by S R Dyble
I kept my head down, embarrassed about the scene I’d just made. Despite not feeling many eyes on us, I still felt like a complete idiot.
"Who was it that you thought you saw?" Kit asked once we were both back in his car.
"It doesn't matter now," I answered brushing it off and staring out of the window.
"Eves," Kit asked me more sternly.
I looked at him, seeing his face so serious in the darkness of the multi-story car park.
"Ralph," I eventually said and he nodded before sitting back in his seat.
"He can't hurt you anymore, Eve, he's gone."
I thought about it, and how I'd seen Ralph's body under the assault of bullets forcing him backwards. He was dead—no doubt about it. Still, he haunted my memories and I wondered if I'd ever be free of him.
"Just like her mother."
I closed my eyes harder, trying to drown out his echoing voice in my head.
"I need that wealth!"
"No!" I started chanting, reaching my arms out trying to snatch his face from my memory, trying to claw his face out of my head.
"No!"
I shot up so fast my head spun and placing my hands on my head, I brought them into sight to see the sweat dripping from my fingers. Taking a deep breath of freedom after feeling so trapped, I glanced over at the morning light starting to stream in through the window. When I did, I saw Kit sitting in the corner of the room, in his chair, just staring at me with his fists to his mouth. I'd seen him like that before, and just like the last time, he looked as if he was overseeing everything and analysing me.
"How long have you been sitting there?" I asked, feeling a little nervous.
"Long enough," he answered, not giving anything away. "I was about to wake you up," he added.
"Did I wake you up?"
He shook his head. "I got up to go to the toilet, when I came back you were mumbling."
It was strange how Kit had left my side and suddenly I had a nightmare. As if even asleep I depended on his safety beside me.
"I'm sorry—"
"I need you to come with me to Delta today, okay?"
I frowned, "Why?"
"I wanna show you something."
"Just tell me."
"Not until we get there," he answered, getting up to go into the bathroom.
What the actual fuck?
I got ready quickly afterwards so that we could leave straight away. In the car, I did my best to eat a breakfast bar whilst Kit sat in complete silence. It seemed like forever getting there and when we finally did I latched onto my seat as a masked man came out of the security house to inspect the car. I felt Kit's fingers pulling at my hand on the seat, and I looked at him as he threaded his fingers with mine, until the masked man was finished.
Once parked up I got out of the car and didn't wait for Kit, I headed into the building and froze when a group of armed, masked Delta men surrounded me on their way out of the building. I stood completely still, almost shaking as they all peered at me and left. I felt hands on me and I jumped before Kit spoke into my ear.
"Training, they're just training," he said.
"Why are they fully dressed with the masks on?" I asked once they'd fully left.
"The masks aren't easy to wear when you're in combat, so when we can, we train fully geared so we can get used to it."
I nodded, still feeling nervous after seeing them. Taking my hand, Kit led me past the front desk and I recognised the woman there from my last visit. She beamed at Kit and offered me a smile but Kit was moving so fast I didn't have time to react. He pulled me down another corridor, one I hadn't been to before and through a set of double doors. I was shocked to see Jax walking towards us. He looked just as confused as me and he eyed us both before smiling.
"Hey," he said and I said it back.
"Do you know where Jerry is?" Kit asked and Jax looked straight at me, then back at Kit.
"He's in his office, I think."
"Thanks, we'll see you later," Kit said before taking me with him again.
"Who's Jerry?" I asked but before Kit could answer he knocked on a door and we both heard a guy telling us to come in.
He had a strange accent from what I could hear, but once Kit opened the door and I heard him greet him, I realised it was an African accent.
"This is Eve," Kit said, looking at me and I smiled as Jerry came closer and gently held my hand.
"It's so good to finally meet you, Madam," he said, shaking my hand.
I loved the way he spoke, but I was still at a loss as to who the hell this was.
"I'm Jerry. I'm the psychiatrist here at Delta."
I stared at Kit then, knowing exactly why he'd brought me here and as my body filled with anger he reasoned with me only with his eyes. I shook my head, looking at the floor and tried to conceal my anger long enough to apologise to Jerry and excuse myself. Naturally, Kit rushed after me, standing in front of me in the hall.
"Woah, Woah." He raised his hands in the air like I was an out of control horse he was trying to calm down.
"Why would you bring me to him?" I questioned him. "You know I hate having my mind dug up, I told you!"
"Listen to me, please."
"No, Kit," I answered adamantly and I tried walking around him again.
He had no idea how much I couldn't do this. I couldn't go back to someone racking my brain for answers. It never helped, not once.
"Jerry isn't like that, I promise."
"And how do you know?" I stopped and challenged him.
"Because your father hired him for me," he answered and I stared at him in shock.
"For you?"
"Yes," he nodded. "I'm not gonna go over how fucked up I was when I started here but Jerry did help a lot."
I listened to him carefully but didn't look at his face.
"These nightmares, Eves, aren't doing you any good."
"I haven't had one in a while. Today was the first—"
"It doesn't matter. I saw the look on your face in that coffee shop. It still has a hold on you, Eves."
