Carrie Diaries

by Кэндес Бушнелл

  Did Sebastian really call her?

  And where is Sebastian anyway?

  I manage to get through assembly by berating myself for my behavior. What was I thinking? Why did I piss off the most powerful girl in the school over a guy? Because I got the opportunity, that’s why. And I took it. I couldn’t help myself. Which makes me a not-very-logical and perhaps not-very-nice person as well. I’m really going to get into trouble for this one. And I probably deserve it.

  What if everyone is mad at me for the rest of the year?

  If they are, I’ll write a book about them. I’ll send it into the summer writing program at The New School, and this time I’ll get in. Then I’ll move to New York and make new friends and show them all.

  But right as we’re shuffling out of assembly, Lali finds me. “I’m proud of you,” she says. “I can’t believe you stood up to Donna LaDonna.”

  “Eh, it was nothing.” I shrug.

  “I was watching the whole time. I was afraid you were going to start crying or something. But you didn’t.”

  I’m not exactly a crybaby. Never have been. But still.

  The Mouse joins us. “I was thinking…. Maybe you and me and Danny and Sebastian could go on a double date when Danny comes up to visit.”

  “Sure,” I say, wishing she hadn’t said this in front of Lali. With Maggie mad at me, the last thing I need is for Lali to feel left out as well. “Maybe we can all go out. In a group,” I say pointedly, adding, for Lali’s sake, “Since when did we start needing boyfriends to have fun?”

  “You’re right,” The Mouse says, catching my drift. “You know what they say: A woman needs a man about as much as a fish needs a bicycle.”

  We all nod in agreement. A fish may not need a bicycle, but it sure as hell needs friends.

  “Ow!” Someone pokes me in the back. I turn, expecting to see one of Donna LaDonna’s lieutenants. Instead, it’s Sebastian, holding a pencil and laughing.

  “How are you?” he asks.

  “Fine,” I say, heavy on the sarcasm. “Donna LaDonna was sitting in my seat when I got to assembly.”

  “Uh-huh,” he says noncommittally.

  “I didn’t see you in assembly.”

  “That’s because I wasn’t there.”

  “Where were you?” I can’t believe I just said that. When did I turn into his mother?

  “Does it matter?” he asks.

  “There was a scene. With Donna LaDonna.”

  “Nice.”

  “It was ugly. Now she really hates me.”

  “You know my motto,” he says, playfully tapping me on the nose with his pencil. “Avoid female trouble at all costs. What are you doing this afternoon? Skip swim practice and let’s go somewhere.”

  “What about Donna LaDonna?” It’s the closest I can come to asking if he called her.

  “What about her? You want her to come too?”

  I glare at him.

  “Then forget about her. She’s not important,” he says as we take our seats in calculus.

  He’s right, I think, opening my book to the chapter on rogue integers. Donna LaDonna is not important. Calculus is, along with rogue integers. You never know when a rogue integer is going to show up and ruin your entire equation. Perhaps that’s how Donna LaDonna feels about me. I am a rogue integer and I must be stopped.

  “Carrie?”

  “Yes, Mr. Douglas?”

  “Could you come up here and finish this equation?”

  “Sure.” I pick up a piece of chalk and stare at the numbers on the blackboard. Who could ever imagine that calculus would be easier than dating?

  “So the long knives are out,” Walt says, referring to the assembly incident with a certain degree of satisfaction. He lights a cigarette and tilts back his head, blowing smoke into the rafters of the dairy barn.

  “I knew he liked you,” The Mouse says triumphantly.

  “Mags?” I ask.

  Maggie shrugs and looks away. She’s still not talking to me.

  She grinds her cigarette under her shoe, picks up her books, and walks off.

  “What’s eating her?” The Mouse asks.

  “She’s mad at me because I didn’t tell her about Sebastian.”

  “That’s stupid,” The Mouse says. She looks at Walt. “Are you sure she’s not mad at you?”

  “I’ve done absolutely nothing. I am blame-free,” Walt insists.

