Starting Over (Sugar Creek Romance )

by Jordan Silver

  “It’s okay I didn’t think you meant that. I appreciate it really, but you don’t have to.” Though the fifty she held out could be put to good use, I wasn’t that desperate yet to take the poor girl’s money. She’d told me her story throughout the night as I followed her from table to table.

  She had a kid at home to feed and no husband. I couldn’t in all good conscience take food from her son’s mouth. She shrugged and put the money away with the rest of her tips which weren’t too shabby for a night’s pay, and that too helped ease the strain I’d been laboring under since this whole mess began.

  3

  Julie

  We went to a different office from Sandy’s where the night manager was busy watching the monitors, keeping an eye on the floor while doing paperwork. They both walked me through the checkout process, which was relatively painless.

  After that I went in search of Sandy and knocked on her door. “It’s open!”

  She smiled when she saw it was me. “So how was it? Come in, close the door.” She swung around in her chair behind the desk as she ushered me into the room. It felt good to get off my feet, like I hadn’t sat in forever. “It wasn’t as bad as I feared and if I only have to do it four nights a week I think I’ll be fine.”

  I knew I owed my old friend a hell of a lot after the shitty way I’d treated her in the past. All it had taken was one phone call. There were no questions, no recriminations. Just come on back and we’ll take care of you. Not even my own family had been that welcoming.

  “I told you. I did it for a while when Kev first opened the place so I knew you’d be fine. How were the guys? They weren’t too assholish were they? I know some of them can be a bit much to take, but once you get used to it you’ll see they’re harmless.”

  “They were fine. Lucy played mama bear so that pretty much kept them in line.” She was right, that was gonna take getting used to. After years of hiding in the shadows, being front and center was going to take some time.

  Robert never liked me being around people, something I’d learned way too late along with a hell of a lot of other shortcomings that should’ve been huge warning signs. Just thinking about him brought that cold chill that ran down my spine more and more of late. That, and the reminder, that I had been a total and complete fool for the past ten years.

  “You’re doing it again.” Sandy’s voice pulled me back to the room where we sat. “Doing what?”

  “Thinking about him. I always know when he steps into the room because you get this look on your face. I know I told you I wouldn’t push, but maybe if you talked about it…”

  I’d been putting this off for the past week or so since I moved back to my hometown but I knew the time would come when I’d have to share. I’m surprised she’d let me go this long without spilling, but maybe she was right. A quick look at my watch showed that I still had a half an hour before I had to go.

  “I don’t even know where to start.” I hadn’t talked about my life to anyone not even family members. I just never felt like anyone would listen. They’d all been so proud when I’d married Robert, even when I’d had doubts and my heart had been elsewhere…that’s a whole other story, better leave that alone for now.

  “Just start at the beginning. I don’t know about you, but when I heard your voice on the phone it felt like the years had just melted away. It was like we were back in high school again; remember? We shared everything back then. There wasn’t anything we didn’t tell one another.” Another lie I’m gonna have to live down, because there was one huge secret I hadn’t told her and probably never would.

  I took a deep breath before diving in. “Well, let’s just say that the Robert you met is not the Robert I was married to for the last ten years.” I shook my head at my own folly. She didn’t say a word, just placed that finger of hers under her chin the way she always used to when she was paying attention and let me get my thoughts together.

  “It started with little things you know. Don’t wear this; don’t talk to this person. Where are you going? Who was that on the phone? Then when I wanted to go to work that was a problem too, and stupid me I believed he just wanted to take care of me. I didn’t see that he was trying to control me. You got any water in that fridge?” I pointed to the mini fridge in the corner and she rolled her chair over to get us both a bottle.

  I took a deep swallow, the first in hours before continuing my story. “Anyway, I went along with everything because that’s what I thought I was supposed to. Mom always deferred to dad and that’s pretty much all I knew, so I didn’t think too much of it at the time.”

  “Then the complaints started. The food wasn’t good enough, or the house wasn’t cleaned the way he liked. My hair wasn’t just right. But I don’t think even with all that that my eyes were opened until the day two weeks after I gave birth to Dylan when he called me fat. I’d only gained fifteen pounds with my pregnancy.”

  I accepted the look of distaste on her face, I’ve worn it a time or two myself when dealing with my soon to be ex. “Of course I stayed even as things got worse, even…even after the first time he hit me.” I saw her body jerk as if taking a blow and bowed my head in shame at the sheen of tears in her eyes.

  “He hit you? That weak son of a bitch, I ought to go find him and kick his ass.” My loud bark of laughter broke the tension. Her reaction was just what I needed to ease the pressure in my chest; like old times. “Easy tiger, let’s hope neither of us ever have to see him again.” I told her about the restraining order I’d been forced to take out against the man I shared children with, and how hard that decision had been to make on my own.

  I told her about the lies and heartache when the truth finally came out. The stares from the neighbors who’d suspected all along that my life was an unraveling lie but who’d been kept at a distance at my husband’s behest and so had no way of letting me in on the secret.

