I Become Shadow

by Joe Shine

  Only then did my brain give up the fight and allow me to slump backward onto my bed eyes closed, grinning like an idiot, like the way he’d been grinning when he told me what he’d done. I heard him go inside his room, and Lawrence’s muffled greeting. I lay there, trying to hold on to that feeling for as long as I could. This junkie was officially hooked.

  After a good fifteen minutes, it had worn off enough for me to get up. I had some business to take care of before I could become officially worthless.

  I pulled from my pocket a small, clear glass tablet that I kept on me at all times. At my touch it turned on and connected me directly to the FATE Center. If there was a situation, or update on our FIP that merited a question or response, we were supposed to let them know through this number. There was a beep. I stated my name and the voice recognition software cleared me through. As was protocol, I left a message describing what I had learned about Gareth’s creation. Said I “overheard him talking to a classmate.” I left out the parts about the mugging, our “fake” relationship, and the kiss. Was I covering my own ass? Yup. But logically speaking it was unnecessary information.

  Satisfied with my report, I hung up.

  THE NEXT MORNING, WHEN Gareth left his room he knocked on my door—as per our usual routine. Only I didn’t answer it this time. He probably saw it as rightful punishment for what in his mind was a huge mistake; the lapse in judgment that had officially ended both the real and the fake relationship. But even though he did technically deserve it, I kept quiet for a different reason: to protect him from me. I hadn’t slept a wink. I’d been up all night thinking about him. Fantasizing about him. Okay, not so much about him, but how he had made me feel. It was like some kind of animalistic lust that I wasn’t sure I could control. So I didn’t answer the door because I was afraid of what I’d do to him if I did.

  I knew the truth then. It was for this reason we had been told, repeatedly, never to make direct contact. Whatever FATE had done to us during our link had some pretty intense side effects.

  He finally slunk off.

  Even as I followed Gareth to class from about fifty yards, it took every bit of my will not to sprint the distance between the two of us, grab him, and do something dirty in the bushes. No joking. It was the greatest self-control I’ve ever had to exert.

  SURE ENOUGH, MY SANITY improved as the week went on. Either I got stronger, or the feelings got weaker. It didn’t matter. Either way, by the time he left the lab at the end of that week I felt fine again. I finally felt confident I could resist whatever voodoo magic was going on inside me.

  When Gareth knocked on my door that night—he hadn’t since that first morning when I didn’t answer—I figured he’d overcome his embarrassment, too. We could go back to being friends. It was time to let him in. I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door, making sure to keep both eyes on the floor. To him it probably looked like I was still angry about what had happened.

  The proximity of being that close to him again hit me like a truck. Deep breaths, steady breaths.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said for the thousandth time. “Are you okay?”

  His voice rang in my ears, and when I finally looked at him, I gripped the door handle and my face flushed. I fought for control. As quickly as the beast rose up, threatening to take over and make me do unspeakably naughty things, I squashed it back down. Victory. For now.

  I gave a small smile and said, “I am.”

  I invited him in, and we spent the next hour talking about his work and what he had done while we’d avoided each other. Whenever he recounted what he’d done in a day it was always tough to pay attention since I already knew. It was even tougher not to call him out when he lied—about going to the gym, for example. (Really? Did he think I’d be impressed?) Alas, the life of a Shadow is a tough one …

  I asked him for more information about the seed. I regretted it as he rattled off some mumbo jumbo about nutrient enrichment, hybrid species, encapsulating, super seeds, blah, blah, blah. It was so beyond me he could have been speaking in binary code and I probably would have understood about the same amount. Good thing I could zone out. I was too busy taking solace in the fact that our relationship could go back to being normal, or as normal as it could be.

  The problem was, I was lying. To myself. And I knew it. I couldn’t keep my distance. Not anymore. But wouldn’t it be easier to protect someone from the dangers of the world by their side instead of thirty yards away? Not to mention, this idea of his was the type of discovery that landed someone on the must-be-protected-for-the-future-of-mankind list, so really, what damage had I done? None, the way I saw it. After swearing over and over we were good and that we could hang out like before, he left to go to bed. I watched him get ready and go to sleep as always before turning toward my computer.

