No way, we don’t let Scousers in here.” The Scousers plead, telling him how they’ve been good Christians all their lives and deserve a second chance. So Peter tells them to wait while he has a word with God. God thinks it over for a while and then says, “Well, we don’t really want any Scousers in here, but the rules say that we’ve got to admit them if they’ve been good Christians, so you’d better let them in.”
Peter goes off, then comes running back minutes later: “God, God, they’ve gone, they’ve gone!”
“What? The Scousers have gone?”
“No, the gates!”
I saw a bumper sticker on a car that said, “I miss Liverpool”. So I smashed the window and stole the sat-nav.
A Scouser is sitting in a pub having a few drinks when in walks a gay customer. The gay man eyes him up and after a few beers finally plucks up the courage to approach the Scouser.
“Do you fancy a blow job?” he whispers.
The Scouser picks up a bar stool and batters the guy to a pulp, kicking him out of the door. The barman comes over and says; “Christ! That was a bit brutal! What did he say to you?”
“Dunno,” replies the Scouser, “something about a job.”
Rafa Benitez fies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is impressed and arranges for him to come over to England. Two weeks later, Liverpool are two-nil down to Chelsea with only twenty minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation – he scores a hat-trick in twenty minutes and wins the game for the reds! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
“Hello, mum, guess what?” he says. “I played for twenty minutes today, we were two-nil down but I scored three and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me. It’s wonderful!”
“Terrifc!” says his mum. “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot and robbed in the street, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother was beheaded by masked men, all while you were having such a wonderful time.”
The young lad is very upset, “What can I say, mum, but I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry?!!” says his mum, “Is that the best you can do? It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!”
What are the four most diffcult years for a Scouser?
Year eleven.
A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on, indicating to him to pull over. As the officer approaches the car, he sees that the Scouser is slapping the dog violently about the head. He instructs the driver to wind down his window. “Why are you hitting the dog?”
The Scouser replies, “The little bastard just ate my tax disc.”
Sean Connery is being interviewed by Jonathan Ross. He brags that, despite being in his seventies, he can still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who is also a guest on the show, is all ears. After the show, in the green room our Cilla says, “Sean, if I’m not being too forward, I’d luv to ’ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my place, we could ’ave a lorra lorra fun.”
So they go back to Cilla’s house and make themselves comfortable. After a couple of drinks they go off to bed and have an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good, just let me get my head down for half an hour and we can go again if you like. But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand.”
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, “Okay, luv.”
Sean sleeps for half an hour, then wakes up and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, “Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to—”
“Yes, I know, luv,” interrupts our Cilla. “Yer want me to ’old on to yer balls again. No problem hun.”
Cilla complies with the routine. The sex this time is the best she’s ever had. When it’s all over, Sean lights a cigarette and they have a gin and tonic. Cilla asks, “Sean luv, tell me something. This holding yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other malarkey. Does it really turn yer on that much?”
Sean replies, “No, not at all, Shilla, but the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.”
After a poor season the Ferrari Formula One team have decided to employ Liverpudlian teenagers as their pit crew because of their renowned skill at removing car wheels quickly. At their first practice session, not only did they change all four wheels in less than six seconds, within twelve seconds they had also re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for six cases of Stella, a bag of smack and a photo of Lewis Hamilton’s bird getting shagged up the arse.
What’s the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
Batman can go out at night without robin.
SECTARIANS
An Irish girl had not been home to visit her parents for years. Upon her return, her father berated her. “Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t you call? Can you not understand what you put your poor mother through?”
The girl, sobbing, replied, “Sorry dad. I was too ashamed. I became a prostitute.”
“What!!?” yelled her father. “Get out of here, you shameless slut! You’re a disgrace to this fecking family.”
“Okay, dad,” the girl sobbed, “as you wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat and this diamond necklace. And for my kid brother, this gold Rolex and for you, daddy, the keys to the Mercedes limited-edition convertible parked outside, plus a membership to the country club. There’s also an invitation for you all to spend Christmas on board my new yacht in the Riviera—”
“Bejesus!” interrupts her father. “Come here and give your old man a hug! You scared us half to death, lass! We thought for a minute you said you’d become a Protestant!”
What is two miles long and has an IQ of forty?
An Ulster Orangemen march.
The Protestant leader Reverend Ian Paisley is telling bedtime stories to his two granddaughters. “NOW, CHILDREN,” he asks gently, “WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR? A FAIRY TALE, OR A HORROR STORY?!”
“Horror, horror, please, grandad,” squeal the kids.
“RIGHT! ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WERE THESE TWO CATHOLICS. AND NOW THERE’S THOUSANDS OF THE BASTARDS!”
SEX AND THE ELDERLY
“That’ll be my arthritis,” she replies.
“I never heard of anyone having arthritis in their fanny before.”
“No,” she says. “It’s in my arms and hands. I can’t wipe me arse.”
An old man is kneeling by the bed. His wife says, “What are you praying for?”
“Guidance,” he replies.
