“But then it got weird.”
“Oh, this I have to hear.” I couldn’t believe how much Max was opening up to me. We were the closest of friends, but I never knew him before he was eleven, and in the previous five years we shared all of our dreams and interests, but one thing Max had trouble sharing was his pain and weaknesses, so this was new to me. In an odd way I felt like this was a deepening of a relationship I didn’t think could go any deeper.
“Well, I went to drive her home, and when I went to open her car door—”
“Always the gentlemen,” to which he nodded with a smile.
“—She grabbed my arm and pulled me down and kissed me. I kind of smiled and was trying to think of a way to say that I appreciated her affection even as I thought it was a little creepy when she grabbed my crotch with her hand.”
By now I knew Max’s mindset, and it wasn’t horniness, so I decided to tease him. “Sounds more like an opportunity than weirdness.” He glared at me. “Hey, you’re the one who said she was pretty.”
“Anyway, I grabbed her hand and kind of laughed it off, saying something like there was plenty of time for that later.”
“Oh that was a mistake.”
“Wait, why do you say that?” He looked at me, his face full of confusion.
“Because now she’s probably thinking that you’re inviting her to a hotel room or something for a big finale.”
“Omigosh, that’s pretty much exactly how she reacted.”
“Rumor has it that I’m a girl and that I know girl things.”
“So she says to me, with this really desperate whisper, ‘I could start you here and we could finish somewhere more intimate later,’ and then I swear to God she winked at me and grabbed my zipper with her hand.”
“So what’s it like to get a blowjob?” I asked, smiling sweetly.
“Shut up, you jerk.” He was smiling when he said it, so I knew that we were totally attuned to each other on the mood of the conversation. “I told her that it was too early to talk about stuff like that.”
“You sound like an altar boy.”
“That’s what she said!”
I shoved my shoulder against his. “Girl. Knowing girl things.”
“Yeah, well anyway. I’m driving her home, and she’s still running her hand up and down my thigh, and before you say anything, no, it was not sexy or arousing.”
“Noted.”
“I walk her up to her house, and I figure that I should at least kiss her goodnight, so I lean down to kiss her, and she grabs my hair and smashes her face against mine. She was running her tongue against my lips trying to get it in my mouth, but I just clamped them shut and pulled back. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, her or me. I kind of muttered a goodbye, and as I walked away I was wiping her saliva off my lips and chin with my sleeve, and I glanced back and she was watching me.”
“Oh man, that’s bad.”
“Yeah, her last sight of me after our date is me furiously wiping her kiss off my lips.”
“Well, look at the bright side, you still have my promise,” and the moment I said it, all the air got sucked out of the room. We had not talked about the promise since we made it, and I had assumed that Max was glad of that. I was his sister, and he didn’t think of me that way. Sure, stepsister, but still. His cold reaction to everything had been clear enough. But now I brought it all up again. I wanted to just disappear.
“Oh,” he replied. He looked at me, and there was something different in his eyes. Not the cold analysis I expected, but something warmer. “I just thought that with you and Jeremy…” His voice trailed off.
“Me and Jeremy?” It took a moment, and then I added, “Oh my gosh, no. We haven’t done more than just kiss on the lips.”
“I thought you two were pretty close.” That look in his eyes again.
“Actually, he doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to break up with him.” Up until that moment I hadn’t decided to do that, but something was changing, and the awkwardness and anger of my not kissing him with the passion he wanted suddenly became a deal breaker for me.
I looked at Max. He was smiling and shook the fringe of his hair out of his eyes. Yes. It was only too clear. I was going to wait until our eighteenth birthday, and then I was going to kiss him like he’d never been kissed before. For the first time I had an inkling he felt the same way. It was nothing more than the aftermath of a bad date, but it was something.
7
Max
I didn’t want to ruin it, so I played it cool. When Katie mentioned the promise I changed the subject to her and Jeremy, but inside I was a mess of emotions. I could never get my mind of Katie. She was the most beautiful girl in school. No, I had to agree with Jeremy on this one—she was hot. And she was my best friend. It was the kind of combination that wasn’t supposed to exist, but it not only existed, it was my life.
The only trouble was that I didn’t think Katie felt the same way. I was her brother, and as every year went by we became more and more family. Was family, best friend, and girlfriend a thing? It didn’t seem so, and that kind of freaked me out. Of course, I assumed the family part ruined it for Katie, but maybe it didn’t. Maybe the family thing wasn’t really a problem for us.
It would be a problem for Mom and Dad.
The thing was, Katie’s opening the door made me think that perhaps our parents would be okay with it. They had found each other in difficult circumstances and got married. Maybe they wouldn’t worry about Katie and I dating. I decided to ask my dad.
Every Saturday we would go out and run errands. They ran the gamut from trips to Home Depot to Dick’s Sporting Good to Central Market. If something was needed around the home, we both took care of it as a team on Saturdays. The time together in the car was a great opportunity for us to chat about dad/son things. Dad was pretty open and liberal, and he wasn’t afraid to talk about personal things like sex or dating.
“Dad, I have a dating question.” We were driving across town to get buy some special ingredients for a meal that Mom was planning, so we had time for a long conversation.
