Two things happened after that. The first was that Katie ran up and hugged me tight. She kept whispering “thank you” while not letting go. I didn’t want her to let go, because while she and I were as close as a boy and girl could be, we weren’t physically close, and I so badly wanted that. We would even fall asleep in each other’s beds while watching movies, but there was always an awkward gap between us, as if the space was a shield protecting us from… what? I didn’t know.
Eventually Katie let go, and I said to her, “No one messes with my mom.” The smile on her face was not only real, it filled me with the kind of joy that only she could make me feel.
The second thing that happened was that when Dad picked me up, he scowled to the principal and everyone in the school. There was this vibe of impending violence that scared even me, although my father had never hit me once. When we got to the car, Dad was completely silent. He turned the key, and we drove out. I was afraid to say anything until we turned down the road in the opposite direction of our house.
“Aren’t you taking me home.”
“No.”
“Where are you taking me?”
“TCBY.”
“TCBY? I Love TCBY!”
My dad smiled. “I know.” We pulled into the drive-thru, and as the car slowed to a stop, he held up his hand palm out. It took me a moment before I realized he was giving me a high five. I slapped his hand, and he added, “Family first, Max. Never forget that. Family first.”
When we got home Mom waved her finger and noted that violence was never the answer. She seemed entirely sincere in her unhappiness with my having punched someone, although I was positive that she knew why I did it. She ended up not grounding me or giving me any punishment more than what the school doled out, but she definitely made me feel like I got off easy.
And that was something that made me appreciate her even more. She didn’t care what people called her. She didn’t care what people said about her. She was above those things. All she cared about was that I acted with the level of maturity that she expected of me. I looked at her and realized that she was pretty, but she was pretty in the subjective and innocent sense that you feel about family.
In the glow of Dad’s high five and Mom’s high expectations, Katie and I spent the night talking about how the school thought of our family, which led directly to us talking about what we thought of our family.
“Do you think of me as your brother?” I asked. I didn’t know what the question meant, but it seemed important.
“Well, you’re the only brother I’ve ever had, so yeah. You are definitely my brother.” She looked into my eyes, and added, “Do you think of me as your sister?”
“I think of you as the most wonderful, amazing, person I’ve ever met in my life. You are kind, funny, crazy, beautiful, and while I’m always thinking through everything, you just charge right in. You make me better than I could ever be on my own. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be with me. I don’t know if that’s what a sister is, but if it is, you are the best sister in the world.”
Katie lay her head on my shoulder. I didn’t know where our lives would lead, but knowing she would always be part of it filled me with happiness.
Part II
5
Max
It felt like we grew apart, but we really didn’t. At least I liked to think we didn’t. We were still best friends and spent a ton of time together, but high school pulled us in different directions. So it was different.
I hung out with the swim team more and more, and while Katie came to every one of my meets, she didn’t share the same friendships that I did with my teammates. She was an extraordinary artist, and the artist types that she hung out with weren’t my friends. I don’t know; it didn’t feel strange. I guess we became comfortable in not having to constantly be near each other.
It was fine until Jeremy Adkins asked Katie to the prom. He was a senior swimmer, so he was used to seeing her at the meets, but she was a sophomore. It just didn’t seem right to me. She said yes and suddenly Jeremy was buddies with me, even though I was JV, and the seniors had nothing to do with the JV team. I should have liked my newfound prestige, but I hated it.
About a week before the prom, Katie had come to say goodbye to me after a meet and hung around a bit to talk to Jeremy. He kissed her on the lips, and I felt my knees go weak. The image was seared in my brain. He was in his swim trunks, and Katie was in her tight jeans and a t-shirt. Jeremy was about my height, six feet or so, and Katie was only about five four. She had her head back and was on her tip toes as they kissed.
The worst part of all was that unlike my kiss, she smiled after Jeremy kissed her.
She left and Jeremy wandered over. “Dude, your sister is so fucking hot.” I glared at him, and he raised his hands. “Sorry, man, I can’t help it. Come on, you have to have seen her naked. You know what I’m talking about.”
“She’s my sister, Jeremy.” I said, gritting my teeth. The truth was that I did think she was hot. I fantasized about her constantly, but I wasn’t going to share that with anyone, least of all the meathead standing next to me.
Jeremy shrugged. “Man, just calling it like I see it. Besides, she’s your stepsister, that doesn’t even count as a real sister.”
“It counts to me,” I whispered to Jeremy’s back as he sauntered off to the showers.
I was pathetic. Jeremy wasn’t a bad guy, but the night of the prom I was only worried about one thing: He’d French kiss Katie. I was sixteen and had seen every possible variation of sex online and here I was worried about a French kiss. And why? Because I so badly wanted to kiss her. Oh, shit, who was I kidding. I wanted to do more than kiss her, but she had only promised me a kiss, a French kiss, and I was banking my pathetic future on that promise. It was stupid.
Mom and Dad let Katie stay out until one o’clock, which I thought was ridiculous. The prom was over at eleven. Did they want to practically invite Jeremy to take advantage of Katie? So I tried to play video games and pass the time while she was out dancing and whatever else she was doing. At points I would pace the floor picturing what Jeremy was doing to her, wishing with all my soul that it was me doing those things instead.
