by Hayden Hunt
Ha, at least now she’ll understand why I can’t help my attraction to him.
There was a moment of awkward silence after everyone said their greetings, so I decided to just jump right into something so we didn’t have to spend any time trying to make conversation.
“Do you play beer pong?” I asked.
“Duh.” He answered.
“Be my partner?”
“Sure.” He said.
Good. Now we won’t have to make small talk and I have an excuse to start drinking immediately. I thought a little alcohol might calm my nerves.
And they did. Although the cups were only filled a quarter of the way with alcohol, it wasn’t beer in them. Sarah had filled them with a shot of jack and a little bit of coke. It was how we always played in the beginning of the night, though we later switched to beer.
But, naturally, this meant I got drunk a lot quicker. But at least I was no longer nervous to interact with Liam. He seemed to relax too, casually joking with my friends as we dominated the game.
He was very skilled in the hand-eye coordination department. I could see that immediately. He sank literally every shot he made, he hadn’t missed one.
“Wow.” I nodded to him. “I bet you’re good at sports.”
For some reason (maybe the alcohol) this made him laugh pretty hard. “Yeah, you could say that.”
One negative to relaxing with alcohol was that I got a lot more flirty and forward. I was really trying to hold back, but it’s hard when you’re drunk. It’s like I see what I want and I want to chase it.
I found myself playfully touching his arm and shoulder a lot, something he didn’t actually seem to mind. I didn’t for a second let myself think that this was because he actually liked me, though. No, he probably just enjoyed the ego boost my attention gave him.
But it was nice he didn't stop me. Flirting made everything a lot more interesting.
We kept winning every game of beer pong so we stayed stuck at the table. But I didn’t mind, for some reason I didn’t really want him pulled away from the table, though I wasn’t sure of why.
Maybe I was just still a little worried that we’d have nothing to talk about if the action of the game stopped. But… no, that wasn’t it. If I’m honest with myself, I liked the attention I got from him as we played.
I was scared that if we weren’t playing, that attention was going to be stolen from me. One of the few single girls at the party would get a chance to talk to him and, naturally, he’d take the opportunity to flirt. What drunk straight man wouldn’t go talking to girls while he’s wasted rather than me?
But I hated the thought. I was grossed out at the idea of him hooking up with any of my friends. So I just crossed my fingers that nobody would beat us.
And nobody did. We ended up playing for hours. Pretty quickly after the first game we switched to beer, but we were both incredibly wasted. Eventually, even Liam’s impeccable aim started to be affected by his level of drunkenness.
It was only midnight when he made the announcement that he had to go home, he had an early morning tomorrow. Disappointment flooded me, this party would be a lot less interesting without him here.
“You’re not driving right?” I asked.
“No, I’ll call a cab.” He said.
“Well, I’ll walk you out.” I answered.
The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
I hope he took this as a friendly invitation from a host, but really I think it conveyed romantic interest when you walk someone out of your apartment to their car.
He didn’t deny me though. “Sure. You can keep me entertained while I wait for my cab.”
“Awesome.” I said. “I’ll be right back.” I said to everyone else at the party.
I tried to ignore Sarah’s disapproving gaze, though she was making her dissatisfaction very obvious to me.
We walked out to the sidewalk.
“Thanks for inviting me.” He said. “Your friends were fun, I needed a night like this.”
“Thanks for coming.” I said. “We needed a new face. And I needed someone good for a partner.”
“Yeah, cuz you're lousy.” He ribbed me.
“Oh, shut up.” I pushed his shoulder, but he only laughed harder.
I looked at him for a second and I couldn’t help the warmth that began spreading out from inside me. I literally had butterflies in my stomach. He was absolutely gorgeous. In the moonlight, his blue eyes glistened and I really couldn’t contain my feelings for him.
I couldn’t make myself break away my gaze, though I imagined I was making him uncomfortable. But if I was, he made no sign of it. He just stared at me back… Just as intensely as I was looking at him.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Oh, nothing…” He said quietly, an eyebrow raised. “I think you’ve got something in your hair…”
He reached to the top of my head, pulling off a single white lint from my head. But his hand lingered there as his face got closer to mine.
Without warning, without expectation, he kissed me.
5
Liam
I don’t know what I was thinking. I wanted to blame all my feelings on the alcohol, but I don’t think it was just that. Maybe I was just lonely, desperate for some affection…
Or maybe it was the way he looked into my eyes. Like he knew me. Like he felt me. Like he wanted me.
And, at least in this moment, I wanted him too. And I do anything I can to get what I want.
I pressed my lips against his, and the moment was absolutely perfect. A pair of lips never felt so good against mine.
He parted his mouth slightly, our lips getting increasingly more entangled. I ran my hand through his hair and he touched my chest, sending a shiver down my spine.
And then I pulled away.
What am I doing? Seriously, what the hell am I doing? Did I just kiss him…? This man?
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I’m… I’m sorry I just… I can’t do this. I’m… I’m straight.”