I prayed he wouldn't mention the baby, him mentioning the baby would only upset me and I didn't wanna cry here.
"I'll make you a deal," he offered. "Talk with Jerry, if you don't think it's helping, I won't mention it again. Just try for me, okay?"
I nodded after a while, knowing how much this meant to him. I'd do this for him, even if it meant more upset for me.
"Tell me why you didn't want to meet with me today, Eve?"
I looked at Jerry from where I sat in my chair, my head full of doubt and sceptical thoughts.
"I don't like digging up the past, I don't think it helps anyone."
He nodded, not necessarily agreeing.
"Firstly, I want to tell you that everything you speak to me about will remain strictly between us."
I nodded, knowing that already.
"What if we didn't bring up the past? Just talk about how you're feeling now."
"Doing that will always revert to the past. The past has brought me to how I'm feeling now."
He nodded, I could see his physiatrist gears working in his head, trying to figure me out.
"You're awfully sceptical about my help, aren't you?" He smiled with a sense of knowing.
"I've seen many psychiatrists," I replied.
"Hmm," he nodded, "at your own will?"
I waited a short while and shook my head. "Always because someone else wanted me to or told me I had to."
Exactly like right now. I was doing this for Kit.
"So, how about this?" he proceeded. "How about you sit here with me as your friend, because you want to be here. Not because you're doing it because someone else has told you to? No one is paying me to shrink you, I get paid either way. So, you can come and go as you please, no boundaries or commitments."
"That sounds like something a shrink would say," I said and Jerry belly laughed.
"I can see why he likes you," he said in his amazing African acc
ent.
I smiled, relaxing slightly into my seat as I bit onto my sleeve.
"What do you miss the most about them?" he asked randomly.
"Wow—jump right in there…"
He nodded. "I'm guessing you're the kind of girl that prefers to cut the shit," he smiled and I nodded.
I bit onto my sleeve harder, thinking about it.
"Myself," I finally answered and he frowned.
I knew I'd need to explain myself.
"I miss them to the ends of the universe, obviously," I said and he nodded. "I miss myself and the person I was when they were here. I'm trying to get that person back but I've struggled."
"What helps?" he asked and again I kept the fabric between my teeth and thought about his question.
"Kit," I answered. "Kit helps."
"You feel more of yourself with him?"
"I feel at home with Kit," I answered honestly and he smiled then sat back in his seat.
Again, I could see the psychiatrist clogs working in his brain.
"These nightmares," he progressed and I raised my eyebrows at him.
"Kit told you?" I questioned him and he nodded.
"So much for patient confidentiality," I said sarcastically.
Again he smiled. "Do you use sarcasm as a way to defend your emotions often?"
"I'd say yes, but honestly I think it's just because I'm a sarcastic twat," I answered and Jerry laughed again.
"You're funny, I grant you that," he said reaching for his glass of water.
"The nightmares I've had since the first kidnapping. Since the night they were murdered."
"What happens in the nightmares?"
"Normally just repeats of what's already happened. Always the two events, the fear of losing the people I've lost normally drives them. In most recent events, it's the fear of losing Kit or something happening to him or the people I care about, because of me."
"You feel this enormity of responsibility that these things happening are your fault?"
"I know certain things wouldn't have happened if it weren't for me being here," I answered.
"I understand," he said, bringing his hands to his mouth.
"I think it would be wise to try and rid yourself of this burden. To try and truly believe that nothing you've done has inflicted pain on anyone else, that people make their own decisions."
"Based on what they want from me. For instance, Ralph wanted this," I said holding up my arms. "He wanted Delta. If I weren't here, Kit wouldn't have been hurt protecting me."
"I noticed the way you struggled to say, Ralph."
Of course, you did.
"Is he in your nightmares?"
"As of late, he's in every single one." I stopped and looked away from him.
"Then... I saw him in town, but it wasn't him, it was my imagination."
He nodded. "These are very common symptoms of PTSD."
"You think I have post-traumatic stress disorder?"
It hadn't been the first time I'd been told this.
"Oh definitely," he said. "I know you do not want to hear this, Eve, but the best way of combating it is to talk about your experiences in great detail and managing your thoughts based on these memories. So that instead of blaming yourself and being fearful of these events repeating themselves, you're facing them head-on and standing up to them, does that make sense?"
I nodded, knowing this was usually the way suggested to me.
"Now, the problem with doing this is that sometimes people aren't ready to discuss traumatic events, they need time to heal first. Now, answer me honestly, are you ready to talk about these things?"
I thought about it for a long while.
"It doesn't even have to be spoken about with me. It can be with someone you trust, someone that understands."
"How will reminding myself of these memories help me?"
"In my opinion, the best healer of traumatic stress is love and patience. Call me a gooey old man, but that's what I truly believe."
I smiled.
"Now, if you're without that or you're not open to receiving it, then all of these thoughts, emotions and feelings are swirling around in your head with nowhere to go. They need to be confronted."
I gulped and nodded.
"Okay?" he asked me, smiling.
