But then I accidentally grabbed her butt and my fingers ran along her skin. I was horrified and immediately stopped as she swam ahead. I was hoping to ask her about her promise and see if a kiss could lead to bigger step, but I was sure I just ruined everything. Holy shit, I flat out groped her.
But she didn’t seem to mind. She joked about it, and then she dropped the bomb. She brought up the promise. She wanted to kiss me. The thing was that she said it in this kind of whimsical way, and I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not. I was quiet, just trying to figure it all out when she reached out a finger and pressed it against my lips. And I knew. I kissed her finger and then just let it all come out.
The whole time I was telling her how badly I wanted to kiss her she was smiling. She didn’t laugh at me. She didn’t reject me. She looked happy.
“We need to get to shore,” she whispered.
I sprinted to shore. I didn’t want to freak her out by seeing my suddenly fuller speedos, so I pulled out of the water well ahead of her. I grabbed the towels and arranged them on the grass. I sat down, and crossed my legs, hiding the obvious while I waited for her.
She walked out of the lake, water flowing off her hair and down her chest. Her bikini clung to her, and I couldn’t help but stare again. She was unbelievably sexy and once again I thought about us growing up together. I always loved her, but when did I start to love her in this way?
She didn’t even bother drying off and sat down close enough that our knees touched.
“Kiss me,” she said.
18
Katie
He leaned forward, and our lips touched. I didn’t know whether to open my mouth immediately or not, and suddenly I felt self-conscious, but then Max’s hands cupped my face, and I just gave in. He was holding me in his hands, protecting me, loving me. We pressed our lips together. I felt Max pull back and got scared that he had changed his mind, but he said, “That was nicer than before.”
He was talking about when we were thirteen, five achingly long years before. He was smiling, and rather than respond I practically leaped forward and kissed him again.
As our lips touched, I felt Max’s hand rest on my leg. The touch was like an electric shock, but before I could even take it in, Max—deliciously, wonderfully—parted his mouth and I felt his tongue against my lips. I opened my mouth, and our tongues touched. The soft wetness was exquisite.
There was no pressure to do this or that. No pressure to do anything right. Everything felt so natural as the tips of our tongues flicked against each other. Max would push forward, and I would feel his tongue in my mouth pressing against my tongue, licking me while I licked him.
I don’t know if it was seconds, minutes, or hours, but we eventually pulled apart. We stared into each other’s eyes. I wanted to kiss him again. And again. And again. But we fulfilled the promise. Did he want more? I thought so, but he was always so unreadable.
Before I could say something awkward, he spoke, his voice almost a growl. “I don’t think that was a real French kiss. We’re going to have to do it again to fulfill the promise.”
“Oh my God, you are so right. That wasn’t close to good enough. We need to do it again.” I said breathily.
Max leaned forward and kissed me. I happily opened my mouth, and he did the same. But as our tongues touched, he didn’t stop pushing forward, force me to fall back onto the towel that Max had laid out. As I looked up, Max was above me, his body stretched above mine.
With athletic grace he held me in his arms, and as I took in the exquisite feeling of his near naked body pressed against mine and the shocking realization of just how excited he was, there was the sound of a car driving along gravel. I looked up and Max was staring into the distance.
“Oh shit, Mom and Dad are here!” Max scrambled backward.
A moment later, Mom yelled out, “Kids, you there? We’re home!”
We walked back to the house, where Mom and Dad were waiting. “The damn market was closed today,” Dad said, while Mom was looking at me, her eyes furrowed.
“That’s a very revealing swimsuit, Katie.” Her lips were pursed. “I’m not sure I approve.” I was going to object, but she quickly added, “Oh well, you’re only here with your brother, so I guess it’s okay.”
If only she knew. I smiled and glanced at Max.
He looked horrified.
19
Max
“You’re only here with your brother.”
The trust I heard in those words was total.
The moment Mom spoke them my world collapsed. I realized that Katie and I had no future as a couple. Ever since I met her when we were thirteen I wanted to spend all of our lives together. As I got older, I obviously wanted to share more than just time with her, but the foundation was always my love for her. She was my friend. Then my best friend. Then my sister. I wanted us to be a couple. But now that was impossible.
Our parents would never understand. And what about our friends? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that we were about to break a horrible taboo. We were just stepbrother and stepsister, but no one else saw us that way. We were brother and sister. We’d lose everything.
I didn’t know if I could live with that.
I looked at Katie, and she smiled at me, but all I could think about was that it would be better if we were just best friends.
And brother and sister.
20
Katie
We ended up playing card games pretty late into the night. Max was dressed in sweat pants and a loose t-shirt, but he may as well have been nude. My imagination kept picturing him standing at the end of the hall naked, or standing in the lake with water sliding down his body. And when I wasn’t thinking of that, I was tingling over the feeling of his lips and tongue against mine.
The arrival of our parents may have put a damper on the festivities near the lake, but I fully planned on walking into Max’s room later to see if we could kiss some more and then have the discussion. We had kissed so passionately it was clear we were ready.
