“Katie isn’t hot!” I replied, hoping I sounded sincere. In my eyes she was the only hot girl in school.
“I’d comment on Katie’s hotness, but it would only make you mad, so let me reply by saying that you would most likely have a different view if she weren’t your sister. But we have drifted off topic. I’m trying to figure out whether I admire the raw number of notches on your bedpost or whether I’m kind of worried about your inability to form a lasting relationship.” Before I could object, Chuck exclaimed, “Wait!” I turned and looked at him, and he had a shocked look on his face. “You’re not sleeping with half the girls in school to hide the fact that you’re Gay, are you?”
Before I could object, he burst out in laughter. It was my turn to punch him. “First of all, idiot, if I were Gay there’d be nothing wrong with that. Second of all, I’m not Gay. I just haven’t found the right girl.”
“I just want to know your secret,” Chuck finally replied when his laughter died down. I didn’t answer, as the secret wasn’t that I was making my way through the pants of every hot girl in high school. I hadn’t even French kissed any of them. The real secret was that I was looking for a girl who would be everything that Katie was.
I hadn’t found her, and I was starting to think I never would.
10
Katie
I loathed Dawn Greene. She was gorgeous, with long, straight, blonde hair and the kind of body that all the guy’s lusted after. She could have been a model. In fact, she had the look that would have worked equally on a New York runway or in a bikini on a showroom floor. Guys salivated over her.
And she was dating Max.
There wasn’t a boy alive that wouldn’t have tried to French kiss her or more at the earliest opportunity, and she and Max had been on three dates. After their third date, she met up with him after swim practice, and as I watched she hung all over his body. This paragon of male desire was desperate for Max. There was no way he could resist, and our promise would be broken.
I had kind of accepted that the promise had already been broken over the past year. After my disastrous conversation with him in the car, Max had gone crazy and started dating a lot of girls. A lot of pretty girls. Hot girls. Half the school believed he had slept with all of them, and a few of the girls made a concerted effort not to deny those rumors. For his part, Max would express frustration to me over them. He said again and again that he didn’t have any interest in sleeping with anyone that he wasn’t deeply in love with. But he never said that he didn’t French kiss them.
Well then.
As painful as it was, I never made the mistake of asking Max whether he had broken our promise after the multiple train wrecks of the past two years. I made a different kind of mistake—embarrassing myself in various absurd attempts at subtly letting Max know that I hadn’t broken our promise. I clung to the hope that it would matter to him.
The worst was after I broke up with Johnny Simms after dating him for a full month. Max and I were watching TV, and out-of-the-blue I blurted out, “I broke up with Johnny.”
Max’s perfect face was full of worry as he turned to me. “Oh, man. I’m so sorry, Katie. I thought you liked him.” His brows furrowed and he added, his voice tense, “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“Oh, god no,” I replied. “It just wasn’t working out.”
Max ran his hand through his hair, which was so incredibly cute that it made my heart skip a beat every time he did it. “You two seemed really close. Are you okay?”
“Well, we didn’t French kiss!” I exclaimed brightly. As soon as the words escaped my lips I wanted to just die. It was obvious and pathetic and stupid that I was bringing up the promise when it was abundantly clear that Max had already broken it tons of times. I clenched my jaw, at a complete loss at how to regain my dignity.
Max stared at me, and his next words stunned me. “I’m going to break up with Dawn.”
I was stunned. “What? Why? Really?” I fumbled with words as I tried to make sense of the conversation.
“She’s kind of clingy.” Max shrugged. “Plus, she wants to move too fast.”
We were facing the same situation, and for that reason my whole attitude changed—we could get through it together. And like that our old friendly repartee returned. “Dude, every guy in the school would beg to have her move fast with them. If she ripped her clothes off on the first date it wouldn’t be fast enough.”
Max smiled. “Well, I’m not every guy.”
“Yeah, you have some kind of industrial strength self-control there buddy.”
“Or maybe I have higher standards than the other guys.” He flashed me a smile. “And apparently you.”
It felt so comfortable. So us. I had abruptly talked about a break-up and then blundered into talking about the promise, and now we were talking like we always did—sarcastic, teasing, sympathetic, warm, and most important of all, full of love.
“Well, I did break up with Johnny Simms. So I have some standards.”
“Hey, he’s a good guy. I hope you didn’t break his heart.”
“Unfortunately, I seem to be physically incapable of not breaking hearts.”
Max nodded as he replied, “Me, too.” He then turned his head and stared at me, his grey eyes intense and piercing. “Maybe what I want is impossible to have.”
“Don’t think that way!” I exclaimed. “There’s a special someone out there for you.” My heart broke as I said the words. I knew he had broken the promise even if I hadn’t. He’d eventually find that special someone. But it wouldn’t be me.
“Yeah. She’s out there. I do believe that.” Max suddenly stood up. “I need to go do my homework,” he said, his voice a little strained. He walked out of the room without a single glance back at me.
