Star

by Steel, Danielle

  A pair of old shoes. He grinned, he was looking better than he had in days. Talking to his father had taken some of the pressure off. Three fish ' he leaned over her and she pretended to hold her nose ' and a kiss for my wife. But at least she let him kiss her. They went inside after that, and Elizabeth filed her nails while he showered. She told him about the party they were going to that night and he looked at her pensively. Let's stay home tonight.

  Darling, we can't. They're expecting us. And they're friends of my father's.

  Tell them you have a headache, or my war wounds are acting up. He grinned boyishly at her, he wanted a night alone with her. They hadn't had a moment alone since he got back, but she didn't seem to mind it.

  Tomorrow. I promise. But the next night, her brother arrived and she insisted it would be rude not to go out with them. And the day after that they went to a black-tie party. He felt as though he were in jail, being fed on champagne instead of water. But it was lonely being with her and surrounded by people all the time. He tried to explain that to her as they lay on the beach, but she insisted that he was being silly. How can you be lonely with all these nice people around?

  Because I'm not ready for that yet. I want to be alone with you, just to talk and get to know each other again. But she refused to understand that. And then, in an instant, he knew what he had to do. He decided to go to L.A. on the weekend. He finally knew what he was going to tell Crystal. He had made up his mind. And when he came back he was going to tell Elizabeth he wanted to divorce her. He wanted to tell her when they left the lake. He didn't want a huge ugly scene with all their parents.

  But my parents are having people over for you. She was furious. They had had people over for him almost every night.

  I'm sorry. I can't help it. I have some business to take care of in Los Angeles. His voice was suddenly cool. He knew what he was going to do now.

  What is it? She looked at him suspiciously. He didn't even have a job at the moment.

  Some investments I made when I finished law school.

  Can't it wait?

  No, it can't. Not for another minute. This is important, Elizabeth. I have to. He didn't call Crystal before he left. He was going to call her from down there and surprise her.

  Elizabeth was still sulking when he left and she was at a luncheon with her parents as he drove back to San Francisco and left the car at the house, and then he took a cab to the airport. It was a two-hour flight, and when he got there it was a sultry afternoon in late August. He took a taxi into town, and checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel with money that he had borrowed from his father. And the moment he got to his room, he dialed the number they'd given him at Harry's. A maid answered and said something about Salvatore, which made him smile. She always seemed to rent rooms from Italians. He asked for Crystal Wyatt and was told she was working. Pearl had told him she was working on another movie. He was excited for her, and he felt like a new man as he asked where he could find her. He felt suddenly as though his whole life had come into focus. He felt at peace again, and in control of his fate. At last, he knew he had made the right decision.

  At MGM, the woman answered, and told him the lot number in all innocence. He jotted it down and then hurried out of the hotel, and gave a cabdriver the address he had looked up in the phone book. It was a long drive from the hotel, and he could feel his heart pound as he thought of seeing her again. He had never felt that way about anyone but Crystal. He knew he had explanations to make, and apologies for acting crazy. He knew he owed her a lot of things but they had a lifetime now for him to make it all up to her. And he smiled to himself in the back of the cab, thinking of her and their future.

