Diary Of A Pissed Off Wife

by Jordan Silver

  He came through the door whistling, two hours later. I was waiting for him. His little trick hadn’t called back and I had a full head of steam. There wasn’t going to be any fucking going on in here this time. If anybody was gonna get fucked, it was America’s golden boy.

  “Jane what…what’re you doing?” He came up short and his eyes went wide. I guess that’ll happen when a drunken woman pointed a gun at your goods.

  "Balls to the wall Travis you fucked up."

  "But I didn't..."

  "Uh, uh, uh, before you lie...she sent pictures.”

  “Pictures, what pictures?” He looked totally befuddled.

  I slid my phone over for him to get a looksee.

  “This is nothing, we were…” I got up to face him and he backed off.

  “Let me ask you something. Did you forget who you married? You think because we've been together all these years and I had your children that I stopped being that girl? I can see you remember.

  Now let me tell you how it's gonna be. First off, you're not going anywhere. When I said 'til death do us part I meant it, so get that shit outta your head if you were even thinking about it. You try walking out on my kids it would be the easiest twenty anybody ever spent in prison." I scratched my thigh with my glock as his eyes followed the movement and he swallowed.

  “Baby calm down I can explain; this is perfectly innocent. I don’t know why Tiffany…”

  “Is that that bitch’s name? who is she?”

  “She’s one of the girls on the squad, we’re just friends, not even that we just…”

  “Save it you lying piece a shit. She told me all about it.”

  “Jane, I don’t know why she’s doing this, but nothing happened. Come on, you should know me better than that. You know that’s not the kind of man I am.”

  “I don’t know shit you cocksucker.” Whew I should get sloshed more often, it really loosens up the tongue. “You have some serious thinking to do, because this shit right here ends today. Whether it ends with you in a pine box, or in our bed tonight, is up to you.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going to call my girls, I’ve got shit to do. This bitch live here in town?”

  “I don’t know where she lives.” I watched him closely to see if he was lying or not.

  "Oh by the way, call the exterminator."

  "What for, wasn't he just here?" He was looking all sorts of perplexed.

  "That bitch said she was in my house, I need him to check for fleas."

  "Nobody was in this house what..."

  "I'm supposed to believe you? Call him."

  I probably shouldn't have bitched so much when they took all the soaps off the TV. Fuck, now I'm living my own. Be careful what you wish for.

  Chapter 7

  I went to our room and blasted David Guetta’s Titanium. I was getting myself pumped for this bitch. He must’ve been feeling brave because he followed me not long after.

  “Baby please, stop this. I’ll talk to the girl and find out what’s going on. Maybe there’s some kind of misunderstanding…”

  “Misunderstanding, what kind of misunderstanding would that be? She forgot which dick she fell on?” He hung his head and shook it.

  "Princess I didn't sleep with her, it was just conversations."

  "Conversation? Was your phone broke?"

  He looked at me with a puzzled frown on his face.

  "No why?"

  "If you were lonely, and needed someone to talk to, you have a perfectly cognizant wife who was here lonely and needing conversation too. I ought to just punch you in your face."

  He tried talking, but I sung over his ass, I was done. He might’ve started this shit by being stupid, but I was about to end it; and that bitch wasn’t going to be smiling when I was done.

  “In these conversations, what were they about?”

  “Nothing serious, just shit about her life and stuff like that. She wants to go back to school and I was trying to talk her into going back. I never gave her any reason to believe that there was anything more going on but just straight up conversation. You can ask the guys they’d vouch for that.”

  “What, your team mates? Like I’ll believe them.”

  “So what are you planning to do now? And will you turn that shit off and talk to me?”

  “Ladies, when your man wanna get buck-wild just throw back and hit him up style.” I broke out the Blue Cantrell on his ass.

  “Me? I’m gonna get my girls together, then I’m going shopping, because even if you didn’t fuck that bitch, you spent time with her that belonged to me. I’m spending thousands big boy, you better make sure my card is straight.” I’m not the shopping type, most of my jewelry and shit, he bought. I usually just spend money on the kids, but this shit calls for retail therapy.

  “Oh and another thing, you said you’d talk to the girl. That’s a no-no, you have nothing more to say to her or your ass will answer to me. I got this. You hear ME Travis Shackelford?”

  “I understand that you’re pissed, but watch your fucking mouth when you’re talking to me. Don’t forget who the fuck You married.” I guess he forgot I was the one with the gun. Just to remind him I twirled it around my finger.

  “That shit don’t scare me. I’m not about to be taken out to the shed for some shit I didn’t do, so get that shit outta your crazy ass head.” He tried advancing on me but I was ready for his ass. One shot to the ceiling.

  Oh shit. “Travis, get off.” This crazy ass man knocked the gun out of my hand. “I told you right? Now you need to calm the fuck down and let me try to figure out what the fuck this is all about, instead of going off all half cocked.”

  “No, that bitch started this, I’m about to end it. You didn’t want to talk about it last night and now she’s calling me on a daily basis. SHE THREATENED TO TAKE MY BABIES.”

  “She what?”

