The Test

by Robert Longley

  "Does this mean I get my life back and everything goes back to normal?"

  "Well, it's not quite that easy to put the shit back in the horse. We may have solved one problem, but we still have the government to contend with. They are missing a car and two agents. They also still have some information on you that they're likely to want to explore further. I'd be prepared for visitors in the next few days.”

  Chapter 20 - The Driving Test

  I'm on my way home and I called Kelly. "Hey, I finished with the meeting in the city. I think it went well. I’m hoping that part of the problem is taken care of.”

  "Good. Well, you've got one more problem you have to take care of today.”

  "What's that?"

  "Your daughter's driving test.”

  "Oh crap. I totally forgot about that. What time is it?"

  "Well, you've got about an hour and a half to get here and get to the house. I've got a patient this afternoon so I can't do it.”

  "That's all right. I will be there, and I'll see you soon. Wish me luck.”

  "Yep. Let me go. Bye.”

  I get to the train station. It's about a five-minute walk to the house. When I get there, my loving daughter greets me at the door.

  "Dad, there's a problem with the Prius.”

  "What do you mean there's a problem with the Prius.”

  I looked and noticed that the front tire was flat. Unfortunately for me, there wasn't enough time to change the tire to get her to the driving test. I wasn't in the mood anyway, so I was just about to suggest days to reschedule when Stephanie jumps in. "Well, we do have an alternative.” She pointed at the covered 1969 Camaro. I cringed. I can't believe I'm about to let my 16-year-old take a driving test in a vintage Camaro.

  I took off the cover. Stephanie got in grinning from ear to ear. She already had the keys in her hands so I suspect that she may have been responsible for the flat tire. Oh well – she got me. She had only driven it a couple of time (that I know of). Since it was a standard transmission, I was a little concerned. Most kids have no idea what to do with a shifter and an extra foot pedal. Michael tried it once and got out after he ground the gears.

  We made it out of the driveway and down the street before she stalled it.

  “Are you sure you don't want to postpone?”

  ”Dad I got this.”

  "OK"

  She started it again, popped the clutch and we were off. I was glad this thing had seat belts. I made sure she stayed well under the speed limit as we drove to the DMV and she did fine with the standard. We got there and checked in. The written test was first, so I got comfortable. I love my daughter, but this was the part that worried me.

  Thirty minutes later she comes up looking distraught. I felt bad but was a little relieved at the same time. Then the grin set in. “I passed!” My daughter will never make it as a poker player. "All right, now we need to wait for the driving portion of the test.” After about 20 minutes Mr. Schimmel (with a lisp) emerged with a clipboard in hand. He was an older gentleman, balding, glasses, white shirt, black tie, pocket protector, and a comb-over. You get the picture. He couldn't get any more stereotypical.

  "I will be conducting the driving portion of your driving test. Sir, you don't need to come along - just your daughter.”

  “I'm sorry, but I'm not letting her drive a vintage Camaro for a driving test without me in the car.”

  ”That's fine. Please be quiet throughout the test. I do not need a backseat driver.”

  “That's okay. I'll just try to take a nap.”

  ”That's fine sir.”

  So, we get in the car and things are going as you would expect for the first 10 minutes or so. And then my daughter says the words that just made me cringe.

  ”Dad, I think we're being followed.”

  Mr. Schimmel says, ”ten and two - both eyes on the road.” "You're not being followed."

  Another mile down the road. "Dad, the black SUV, two cars back has been following us for almost 10 minutes.” After about a quarter-mile another black SUV pulled out at the side street directly behind us. "Dad, there's two of them now.”

  Mr. Schimmel says, "you know, I think they are following us.”

  "Okay. No need to panic yet."

  The car that pulled out behind us started to move up closer and tailgate. The one that had previously been two cars back now moved up alongside.

  I said, "Mr. Schimmel, do you think we're being followed now?"

  "It sure looks that way.”

  "I said, is it okay if we try to lose them?"

  "I think that might be a good idea.”

  With the driving instructor's blessing, Stephanie hit it. I was actually a little proud of my daughter downshifted in my classic 69 Camaro and ramped it up to about 80.

  My phone rang. It was Henry. "It looks like you're having a little bit of trouble there.”

  "Are you monitoring everything?"

  "Not everything – just most things"

  "So, what do I do?"

  "Well, sooner or later you're going to have to talk to these guys and we've created enough of a paper trail that I don't think they have anything to go on. Take a right up here. We're going to make it look convincing at least.” "Steph, take a right up here.”

  We pulled off the highway and onto a side street. No more than 500 feet down the road was a black SUV parked crossing the road.

  "Henry, what am I supposed to do?"

  "Just act like you didn't know this was going to happen.”

  "It didn't know this was going to happen.”

  "Good. You'll crush it.”

  "Just what exactly am I supposed to do?"

  "They just want you. They don't care about your daughter. You both should be okay.”

  "Mr. Schimmel, if I get out here and you go back to the DMV with my daughter, will she get her license? And I will get you a clean pair of pants.”