As the night wore on I started to think if I could transfer to UCLA. Their art and design program wasn’t nearly as good as RISD’s, but did it matter? At least they had one. I fantasized about Max and I waking up in each other’s arms and going off to get coffee before our day’s started.
“Earth to Katie. Are you going to play a card or draw?” It was Dad, quickly bringing me back to the reality of the lake house, and the one thing that I didn’t have a solution for—him and Mom.
“Sorry!” I replied. I played a card on Max, which pretty much demolished his chances in the game. “Dude, you need to stick to swimming. You suck at every other competition.”
He smirked, while Mom tsked. “Don’t use the word ‘suck,’ honey. It’s ugly.” Max rolled his eyes when Mom wasn’t looking, and I couldn’t help but think that the two of us could get past everything, including our parents’ judgment.
Finally, Mom and Dad turned in. Max and I agreed to clean up, so while they walked up the stairs, I grabbed some plates, while Max started gathering up the cards. He was reaching across the table with his back to me when I came back, so I tiptoed up to him and hugged him from behind.
He jumped and pulled away. “Jesus, Katie, you scared the shit out of me.”
“I’m just happy,” I replied. As he pulled away, I added in a conspiratorial whisper, “So… another kiss later? Maybe in your room?”
I expected him to smile or grin or have some kind of look like I had just offered him the best gift ever, or at least an acknowledgment that kissing me was a tolerable idea. Instead, he looked stern, almost angry. I was shocked.
“We fulfilled the promise.” His voice was whisper, but short and sharp.
It was like slapped me in the face. I couldn’t even grasp how he could say such a thing. It was so hurtful. “Is… Is that all it was to you? Fulfilling a promise?”
“Don’t be upset, Katie.”
I started to cry, which just ma
de me more upset. “Well, excuse me for having feelings mister emotionless swimming machine.” He stared at me, but before he could reply, I added, “I guess now I know how all your ex-girlfriends’ feel.”
“Don’t. Just don’t.” There was finally emotion in his voice, which was at least something. “I love you, Katie. I adore you.”
“You sure have an odd way of showing it.”
“Look, it wasn’t just about the promise. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to French kiss you.” He laughed, but not in a bitter or way. It seemed sad. “I mean think about that. I held out this long to kiss a girl with my tongue, because I wanted to do it with you.” I stepped backward in shock. He waited for me? “Do you realize how crazy that sounds? Every one of my friends has had sex like a kazillion times, and I was not only not doing that, I wasn’t even French kissing.”
“It’s not crazy,” I whispered.
Max stared at me for a long time, and it almost looked like he was going to cry. “I don’t think I can do this, Katie.” His eyes were intense and sad.
“What do you mean?” I reached forward and took his hand in mine. He didn’t pull away, which made me thankful.
“I love you,” he said as he squeezed my hand.
“I love you, too.” He lowered his head, as I squeezed his hand back. Before he could say anything, I added, “That’s why I want you. I need you. I love you so much I want all of you.”
“But what about Mom and Dad?” And there it came crashing down around me. At that moment, for the first time in my life, I wished that Mom and Dad had never gotten married and broken up.
But I had to face reality that Max clearly had. He was the practical one, the realist. I was passionate and crazy and made all the impetuous decisions.
Mom and Dad.
I had worked very hard to not think about them. I had kicked that can so far down the road I hoped we’d never have to deal with it. And I didn’t want to deal with it. They would never understand. I knew they were a lost cause, so I clung to one last strand. “They don’t need to know,” I whispered.
Max let go of my hand. “But that’s what is bothering me! I want them to know. I want everyone to know. I love you, Katie.”
“Well, fuck it. Let’s tell them.” The look on Max’s face told me everything I needed to know. The idea terrified him.
“Katie, I love that you want us to be a real couple, but we can’t do that just yet. Maybe in a few years. And even then maybe we’ll have to just decide to go it by ourselves. But right now we have college and there’s just too many complications for that.” He lowered his head.
I wasn’t going to give up. He was everything to me. Everything. I grabbed his hand again. “Then let’s just embrace this wonderful new stage in our relationship and worry about the rest later. It’s such a small step.” I leaned forward to kiss him.
He took a step back, and I died a little inside. “I’m afraid of the lies and secrets, Katie. We can’t be a real couple yet, because if we take that step and then hide it, how would we deal with it? How are we going to deal with the distance and Mom and Dad and our friends and all that stuff if we are building our relationship on a foundation of secrets and fear and lies?”
His response was so Max, but couldn’t he see that we were older now and we’d be able to handle it? I stood straight. “I trust that we can get through that, Max.” I stared straight into his gorgeous grey eyes. “You’re my best friend.”
He lowered his head, avoiding my gaze. “That’s just it, Katie. I don’t know if this will make sense at all, but that’s what I’m afraid of. We’ll no longer be just best friends, and we won’t be a couple. We’ll be in some kind of tenuous relationship that doesn’t have any kind of foundation that we can cling to. Or build from.”