  “That’s right, your rot crotch bitch said she was gonna play mom to my kids. I’ll put both your asses in the morgue before I see that happen. Now get the fuck off of me. I gotta call Jilessa.”

  “Oh shit baby, not Jilessa.” I smirked at him; I know he knows what calling Jilessa and getting her involved meant. Whoever this Tiffany was, whatever game she was playing, she’d bitten off more than she could chew.

  Now was a good time to break out the tears, my hubby cannot stand to see me cry. “I need to do this baby, she threatened my womanhood. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?” He flinched like I’d hit him.

  He rested his head on my shoulder. “Why the fuck is this happening? I only had like three conversations with this chick. There were other people around the whole time. Nothing ever happened, I never even touched her fucking hand.”

  “It’s okay baby, not to worry.” I believed him, he can’t look me in the eye when he lies, so I know he was telling me the truth. Good. With that settled it was on.

  Funnily enough, I had more fight in me now that I knew that he hadn’t fucked her. Somehow I felt more empowered.

  “Babe, go shopping, buy whatever you want, but please don’t get your crew involved in this.”

  “Sorry babe, I have to. They’re my backup; you passed the baton when you told me to ignore this shit. Besides, this is women’s work.”

  “What do you plan to do?”

  “Nothing too illegal, not to worry. Make sure the kids do their homework and eat their dinner. Maybe you should order pizza for dinner. This might take a while.” I got up and checked my phone again, looking at the pictures she’d sent.

  It wouldn’t take much to find out her last name and shit now that I knew she was on the cheerleading squad.

  “How did she know about our bedroom furniture?”

  “Her father sells furniture or some shit, she asked me what kind you were into. I just told her the name, but I swear she was never here.”

  Damn, I should really milk this, but he looked so miserable.

  “I hope you’ve learned your lesso
n, because we are never to go through this little exercise again. There won’t be a next time. Stay the fuck away from females. Unless you want me to return the favor.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that if you strike up conversations with women that get to the point of you discussing my taste in furniture, I will park my ass on a bar stool somewhere and do the same. Even Steven.”

  Chapter 8

  I left him lying on the bed and headed into the bathroom. I needed a nice long bath to wash away some of the drunk off my ass. I took my phone to start my phone tree. Without giving anything away I sent out an S.O.S, let my chicks know what was going on. They all said they’d meet me at the designated spot in an hour. Time to get a move on.

  Now my girls are made up mostly of other team wives. It makes sense that when our men are away we’re there for each other. Even the coach’s wife hangs with us and she’s a lot older. I wasn’t sure exactly how to go about telling them about this. None of us had ever had to deal with this particular headache before.

  “Baby you calm now?”

  “No why?” I came out the bath and was moisturizing and getting myself together.

  “Nothing, I just…I’m not sure this is such a good idea. Shouldn’t you wait until you cool down? You don’t wanna do anything rash.”

  I gave him my ‘don’t be an ass’ look. Now in my house, my hubby is top dog, he knows it and I know it. But there comes a time when a woman has to take the reins, and for me, this was it.

  This bitch disrespected me. She wasn’t getting away with it. “You see all the things you’re thinking right now? Write them in book. Keep them at the forefront of your memory when you’re on the road. So that you will never do this stupid shit again.”

  “I don’t see how having a perfectly innocent conversation could cause all of this”

  “Well it did, now you gotta ask yourself, how you would handle this shit if it were you?” He didn’t like that shit one bit if the way he puffed up was anything to go by.

  “Look, stop worrying. Nothing’s gonna happen. I just have to teach this girl not to mess with the big dogs. Rrrrrhhhh.”

  To fuck with his head I put on a short dress that fit right in all the right places. I could see him watching and thinking. He knows I usually wear jeans and tees when I’m going out the door, unless it’s a special occasion.

  But for the next little while, for the few days that she stole from me, he was gonna sweat. I left after giving him a disinterested smooch on the lips. I was still mad at him for bringing this shit to my door. The ass.

  Chapter 9

  My girls were already waiting when I got there. I guess I wasn’t as slick as I thought I was on the phone, because they were all looking at me with worried expressions. Damn, they brought the newbie, oh well.

  I sat down and ordered my first Appletini, they knew it was on.

  “Okay what happened? spill.”

  So I told them the whole story, from beginning to end. The first thing my girl Jilessa did, was break out her phone and go searching for this Tiffany broad. She called around to some of the other girls on the squad, until she got what she was after.

  “Carry on.” She was not looking too happy.

  "Jane, you know if a man cheats on you once he'd cheat on you again. I never understood women who forgive men these indiscretions. I know Travis said he didn’t actually cheat, but the whole thing just smacks of indiscretion to me.

  If my guy ever spent that kind of time with another woman it would break my heart. I just I know I’d have to get a divorce. How can you ever trust him again?”

  Who the fuck brought this bitch to my party? She’s new so I’ll let her slide on this one. They were usually four of us. Jilessa, Sandy, Paulette, that’s coach’s wife, and me. I guess Paulette felt bad for this one and brought her pious ass along. She mouthed the words ‘sorry’ over the idiot’s head.