  "We don't usually cover escape and evasion in the driving test, but I think she's good.”

  Stephanie cracked a smile. For a moment the thought of what might await me in the black SUV left her.

  "All right. Thanks.”

  "Steph – this will be ok. Tell mom what happened but don't tell anyone else. This is a national security matter."

  "OK, Dad."

  "Mr. Schimmel, can we keep this between us."

  "Sure - No one would believe it anyway."

  "Thanks. Welcome to my life"

  I stepped out of the car and walked over to the SUV. Thing 1 and thing 2 got out of the car.

  "I take it you guys want to meet?"

  “Yes, sir. Come with us.”

  "This is getting old. I want my daughter out of here."

  I waved to Stephanie like everything was fine and I opened the back door of the SUV. I could see that my new friends had guns but I was glad they were at least discreet, so my daughter didn't see them. She drove away and I got in.

  Chapter 21 - More Sunglasses

  As we pulled away, it finally registered with me that not once did my daughter cry or panic. She was a badass! This probably would have gone down differently if she hadn't let the air out of the tire on the Prius. It continues to amaze me how cause and effect play themselves out.

  I didn't always connect with Stephanie the way I would like. Weirdly, this was one of those bonding moments. Things were so much easier with her when she was 8 or 9. She played soccer, drew lots of pictures and thought squirrels were the coolest animal on the planet. Reality changed when she hit puberty. I was lost. I'm often reminded of one comedian's routine talking about his teenage daughter being at that awkward age between 13 and 35.

  I figured by this time, she should be posing for her DMV close-up and texting her friends. I imagine Mr. Schimmel is rummaging through his desk for that flask he keeps for certain occasions. I wonder what size pants I will need to get him.

  Swerving to miss a pothole jolted me back to reality. "My daughter drives better than you," I said. I couldn't resist
but it didn't even get a reaction. I think these guys had to turn in their personalities when they joined whatever agency they work for. I don't even think they knew why they were picking me up. They were the delivery men. It was obvious that they were told to bring me in unscathed. They didn't want me to disappear, they wanted something from me.

  My new sunglass-wearing friends didn't say too much during the ride. We ended up at a nondescript office building. We entered through the garage and pulled up in front of a freight elevator.

  "Let's go Mr. Tyler"

  As they opened my door, they each took positions around me like they would stop me if I tried to run. I just wanted this to be over with. I even pressed the elevator button myself. Sunglass man number 1 swiped a passkey and the doors shut. I noticed he didn't push a floor button. "What floor are we going to"? No answer. It occurred to me that they didn't try to take my cell phone, so this probably was not going to be too painful.

  When the doors opened, I was greeted with the minimalist décor I encountered when I first came back to the 20th century. Naturally, they escorted me to one of those white, smooth-walled rooms with no windows that I remember so well. The one gentleman says, "Have a seat" and then leaves. Then another gentleman comes in. "Hello. My Name is agent Smith.”

  "How many of you are there?" I asked.

  "Yes, about that. You wouldn't happen to know what happened to the other agents that visited you, Mr. Tyler?"

  "No, I have absolutely no idea.”

  "Tell us what you do know"

  "They came to my office. They talked about my DNA test and they left. That's pretty much the last I saw of them.”

  "We still have some more questions about your DNA test.”

  "I don't believe this is even supposed to be public information.”

  "Well, now it doesn't seem to be any information at all. How do you explain that? You go to a meeting with the company that did the test and then within 24 hours, their database backups fail and suddenly your profile looks normal. How do you explain that?"

  "So, what exactly do you think I did? Do you think I just walked in there, got access to their computers, loaded a virus, wiped out their backups and then changed my results somehow?" It was hard to do with a straight face. I probably should have won an Oscar for that part. The puzzled look on the agent's face was priceless. I kept going because I was on a roll.

  "Is that what you think happened?"

  "Something like that."

  "I didn't even finish college. I have problems using computers. What's wrong with you people? If you payed this close attention to me and you don't know this, I don't get it. And what kind of idiots start chasing a child taking a driving test? You put my daughter at risk. If you want to come after me, come face to face. But you put my kid at risk.” I saw the glimpse of a tear in his eye. Maybe.

  "Sorry about that. It seemed necessary at the time.” "What is so damn important that you have to keep doing this to me? You showed up at my office uninvited. You freaked out my secretary and now you scared the shit out of my daughter.” Well, not really but I had to push it.

  "We ran your picture through facial recognition. Do you want to know what we found?"

  "A picture of me with bigfoot?” I said.

  "Yeah. Funny. No, but close. Take a look at this.”

  "What am I looking at?"

  "This is a picture from the 1940s of the crew of the USS Eldridge and that looks like you in the corner. It was a 99% probability match."

  "Yeah, I've seen pictures of Nicholas Cage in a civil war uniform. There all sorts of fake shit on the Internet. They say that everyone has a doppelganger. Somebody that looks exactly like themselves somewhere on earth right now. What are the chances that somebody looked like me 50 years ago?"