11
Max
We had a lake house where we spent a lot of time during the Summer. I loved going there, but I have to admit it drove me crazy. I mean, it was the best because I got to swim in the lake, and I rarely got to swim without someone holding a stopwatch, so I enjoyed the relaxation of it. It was also awesome because it was so isolated. Katie and I spent so much time just enjoying life there. But it drove me crazy because we always went in the Summer, and Katie would walk around in a bathing suit.
Okay, it wasn’t the lake house that drove me crazy, it was Katie in a swimsuit. In my heart I had given up all vestiges of chaste brotherly love. Katie was funny, amazing, smart, kind, rambunctious, adventurous, and loved all the same things I did. I could not imagine life without her. But I couldn’t avoid the fact that she was sexy and hot and alluring, and all those things that forced me to lower my head and avert my eyes.
So I loved being with her, and I loved our time together, but I found it very difficult to push aside the physical attraction I had toward her. There were moments I would just stare at her, and she would catch my eye and ask me what was so funny. I’d reply, “Nothings funny. I’m just wondering what you’re thinking.”
“Oh, just that Peter Jackson should have hired Marcia Lucas to edit The Lord of the Rings. You know she—”
“Edited Star Wars. I know. She would have turned it into a tighter, better paced movie.” Katie nodded with a smile. “You know, you’ve said that at least a half dozen times. Are you still thinking about that?”
“It’s a good idea!” I agreed, laughed, and we continued our conversation about flawed science fiction movies. I had so much fun that I almost forgot that she was wearing a swimsuit. Almost.
12
Katie
My favorite place in the whole world was our lake house. It was so remote that Internet access was spotty, so the whole family played games, talked, and generally just had fun together. Max would swim every day, and I have to admit that it was its own thrill.
Of course I saw him in his tight speedos all the time, but there was something in his posture at the lake house that just seemed more relaxed and, I have to say, sexy. Like he was totally comfortable living in the h
ot body he had.
But that was really just part of it. We would talk for hours. It was totally just alone time for us. No matter what happened at school or how mad we were with each other, everything seemed to be better at the lake house.
Or maybe I just liked seeing Max constantly in his swimsuit with a smile on his face.
Part IV
13
Max
Katie and my birthdays were only a month apart, and Mom and Dad’s anniversary as a couple was the same month as my birthday, so Mom had this bright idea of having an intimate celebration at the lake house. They would celebrate five years together, while Katie and I would celebrate our eighteenth birthdays.
The lake was in upstate New York, about three hours from our house, so we packed up the Range Rover on a Thursday afternoon and prepared to arrive later that night for a three-day family gathering. I was looking forward to it because Katie and I could spend some quiet time together. Things had been tense between us ever since she accepted a scholarship to Rhode Island School of Design, while I was heading to UCLA on a swimming scholarship.
Honestly, I was a little hurt. I assumed we would go to college together. We obviously wouldn’t be roommates, but I thought the whole craziness of making it through our college years would be a lot easier with us watching each other’s back. And the thing was—UCLA had an art program and RISD didn’t have a swim program. So I took her choice as a pretty clear indication that our relationship was truly moving into one of a brother and sister who only saw each other on holidays.
I guess I thought that after she broke up with Jeremy and didn’t get another boyfriend that we were destined to be together. It just seemed so natural, even though we didn’t talk as much. I felt that we were dropping hints every so often to that effect, so I was hurt and confused and disappointed.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. By the end of senior year, Katie no longer came to all of my swim meets, and by then I had avoided other girls and tried to spend as much time with her as I could. Maybe it was too little, too late, and we were destined to drift into our seperate social circles.
The good news was that our bedrooms were still right next to each other, and we would occasionally wander in late at night to discuss one thing or another that was bothering us. Even Katie wouldn’t deny that we were still best friends.
The trouble was that as the visits became less often they also became more unbearable. Katie would come in wearing nothing but a long t-shirt without a bra, and I couldn’t stop staring at her chest. She had an amazing body. Sometimes she wore pajamas, and she was able to even make those look sexy.
I remember one night when she grabbed a few of my pillows from the base of my bed and tossed them against the wall so she could lean back and stretch across the bottom of my bed while I was sitting near the top. As she leaned back, the front of her pajama top pulled up, and I could see the top of her pajama bottoms. They had slid down and were very low.
I did my best not to stare, but just that hint of her pajama bottoms sliding down and exposing skin filled me with the thoughts that I knew were no longer appropriate, if they ever were.
So as we rode back and forth to the lake house, we settled into a comfortable if slightly more distant friendship, marked by my suffering from constant sexual tension and desire. I knew she didn’t share my feelings, as she was just so damn natural and friendly. She was so poised and calm that there was no way she was experiencing what I was, with the awkwardness and furtive glances.
She was sitting next to me in the back seat, wearing a cotton sun dress, and I was so much taller than her that it was easy for me to look down the front where she had unbuttoned it enough to reveal a good deal of her cleavage. Jeremy had once asked me if I had seen Katie naked, and the truth was that I hadn’t, but I would have given practically anything for the opportunity. She wasn’t beautiful like a model—she was pretty like the girl next door with just the right amount of curves. It was just my luck that my sister was my ideal woman.
