Mum and dad are horrifed. Eventually, dad finishes choking on his tea and decides to bite the bullet. “Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway, so here goes.” He gulps and continues, “One day you will meet a girl who you like and you will become very excited and your willy will get very hard. You might want to touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel damp. This is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she is ready for sexual intercourse.”
Tommy just sits there with his mouth wide open in astonishment. Dad finishes the talk and asks: “So, now you can tell me what it is you’ve been watching that you shouldn’t be.”
Tommy replies, “Wimbledon.”
A woman brings eight-year-old Jimmy home and complains to his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with her eight-year-old daughter.
“Let’s not be too harsh,” says Jimmy’s mum. “They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies the girl’s mother. “He’s removed her appendix!”
SEXIST JOKES ABOUT MEN
What a Man Means When he says . . .
I’m hungry – I’m hungry.
I’m tired – I’m tired.
Do you want to go to see a film? – I would like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? – I would like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? – I would like to have sex with you.
Would you like to dance? – I would like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! – Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage – I would like to have sex with you, but first I want you to take your clothes off so I can fondle you.
What’s wrong? – I don’t see why you’re making such a big fucking deal about a bit of a fondle.
What’s wrong? – What meaningless self-inflicted stupid psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? – Bollocks, guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored – Do you want to have sex or not?
I love you – I want it NOW!
I love you, too – Okay I’ve said it, so can we please have sex NOW!?
Yes, I like what you have done with your hair – I liked it better before.
Yes, I like what you have done with your hair – £30 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk – I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? – I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men.
I like that dress better – For fuck’s sake, just buy any dress and let’s go home!
I don’t think that top and that skirt go well together – I am gay.
What’s the definition of a competitive alpha male?
Someone who finishes first and third in the same masturbation contest.
Why are men like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours and half the time they don’t work.
How are men and linoleum foors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next twenty years.
International Rules for Men
1 Two men should never share an umbrella. It is only acceptable for a man to cry (a) during a film when a heroic dog dies to save its master (b) if a woman uses her teeth when giving him a blow job.
3 Any man who takes a camera with him on a stag night may be killed and eaten by his friends.
4 If you have known your mate for more than twenty-four hours his sister is off limits unless you actually marry her.
5 Never complain about the brand of free beer in your mate’s fridge. You may, however, complain if the temperature is unsuitable.
6 Never buy a birthday present for another man. If you even remember your mate’s birthday, you must celebrate at a strip joint of the birthday boy’s choice.
7 In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
8 While watching a sporting event on TV in a bar, you may ask the score of the game in progress but never ask who is playing.
9 You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she is officially your girlfriend.
10 The only time it is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic cocktail is when you are sunning yourself on a tropical beach, and only then if it is (a) delivered by a fit waitress and (b) free.
11 It is only ever permissible to kick another guy in the bollocks if you are in a life-threatening situation.
12 A man in the company of a hot, scantily dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
13 Never wear Speedos. It is also your duty to remind your friends that they should not wear Speedos.
14 Never fight naked.
15 If a man’s fly is open, never draw attention to it.
16 Women who claim that they enjoy watching sport should be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but never both at the same time. That would be greedy.
18 If you compliment a man on his six-pack, you had better be talking about his choice of beer.
19 Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she is withholding sex pending your response.
20 Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are both urinating. For all other situations, an imperceptible nod of acknowledgment is all the conversation you need.
21 Never allow a phone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her.
22 The morning after you and a female who was previously “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you are feeling guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
23 Never buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
24 The female who answers the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you would know what I want!” gets an Xbox 360.
25 There is no excuse for men to watch ice skating or men’s gymnastics, ever.
26 It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates.
27 There are only two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with male friends in the room. One is when you are watching porn, the other is when you are “spit roasting” a woman.
What three words are guaranteed to destroy a man’s ego?
“Is it in?”
How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
He’s breathing.
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Government bonds mature.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know. It’s never happened.
What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator and goes to bed. A married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a catfish?
One is a dirty scum-sucking, crap-eating, bottom feeder and the other one’s a fish.
How many bright, sensitive, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What do toilet bowls, anniver
saries and clitorises have in common?
Men miss all of them.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
How do men sort out their laundry?
Dirty, rank, rank but wearable.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
There isn’t enough time.
What do you call the useless bit of skin at the end of a penis?
A man.
What do men and public toilets have in common?
They’re both either busy or full of shit.
What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A sex-change operation.
SEXIST JOKES ABOUT WOMEN
Women are a bit like parking spaces. Normally all the good ones are taken. So occasionally, when no one’s looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.