At midnight the front door opened. I walked out to see her. She stood in the doorway talking to Mom and Dad. Her long blond hair was up, and she had this beautiful royal blue dress that made her look like a princess. No, not a princess--the light from the porch was behind her, and she looked like an angel, shrouded in diffused light.
I walked over. “So how did it go?” I asked, interrupting Mom. Katie gave me a look and shook her head slightly. Something was up. My heart fell. I just knew she not only French kissed Jeremy but that they had sex, too.
“Max, please don’t interrupt,” Mom said.
“Sorry. Katie, I’ll be in my room. When you’re done getting grilled by these two, come let me know what really happened.”
“Max!” Dad looked at me sternly. I smiled and wandered away, the bravado of my facade covering the devastation that I felt in my heart.
Katie walked into my room a few minutes later and closed the door behind her. She had her high heels in her hand. She looked exhausted. She fell back on my bed, and I couldn’t tell if she was happy, sad, or what. I figured I’d rip the bandage off. It was for the best.
“Okay, so what is sex like?”
She shoved herself to a sitting position and looked at me. “What?” She was angry.
My words came out in a rush. “Come on, Jeremy is a senior and handsome and we’ve talked about how we were curious what sex felt like and you’ve been kissing him and, I mean, look at how you’re dressed and he said you were hot and I just figured the planets were all aligned.”
She stared at me for a moment, and then said, in a whisper, “You think I went to the prom just to have sex with Jeremy?” The hurt in her words was like a knife.
“Uh, no!” I backpedaled. I didn’t know what I thought.
“That’s wh
at you said, Max. You didn’t ask if he was a gentleman or if I had fun or if I saw anything interesting. You just asked if we had sex.”
Shit. “Sorry, I just assumed. It’s a prom and all.” I shrugged from my seat at my desk. I hoped that my nonchalance would cover my fear and nervousness and embarrassment.
“After all these years, this is the kind of person you think I am, Max?” She started to cry, and I had to turn away as I was on the verge of tears, too. “You think I would just get naked with some hot guy to see what sex is all about?”
“No—” She stood up.
“Look, sharing and caring obviously mean something different to you. Glad to know it’s all about analyzing the replay. I get it.” She walked toward the door. “Tell you what, Max, don’t worry. If you want play-by-play of my first time and what it all feels like I’ll call you from my cell phone the minute we’re done.”
“Katie, I’m sorry!” I tried to catch her eye, but her hand was on the doorknob.
She didn’t even look at me as she spoke again. “If you need to know, Jeremy was a perfect gentleman. He kissed me after one slow dance, and then we kissed longer as he said goodbye. He asked me if I would be comfortable dating a senior. I said yes.”
And with that she turned the knob, walked through the door, and slammed it behind her.
6
Katie
What hurt me about Max’s attitude toward Jeremy was his coldness. He’d always been analytical and curious, and I wanted him to be jealous. I went to every swim meet just to stare at Max’s body. He pulled himself out of the water, and every drop that slid down his chest, arms, and legs was like I was in a dream.
And his body. God. He had always been cute, and I loved that, but when he started swimming his body fat dropped, and it was like a sculptor had chiseled away the rough draft into an exquisite statue of the perfect male.
He had this shaggy brown hair that he let grow long until he had to shave for regionals. It fell around his angular face, perfectly accenting his gray eyes. He had that perfect swimmer build. Broad shoulders and torso that formed a V at his hips, with leg muscles rippling with every movement.
So when Jeremy asked me to the prom I was kind of shocked. I didn’t even notice many of the other swimmers. Jeremy was handsome, and he was a swimmer so of course he had a great body, but he wasn’t even in the same league as Max. I swear I said yes only to see how Max would react. I wanted him to be angry, to pull me aside and say something like, “You are mine!”
But, no, Max was just as cold and distant as always. I even asked him once or twice what he thought of Jeremy, and he would just mumble something about him being a good guy and that the important thing was that I was happy. Didn’t he realize that I didn’t want him to want me happy? I wanted him to want me unhappy. More specifically, I wanted him to want me.
But it was a lost cause.
The worst was after the prom. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to Max as I walked into the room. Part of me want to tell him just enough to see if I could make one last push to make him jealous. Part of me wanted to tell him the truth—Jeremy was nice, but there were no sparks. And, truth be told, part of me wanted to just grab Max, kiss him passionately, and say that it should have been us holding each other on the dance floor.
But he ruined it all.
All he cared about was details of how we had sex. I had never been sadder. It would have been better if he had screamed at me in jealousy and yelled out, “You screwed that asshole, didn’t you?” But, no, he just kind of dropped the bomb without a care in the world.
At one point I started to cry, and when I looked over at him he had turned away. I loved him so much, and I thought he loved me, but he had just hurt me, and he couldn’t even look at me.