“Dating question? By now I think you probably have more experience than I have.” He turned and winked at me.
“More like how the family views a potential dating choice of mine.” My Dad glanced over at me, his brows furrowed.
“Dating choice? C’mon, Max. You should know better than that. We don’t care if you date a Black girl, a foreign girl, or anything. Just find yourself someone who will make you happy.”
“No. It’s nothing like that. I was thinking of something more like—” I didn’t know anything that would remotely compare to asking him about dating Katie, and there was no way I was going to drop that bomb without more of an idea how he would respond. I took a deep breath. “Well, how about this. How would you feel if I dated one of my first cousins?”
“You want to ask Julie out?” Julie was beautiful, and she was the daughter of my dad’s brother. I was focused on my dad’s reactions and the sound of his voice. I thought it was interesting that he immediately assumed I meant Julie. Beyond that it was tough to read him, so I just went with his assumption.
“Well, you have to admit she’s pretty.”
“She’s beautiful, Max. Inside and out.” I could sense the disapproval growing in his voice. “But she’s family.” Dad shook his head, and then sighed. “Look, Max, it’s not that I am ethically opposed to someone dating their first cousin. It’s not a genetic problem, and it’s not illegal. It’s just that it creates a tension that upsets the dynamic of the family. I really like Julie. I love Julie, but I love her as my niece. Can you imagine if you two go through a big break-up? You may be able to avoid those girls that you discard at school, but you won’t be able to do that with family. You’d make Thanksgiving and Christmas miserable for all of us. Aunt Hazel would kill you.”
“Sheesh, Dad. I don’t discard girls.” I looked out the window, wishing I had never brought the subject up. “And it was j
ust something I was thinking about. I wasn’t even serious.”
It was clear my dad didn’t believe me. “That’s the problem, Max. When it comes to girls you don’t think. You chase every pretty girl at school and seem to get bored of them the moment you catch them. You know, I’m glad you brought this up.” Oh no. I had opened the door to lecture time. “Your mom and I are worried about your inability to make a real connection with a girl. Who was that nice girl you brought home at the start of swimming season?”
“Karen?”
“Yes. She was smart and pretty and you seemed to really get along with her. And then three weeks later you were on to someone new. Help me understand, Max. What was wrong with her?”
I didn’t know how to answer the question, as the reality was that Karen was all those things, but she was also very sexual, and when we started making out in the football stands and she asked about going to a hotel room, it freaked me out. All I could picture was the disappointment on Katie’s face. I was rejecting an amazing girlfriend in every sense because it would betray my love for Katie, who was the perfect girlfriend.
Except she wasn’t my girlfriend.
“I don’t know, Dad. She was just kind of crazy in ways that you don’t see in public.”
Dad nodded. “Ah. Well, I’ve dated my share of those.” He reached over and tapped me on the leg with his fist. “Look, Max. I get it. Julie is very attractive, and she is a wonderful girl, but let me illustrate it for you in a way that you’ll better understand. Imagine what it would be like dating your sister.” All the air left me at that moment. I literally could not speak or breathe. All I had done for the past couple years was dream about dating Katie. “Yeah, kind of unsettling, isn’t it?” I didn’t reply. I just listened to what was the absolute worst case scenario unfolding in the seat next to me as my dad spoke. “Katie’s prettier than Julie, but you would never think of her that way, right?” He didn’t wait for me to acknowledge the question. “She’s family, and it would just be flat out wrong.” Dad glanced over at me. “You understand?”
“Yeah, Dad. I get it.”
“So dating Katie would just be weird and wrong and cause nothing but pain, right? Well, I know that a cousin isn’t the same thing as a sister, but the concept isn’t too far off. The same complications would exist. So put that thought out of you head.” He shook his head. “My goodness, Max. Your cousin? I’m starting to think the only pretty girl in this city that’s safe from your attentions is your sister.”
And with that comment, Dad let out a big laugh, and I felt my whole world collapse.
8
Katie
The swim team had issued some kind of space age swim suit to Max, and he just had to show it off to the family. One of the maddening things about Max was that he was pretty shy at school, especially around the pool, but at home he was totally relaxed. So I had to live with the torture of watching his incredibly hot body barely covered by fabric so thin that it looked painted on. To make matters worse, Max would put his finger under the waistband and tug to show how tight they were.
I knew he was completely oblivious to just how sexy it was, and Mom and Dad just thought it was interesting in a technical “how can that make you swim faster” way. That is until he dropped the bomb that the swimsuits were allegedly see-through when wet, Mom freaked out a little bit at that, and Max made no qualms about going and jumping in the shower to test it.
“Ha, it was just a myth!” Max yelled from the other room. A few moments later he walked in, soaking wet. His swimsuit wasn’t see-through, but if I thought it hugged his body while dry, it left very little to the imagination while wet. I cleared my throat and said, “Yep. Not see-through,” as I was torn between averting my eyes and staring.
Later that night, Mom and I were doing the dishes, and I decided to dive right in and ask her about Max and me. I had plenty of evidence that she would not take the question well, so I approached it from a different angle. “Do you think I’m bad for Max?” I asked.