  The entrance to MGM was impressive, and he stared around him like a tourist as they drove onto the lot after being stopped by a security guard. He told them he wanted to see Crystal Wyatt, and what movie she was in. And the guard told him it was a closed lot and he needed a pass to get in. But when he told him where he'd been and for how long, the guard hesitated and glanced over his shoulder. His own son had died over there, and he would have done anything for a soldier. Don't tell anyone I let you in, he said as he waved them in and Spencer thanked him. The cabdriver headed toward the lot the guard had sent them to, as dozens of actors walked by in spectacular costumes. There were cowboys and Indians, and chain gangs, and beautiful girls in bathing suits and slinky dresses. It was a whole other world from Harry's in San Francisco. And when he paid the driver, he stopped for a minute and looked around, and then walked cautiously into the sound stage. It was an enormous building almost like an airplane hangar, and in the distance he could see people clustered under bright lights, there was a man shouting at them, and everything else was silence. He stood very still and when they took a break ten minutes later, he went a little closer. And then, as though in a dream he saw her standing with her back to him, but even at that distance he knew instantly it was Crystal. He wanted to run up and throw his arms around her as his heart raced, but he approached cautiously, not wanting to disturb anyone, and then as though she sensed him nearby, she turned, and they both froze. She was still the same, only more beautiful than she had been three years before. The child was gone at last, and she had left behind her this very rare woman. Her hair was swept back in a graceful knot, and she was wearing a strapless white dress and white satin shoes, all of it covered with tiny brilliant sparkles. She looked like someone in a fairy tale as tears filled his eyes and blurred his vision, as slowly she walked toward him. She didn't speak, she only stood staring at him, like a woman in a dream, and then she was in his arms and she was kissing him, and he thought his heart would break. He had never loved her more than at that moment. He had survived the war just to come back to her, to hold her again. It was everything he had looked for in San Francisco and hadn't found. But he had found it here, just as he knew he would, with Crystal.

  Oh God ' you'll never know how I missed you. ' All the anguish he had felt, all the loneliness, all the misery ripped through him again as he held her, and tears rolled down their faces. She knew what she had done and it was breaking her heart. She had told herself he wouldn't come, but he had. He was back again. And she was living with Ernie Salvatore. But she couldn't think of Ernie now. She couldn't think of anyone. Only Spencer, holding her close to him and kissing her, as she touched his face with hungry lips and gentle fingers. Oh darling, I only love you ' He pulled away from her then and smiled. You look so beautiful. He smiled tenderly at her like a proud father. Are you a movie star now?

  She looked embarrassed as she kissed him again. Not yet, but I'm getting there. This is a terrific picture. She told him who was in it and he was impressed. She had actually done it while he was gone. She had gone to Hollywood, and now she was in the movies. But then she touched a finger to her lips and whispered to him, They're getting ready to roll again. Come to my dressing room. He followed her on tiptoe to the room where she dressed and ate and studied for hours. It was small and clean and tidy, and a woman was putting out her costume for the next scene, as Crystal smiled and told her she could go, and then she turned to Spencer again. I'm free for another hour. Her eyes searched his face, wanting to know why he had come, where he had been, when he'd come home, and if he was still married.

  Is this really happening? Is this you? She looked at him in awe, and remembered the endless months of his silence. And as they sat, holding hands, he tried to explain it all to her, the loneliness, the pain, and his confusion, his despair over being there, the feeling that nothing mattered anymore except the constant misery and destruction he was seeing.

  It was as though nothing here was real anymore ' not even you for a while, I guess. I felt as though I would never get back here. I couldn't even talk to anyone. And everyone's letters just made it worse. They tried to make everything sound normal and happy here, which made the contrast between their lives and mine even more brutal. I think some of the other men felt like that too. We talked about it a lot on the plane coming home. Until then, no o
ne ever really wanted to say it. No one ever wanted to admit how bad it was, if we had maybe we wouldn't have been able to stand it. He had never been so cold in his life, or so hopeless or unhappy. It's all over now, I guess ' except it's hard to forget it. He was looking at her sadly as he said it.

  I thought you had decided to end it between us. Her voice was low and sad, her thinking that had changed her life. It had brought her to Hollywood, and pushed her into living with Ernie. She figured she had nothing to lose, and he'd been so good to her. He'd done so much for her, she felt as though she owed him so much. And he made everything so easy.

  Spencer looked grief-stricken as she said it. I wouldn't have done that without saying anything to you. I didn't know what to do then ' I kept getting letters from Elizabeth that made me feel so damn guilty. She expected me to come back to her, to go on like before, but I knew I couldn't. We met in Tokyo a couple of times, and even that made things worse when I went back. It was like spending a weekend with a stranger. It's like that now. I've been back for two weeks, and I'm going crazy. He looked at her with earnest eyes, and Crystal looked away. She was the one who felt guilty now. She was the one who owed a debt to Ernie.