What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
What woman can wash up with her left hand, cook tea with the right, sweep with one leg, dust with the other, and give a blow job and open beer with her arse?
A Swiss army wife.
What’s long and hard and makes women groan?
An ironing board.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five pints.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
What’s the most active muscle in a woman?
The penis.
Why are women like screen doors?
Once they have been banged a few times, they loosen up.
I like my women like my electrical gadgets: small, Japanese and bought on the street.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What is the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One is contract and the other is pay-as-you-go.
I met this bird in a bar. “Hey baby, what’s your sign?” I asked.
She replied: “Do not enter.”
I said: “Are you sure it isn’t ‘fat bird reversing’?”
My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always patronizing me. I really hate it when you finish my sentences.”
So I replied, “Period.”
How do you know when it’s time to wash the dishes?
Look inside your pants. If you have a dick, it isn’t time to wash the dishes.
Why do women shave under their arms?
So they can iron faster.
How do you stop a girl from falling off her bicycle?
Remove the saddle.
What’s the difference between a woman from Wigan and a walrus?
One’s fat and has a moustache and smells of fish, and the other lives in the sea.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry foat.
If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
£2.50 a minute.
How can you tell if a woman is wearing tights?
If she farts, her ankles swell.
Why do women have vaginas?
So men will talk to them.
What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
Her fleet.
Why do ballerinas wear tights?
So they won’t stick to the floor when they do the splits.
Having sex with a pregnant woman isn’t all bad. It’s when the baby starts giving you head.
What are the two most important holes in a woman’s body?
The nostrils. They enable her to breathe while she’s sucking your cock.
How do you know if a woman is wearing underwear?
Look for dandruff on her shoes.
Always try to treat your women the way you treat your vacuum cleaner. When it stops sucking, change the bag.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
What’s the difference between a man and a hog?
A hog doesn’t have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night long just to fuck some pig.
What is the definition of a perfect woman?
Three fleet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it. (N.B. The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.)
How many people does it take to write a sexist joke?
Two – the man to dictate it and the woman to type it.
How do you know if your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.
Why do women have foreheads?
So there’s somewhere to kiss them after a blowjob.
Why did cave-men drag their women by the hair?
If they dragged them by the fleet, they’d fill up with rocks.
Why do women have 2 per cent more brains then a cow?
So that when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
None – it should already be open when she brings it to you
Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
What is the best way to brainwash your wife?
Stand on her enema bag.
Why has there never been a woman on the moon?
Because it doesn’t need cleaning.
Why did God create women?
Because dogs can’t get beer out of the fridge.
A boy says to his mother one day: “Mum, why are wedding dresses white?”
She replies, “Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mum for this information and goes off to check this with his father. “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks up from reading his newspaper with some surprise.
“Well, you know, son, all household appliances come in white.”
Why do women have two sets of lips?
So they can piss and moan at the same time.
What is the difference between Meg Ryan and the Panama Canal?
The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Why do they call it pre-menstrual tension?
Because mad cow disease was already taken.
Why do women have small fleet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why are women like prawns?
Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great.
Women are just like cartons of orange juice. It’s not the shape or size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It’s getting those fucking flaps open.
Apparently a lot of women are reading this book. The dinner won’t cook itself, you know.
According to sex therapists, the most effective method of arousing a man is to lick his ears. Personally I think it’s bollocks.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?
Give the cow a shovel.
Scientists have identifed that after two years of marriage, many women develop something called “Dyson’s Syndrome”. They make a continuous whining noise, but no longer suck.
What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.
Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
Who cares?
Why does NASA always send a woman on shuttle missions?
They weigh twenty-five pounds less than an automatic dishwasher.
They say a woman’s work is never done. If you ask me they should get their shit together and try to be a little better
organized.
What’s the difference between a pit-bull and a woman with PMS?
Lip-gloss.
Creative Insults About Women
She has a cunt like a stab wound in a gorilla’s back
She looks like she’s been dunking for apples in a chip pan
She has had more hands up her than Kermit the frog
She has a face like a dog licking piss off a nettle
Her face looks like she’s been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe
She’s got a face that could make an onion cry
I wouldn’t ride her into battle
I wouldn’t do her with a rusty pole
She has more chins than a Chinese phone books
She smells like an alcoholic’s carpet
Shagging her is like shagging the sleeve off a wizard’s cloak
Why do women have legs?
Have you seen the trail snails leave?
A woman walks into a bar. Only joking, she was in the kitchen!
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Page 43