  There was something I’d been avoiding lately.

  Gareth had asked if I’d told my boyfriend about what happened. I had lied and said yes and that he wasn’t happy. Don’t go to Austin for a while, I’d told him as a warning. But the truth was since the kiss, I hadn’t emailed Junie at all. Plus, how could I tell him about it, since that would mean admitting to breaking the rules and hanging out with my FIP? He didn’t even know about the mugging. I had kept him in the dark, pretending all was still boring as usual. I was terrified that if he found out, his reaction would only reinforce my deepest of fears; I’d really screwed up.

  The emails from him had piled up, unread and waiting. The subject lines getting bolder the longer I let them sit. The last one read simply: “You still alive?”

  He didn’t deserve to be ignored. This was all on me and yet I was punishing him for it. After all that had happened to us, all we’d been through, and everything he meant to me, this wasn’t fair. Every part of me wanted Junie. Every part but one. And that part wasn’t natural, wasn’t normal. This part needed Gareth, craved him in an unnatural way that wasn’t right no matter how amazing it felt. There was something manufactured, chemical, about it—and it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

  That was the difference. What I felt with Junie was real. What I felt with Gareth was not, and it made me feel dirty, used. And yet I still wanted it. It was that old saying about how being bad had never felt so good. It scared me, which is not easy to do when you don’t feel pain or fear death. I desperately wanted to reply to Junie’s last email, but how could I explain how I was feeling when I could hardly make sense of it myself?

  I decided continuing the lie was best. I told myself that if I ever saw him in person again, I’d come clean. It was a cop-out, I knew, since that would never happen. I could kill someone with an eraser, but I’m still a coward when it comes to feelings. Feelings suck. Why couldn’t they have taken those away from me too?

  Hey, sucker. Sorry, been crazy busy. My FIP has me hoofing it all over campus and I haven’t had much time to sit down. Oh, yeah, still alive and kickin’. Cold, dead hands ain’t writing this stuff. Oh, I think he’s got a girlfriend or something. Gonna be really weird if they hook up in his room. Think I have to watch that too? Ew. Anyway, gotta run. Nerd boy’s heading back to the lab. Dude’s got issues.

  Sent. I reread it after I sent it. It didn’t sound like me. Or, it did, but it sounded fake, like I was trying too hard to be upbeat and cool. It felt forced. Lying to Junie felt like I’d kicked myself in the gut. And making fun of Gareth wasn’t much better. I deserved every bit of misery I was feeling. This was my bed, and I would lie in it.

  CHAPTER 22

  COMETH THE MOMENT, COMETH THE (WO)MAN

  It was Tuesday, which meant pepperoni rolls were two for the price of one. Really makes you wonder what’s in the things if the company can still generate a profit selling them for a dollar each. Try not to think about it. But while Gareth and myself were not typical college kids, we did partake in this weekly ritual like everybody else.

  “Do you have any family?” Gareth asked with a mouthful of pizza. It caught me off guard. “You never really talk about the
m.”

  I swallowed and lied, “I grew up with my grandparents.”

  “Why? I mean, do you mind me asking?”

  I shook my head. I’d rehearsed this speech a long time ago. “My parents and brother died when I was ten in a car crash.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”

  I had always imagined this conversation ending at this point and hadn’t prepared for more questions, so I was surprised when he asked, “What was he like? Your brother?”

  Thinking about my brother, a kid I had fought, argued with, and hated for the bulk of my childhood, overwhelmed me and a tear rolled down my cheek.

  “I’m sorry,” Gareth said, “Forget about it.”

  I shook my head, “No, it’s okay. He was a blast,” I said truthfully. “He made me laugh all the time.”