“I just want us to always be together,” I whispered.
Max stared at me for a moment and then walked over and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t know what he was going to say. I was afraid I would hate hit. Hate him. But at that moment I need his arms around me. I sobbed a bit, and Max leaned back. I looked up into his eyes, and he kissed my forehead. It wasn’t a mechanical kiss done out of duty, nor was it a meaningless one. It was a kiss of love and affection.
“You made a promise when we were thirteen, and now I will make you a promise, Katie.” He leaned his head forward and pressed his forehead against mine. “It’s going to sound silly and crazy, but your silly and crazy promise was all that I needed to keep going, knowing that all I had to do was to wait for the right moment, and my dream would come true.” He put his finger under my chin, lifted my face, and lightly kissed me on the lips. “I dreamt of kissing you every day, Katie.”
I smiled. “I did, too.”
“You’ll always be my best friend, but we’ll be in different colleges on different coasts. It will be hard.”
“No it won’t!”
“Shhh. Maybe it won’t be, but if it is I want to offer you this promise so you know that we both have something to look forward to, a future that we have yet to experience, not a present that will allow us to drift apart.” He took a breath. “God, this is going to sound so stupid.”
“Shut up. Nothing you say is ever stupid.” I squeezed his hands.
“Once we graduate college, if we’re both still virgins, I promise you that I will make passionate love to you, and we will be a couple. Forever. No matter what we are facing in terms of friends and family.” I took a sharp breath at the words. He went to the place that neither of us had ever really spoken, but I knew that both of us had dreamed. “I promise you that just like I spent three years looking forward to the amazing kiss we shared earlier, I will look forward to that moment.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Part of me did think it was stupid. Who in their right mind goes through four years of college voluntarily a virgin. It sounded so nineteen-fifties. But part of me thought it was romantic.
But I couldn’t get past my sense of betrayal from earlier. More than anything I thought it was just unnecessary and would do little more than make Max feel less guilt-ridden or whatever the hell it was that he was feeling.
“But what about Mom and Dad? I thought you couldn’t handle them knowing us as a couple.” My voice was perhaps a little harsh, but I wanted to really push Max. I was willing to accept his promise, but I needed to be sure that his intentions were real, that he just needed time.
Letting go of my hands, Max ran his hand over his bald head. “I’ll be honest with you, Katie. I worry about that. It’s tough. I don’t think they’ll ever understand.” He started to pace. “But I’ll be ready then. I promise.”
I took a deep breath, wanting to believe him. “That’s more than one promise,” I replied,
He laughed in a way that sounded like he was holding back tears. “No. It’s all part of one promise, that I’ll love you forever.”
“I know you will.”
And then tears fell, but they fell from me.
Part V
21
Katie
After two long years I was finally going to visit Max in Los Angeles. It was a surprise visit, and that made me even more excited. Mom and Dad had decided that we should fly in for his last meet of the year before the conference and NCAA championships. It was also around our birthday, so we were going to make it a party, too.
We had talked a lot our first year apart, but our schedules were hellacious and we never really saw each other. Getting home for the holiday was about the only time we had together, and that was mostly running around from one extended family member to another. For our freshman year, distance did make the heart grow fonder, or more desperate. I had hoped that we could hang out over the summer, but Max was taking part in a series of swim camps with his coach and didn’t even come home for the 4th of July.
Things became worse our sophomore year, as we talked less and less often. We both apologized when we did talk, blaming it on our schedules, but I think we both realized the truth—our fear was coming true: The
physical distance was turning into emotional distance.
So I felt a desperate hope around our surprise visit.
Max was amazing, and it stirred in me all of the feelings from the previous few years. He stood on the starting block and jumped up and down. I just stared. He looked even more handsome and hot than when he was in high school.
The team hadn’t shaved yet for the important conference and NCAA championships, so Max looked all shaggy. I loved it. His hair was long and stuck out from under his swim cap. He smiled broadly to his teammates and even the competition. Everyone loved him. I loved him.
His body cut through the water like a knife. He won, and everyone cheered, none louder than me. As the other cheers died down, I continued to stand and hoot and holler. He glanced up, and then he saw me. The excitement in his eyes made the whole trip worthwhile.
I waved, and before I knew it he was running along the back of the natatorium and then up the steps into the crowd. He wrapped his arms around me in a big wet hug. I laughed as water dripped onto my head.
“Katie!” There was a cough, and Max stepped back and greeted Mom and Dad. “Sorry, Dad. I’m glad to see you and Mom, too!” He looked over his shoulder and then turned back quickly. “Look, I have to get back down to the team. This is such a crazy surprise!” He looked at me and, his voice filled with emotion, said. “I’m so glad you came.” He then looked down and nodded his head toward my chest. “Nice bra. The wet t-shirt contests are generally held in bars, though.” He laughed and sprinted away before Dad or Mom could say anything.
A Promise to my Stepbrother Page 6