  I tried to find you the night I came back, he went on, I went to Mrs. Castagna's, but the woman there said you'd gone, and then I went to Harry's, but they were closed ' He looked as desperate as he had felt as he told her. And she wasn't surprised that there was someone different at Mrs. Castagna's house. Her last letter to her, months before, had been answered by a postcard from her son telling her that his mother had died, and Crystal had been sorry to hear it. She had liked her. Finally Pearl gave me your number, and I called this morning when I got here. Your landlady told me where you were, and now here we are. He smiled, looking like a boy on Christmas, and Crystal didn't tell him that it wasn't her landlady but her maid, or more precisely, Ernie's.

  What are you going to do about Elizabeth? Her heart pounded as she asked, and part of her prayed that he had decided not to divorce her. It would make things easier for her, for a while at least. She couldn't just walk out on Ernie, not after he had put her into pictures, and everything else he had done for her. But like Spencer with Elizabeth, she didn't love him.

  But Spencer looked calm as he answered her. He had worked it out in his head on the plane coming down. He was going to tell her as soon as they got back to Washington. He was going to pack up his things then, what was left of them, and take the first plane back to California. He didn't have a job now anyway. He could look for one in Los Angeles just as easily as he could have in Washington or New York. A lawyer could get a job anywhere. And then, as soon as he found one, and was divorced, he was going to marry Crystal, if she'd have him. It was all incredibly simple.

  He smiled at her then. He was too happy even to feel guilty. I'm going to divorce Elizabeth. I guess I should have told her a long time ago. I think I knew when I left three years ago, but it seemed like such a rotten thing to do to her. We had just gotten married. I don't know. I was a damn fool not to do it then, though. I just can't carry on the charade any longer. It's a stinking thing to do after she waited all this time, he remembered what his father had said to him at the lake, but I'm not even sure she cares. All she cares about is her work and her goddamn parties. There was more to it than that, but not much, from what he'd seen since returning from Korea. She's at the lake now, and we're flying back to Washington in a few days. He looked Crystal straight in the eye. It's almost over. I could be back here in a week or two, and as soon as I find a job, I'll file for divorce, and after that we can get married ' He was sure Elizabeth would be reasonable and agree to divorce him. And then suddenly he looked worried. What if things had changed for Crystal? Although after the way she'd kissed him, he didn't think so. But he added cautiously, ' if you'll still have me. And if Elizabeth would divorce him. But he was sure she would once he told her how he felt about continuing their marriage.

  Crystal looked at him for a long time, then her eyes filled with tears, saying nothing. This was what she had wanted years before, what she'd dreamed of while he'd been gone, and what she'd lost hope of ever hearing. She had thought he had opted for Elizabeth, and hadn't even bothered to tell her.

  Well? ' He asked, watching the tears roll down her cheeks, and he wasn't sure if they were tears of joy or disappointment. He took her in his arms and held her close as she cried, and he smiled, looking over her shoulder. Don't cry, sweetheart. It won't be that bad. I promise. I'll take care of you ' I swear I will. It was all that he had ever wanted. He pulled gently away from her then, and she looked at him as she shook her head. There was a lot she still had to tell him.

  Maybe now you won't want me. She had to tell him about Ernie.

  I can't think why not. Unless you got married while I was gone, he grinned, sure that wasn't the case, but even that can be taken care of. We can go to Reno together for six weeks, and get married there, if you are. He was teasing, but she was looking at him as though her heart was breaking. This was worse than that. He was finally getting free, and she was tied to Ernie. But if he'd written to her ' if he'd stayed in touch ' if he'd explained ' and then she remembered the letters she hadn't answered. She had thought it was too late and she hadn't wanted to torment herself, or play games with him any longer. It had gone on for so long, and she had thought when he talked about Elizabeth meeting him in Tokyo for R and R that he had decided to continue their marriage.