  Walt has taken the breakup awfully well. It’s been two days since Walt and Maggie had their “talk,” and their relationship seems to be nearly the same as it was before, save for the fact that Maggie is now officially dating Peter.

  “Maybe Maggie’s mad at you because you’re not more upset,” I add.

  “She said she thought we made better friends than lovers. I agreed,” Walt says. “You don’t get to make a decision and then be angry about it when the other person agrees with you.”

  “No,” says The Mouse. “Because that would require a certain degree of logic. It’s not a criticism,” she says quickly, catching the warning expression on my face. “But it’s true. Maggie isn’t the most logical person.”

  “But she is the nicest.” I’m thinking I’d better go after her, when Sebastian appears.

  “Let’s get out of here,” he says. “I just got accosted by Tommy Brewster who kept asking me something about chickens.”

  “You guys are too cute,” Walt says, shaking his head. “Just like Bonnie and Clyde.”

  “What should we do?” Sebastian asks.

  “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” Now that we’re in Sebastian’s car, I suddenly feel insecure. We’ve seen each other three days in a row. What does it mean? Are we dating?

  “We could go to my house.”

  “Or maybe we should do something.” If we go to his house, all we’ll do is make out. I don’t want to be the girl who only has sex with him. I want more. I want to be his girlfriend.

  But how the hell do I do that?

  “Okay,” he says, resting his hand on my leg and sliding it up my thigh, “Where do you want to go?”

  “Don’t know,” I say glumly.

  “The movies?”

  “Yeah.” I perk up.

  “There’s a great Clint Eastwood retrospective at the Chesterfield Theatre.”

  “Perfect.” I’m not sure I know exactly who Clint Eastwood is, but having agreed, I don’t know how to admit it. “What’s the movie about?”

  He looks at me and grins. “Come on,” he says, as if he can’t believe I would ask such a question. “And it’s not a movie. It’s movies — plural. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and The Outlaw Josey Wales.”

  “Fantastic,” I say, with what I hope is enough enthusiasm to cover up my ignorance. Hey, it’s not my fault. I don’t have any brothers, so I’m completely ignorant about guy culture. I sit back in the seat and smile, determined to approach this date as an anthropological adventure.

  “This is great,” Sebastian says, nodding his head as he becomes more and more excited about his plan. “Really great. And you know what?”

  “What?”

  “You’re great. I’ve been dying to check out this retrospective forever and I can’t think of any other girl who would go with me.”

  “Oh,” I say, pleased.

  “Normally girls don’t like Clint Eastwood. But you’re different, you know?” He takes his eyes off the road for a second and looks at me. His expression is so earnest, I can almost picture my heart melting into a little pool of sticky sweet syrup. “I mean, it’s kind of like you’re more than a girl.” He hesitates, searching for the perfect description. “It’s like — you’re a guy in a girl’s body.”

  “What?”

  “Take it easy. I didn’t say you looked like a guy. I meant you think like a guy. You know. You’re kind of practical but tough. And you’re not afraid to have adventures.”

  “Listen, buster. Just because someone is a girl doesn’t mean she can’t be tough and practical and have ad
ventures. That’s the way most girls are — until they get around guys. Then guys make them act all stupid.”

  “You know what they say — all guys are assholes and all women are crazy.”

  I take off my shoe and hit him.

  Four hours later, we stumble out of the theater. My lips are raw from kissing, and I feel slightly woozy. My hair is matted and I’m sure I’ve got mascara smudged all over my face. As we step out from the darkness into the light, Sebastian grabs me, kisses me again, and pushes back my hair.

  “So what’d you think?”

  “Pretty good. I love the part where Clint Eastwood shoots Eli Wallach down from the noose.”

  “Yeah,” he says, putting his arm around me. “That’s my favorite part too.”

  I pat my hair, trying to make myself look slightly respectable and not like I’ve been making out with a guy in a movie theater for half the day. “How do I look?”

  Sebastian steps back and grins appraisingly. “You look just like Tuco.”