  “You know I still don’t know if he kept me isolated so that I never found out the truth about him? Or if that’s just the way he is. I just know that once the veil came off and the truth started flooding out I was at a loss. I never knew one person could keep so many secrets for so long. He even fooled my dad and that’s something I would’ve never believed possible.”

  “So he wasn’t a big shot exec after all?” I could well understand her look of confusion.

  “Oh no he was, but he was also doing some shady shit under the table which his bosses kept under wraps for fear of getting the company in trouble. It’s all very confusing and by the time I found out what was going on I just wanted out of there anyway.”

  “I’d long lost whatever feelings I had for the man since like the first six months of marriage, so what he did or didn’t do was no longer of any concern to me. I just worry about my kids. They love their dad and it would break my heart to take away that ideal they have of him. I don’t think they’d understand anyway at their age, but I knew I couldn’t stay.”

  “What about alimony, child support? Does he even still have a job?”

  “Oh he does. His dad stepped in and cleaned up his mess, but he has to repay the money he stole or face a jail sentence. That’s why it took the lawyer so long to work out some kind of payment deal. If it were up to Robert he wouldn’t give us a dime. The house belonged to the company, something else I didn’t know. He’d led me to believe it was a gift from his parents.”

  “Was anything about this guy even real?” I had to think about that one. Even as the humiliation beat strongly in my chest, I had to accept that I had made the biggest mistake of my life when I said, ‘I do’ to that scum.

  “His hair, he does have good hair.” That was good for another laugh. But when I thought of what all I’d lost when I chose him, it made my heart hurt. Not that Kevin had offered marriage that night so long ago. And the reality was that I’d been purely selfish when I turned to him the night before walking down the aisle. It’s as if I knew even back then that I didn’t want to give the man my dad had chosen for me my most pr
ecious gift.

  I have to stop thinking about this. It’s in the past and I’m sure never to be revisited again. But from the moment I realized my marriage was over my mind has been filled with Kevin and that one night we’d shared. If I were honest it had started long before that. In fact, that night was never far from my thoughts. Something I used to feel horrible guilt over.

  4

  Julie

  After I’d told my friend as much of the sordid details of my life I could stomach for one night it was time to head back to the depressing little room and the one thing I found pleasure in these days, my kids. As I got behind the wheel I took one last look in the mirror, stupidly hoping that somehow Kevin would be there, watching. It’s a scene I’ve played out numerous times in the last few days.

  Truth be told I’d been on pins and needles all night expecting him to walk in. The longing that I’d kept leashed all these years seemed boundless now that I was back here where it all happened. And though I expected him to be angry and hateful after the way I’d left things, my stupid heart couldn’t wait for that first sight of him.

  It had taken me this long to admit to myself that I was truly head over heels in love with him, always had been. What had started out as a teenage crush on my best friend’s brother at age fifteen had blown into full-fledged love by the time I turned eighteen. Only the town’s heartthrob had been way out of my league and had never given me the time of day.

  Until that night ten and a half years ago, when in one moment of heated passion we’d given in. Or I’d seduced him more like. I still don’t know what had come over me then. I just knew that I wanted Kevin Hunt to be the man to take my virginity.

  I knew even as I gave myself to him that it would be a one-night stand. Not that I’d believed anything more would come of it. He was after all a few years older and much worldlier than I was. The fact that he’d even given in to me had been a surprise. But I still remember the way I’d felt that night. It was the one and only time I’d ever truly enjoyed the act of lovemaking.

  That was something else that had fed my guilt and kept me entrapped in a loveless marriage. I’d felt that somehow I’d cheated Robert, and the fact that I’d compared his clumsy efforts to Kevin in my mind had filled me with shame.

  I brushed my thoughts aside as my chest grew tight at the memories. Outside the streets were quiet this close to midnight. The sky was bright with stars and a three quarter moon and the air fresh and clean.

  I felt a spurt of excitement unfurl in my belly as I felt real joy at being back here again. This was the one place I’d always felt safe. Robert had hated it, calling it a hick town. He much preferred big city life

  But me, this was the place where I’d laid at night dreaming about a future. I’d never wanted anything more than a ranch like the one my parents owned, a husband and a bushel of kids to look after. Every time I thought of a husband Kevin’s face popped into my head and I had to fight it back.

  It was never going to happen now, none of it. I’d burnt my bridges when I snuck in and out of his bed without telling him the truth. Even now the thought of how I’d handled things made me sick to my stomach. But it had been my only chance. That night I knew that if I didn’t have him then I’d never get the chance again.

  I don’t know where I’d got the nerve to approach him. It was my first real try at flirting. Even as I stood in front of him shaking like a leaf in the wind, my heart racing out of my chest, I’d expected him to rebuff me.

  Why wouldn’t he? He was the most handsome guy around for miles, maybe in this county and the next. I knew he had girlfriends coming and going because Sandy was always keeping me abreast even when we went to two separate colleges.