  “I’m an only child. Always wanted a little brother or sister,” Gareth said. “Always seemed like it’d be fun.”

  “They are. But they suck too,” I said as I cleared my throat. I was back in control as I reminisced. “He gave me a spider in a box for my seventh birthday. I hated spiders, but he was only three and thought I’d like it since it was fuzzy.” It was one of my favorite memories of my brother.

  “You miss him, don’t you?” he said.

  I nodded. I missed them all.

  “Sorry I brought it up. Buzzkill,” he added.

  “No. Feels good to talk about it. Makes him feel closer, you know?”

  Gareth nodded, but then changed to shaking his head. “I don’t, actually. Everyone in my family’s still alive.” His voice softened. “I’m really sorry, Ren.”

  I’d kept my family locked up in a box in my heart, afraid of what might happen if I’d let them out long enough. Yeah, it was sad, but it was great to be able to talk about them. Gareth would listen for as long as I wanted to talk, I knew that. I could rely on him, as I’d relied on them “Appreciate them while you can,” I finished. “You never know what might happen.”

  After stuffing our faces for under $5 it was back to the lab for Gareth to work on a presentation for grant money, and back to the couch for me. Killing time while I waited for Gareth was usually difficult and boring, but recently I had found a series of books that (to my shocked surprise) hadn’t been made into a TV show or movie yet. It was about a girl who finds out she’s actually part leprechaun. The first book had kept me entertained for about a week, and I’d gotten the second book in the mail that morning—in which it was rumored she learned how to ride rainbows across water. For once, I was actually looking forward to some good couch time.

  But I barely got ten pages in before I was interrupted by a “What are you doing?”

  Gareth, bag in hand, was looking down at me. Usually he texts before he leaves the lab and I lie to say I’m done with whatever project I was lying about working on in the first place. Then I meet him. We had a system. He had messed with protocol. Not cool, dude.

  “What are you doing?” I asked right back. “I’m not the one saving the world here.”

  “I’m not good at presentations. I’m fried. Can’t think straight.” He raised his eyes as if asking me: And you?

  “I turned on the computer in the lab and stared at it for a few minutes. Figured I’d just read out here and wait for you instead of going home.”

  The idea that I chose to wait for him had the effect I’d hoped for. He was so tickled that any and all suspicion was forgotten. Again, thank God for the blindness of infatuation.

  Winter, or what they call winter in Texas, was now in full swing. I actually shivered as we walked back to our dorm. It felt great to wear a hoodie and jeans and not be sweating in them from the heat. About halfway home I thought about his comment and asked, “How’s the presentation?”

  “Not ready for the dean next week if that’s what you mean. It’s got to be good so he’ll help me get published so I can get a grant and do real work. Fingers crossed I’ll finish it tomorrow.”

  “Cool, yeah, crossed.” I said, more enjoying watching my breath fog than listening to him. I’d forgotten I could do that. “Anything I can help with?”

  “Kiss for good luck?” he said with a playful grin.

  Okay, that was funny. I gave him a loud, “Ha!” Then I shoved him into a bush for good measure. I put on a quick jog to put some distance between us. Laughing, he picked himself up, dusted off some leaves from his jacket, and jogged to catch up to me.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I had to. You set it up so nicely.”

  “Well played, sir. Oh, and the answer is no,” I added as I gave him another playful shove. For the next few minutes we walked in silence, or almost silence since Gareth kept quietly giggling to himself over his funny. His giggling in turn made me start giggling. It was a vicious cycle. Before we turned the corner for the homestretch back to the dorm I said, “Make you a deal. You win the Nobel Prize, we’ll put that kiss back on the table.”

  “Well, that should be easy,” he said with a sarcastic smile. “But I’ll take it.” We shook on it, making it official. The demon inside of me hoped he’d win it soon.

  “But for real. You want help with the presentation?” I asked.

  “I won’t say no, but it’s pretty sciencey.”

  “Well, you can handle all that stuff, I’ll make sure it all looks slick.”