  I swat his butt. Tuco is the name of the Eli Wallach character, aka “the Ugly.”

  “I think that’s what I’m going to call you from now on,” he says, laughing. “Tuco. Little Tuco. What do you think?”

  “I’m gonna kill you,” I say, and chase him all the way across the parking lot to the car.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Creatures of Love

  I lay low for the next couple of days, steering clear of Donna LaDonna by skipping assembly and avoiding the cafeteria during lunch. On the third day, Walt tracks me down in the library, where I’m hiding in the self-help section of the stacks, secretly reading Linda Goodman’s Love Signs in a futile attempt to discern if Sebastian and I have a future. Problem is, I don’t know his birthday. I can only hope he’s an Aries and not a Scorpio.

  “Astrology? Oh no. Not you, Carrie,” Walt says.

  I shut the book and put it back on the shelf. “What’s wrong with astrology?”

  “It’s dumb,” Walt says snidely. “Thinking you can predict your life from your birth sign. Do you know how many people are born each day? Two million five hundred and ninety-nine. How can two million five hundred and ninety-nine people have anything in common?”

  “Has anyone mentioned that you’ve been in a really bad mood lately?”

  “What are you talking about? I’m always like this.”

  “It’s the breakup, isn’t it?”

  “No, it’s not.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “Maggie’s in tears,” he says suddenly.

  I sigh. “Is it about me?”

  “Not everything’s about you, Bradley. Apparently she had some kind of fight with Peter. She sent me to find you. She’s in the girls’ room by the chemistry lab.”

  “You don’t have to run errands for her.”

  “I don’t care,” Walt says, as if the whole situation is pointless. “It’s easier than not doing it.”

  Something is definitely wrong with Walt, I think, as I hurry away to meet Maggie. He’s always been slightly sarcastic and cynical, which is what I love about him. But he’s never been this world weary, as if everyday life has drained him of the strength to continue.

  I open the door to the small lav in the old part of the school that hardly anyone uses because the mirror is mangy and all the fixtures are from about sixty years ago. The writing scratched into the stalls appears to be about sixty years old as well. My favorite is, For a good time, call Myrtle. I mean, when was the last time someone named their kid Myrtle?

  “Who’s there?” Maggie calls out.

  “It’s me.”

  “Is anyone with you?”

  “No.”

  “Okay,” she says, and comes out of the stall, her face swollen and blotchy from crying.

  “Jesus, Maggie,” I say as I hand her a paper towel.

  She blows her nose and looks at me over the tissue. “I know you’re all caught up in Sebastian now, but I need your help.”

  “Okay,” I say cautiously.

  “Because I have to go to this doctor. And I can’t go alone.”

  “Of course.” I smile, grateful that we seem to have made up. “When?”

  “Now.”

  “Now?”

  “Unless you have something better to do.”

  “I don’t. But why now, Maggie?” I ask with growing suspicion. “What kind of doctor?”

  “You know,” she says, lowering her voice. “A doctor for…women’s stuff.”

  “Like abortion?” I can’t help it. The word comes out in a loud gasp.

  Maggie looks panicked. “Don’t even say it.”

  “Are you — ?”

  “No,” she says, in a heated whisper. “But I thought I might be. But then I got my period on Monday.”

  “So you did it…without protection?”

  “You don’t exactly plan these things, you know,” Maggie says defensively. “And he’s always pulled out.”

  “Oh, Maggie.” Even if I haven’t had actual sex, I know quite a bit about the theories behind it, the number one fact being that the pull-out method is known not to work. And Maggie should know this too. “Aren’t you on the pill?”

  “Well, I’m trying to be.” She grimaces. “That’s why I have to go to this doctor in East Milton.”

  East Milton is right next to our town, but it’s supposedly filled with crime, and nobody goes there. They don’t even go through it, under any circumstances. Honestly, I can’t believe there’s even a doctor’s office there. “How did you find this doctor anyway?”