  Spencer ' She struggled to find the words to explain it to him, but she knew it wasn't going to be easy. I'm living with someone. My manager actually ' it's a long story ' and I don't know what to tell you. He sat staring at her, unhappily, waiting to hear, but this wasn't what he had expected. He hadn't known what he would find. He knew he might find her angry perhaps, or indifferent, or changed. But he hadn't expected to find her still in love with him and living with someone else. And he didn't like the arrangement. When I came to Hollywood, I was introduced to him by two agents. They said he was the best in town, and in no time at all, he got me a job in a picture. In fact, I started work a wwek after I got here. He did everything for me, bought me clothes, found a hotel for me, he even paid for it' . She didn't tell him about Malibu or the diamond bracelet. I signed a contract with him, and he does everything for me, Spencer. I owe him so much ' I can't just walk out on him ' it wouldn't be fair ' It sounded like slavery to him and he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

  Are you in love with him?

  She shook her head miserably. No, I'm not. And I told him about you in the beginning. But I told him it was over. I thought it was then. I hadn't heard from you in months, and I thought you were wrapped up in Elizabeth ' Her voice faltered as she started to cry again and Spencer began to pace the room with a look of fury.

  I was wrapped up in surviving, if that's of any interest to you. He looked down at her in utter frustration. All the while he'd been floundering, and aching with frostbite, living in ditches in the Korean countryside, she had thought he didn't love her.

  I'm sorry ' you were gone for so long ' and ' everything was so different here. I wanted to make it in Hollywood so badly. It was honest of her, but it didn't make it any easier for Spencer to hear, and he didn't like any of what he was hearing.

  Badly enough to sell your body along with the rest of you?

  Look, God damn it, she stood up, suddenly as angry as he was, when you left the States, you were married, or don't you remember that little detail? I waited almost three goddamn years for you, Spencer Hill, and half the time you didn't even bother to write me. And in the end, you'd write ten words on a sheet of paper that could have been to anyone. You didn't say anything about us, or the future, or what you were going to do. You just expected me to sit there and wait, and I did, for a hell of a long time too. But I wanted a life too. I had a right to more than just sitting at Mrs. Castagna's for the rest of my life, waiting for the Messiah. He didn't answer her, because what she was saying was true. He couldn't deny it. So I came down
here, and Ernie took me under his wing. He's a powerful man, Spencer. He could make me a big star one day. And I'm not going to stay with him forever, but I'm not going to just walk out on him from one day to the next because you say so. I owe him more than that, and I don't want to make an enemy of a friend. He's been good to me, and I owe him something. Besides, if I do something like that, one day he could hurt me.

  You mean physically? Spencer looked horrified, but Crystal was quick to shake her head.

  Of course not. I mean professionally. For all I know, he might tear up my contract.

  Don't be so sure. He's no fool. He's in business, he knows what he's got on his hands. What kind of contract did you sign with him anyway? He was worried about that, too, but that was the least of their problems.

  A standard one. She tried to sound confident, but in truth, she knew very little about the contract. Ernie always told her it wasn't important.

  What does that mean?

  He acts as a buffer between me and the studios. They go to him, and he irons everything out for me. It was a good party line, and she had bought it.

  Who pays you? Does he, or do the studios pay you directly? Spencer was very suspicious. He had heard about contracts like that before, with managers devouring entire fortunes of big stars, and the actors themselves ending up with nothing.

  Ernie writes the checks. That way he can take out my taxes.

  Have you ever seen the studio contracts, or the checks from them for your earnings?

  Of course not. Crystal looked annoyed. He handles everything for me. That's his job. That was exactly what Spencer had been afraid of.

  Then you can be damn sure he's making a fortune off you, and you, my love, are getting peanuts compared to what they're paying.

  That's not true! She was quick to defend him, but she knew also that her contract with Ernie wasn't the issue. Anyway, she seemed to deflate as she sat down again, looking sadly up at Spencer, I can't just walk out on him. I could eventually. But he's not going to understand it if I just move out tomorrow, and it wouldn't be fair to him. Any more than it would have been if you'd dumped Elizabeth two weeks after the wedding. She was playing on a nerve, and she knew it. But she felt she had an obligation to Ernie, even if Spencer didn't understand it. He'd been too decent to her for her to turn her back on him at the drop of a hat because of Spencer.