  "Well Mary, if the good Lord could forgive the adulteress, I think I can be big enough to do the same. What I won't forgive is the sin. Hate the sin not sinner.

  That little side trip is gonna cost him and cost him big. Fuck a divorce. Why get half when I can stay and get it all? Guilt my friend is a hard taskmaster. Besides, he didn’t cheat or you heifers would be bailing my ass outta jail.”

  "But to go after the girl..."

  "Oh you feel sorry for little Susie home-wrecker? I better not tell you what else I have in store for her then."

  My girl Jilessa is black, and not to play into any stereotypes, but this bitch is crazy. I know without even asking what she's gonna say. But just in the off chance that she might talk me down off my ledge... “Jilessa?”

  "Let's go break this bitch.” Well then.

  Chapter 10

  “I don’t know where she lives yet Jilly.”

  “I do.” She held up her phone. “That’s what I was doing.”

  “I don’t think we should be doing anything, this is all wrong…”

  “You’re free to leave anytime.”

  “Jilessa!”

  “What Paulette? She obviously don’t want to be here.” She turned a very saccharine smile on the newbie. If I had nuts they would’ve crawled into my neck if I was at the end of that one. I know Jilessa, she did not like new girl. I better head this shit off, I have enough problems without having to break those two up.

  “Jane follow me to the lady’s please.” Jilessa made the call before I had the chance to.

  As soon as we were out of earshot she let me know where she stood.

  “I don’t like her, don’t know why Paulette dragged her ass here in the first place. If she wants to fit in and be one of us, then she better can that shit quick. She’s fixin to work my last damn nerve.

  Now after we get rid of her, we’re gonna discuss this shit, because that bitch cannot be allowed to breathe easy one more night. She brought my God-babies into this shit.”

  “Okay Jilly, take it easy, I can see the smoke coming out your ears.”

  “Fuck that, we gotta stick together. If my husband fucked up I’d expect you to have my back. We have to keep these men in line. It’s like the domino effect, one falls the others topple over like jackasses. Let them see how we deal with a bitch that steps outta line and they’ll think twice.” I love how my chick thinks.

  “Okay let’s get back before newbie starts complaining that we’re rude.” We headed back to the table and she wasn’t there.

  “Where’s Mary?”

  “She stepped outside for a minute. Now what are you two up to?”

  “Not just us two Paulette? Us four, after we get rid of newbie…”

  “Now Jane I hope you’re not planning anything illegal, last time coach wailed my ass but good.”

  “Whoo hoo go coach.” Jilly with her loud ass.

  The newbie came back in and we changed he subject. I was aching to get back to it, but Jilly was right, this girl was new, she might not understand how we did things.

  We talked about stupid shit and ordered appetizers and drinks until a decent enough amount of time had passed to ditch her.

  “Damien?” I looked over my shoulder after Jilly called her husband’s name, to see all our husbands heading our way. What the fuck?

  “Ladies.” Jilessa’s husband has got to be the hottest thing on legs after my Travis; chocolate brown, with locs and tats. The two of them made one amazingly striking couple, but later for that. What the fuck was Travis doing here?

  “Where are the kids?”

  “Mom’s got them for the night.” He gave me that look like, ‘you and me babe, it’s on’. He moved me over and sat next to me, so he could whisper in my ear. “I thought my beautiful wife was in need of my attention so mom is watching the kids for us for the rest of the weekend until after the game.”

  “But how did you know where we were?” I specifically chose this new place because I knew he didn’t know about it yet. He looked at Mary really quick before looking back at me. “Coach got a call.�
�

  That bitch. I looked over at Jilly who was probably coming to the same conclusion herself.

  “Snitches get motherfucking stitches.” Oh shit, Jilly was pissed.

  Chapter 11

  I saw Damien trying to keep Jilessa in her seat, while she was spitting fire out her eyes at Mary. He whispered something in her ear but whatever it was didn’t work. “Fuck that, that’s not how we roll. And no one is gonna come change up our shit.”

  “I think maybe I should leave…” Mary started to get up from her seat.

  “That would’ve been an hour ago, see ya.”

  “Jilessa...” Damien tried to calm the situation, me, I was keeping all my shit for the home-wrecking bitch. It’s not often I get into it, gotta save up all my energy for her ass.

  “You boys can run along now, nothing to see here.” I needed them gone.

  “Now young ladies, Travis told us what’s been going on. We all need to keep a cool head here and handle this thing like adults.”

  “Coach, when I come into your locker room and tell you how to handle your shit, then we’ll talk. Until then this is between me and my girls.”

  “Jane…” I gave Travis the bitch brow and he held up his hands.

  “Paulette I would’ve expected better from you.”

  “I don’t see why Ron, if you’d done this shit, I would’ve already boiled your nut sac.” There were a lot of spewed drinks after that one. The prim and proper Paulette just took a sip of her martini as her husband looked at her dumbfounded.

  "Coach Harper, since he already told you, then you understand my plight right? Great, now here's the deal. I understand he's your best player but it's either him or the cheerleader."