  “The Yellow Pages.” I can tell by the way she says it that she’s lying. “I called up and I got an appointment for twelve thirty today. And you have to go with me. You’re the only person I can trust. I mean, I can’t exactly go with Walt, can I?”

  “Why can’t you go with Peter? He’s the person who’s responsible for all this, right?”

  “He’s kind of pissed at me,” Maggie says. “When he found out I might be pregnant he freaked out and didn’t talk to me for twenty-four hours.”

  There is something about this whole scenario that just isn’t making sense. “But, Maggie,” I counter, “when I saw you on Sunday afternoon, you said you’d had sex with Peter for the first time...”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yes, you did.”

  “I don’t remember.” She grabs a handful of toilet paper and puts it over her face.

  “It wasn’t the first time, was it?” I say. She shakes her head. “You’d slept with him before.”

  “That night after The Emerald,” she admits.

  I nod slowly. I walk to the tiny window and look out. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Oh, Carrie, I couldn’t,” she cries. “I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I was scared. I mean, what if people found out? What if Walt found out? Everyone would think I was a slut.”

  “I would never think you were a slut. I wouldn’t think you were a slut if you slept with a hundred men.”

  This makes her giggle. “Do you think a woman can sleep with a hundred men?”

  “I think she could, if she worked really, really hard at it. I mean, you’d have to sleep with a different guy every week. For two years. You practically wouldn’t have time for anything but sex.”

  Maggie throws away the tissue and looks at herself in the mirror as she pats cold water on her face. “That sounds just like Peter. All he thinks about is sex.”

  No kidding. Hell. Who knew nerdly old Peter was such a stud?

  The doctor’s office should be fifteen minutes away, but thirty minutes have passed and we still can’t find it. So far we’ve nearly backed into two cars, driven over four curbs, and run over a handful of french fries. Maggie insisted we stop at McDonald’s on the way, and when we got our food into the car, she lurched out of the parking lot with so much force all my french fries flew out the window.

  Enough! I want to scream. But I can’t do that — not when I’m trying to get one of m
y best friends to a crackpot doctor’s office to get a prescription for birth control pills. So when I look at my watch and see that it’s past twelve thirty, I gently suggest we stop at a gas station.

  “Why?” Maggie asks.

  “They have maps.”

  “We don’t need a map.”

  “What are you, a guy?” I open the glove compartment and look inside in despair. It’s empty. “Besides, we need cigarettes.”

  “My goddamn mother,” Maggie says. “She’s trying to quit. I hate when she does that.”

  Luckily, the cigarette issue distracts us from the fact that we are lost, we are in the most dangerous town in Connecticut, and we are losers. Enough to get us to a gas station anyway, where I am forced to flirt with a pimply faced attendant while Maggie takes a nervous leak in the dirty bathroom.

  I show the attendant the piece of paper with the address on it. “Oh, sure,” he says. “That street is right around the corner.” Then he starts making shadow figures on the side of the building.

  “You’re really good at doing a bunny,” I say.

  “I know,” he says. “I’m going to quit this job soon. Going to do shadow figures at kids’ parties.”

  “I’m sure you’ll have a huge clientele.” All of a sudden, I’m feeling kind of sentimental toward this sweet, pimply faced guy who wants to do shadow figures at children’s parties. He’s so different from anyone at Castlebury High. Then Maggie comes out and I hustle her into the car, making my hand into a barking dog shape as we peel out of there.

  “What was that about?” Maggie asks. “The hand. Since when do you do shadow puppets?”

  Ever since you decided to have sex and didn’t tell me, I want to say, but don’t. Instead I say, “I’ve always done them. You just never noticed.”

  The address for the doctor’s office is on a residential street with tiny houses crammed right next to one another. When we get to number 46, Maggie and I look at each other like this can’t be right. It’s just another house — a small, blue ranch with a red door. Behind the house we discover another door with a sign next to it that reads, DOCTOR’S OFFICE. But now that we’ve finally found this doctor, Maggie is terrified. “I can’t do it,” she says, slumping onto the steering wheel. “I can’t go in.”