The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes
Page 48
TV
What do you call a dog with two dicks?
The X Factor judging panel.
Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner. One was a middle-aged man in a wheelchair, the other was a younger man. Curious to know who they were, Matthew goes over to the duo and introduces himself and asks the older gentleman about his disability.
“My nephew Simon here and I are glaziers,” says the older man. “One day when Simon was up a ladder he slipped and dropped a pane of glass on me and it cut my legs clean off.”
“That’s terrible,” says Matthew. “But it’s tremendous that you’re here to support your nephew nevertheless. So who is he going to be?”
“Oh, I’m not supporting him,” said the older man. “We’re singing together”.
Matthew was baffled. He knew the back-stage make-up crew were good but he couldn’t figure out who these two going to become. Then the older guy put him out of his misery. “Tonight, Matthew, we’re going to be Simon and Half Uncle.”
What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?
Woody Headbanger.
Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
Because he’s a cunt.
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to seventy?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at sixty-nine.
According to a football commentator on TV recently: “There is nothing more painful than missing out in a place in the FA Cup Final.” Obviously, he has never experienced a paper cut on his bell end.
What’s red and blue with a long string?
A smurf on her period.
I’ve been banned from appearing on Mastermind. It turns out that masturbating over Beyoncé Knowles is not a specialist subject.
UNIVERSITY
I was eating an orange the other day when my clever university-educated girlfriend said, “Did you know, nothing rhymes with ‘orange’?”
So I threw the orange at her head and said, “Now your face is swollen red ’cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with ‘orange’, bitch?”
I was sitting on a bus in Oxford next to this university student: “Where are you from?” I asked.
He replied: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
I replied, “Okay . Where are you from, cunt?”
A girl goes into the doctor’s for a check-up. As she removes her bra, the doctor notices a large letter C in red on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” he enquires.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Cambridge University and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Cambridge sweatshirt, even when we shag,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue O on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Oxford and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we fuck,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green M on her chest. “I don’t suppose by any chance you have a boyfriend at Manchester University?” asks the doctor.
“No,” she replies. “But I have a girlfriend at Warwick. Why do you ask?”
An accountant, a lawyer and a window cleaner were standing side by side using a urinal in the toilets of a pub. The accountant finished, zipped up his trousers and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. By the time he had finished he used at least twenty paper towels. Realizing that the other two men were staring at him, he turned and commented, “I graduated from Edinburgh University and they taught us about good personal hygiene.”
The lawyer finished, zipped up his trousers and wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from Cambridge University and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”
The window cleaner zipped up and, as he was walking out of the door, said, “I dropped out of North Staffs Polytechnic. But they taught us not to piss on our hands.”
VALENTINES
Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You’re about to get fisted.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got Alzheimer’s,
This little piggy went to market.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Why give her fowers
When Rohypnol will do?
Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oh God I’ve just come,
Please pass me a hanky.
Roses are red,
It’s elementary,
Let’s ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.
Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And I’ll cum in your lap.
Roses are red,
Violets aren’t magenta,
If you have a baby,
I’ll eat the placenta.
Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.
Roses are groovy,
Violets are funky,
I’m thinking of you
And spanking my monkey.
Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m using my hand,
But I’m thinking of you.
Roses are dirty,
Violets have fleas,
Peel back my skin,
And lick off my cheese.
Roses are red,
When in reality,
Sleeping with girls
Don’t beat bestiality
Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.
Roses are red,
Skid marks are brown,
Give us a blow job
And swallow it down.
Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
You’re a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Im schizophrenic,
And I am too.
Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You're so crap in bed,
That I fucked your Alsatians.
VAMPIRES
Mummy, mummy, what’s a vampire?
Shut up, son, and eat your soup before it clots.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, his face covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Soon all the other bats could smell the blood and wanted to know where he got it. The bat told them to clear off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“Okay, follow me,” he said, and flew out of the cave with thousands of bats behind him, down through a valley, across a river, until they arrived in a huge forest. Finally he stopped and all the other bats milled excitedly around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
“See that large oak tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, YES!!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat. “Because I fucking well didn’t.”
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
“See you next month.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third asks for a mug of hot water.
“Why didn’t you order blood like everyone else?” asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a
tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
Why did the vampire visit the orthodontist?
To improve his bite.
VEGETARIANS
Why does vegan cheese taste like shit?
Because it hasn’t been tested on mice.
My vegetarian wife and I were in a restaurant recently with friends and, as usual, after she passed on the meat and asked for more potatoes, I was asked the same old question: “So, where does she get her protein?”
I replied, “She swallows.”
Why do vegetarians give good head?
Because they are used to eating nuts.
If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of food?
Mahatma Gandhi, the revered Indian leader, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of bunions on his fleet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. He also endured a strict vegetarian diet, which meant that he suffered from bad breath. In short, he was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
What do vegetarian worms eat?
Linda McCartney.
Paul McCartney’s children are sitting down to a family dinner. Paul comes in with a tear in his eye and says “Kids, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that, tragically, your mother Linda finally lost her fight with cancer last night and died. The good news is . . . sausages for dinner!”
The Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It’s called Not Poodle.
VENTRILOQUISTS
I think my uncle was a ventriloquist, He used to put his hand up my bum and tell me not to say anything.
A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He decides to have a little fun.
“Hello my friend! Good looking dog you have there. Mind if I speak to him?”
The Welshman looks up and down and says, “The dog doesn’t talk, tosser!”
The ventriloquist continues: “Hello dog, how’s it going, old friend?”
“Not bad, thanks,” replies the dog.
A look of extreme shock passes across the Welshman’s face.
“Is this Welsh guy your owner?”
“Yep,” says the dog.
“How does he treat you?”
“No complaints. He walks me twice a day and gives me decent food.” The Welshman’s face is a picture of utter disbelief. The ventriloquist asks him: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
“Err, the horse doesn’t talk either, as far as I know,” replies the Welshman
“Hey horse,” says the ventriloquist, “how’s it going, mate?”
“Cool,” says the horse.
At this point the Welshman falls off his porch.
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?
Horse: “Yep.”
Ventriloquist: “How’s he treat you?”
Horse: “Not bad, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down and regularly changes the straw in my stable.”
“Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
The Welshman replies, “The sheep’s a fucking liar.”
A ventriloquist is touring the pubs and clubs in London. One night he’s doing a show in a small venue above a pub in the West End. He’s going through his usual routine with his dummy on his knee, reciting some dumb blonde jokes. The show is going well and the audience seem to be enjoying themselves, until a blonde woman stands on her chair and starts heckling.
“I’ve had enough of you and your stupid blonde jokes. What gives you the right to disrespect blonde women like that? What does the colour of a woman’s hair have to do with her intelligence or her worth as a human being? It’s people like you who keep people like me from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to stereotype not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde interrupts, “You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
VETS
A man takes his rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
The vet picks the dog up and has a good look at his eyes. “Well,” says the vet, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What?” says the man in disbelief. “Because he’s crosseyed?”
“No,” replies the vet. “Because he’s heavy.”
I was having some problems with my Staffordshire bull terrier so I rang the vet for some advice. I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
“Muzzle ’im?” suggested the vet.
“No,” I replied. “I’m fairly sure he’s an athiest.”
VIAGRA
An woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido. “Have you thought about getting him to try Viagra?” asks the doctor.
“Not a chance,” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Well,” replied the doctor. “He doesn’t need to know about it. Just drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t even a week later that she called the doctor, who directly enquired as to progress.
The old woman exclaimed, “Oh, it was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!”
“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging! With one wild lunge, he ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the floor! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”
“It the best sex I’ve had in twenty-five years! Unfortunately, I’ll never be able to show me face in Tesco again.”
Why do they give Viagra to old men in nursing homes?
So they don’t roll out of bed.
A man goes to the chemist’s and asks for a pack of Viagra. “Do you have a prescription?” the pharmacist asks.
“No,” he replied, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Sausage, bacon, black pudding, eggs, beans, perhaps some fried bread? Or how about a nice bowl of muesli and a cup of fresh coffee?”
“No thanks,” replies her husband. “It’s the Viagra. It’s taken the edge off my appetite.” Three hours later she asks if he would like some lunch.
“A ploughman’s, maybe, or some pea and ham soup? Or I could fix you a cheese sandwich with a glass of wine?”
Again he declines. “No thanks. It’s the Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
A few hours later she asks if he wants any dinner. “I could go the chip shop and get us some fish and chips, or would you prefer a pizza? Or what about a take-away Chinese?”
Again he declines. “Nah, I’ll pass, thanks. It’s the Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well, then,” she replies, “would you mind getting off me for ten minutes? I’m fucking starving.”
A man went to his chemist and asked for a double dose of Viagra.
“I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to give you a double dose,” replied the chemist.
“Why not?”
“Because it isn’t safe,” replied the chemist.
“But I need it really badly,” said the man. “My mistress is coming into town tomorrow, “I’m seeing my new girlfriend tonight and my wife comes home on Monday. Can’t you see? I’ve got to have a double dose.”
The pharmacist relented. “Okay, I’ll give it to you,
on one condition – you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday morning the man dragged himself into the chemist with his right arm in a sling. The pharmacist asked, “What happened to you?”
The man said, “None of them showed up.”
An elderly gentleman went to the local chemist’s and asked for some Viagra. The chemist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”
The old man answered, “Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.”
The chemist said, “That won’t do you any good.”
The old man replied, “That’s all right. I don’t need them for sex any more. I am eighty-three years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t piss on my shoes.”
As of today, Viagra will also be available over the counter by its correct generic medical name. Please ask your pharmacist for “Mycoxafloppin”.
VIBRATORS
What’s an Aboriginal vibrator?
Eight wasps in a sherry bottle.
What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
An epileptic pig.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since.
“Ann Summers has just launched the most realistic vibrator yet. Just before you reach a climax, it ejeculates, farts, goes limp, rolls over and then it switches itself of. ”