His smile deflated. “You’re the one who kissed me.” He pointed out.
“I know that, I do, I just… I have no idea why I did it. I’m sorry.”
My cab pulled up, saving us from any more awkward conversation.
“I’m really sorry Alex… I have to go. I hope we can still be friends.”
“Yeah… I don’t know about that.” He said before turning away defeatedly.
Damn it.
I had finally made a friend, someone who genuinely lightened my load, who I enjoyed spending time with, and I have to go and do something fucking crazy like this.
I didn’t chase him down though. What’s the point? He has every right to be upset. I just completely led him on.
I spent the entire car ride home reflecting on what had happened. I kissed him? Did that seriously happen?
But why? Is it just because I’m comfortable with him? Because I really am. He strikes me in a way no friend ever has before.
But he’s a man. And I’m not gay. Lonely, sure. Desperate? Maybe. But gay? Absolutely not.
How could I be? I play one of the most masculine sports there is. Not only play, but I am fucking excellent at it. I don’t think anyone would look at me and think ‘oh, yeah, he’s gay.’ I sure never have.
Because I’m not. I know this. This is one thing I am sure about.
This was just a slip. I’m lonely, he’s nice, and objectively he’s not a bad-looking guy. But that’s all. And I won’t explore it any further, I refuse.
At least, that’s what I swore to myself. But despite the promise, I still found myself thinking of him. Thinking about the kiss we shared.
I don’t know if it’s just because I’m drunk and my senses are all blurred, but it really was a lovely kiss. I felt things that I don’t ever remember feeling for anyone.
That chemistry I always said I was looking for, it was there. It was what I had always wanted to find in a wom
an. In a woman, though, not a man. When I fantasized about my romantic future, it was never with a man.
I arrived to my house just in time. My head was beginning to spin with thoughts of Alex. I could feel myself getting drunker. Which wasn’t really possible, but I think my exhaustion was compounding on the alcohol.
I made my way into the house, stripped myself of everything but my boxers, and rolled slowly into bed, covering myself up to my neck in blankets.
I had regrets about tonight, that’s for sure. I screwed up my friendship with Alex all for a kiss that wasn’t even going to lead to anything.
So, why, if tonight was a disaster for me, did I find myself smiling in bed? Why was I filled with a warmth that I hadn’t felt in years? A happiness that almost never crossed my mind?
I knew why. Alex just brought this positivity to my life that I could not deny. Through his eyes, the world seemed different. It was brighter somehow.
I liked him. I didn’t know how, I was making sense of the whole thing, but I knew I liked him. I knew that if I had the choice, I’d like him to be laying in bed next to me right now.
And not because I wanted to kiss him, or fuck him, or go any further physically. But because I wanted him to talk to me. To bring sunshine to my world as I lay in bed, drunk and alone.
What did that mean? That’s not the kind of thing I ever wanted from a friend. So, did that make me gay?
In a way, wouldn’t that make sense? I had clearly never had a true interest in any woman I’d ever met, but I genuinely thought that was because I hadn’t met the right one. Could it be something more, though? Something I’d been repressing for many years now?
I couldn’t be gay. My career wouldn’t withstand that. I knew how gay football players were treated, I’d known since high school. In this sport that involves showing off complete brute strength, anything that might be perceived as not masculine is forbidden.
I never subscribed to the same homophobic mentality that I knew my fellow players did, but that doesn’t mean I can just be openly gay.
Football is my entire life. I love the sport, despite the prejudice that may be attached to it.I had hit a stride in my career, a stride I did not want to end. I wanted my success to continue.
I also wanted a relationship though. I also wanted to love someone. As hard as it was to admit it, I saw that in Alex. I could really see a future with him. I could see myself loving him.
So, what matters to me more? The potential for love or the ability to continue my passions in life?
It was a weighty decision and I didn’t figure it out before I began to drift off into a drunken sleep.
6
Alex
I turned on my heel as soon as Liam’s cab arrived. I had to, because I didn’t want him to see me cry.
I wasn’t crying because of the rejection. Rejection I can handle. Rejection is fine.
The problem was deeper than that. I was upset because I wasn’t planning on doing this. I kept promising myself I wouldn’t allow myself to get caught up in him. He’s straight, he’s no good for me. But still… I let him kiss me.
Why the hell did I let him kiss me?
It was instant karma for not keeping my own promises. I went from elated to feeling extremely stupid.
It’s not like it hurt as much as Jason or anything. I barely knew him, it didn’t mean much except for making me feel completely ridiculous.
I had to deal with it though. I still had an entire party inside waiting for me to get back. So I wiped my cheeks on my sleeve, plastered on a smile, and walked inside.
I tried to keep my happy demeanor, but as the party dragged on I became more and more despondent. Thankfully most people just chalked it up to me being drunk and tired.
An hour or two later, everyone slowly started filtering out to go home. Everyone except Sarah.
I was hoping she would leave. I really didn’t feel like telling her what happened. It would be a big I-told-you-so moment for her.