She says, “Pray for stiffness – I’ll guide it in myself.”
What do you call a successful masturbation by a ninety-year-old man?
Miracle whip.
An elderly couple in their eighties just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel bridal suite she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. Meanwhile he is in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits . . . and waits . . . and waits . . . until she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
“Honey,” she says, “what on earth are you doing? I’m eighty-six years old and can’t get pregnant any more.”
He looks up at her and says, “I know, darling, but you know how the damp affects my arthritis.”
What’s the best form of birth control after fifty?
Nudity.
A ninety-year-old man went to see his doctor for a check-up.
“How are feeling in general,” asked his doctor.
“I’ve never felt better,” replied the old man. “I have an eighteen-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly patient who likes to shoot rabbits. One day when he was going out he got a little confused and he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the woods, he saw a rabbit raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”
The ninety-year-old considered this for a few seconds and said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
According to recent research, more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on seeking a cure for Alzheimer’s. This means that, by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why.
An elderly man goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with my sex life.”
The doctor asks, “Can you describe the problem?”
“Well, I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work.”
“Okay . . .” the doctor replies.
“I haven’t finished yet. I go for a walk in the park and shag my girlfriend in the bushes. Then at lunchtime I go to the pub and shag the young barmaid a couple of times. I go back home and shag my wife again in the afternoon. Then I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.”
“Well, I don’t see what the problem is.”
“Well, doctor,” says the old man, “it hurts when I have a wank.”
I met a much older woman in a bar last night. She was looking a bit ropey but she wasn’t bad for fifty-eight and she had a massive pair of tits. We had a few drinks and flirted, then she asked if I’d ever had a mother and daughter combo.
I said, “No.”
We had a couple more drinks then she told me that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place, barely concealing my excitement.
Then she put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: “Mother, are you still awake?”
A little boy and his grandad are playing in the garden. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandad, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you £5 you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. His grandad hands the little boy £5, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another £5. The little boy shakes his head: “Grandad, you already gave me £5?”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”
SEX EDUCATION
A young lad went to his father and asked, “Dad, what’s the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thinks for a moment and then replied, “Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Sean Connery for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”
So the lad went to his mother and asked: “Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?”
His mother replied, “Definitely, I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his older sister and asked: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?”
His sister replied: “Would I fuck Brad Pitt? Too fucking right I would!”
The lad thought about it for a few days and went back to his father. His father asked him “Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The lad replied, “Yes, dad. Potentially we’re sitting on two million quid. Realistically, however, we’re living with two slappers.”
The father replied, “That’s my boy.”
Jimmy’s dad asked him, “Do you know about the birds and the bees?”
“I don’t want to know!” little Jimmy cried, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Christ, dad . . .” Jimmy sobbed, “. . . when I was seven, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. When I was eight, I got the ‘There’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then when I was nine, you gave me the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
Jimmy and Jenny are just ten years old but they are in deeply in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Jimmy goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Jimmy bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr Jones, me and Jenny are in love and I would like your permission for her hand in marriage.”
Mr Smith smiles, “Well, Jimmy, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”
Without hesitation, Jimmy replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely.”
Mr Smith says: “Okay. How will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job and you’ll need to support Jenny.”
In an instant, Jimmy replies, “Our allowance: Jenny makes £5 a week and I make £5 a week. That’s about £40 a month, and that should do us just fne.”
By this time Mr Jones is a little taken aback by Jimmy’s self-assurance. After a few moments he says: “Well, Jimmy, it seems that you have got everything all fgured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”
Jimmy shrugs his shoulders. “That won’t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse.”
A mother and her thirteen-year-old are sitting watching the television when there’s a sex scene. The daughter shifts in her seat uncomfortably but mum thinks it’s a good time to show her daughter that she’s an open-minded parent, and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and so forth.
“So,” says mum, “is there anything you want to ask me about dating?”
“Oh, you know how it is,” replies the daughter uneasily, feeli
ng very uncomfortable about where this is going.
“Really now . . .” says mum, “. . . you can ask me anything. It’s really important for mums and daughters to talk about these things.”
“I don’t know,” answers the daughter.
“Don’t forget,” says mum, “I was a teenager once.”
“Okay,” says the reluctant daughter. “For starters, how do you get spunk out of your hair?”
A mother asked her daughter what she wanted for her birthday. The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”
“G.I. Joe?” the mother replies. “Doesn’t Barbie come with Ken?”
“No,” the daughter replied. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”
Jane met Tarzan for the first time. After some preliminary flirting, she asked him about his sex life. “Tarzan not know sex,” he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh, I understand. Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.” A little bemused, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong. But I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes and stood naked before him. “Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth revealing a huge erection, then directed an almighty kick right in her fanny. As Jane rolled around the foor in agony, she managed to gasp: “What did you do that for?”
“Tarzan check for bees.”
Little Tommy was watching television in his room one evening and decided to go downstairs to ask his mum and dad about something he’d just heard.
“Dad,” said Tommy “what’s love juice?”
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 42