I could never say I hated Max, but at that moment I didn’t like him very much. I stormed out. Jeremy had asked about dating, and I told him I’d think about it. I was going to share that with Max, and we would then conspire on a gentle way of my saying no. But I blurted out that I was going to say yes, and as I ran to my room I knew I had to go through with it.
I had to get over Max somehow, and if it took the arms of another man, then so be it.
A week later and to my utter horror Max told me he was dating Holly Morrow. Max and I used to joke about Holly. She had the hugest crush on him, and she would constantly ask me how to get his attention. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, “Well, a good first step would to not be Holly Morrow.”
At one point she decided to go for broke and after every swim meet she would walk up to Jeremy wearing tiny jorts and bikini tops. She would hug him after he swam, whether he won or not. I loved the awkwardness in his face as she would pull him tight and press her crotch against his. I swear if she could slide her hand into his swim trunks without everyone seeing she would have done it.
So when he said he was dating her, my anger over his attitude toward me and Jeremy immediately switched to jealousy over the little slut trying to steal my brother’s attentions.
To make matters worse, I had to admit that things weren’t going well with Jeremy, either. We had been on a few dates, and I froze when he started to French kiss me during the last one. The moment he started to kiss me deeper, I pulled back. I called it a night shortly after.
He was still angry the next day and was cruel in the guise of honesty, asking me about what other hang-ups I had. He wouldn’t understand the truth, a truth that poured cold water over the nice feeling of having a handsome swimmer making out with me—my promise to Max. I felt like those girls at school who say they’re saving themselves for marriage. In my heart there was some deep part of me that wanted to save the special kiss for Max.
And now he was dating a girl who would go all the way in exchange for his phone number. What the hell did a French kiss mean with that facing me? I felt stupid.
His first date was to a movie on Friday night. Mom and Dad let him stay out until one o’clock because I was allowed to do that for the prom, but I think more than anything they were just glad he was finally going out with a girl. His interest in dating was pretty much nil.
They went out to see Kung Fu Panda, which pissed me off because Max said that we would go see it together. The movie was over at like ten o’clock, so I was dreading what they were going to do after that for three hours. I pictured every possible scenario between the two of them, all of them horrifying to me.
He finally rolled in at one o’clock. I refused to do to him what he did to me, so I just stayed in my room and read. He knocked softly on the door.
“Come in.”
He walked in, and my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat. He looked so rugged and handsome, in jeans and a khaki shirt. He ran his hand through his hair and looked up at me from a bowed head. “Got time to talk?”
I pulled myself up into a sitting position and patted the bed. He sat down and sighed.
“Holly not what you expected?” I asked, trying to create an image of concern while being clear that I knew exactly what was expected in such a situation.
“Yes and no.” He put his hands on his head and fell back onto my bed. “What’s wrong with me, Katie? I try to do the right thing to all the people I care about, and now I do the same thing with the new people I am seeing, and all I do is just alienate them.”
“What happened? Did you make her mad?” At this point I was kind of happy that the date clearly didn’t go well, but I was also nervous over how Max was speaking. No one was closer to him than me, and I knew that he would rather kill himself than reveal his deepest emotions, even to me. That’s part of what made him so maddening. But here he was doing just that. What did Holly do to him?”
“I just wanted to have a nice time, Katie. Really.” I slid myself closer to him. He was really hurting. “You know I think she’s pretty, right?”
It pained me to answer, but I did. “Yeah, she’s kind of sad, but she’s definitely pretty.”
“Yeah, that’s just it. She’s sad. I
picked her up, and she immediately leaned over and gave me this big kiss. Then in the car she put her hand on my thigh, and she kept stroking my leg. And at the movie theater she actually took my arm and put it around her shoulder, and while I was okay with that she kept not-so-subtly tugging my hand down to rest on her breasts.” I had to smile at that point. Breasts, not tits. That was so totally Max.
“Look, I don’t think I need all the dirty details. She was really horny. I get it.”
“That’s the thing, Katie. I don’t think it was that at all. I think she just wanted someone to be physically close to her. At no point was there any real passion behind her actions. I think she just wanted me to want her.”
I looked at Max. His eyes were closed, and his profile was this combination of unbelievable sexiness and deep sadness. “Was that the problem? You wanted her to want you?”
His head jerked up, and perhaps for the first time in my life his face didn’t have the cold Max veneer. He looked alarmed and seemed almost out-of-control. “No! I’m just trying to describe to you how it was this really sad thing.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I get that.”
“So the movie ends, and she says we should go hang out at a Denny’s, which is cool. I thought it would be good to talk to her.” He looked at me, and his eyes pierced me in with their intensity. “She is nothing like you. All she wanted to talk about was Instagram and school and the popular kids and how cool it must be to be on the swim team. It was like two hours of desperation, Katie. Can you imagine that?”
“Well, I have you, so thankfully I guess not.”
“Exactly! It was like two hours of soul sucking. I’m not trying to be a gross, but it was like I had become her host. She was outlining to me how her life would be so much better by being attached to me.”
“That is gross,” I replied, smiling. Max smiled a bit at that.
A Promise to my Stepbrother Page 2