“Why in God’s name would you ask that?” Mom replied as she took a plate from my hand and started to dry it.
“Well, we do so much together. We are constantly hanging out together.” I handed her a cup. “You know he’s my best friend, right?”
“Yes, and I think that’s wonderful. But I’m still confused how you think that’s bad for him.”
“Well, we love spending time together. We are best friends. We share all the same interests. Don’t you think that makes things with anyone he dates difficult? I mean, I’m practically his girlfriend.” I held my breath after I spoke the last sentence. I felt that I hid the statement behind a context that would make it appear to be innocuous, but I wasn’t sure.
Mom laughed out loud, put the cup down, and smiled as she looked at me. “Oh my gosh, Katie. You are not at all like his girlfriend. You’re his sister. That’s completely different. Girls will understand that.” Mom laughed again. “Can you imagine being his girlfriend? Oh my gosh, that would be so horrific. I would never be able to show my face in town again, and can you imagine the incest jokes that you two would face at school?”
My heart fell. I knew my mom wasn’t trying to be cruel, but the casual way she talked about how ridiculous it would be for me to fall in love with Max tore me up inside. The thing was that it didn’t change my mind. I just realized that we’d have to be boyfriend and girlfriend without Mom or Dad finding out. Now all I had to do was see if Max would be on board with that.
It seemed like a possibility after Max revealed that our promise was still real. I even had a plan to turn the trips that we took as friends into actual dates. We did stuff together all the time, from hanging out at Barnes & Noble or Starbucks to going to the movies. Yet we never did “date type” things like hold hands or put our arms around each other or kiss. I was yearning for that physical connection in the worst way, so one night when we were at the theater, I did a simple thing—I lay my head on his shoulder. I figured it was a small step that would make the next one more comfortable.
I didn’t know what to expect, but I wanted him to take my hand or lower his head against mine or for him to put his arm around me and pull me close. He did none of those things. He just watched the movie. I felt self-conscious and after about five torturous minutes I lifted my head and watched the rest of the movie. Max was always the logical one, and he would always laugh about how I couldn’t control my emotions and that I just charged into situations without thinking. This was no exception, as when we got to the car, I was hurt and angry.
“Do you think I’m pretty?” I asked Max, most likely with more intensity in my voice than I intended.
He paused his pre-driving routine of attempting to look in every single direction at the same time before pulling out of the parking space, and stared at me. “Of course I think you’re pretty.”
“Do you think I’m hot?” Charging in without much thought. Yep, that’s me.
“Jesus, Katie. What kind of question is that?”
“Fine. Don’t answer it.” I crossed my arms.
“So you want to go there?” Max looked annoyed.
“Go where?”
Max closed his eyes and was quiet for a moment. Just as I was about to make another provocative and pointed comment, he spoke up. “You know I love you, right?” I nodded, but left the question as to how he loved me unanswered. “Good, because I want you to understand that nothing will ever change that. But things are… complicated.”
“I can handle complicated,” I replied emphatically, although I thought of my Mom and the reality that I really couldn’t handle her drama.
“Yes, Katie. You can handle anything. I get it.” His comment hurt, but I let it go. I knew I was pushing things. “Here’s the thing.” He turned in his seat, and, to my shock, took my hands in his. “I can’t handle it. Things are just not as simple as you sometimes like them to be.” He reached up and touched my cheek with his palm and added, “I think that we just need time to figure things
out.”
“We’ve had years, Max.”
“Sometimes it takes that long.”
“I don’t know how long I can wait.” I didn’t really mean it, but I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to push Max to… what? I didn’t know. Say he couldn’t wait any longer either? Tell me he loved me and wanted to be my boyfriend? All I knew is that I wanted some kind of acknowledgment from him.
Max didn’t say anything for a long time, and I wondered if I had made a huge mistake, that by saying I couldn’t wait he took it as an admission that the promise just didn’t mean as much to me as it did for him or that I was unable to control the desires that were constantly top-of-mind for me. “Well, we still have the promise,” was Max’s eventual reply.
In the context of the conversation it didn’t sound like much at all. In fact it sounded like a weak way of dismissing my very real longing for him. Max pulled out of the parking lot, and with each mile I felt my heart being left in pieces behind us.
When we got home I went to my room and cried.
Part III
9
Max
I did okay on the dating scene my junior and senior year, I guess. I studied a lot and practiced all the time, but I was a swimmer, and girls seemed to like dudes in speedos. It wasn’t until late in my senior year that I realized that I had a reputation as a ladies man. For a guy who enjoyed marine biology and went to bed at nine o’clock, the entire concept seemed absurd, but that’s what Chuck said.
“Look, dude, you go through girls like most guys go through condoms.”
“Which in your case means I’ve had one long monogamous relationship.”
Chuck punched me in the shoulder. “Very funny, Romeo. But let’s look at the facts. Rose, Alexis, Dawn, Amy.” He shook his head in an appreciative manner. “Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. I could even add a few more. You went out with Samantha and Amanda at least once. Hot and hot. Hell, the only hot girl in the class you haven’t dated is your sister.”
A Promise to my Stepbrother Page 3