I nodded again.
"Great!" he smiled sitting back in his seat.
I eyed him, waiting for him to continue.
"That's it?"
He nodded, smiling like the wisest fucker I'd ever met. I wasn't sure if I should start referring to him as Mr. Dumbledore.
"Yes, unless there's something you want to talk to me about?"
Ah, got ya.
I nodded then, knowing what he'd meant. I got up and smiled as he did the same.
"You know where I am, anytime you need me."
I thanked him and shook his hand before leaving, feeling physically and mentally changed from our brief chat. Once I realised where I was and settled back down into reality after speaking with Mr. Dumbledore, I went in search of Kit. At the reception desk, I hovered around and glanced around the huge building until I eventually approached the lady at the counter.
"Could you tell me where Kit is please?"
She nodded, gave me a tight smile, and proceeded to tell me that she thought he was outside training on the assault course. I thanked her and headed that way, shoving my hands into the front pocket on my hoodie. It was slightly chilly outside and it began spitting with rain so I pulled my hoodie over my head. I rolled my eyes when all of my hair stuck out of the front like straw sticking out of a stuffed scarecrow. When I finally made it to the assault course I was met by a group of bare-chested men wearing gym clothes only from the waist down. I wasn't sure if I should move closer but Nick saw me and waved his arm for me to come forward. He ran up to me and walked with me closer, and I was halfway through saying Hi when I saw Kit swinging from the assault course above our heads. I stared up at him, his face set serious as his arms stayed toned and strong, holding his whole body weight even under the assault of the rain that had now picked up speed. He hadn't seen me here yet, and it meant I could stare at him without his concentration being affected.
"Your mouth is catching rainwater, Eves, you might want to close it," Nick teased from my side and I grinned before nudging my elbow into his body.
Putting his arm over my shoulder he led me over to where the other guys were waiting and I noticed their masks laying around their bags on the floor. It gave me a chance to look at each of their faces, coming to terms with the fact that these lads were the ones I feared when wearing masks.
"I bet you wished you had your camera now, huh?" Nick asked and I scoffed.
"Would certainly put my fitness project to shame," I admitted, remembering the photos I'd taken during college of just men running on a treadmill.
In saying that, I did get some very impressive photos of Kit working out. Some very impressive photos, indeed. I stared back up at Kit and he smiled and reached up over the last part of the wall before standing at the top and waving. I put my hand over my face so I could see him without the rain hitting my eyes. I waved before watching him abseil down. He walked over to me and I had to pinch myself, this ridiculously good-looking guy, dripping with water was indeed my boyfriend. The guys whistled and hooted as Kit wrapped his arms around my back and swept me off my feet with his kiss.
"Hi," he grinned and I had to take a deep breath.
"Hi," I eventually said.
Kit didn't ask me about my session with Jerry, and I did wonder why. Perhaps he wanted to remain cool without pressuring me too much about it. On the drive home, we were pretty much in silence. I was gonna give this a go, because, for the first time after speaking to a psychiatrist, I wanted to try what they'd suggested.
"Do you think we could talk about it sometime?" I asked randomly as we waited in traffic. "About what happened to my family?" I added.
I wondered then if Kit could handle that, knowing how c
lose he had been with my dad. He reached over and captured my hand in his.
"Whatever you need to do, Sweetheart, I'm all ears."
That night we were sitting at the dinner table just the two of us. For some reason, Kit's brothers were nowhere to be seen, at work, again… It did make me wonder if something was happening at Delta because they'd been missing a lot recently. But Jason and Eric didn't work at Delta, so what about them?
I decided not to fret too much about it, and as much as I loved Kit's brothers, it was amazing to sit down just the two of us. Kit had cooked and placed a bowl of garlic bread and a pot of something creamy in the centre of the table.
"We're gonna smell great," I said picking up the garlic bread.
"At least we're gonna smell great together," he winked, picking up a piece too.
A few bites later and he eyed me.
"What's your favourite colour?" he asked randomly.
"Green," I answered.
"Like, bright green or—"
"Pastel green," I answered and he nodded.
"You?" I returned the question before taking another bite.
"Probably blue. Like the sky; and your eyes."
He smirked as I shook my head. "You sweet talker."
Once we were finished eating, Kit cleaned the table and I thanked him. He was an amazing cook. Once he returned we lounged there, Kit with his beer and me with a glass of orange juice that he'd made for me. I sipped at it nervously, wondering how I'd start.
I think he knew I was going to talk about this because he eyed me as if he was telling me it was okay.
"So, Jerry told me I should talk to someone about this that would understand."
"He's a smart man."
I nodded and thought about where I should start. After what felt like forever, I finally took a breath and stared at the table, tracing the indentations with my finger.
"They told me I couldn't remember the faces because the acts that they'd committed were so unforgivable and traumatic," I started, remembering the first-ever shrink I'd ever seen. "That my mind had blocked them out."
Kit nodded.
"They made me watch it all," I said then, not allowing my voice to break.
"They made me watch everything, like it was a sport to them," I repeated.