Of course she wasn’t going to just let it go, though. She knew me better than anyone and I’m sure she realized the second I walked in that something had gone wrong.
“What happened?” She asked literally as soon as the last person walked out my door.
“What are you talking about?” I played stupid, hoping to be able to brush off this conversation.
“With Liam!”
“Nothing.” I tried to sound nonchalant but failed miserably. I was a shit liar.
“Stop. You think I don’t know you by now?”
I sighed. “Fine. But I don’t want a lecture.”
“You think I’d lecture you when you’re upset?! You should know me better than that.”
“You’re right, sorry.”
Why did I think she’d rub it in my face? Sarah really wasn’t that kind of person. I guess I was just drunk and feeling insecure.
“So, what happened?”
“We kissed.” I said quietly.
“You kissed him? Oh, Alex, honey… But he’s straight.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I didn’t kiss him. Of course I didn’t kiss him! You think I’d just throw my lips onto a straight guy who has no interest in me? I’m not that creepy, Sarah.”
“Wait, you’re saying… he kissed you?!” She asked, shocked.
“Tell me it’s not that surprising that he might want to kiss me.” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“You know what I mean! He said he’s straight.”
“He is. Which is exactly what he reiterated as he pulled away from me and said: ‘I can’t do this.”
She gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry, Alex. This is why you just need to stay the hell away from straight guys you’re attracted to.”
I sighed again. “I know, I know. I really had no intention of doing anything with him, you know. He caught me completely off guard.”
“Was he, like, a dick about it?”
“Not really. I mean, he said he still wants to be friends.”
“And what did you say?”
“That I wasn’t sure I could do that.”
“Good.” She nodded. “Continuing a friendship with him isn’t going to lead anywhere good.”
“I know. Believe me, I know. I’m over it. Never again with the straight men.”
“That’s what you said last time.” She reminded me.
“Yeah… Well, I’m going to blame it on the alcohol.”
She looked around. “This place is a disaster. I’m going to start cleaning up.”
“Yeah, I’ll help you.”
“No.” She stopped me. “You stay there. I’ll handle it. I don’t need you standing up and getting the spins.”
I couldn’t deny that was a real possibility. I was wasted.
“Do you want me to stay the night?” She asked.
This used to be the usual for us. I loved when Sarah spent the night but as she got more involved with her work, it happened less and less.
“Do you work in the morning?”
“Well… Yeah.” She said hesitantly, knowing I wouldn’t let her if she had to get up at 6 in the morning.
“No, it’s fine. I’ll be fine. It’s not like I just experienced a break up or anything. It was just this guy I barely knew. I feel a little dumb, but that’s about it.”
“Alright then.” She nodded. “You don’t look too good. Why don’t you just go lay down?”
“Okay.” I was really starting to feel sick to my stomach. “Lock the door on your way out?”
“I will.” She answered.
“Thanks for all your help, night.” I’d normally go hug her, but I was feeling a little too wobbly to navigate myself anywhere but my bedroom.
“Night, babe.” She said as I started walking down the hallway.
Normally I’d shower and change in my pajamas before bed, but tonight I didn’t even bother. I just collapsed onto my mattress in my jeans. I didn’t have the willpower or coordination to do anything else.
As I began to fall asleep, I tried to rid myself of the sensation of Liam’s warm lips on mine.
7
Liam
Waking up the next morning after kissing Alex, I did my best to push everything to the back of my mind.
In the cold light of day, I told myself that everything that happened was only due to my drunkenness. That sober, I never would’ve done what I did. I never would've kissed him, never would have found myself attracted to him, that was not who I was. I was not gay.
I repeated this over and over to myself in the course of the next few days. It was like a running dialogue that I had going in my head every spare minute of the day. I’m not gay, I don’t like Alex, I like women, I don’t like Alex, I don't like Alex.
But the more days that passed, the harder it became to convince myself of this.
I thought about him, a lot. I was tempted to call him several times, but I just didn’t see the benefit in doing so. He had made his feelings very clear to me.
He had every right to be upset. It was unfair of me to make a move on him like that and then just completely shut it down. I don’t know what I was thinking.
That’s the thing, I guess. I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling.
He just made me feel so much. I wanted to deny it, but the more I tried the more thoughts of him entered my brain. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I couldn’t just let him go. I wanted to see him.
I made the probably very big mistake of deciding to text him.
‘Hey. I’m really sorry for the other night.’ Was the first text I sent, followed by: ‘Can we maybe meet up and talk?’
My heart was pounding as I waited for his response which, thankfully, came in only a few minutes.
‘I don’t think that’s such a good idea.’ He responded, making my heart sink.
Okay, Liam, he gave you his answer. Just let it go. Leave him alone now, that’s what he wants.
I did leave him alone. At least, for a few hours. But I couldn’t hold out much longer than that. My head just kept flooding with things I needed to discuss with him and I couldn’t bear not saying anything.