I glanced away as Mom looked over her shoulder and started a new variation on my least favorite conversation. “Max, I know I’ve been pressuring you to go out with some girls and date again. I’m not sure who broke your heart, but this loner thing isn’t healthy.” I knew what was coming. “So I’ve been thinking. You’ll meet a lot of girls at UCLA, and they’ll be smart and independent." She paused and then added, "You won’t have to worry about your Dad judging you or them.”
“Hey!” Dad replied.
“I have no idea what you mean, Mom.” I glanced at Katie, but she was staring out the window.
“Oh, don’t be that way. You’ll have fun at college, and we won’t be there to make you second guess yourself.”
“Again, Mom. No idea.” I was hoping she’d get the hint.
“Just remember to buy lots of condoms!”
“Hey!” Dad replied, which was about the extent of how far he would object to something Mom said.
“Gross, Mom!” I looked over. It was Katie. She made a strangling motion toward the back of Mom’s seat. I smiled.
Mom ignored her. “I sometimes think the two of you are too close.” I felt my knees go weak as Mom said the words. I glanced at Katie, but she just stared at the back of Mom’s head. Did Mom know? How could she know that we kissed, that I dreamed about Katie every night? Did she know? “I love that you two are close, but it probably wasn’t healthy having you spend so much time together when you could have been dating your classmates.” I breathed out, not even realizing that I had held my breath. She was just editorializing.
“Mom, please,” Katie’s voice was a bit strained. That’s when I realized that Mom was mostly talking about Katie, since I was the one with the revolving girlfriends Junior and into Senior year.
“Don’t be like that. This is important. I’m just glad you’re already on the pill.”
“What? Katie’s on the pill?” I was so shocked I blurted the words out without even thinking. I looked over and Katie was furiously shaking her head mouthing the word “please.”
“How a woman controls her period is none of your business, son.” It was Dad, uncharacteristically interjecting himself in the conversation.
“Jesus Christ, can we just change the subject?” Katie’s frustration was apparent to everyone, so we all remained quiet.
After a few minutes, Dad spoke up again. I don’t know what was going on, but he was being more talkative on the drive to the lake house than he had been during the previous year. This did not bode well in my opinion. “I’m just glad you two are so close. Your Mom and I never thought that we would have both a daughter and a son, and when we found each other, and you two met, the joy you found in each other, well, it was special.” I couldn’t believe it. My Dad was getting choked up.
“What your Dad is trying to say is that we were all brought together later in our lives, and yet everything has worked out so wonderfully. I don’t know a better brother and sister than you two, and this is what this whole weekend is about—celebrating our years together, and a brother and sister ready to face the world as adults."
The rest of the drive was quiet as Mom and Dad held hands. I browsed Reddit on my phone, while Katie, well she just stared out the window, probably already dreaming of being away from us and off in Rhode Island.
14
Katie
While Max was gorgeous and sexy year round, he was never sexier than during the weeks before and after the end of swimming season. Like all swimmers he shaved his head and all the hair off his body. It supposedly made them swim faster, and I guess every little bit counted. Whether it actually worked or not I didn’t know, but I loved it.
Our birthdays were during the end of swimming season, so as we drove to the lake house I couldn’t help but glance at Max’s beautiful face and his bald head. At one point Max stretched, and his leg brushed against mine, and I felt electricity flow up my leg and through my whole body.
I knew that Max had moved on, so I
felt embarrassed and sad at how I felt. All I could do was stare out the window and try not to think about him at all.
We got to the lake house at about eight o’clock, and the sun was already on the horizon. Max went into the house for some reason or another while I helped Mom and Dad unpack. I grumbled about Max, but Mom and Dad just shrugged. They weren’t going to let anything ruin this weekend.
Max had left his bag in the Range Rover, so I grabbed it to take to his room. The lake house had three bedrooms on the second floor and a communal shower and bathroom at the end of the hall.
I reached the top of the stairs with Max’s bag when I stopped cold. At the end of the hall Max was in the bathroom, the fluorescent light filling the room and the end of the hall with a bright light. He was standing on his tip toes looking into a cabinet above the sink. The door of the cabinet swung out toward the hall, and with his head behind it he couldn’t see me.
He was completely naked.
As he looked in the cabinet, he turned a bit to the right, and I could see everything. I was frozen in place staring at Max’s astonishing body. If you’re a girl with a cell phone and Internet access, you pretty much don’t get to the end of high school without having seen dozens of naked guys. So while I had seen photos of just about every male body type possible, I had never seen one live, and I had never seen one quite as gorgeous as Max’s.
“Mom! Where are my swim trunks? I want to get a swim in before it’s jet black out, and I can’t find them in the cabinet!” Max’s voice rang out through the house, and I quickly took a few steps backward, dragging myself from the view even as Max turned to the left, and I could see his body in profile. God, I loved that he was a swimmer.
A Promise to my Stepbrother Page 4