  "Have you ever heard of the Philadelphia Experiment?"

  "Yeah, it was a movie with Kirk Douglas about a ship that went back in time.”

  "Well actually it's a legend about the USS Eldridge"

  "Okay. Yeah, I've heard that too. And I know it was debunked by a group of crew members who had reunion around 1980. All of them laughed off the idea that the ship vanished. I watch a lot of the History Channel. So, are you guys with the X files or something? I loved that show."

  "No" Agent Smith said.

  He wasn't doing much talking so I figured I would keep my speech going. "I try to lead a pretty normal life. I served in the military and got blown up. I came home and took over the family business. I help protect the environment. I drive a Prius. I have two wonderful kids and a beautiful wife who is a doctor."

  "We know"

  "And if there's one scratch on the Camaro, you guys are going to pay for it.”

  "Your car and your daughter both got home without an incident."

  "Good. Well, that's about as exciting as my life gets. I'm sorry! So how much longer are we going to play 20 questions, or do I need a lawyer?"

  "No, you don't need a lawyer"

  "Good. Because I don't know any"

  "Well you are safe, but you might want to try and help us ensure the safety of your family.”

  "Why should my family not be safe? I've been a soldier and I can do it again if I have to.”

  Smith closed the folder in front of him. "One more question before I let you go, and I have agent Jones drive you home.”

  "Oh, you've got more of those too.” I said.

  "Have you ever heard of Project Icarus?"

  "Nope. What's that?"

  "That'll be all. Thank you for your time. I'm sorry we scared your daughter. We'll be in touch.”

  "Why do you need to be in touch? I have nothing else to say.”

  "I think you do, but we'll leave it at that for today.”

  I hate these games, but at least they were reasonably polite about the whole thing. I left the office with the second agent Jones. What I thought it was going to be a nice ride home was a short ride to the nearest train station.

  "Really? You're going to dump me here?"

  "Have a nice day sir."

  I barely was out of the car when he sped away. I called Kelly. "Hey, it's me. Is Stephanie Okay"

  "Yes, she is fine. Just complaining about her hair in her DMV photo. She kind of told me about what happened."

  "I had another run-in with some agents from a three-letter government agency. They just dumped me at the train station, so I'll be home in about an hour.”

  "Good because we need to get an early start tomorrow for Michael's orientation."

  I hung up and thought CRAP, I wasn't ready for this. How did we manage to schedule a driving test and college orientation in the same week?

  Chapter 22 - Return to Princeton

  The next morning came too quickly. My son was already to have a look around and my daughter's like, "I'm going too.”

  "This isn't about you Steph!"

  "Yeah, but I've got to check out the party scene."

  "You're 16 years old.”

  "Yes, but I will be 17 by the time he gets there, and I want to know what the parties are going to be like."

  My son piped in, "I'm not going there to party. It's an elite school. I'm there to learn electrical engineering. I'm not going to have time to go to parties.”

  "Well, if you won't then I will when I come to visit you.”

  I don't know how I could have gotten two more different children. My, my son was always the studious one. Grades were everything to him since the time he was about seven years old and started playing with electronic parts in the office. He knew he wanted to be an electrical engineer and his grades have gone on to prove it. He was a national merit finalist and won all sorts of awards. He had a four-point something, but it didn't quite make the Valedictorian cut. Salutatorian would have to do.

  Still, he had done some interesting internship work and has a patent on a small electrical component that we use in the office. He gets a few royalties for that. It was kind of a unique thing for a high school student so Princeton thought he would be a
good fit. I always loved being there. I hadn't gone back since the forties, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Unlike my daughter who had some very specific expectations.

  I love my daughter to death, but since the time she was eight years old, I knew I was in trouble. My daughter is the type of daughter that fathers worry about. She's beautiful, cocky, and has an attitude. Then there's her mouth which completes the package. Normally I complain about her lead foot driving, but not this week. Yesterday I was grateful for it. She's also unpredictable and as a parent, I worry. Even though she's only 16, she dresses and looks like she's about 20. It's kind of a recipe for bad things. The last thing I want is her hanging out at college parties, but I know it's probably going to happen sooner or later. I've just got to get her to be a little bit more conservative with her wardrobe.

  We arrived at Princeton about 20 minutes before the tour was supposed to start. I tried to play off as if I'd never been there before. I knew my way around like the back of my hand. I didn't know who the president of Princeton was, but I sure did like this presidential scholarship my son was getting. It certainly put a large dent in the bill of the school. I don't remember it being nearly this expensive the last time I was here. I can only imagine what it would cost now if Albert Einstein was still here.

  They broke us up into groups by major and we took the tour. It was interesting when he got to the building where I used to work with Einstein. The building used to be kind of dark, dank and industrial looking. Now it was modern, high tech and very cool. I wasn't paying attention to the tour. Then I hear the tour guide say, "And this is the office where Albert Einstein spent his time at Princeton.”