  “Deal numero dos,” he said.

  Gareth and his roommate spent the night playing a new game while I hung out reading my book. After Gareth was in bed, I emailed Junie a boring update of the day. Since nothing had happened, it was easy to be honest this time. I even made the extra point of rubbing in the delicious pizza rolls since I knew he loved them. But I still felt guilty as I hit send because while I’d been honest, I’d still lied. If I didn’t come clean soon I’d explode, but I had no idea how to do it. Something had to give.

  Before I went to bed I had one more item of business to take care of. I called the update hotline number and left a message about Gareth’s upcoming meeting with the dean. I told them he would hopefully get published if it went well. If this really was what had made him so damn important, it would be good information to add to his file for the archives. Better documentation of what he did, how he did it, and when. I also figured, why not, right? I had some new information, and this was the information number. It was one part of my job I could get right

  GARETH AND I HAD agreed that we’d work on the presentation Saturday morning. But first, the rest of the week had to happen. Luckily, it flew by as everyone was preparing for finals or had end-of-semester projects due.

  Earlier in the month, I had convinced Lloyd that Gareth wasn’t my boyfriend (it wasn’t easy), and with that cleared up, Gareth and I had teamed up with him and another classmate for our own big lab project. With Lloyd, Gareth, and the other super nerd, I did very little. It was great. I might actually get an A on this thing without the assistance of my grade changers. Maw and Paw would be so proud of me.

  I’d insert some happy montage here, but there would be no point. The horrible feeling inside of me I had from lying to Junie was grotesquely large now. It kept me up most nights. What little dreams I’d been having weren’t helping either. I had one where I told Junie I had kissed a guy (played by Will Ferrell in my dream). Junie gave Will a high five and said, Me too! They then talked about what a horrible kisser I was while arguing over who would have to date me. Neither really wanted anything to do with me, so they went out for yogurt together and left me by myself. And in another, when I came clean to Junie, completely clean, he walked away and I never heard from him again.

  That dream sucked the most. It also had the best chance of coming true.

  CAMPUS ON AN EARLY Saturday morning was one of my favorite times. It feels like you have the place all to yourself. Combine that with the brisk winter air, and today it almost felt like home. Today was looking like it would be aces.

  Now, as we all know the mugging was the root cause of me being neck de
ep in the no-no’s of my profession. But as Gareth and I left our dorm together at around 7 A.M., I was actually thankful it had happened. No, not because I had gotten to stretch my legs and hurt people, although that part was nice. You see, I was thankful because I had become complacent here and it had served as a reminder that I could never let my guard down, ever. It was because of that day that I saw it.

  Across the street and down the block from our dorm was a plain brown delivery truck. Usually nothing to worry about, there are tons of them around campus all the time. But this was the fourth time in twenty-four hours I’d seen this exact one. I knew because it had a dent on the side that resembled the state of California. It had been parked outside our dorm yesterday morning, slowly cruised down the street by the cafeteria during lunch, and had idled in the loading zone of the Ag building next to the labs last night. Now it was here.

  The driver’s seat was empty, but exhaust curled up from the tailpipe. Someone was inside, watching us. I was certain of it.

  When we rounded the corner I made a show of having to tie the laces of my New Balances so that I could determine if the truck was following us. It wasn’t, but that meant nothing. I told Gareth I was cold and wrapped my arm around his. He assumed it was for warmth, on the off chance I was giving in to my love for him, so he didn’t fight it at all. The truth? It was so I could be as close as possible to him, ready for anything that might happen. An attacker would literally have to go through my body to get to him.

  For the briefest of moments I thought I was making it all up. Just being paranoid. I hoped I was. But when we reached the courtyard behind the Academic building I knew I wasn’t. It was eerily silent and empty. No birds singing the sun up. Nothing. Predators were here. The flutter of a coat out of the corner of my eye gave me a start, but when I turned to look I saw nobody. It would happen and it would happen soon.