  I’d even seen him making out with one of them once when we were kids. That night I’d cried myself to sleep. I saw the kind of woman he was attracted to and knew I’d never measure up to them. I wasn’t blonde and built. At five one I barely reached his chest. The girl he’d had pinned against the side of his parents house with his hands and mouth all over her had to be at least five nine, more suited to his six three height.

  But that night I’d thrown caution to the wind. There’d been a need in me that to this day I still don’t understand, but I knew I had to give myself to him. If I couldn’t have the dream at least I could have that for the rest of my life. And I was right.

  After my marriage turned out to be a sham, the memory of that night had seen me through many a heartache. There were times after Robert had taken a hand or a fist to me that I’d lay in bed with tears silently running down my cheeks because I’d been forbidden to make a sound lest I alert the children, that I’d take out the memory of how it felt to have those big rough hands on me. Or his mouth…Have mercy.

  Robert had hated that he couldn’t get my body to respond to him. In the end he’d blamed my coldness on the reason for his affairs, though by then I knew he’d been screwing some girl at the office even before we were married and hadn’t stopped after.

  He’d die if he knew that the only time I ever did have those orgasms he was so pleased about was when I imagined that it was Kevin inside of me. I felt shame and guilt over that as well. But the third time he hit me for not being wet enough I’d caught on quick and learned to use my imagination.

  Or that the few times I’d been the one to turn to him for sex were those times when my need for Kevin was so strong that it was either that or use my fingers to pleasure myself. Back then I’d been so confused and wracked with enormous guilt. Had I known that he was a snake I would’ve been long gone.

  But it had taken ten years for me to build up the courage to even think about seriously leaving him. When I was finally able to turn the tables on him and his lies and deception, my first thought had been of Kevin.

  Then reality set in and I knew that once again it was just a dream; one that would never come to pass, because I’d thrown it all away on a shiftless no-good bastard to please my dad. I knew enough about Kevin to know that he would never forgive me for using him that night.

  5

  Kevin

  “Where is she?” I was sweaty, tired and mad as fuck. Instead of heading home for some much needed rest, I was here sniffing after her ass. I’d told myself ever since the phone call from my sister telling me that her old friend was moving back to town and needed a job, that I wouldn’t give a fuck.

  “Who?” I knew from the smirk on her face that she knew exactly who I was referring to. “Don’t play games, Julia, where is she?” My beast was damn near off his leash and it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge.

  “I knew it. I knew there was something going on between you two years ago and I was right.”

  “What could be going on? She was married and gone.” We’d never talked about Julia since the last time we saw her at our family home. Everyone else had gone to her wedding the next day but I hadn’t. I’d been too fucking mad back then to look at her without wringing her fucking lying neck.

  She’d snuck out of my bed in the middle of the night like a thief and just disappeared, and I hadn’t heard or seen her since. Not a fucking peep. Until now!

  I didn’t know the whole story but from what little I’d gathered it was enough to tell me she was back on my turf now and I mean to get my pound of flesh.

  “So what happened with her and the hotshot?” I’d done my own research but knew there was always more. In my line of work I am paid to ferret out secrets. The world is full of them, but this shit had fallen into my lap in the middle of something and I hadn’t had enough time to go deep. That will all change soon.

  She still had that annoying nosey ass little sister look on her face, but I wasn’t giving her anything so she opened up. I knew from experience that she wouldn’t give me everything. From what I remember the two of them had been thick as thieves, always having each other’s backs. I knew that because of our upbringing that my sister wouldn’t betray her friend’s confidence, unlike some people I know who didn’t give a fuck.

>   She knew a little more than I did, but I left the room feeling there was something she wasn’t telling me. If I were a vengeful fuck, I would gloat at the fact that the son of a bitch she’d thrown me over for had done her shitty, but I had more than enough to fuck with her for without stooping to that.

  Over the years I’d gone over and over this shit in my head. The way shit had gone down between us wasn’t exactly orthodox, but it still pissed me the fuck off that she’d left my bed and went off to marry someone else. We weren’t in love, had never even shared so much as a kiss before the night we fell into bed together. But I woke up the next morning with questions, while it seemed she’d already had the answers.

  Before that night Julia had been the cute little kid that was always hanging around my house with my pain in the ass sister. Then she’d grown into something else entirely, but I’d still had no real interest. Okay that’s not exactly true. But whatever interest I had was passing because she was just too fucking young and nowhere near ready for the man I was.

  My years away in the navy while the girls were growing up had kept me away from home a lot so I’d missed most of their teenage years. Of course whenever I thought of the two of them I still saw the two little miscreants who were always getting into shit and keeping my dad on his toes.

  And that’s why my first sight of her that night at the party my family had thrown for one of my many homecomings had thrown my ass for a loop. It had taken me a minute or two to process my body’s reaction to her. I was thinking some very ungentlemanly things about my sister’s little friend.

  The once scrawny kid with the knobby knees, braces, eyes that were too big for her face and a head full of unruly hair had grown into a very well poised young lady, and she was fucking gorgeous.