#Help

by Rae Earl

  I told you. I know far too much about plants.

  “But just one thing, Millie.” Grandad looks almost stern. “I know that brain of yours. Full of ideas but full of worries too. Don’t give so much away of yourself that you’ve got nothing left. Don’t get into situations that put you in the firing line of idiots. You’re still only young. You may have an old head on those shoulders but it’s a sensitive head that needs watering, shelter and love. Keep away from the weeds. And remember, sometimes weeds have pretty flowers.”

  I give him a hug.

  “Now I suppose you’ll be wanting my shed again. Well, you can have it. I’ve got a serious appointment with some begonias out the front.”

  “Thanks, Grandad.”

  I love Grandad. I suppose getting trolled is as inevitable as getting your fingernails muddy when you do the gardening. You just have to toughen up and get a good liquid soap. Or something. You can’t wash bad thoughts away but you can park them in the furthest bit of the brain supermarket car park near the mind petrol station.

  I really need to get my head together before the next vlog or no one will actually know what on earth I’m talking about.

  #TROLLTAKEDOWN

  Lauren plods into the shed. Her eyes look a bit red. She must have been using her witch hazel wipes to redo her mascara. She squishes her face up, holds up her make-up bag and points at me. “Now. Do you want some foundation just to make you look a bit less like actual Death?”

  Before I have the chance to say anything, a brush is on my face.

  I very gently move Lauren’s hand away. “No. Let’s keep it natural and real and … us.”

  Lauren squeals. “Mills! I’ve just got a massive splinter from the shed.”

  Lauren shows me her finger. There is literally a tree sticking out of it.

  “Lauren! That looks terrible! Have you had a tetanus jab? It’s this disease that’s in plants and wood and stuff. It makes your whole body lock up. You can’t speak or anything!”

  It’s amazing how many things can kill you horribly. Even sweet things like blades of grass and daisies. And mushrooms. There is a type of mushroom that basically makes your liver explode. It’s called a death cap. There’s also a destroying angel. It sounds like something out of a horror film but it can grow in forests near your house. This is why I like living in a town. These are the sorts of things that I wish I didn’t know. My head goes a bit odd and my breathing feels…

  “So tetanus locks up your entire body? If only Erin would get it!” Lauren giggles.

  This is an evil thing to say but it stops my brain spiralling down in fungus doom.

  Lauren looks guilty. “Well, I don’t want her to die but it would be nice if she could shut up for a time. Though knowing her, if she got tetanus, her face would freeze in a massive beautiful grin and she’d take a selfie from the hospital and get a million likes.”

  This is probably true but I say to Lauren, “Let’s just get your splinter out.”

  “OH!” Lauren leaps in the air! “Shall we film it?! Shall we do like a first-aid advice thing? Medical procedures get loads of views and stuff and we – OUCH!”

  It’s out.

  Lauren looks really disappointed. “We really missed an opportunity there, Mills. Splinter vlogging could be massive. Do you want me to give myself another one so we can film it?”

  “No, Lozza! That’s crazy. Don’t hurt yourself! Let’s just do my vlog.”

  “Do you know what you’re going to say?”

  The truth is, I have a very good idea because I haven’t been thinking of a lot else.

  “Yeah. I’ve got a rough idea,” I mumble.

  The thing is, after talking with Bradley, I now know there are people waiting to hear what I’m going to say. They’ll get alerts when I post. Their phone will ding! Or beep! Or vibrate!

  I take a deep breath. Lauren gets out of shot and sticks her thumb up.

  “Hello! Millie Porter here! #Help Me Cope with Trolling.

  “I’m just going to read you some of the comments that have been left on my vlog recently.

  ‘Talentless ugly cow. Delete your account.’

  ‘Why bother???? Fat and not funny.’

  ‘Typical woman telling us how to act. Sort your own life out.’

  ‘Ugliest fake ever.’”

  (Reading them out again makes the sides of my eyes feel itchy. Got to keep bright. Got to keep sensible. I swallow.)

  “It’s really hard to read stuff like that but here’s what I try to remember. These people don’t know me. They’re just really sad, horrible people sat in their bedrooms or at bus stops with no friends. And they probably feel dreadful and useless about themselves. If they see someone doing something fun or interesting, they just want to hurt them and bring them down.

  “I’m not saying I think you should be nice to trolls. Just ignore them or imagine them standing in a shopping centre in their underpants. That’s what my mum does before big meetings and it makes even scary people totally silly. Focus on the good stuff or the nice comments instead.

  “We can all be tools. I’m not saying it’s right! I’m saying inner toolness can erupt like a volcano and spew spoon magma all over your … shirt. Like that project I did in primary school.

  “Anyway, SERIOUSLY, bullying is horrible and it makes your life a living misery. It could be names or slaps. It could be to your face or online or ALL of that. The point is, don’t take it. Tell someone IN POWER because you deserve to be feeling … good. No one should feel rubbish because of other people. I KNOW that sounds preachy and dorky but look, it is FACT. Just like it is a fact that you can’t lick your elbow. Look!”

  (And I try to lick my elbow.)

  “And I know you’re probably looking at me now thinking, she looks like a massive spoon with no make-up, but that just goes to show that looks can be – what’s the word? – a bit wrong and um … just … just … don’t think that you’re on your own. You are NOT.

  “So that’s me, Millie. #Help me to help you and leave any comments below. Unless you’re a troll. You can hashtag OFF!”

  It sounds good. I’m pleased. Then I hear an odd noise in the background. It’s my best friend and she is crying.

  I rush over to hug her. “Lauren. What’s the matter?”

  Lauren sniffs. “Oh, it’s just you talking about not letting other people bring you down. It makes me think of my mum and dad. I spoke to my mum, Mills, and she said I’m not allowed to stay, but you know, I honestly dread going home. What’s the point of me being there? It’s like when I had that piñata for my birthday and my mum started smashing it in a temper. There were Haribo gummy bears everywhere. I know that sounds sort of funny now but it wasn’t. The thing is, Mills—”

  At this precise, dreadful point to burst in, Aunty Teresa bursts in and says, “HELLO, GIRLS! Oh! Lauren, are you OK? It’s boys, isn’t it? Don’t worry, I get it. Boys do make you cry. The fact is, they don’t mature till they’re about twenty-three and honestly, they’re not worth crying about. Is it kissing? It’s difficult, isn’t it? The best thing to do is practise on your own hand. Just stick your tongue out and kind of—”

  “Teresa! We don’t need to hear this right now!” I yell.

  Teresa actually shuts up. For four seconds.

  “OK. I’m going, but if you want to know ANYTHING about boys, just come to me. I am your woman for any information about men and ice cream. They are very similar things. Nice but they melt under pressure. And you—”

  “TERESA!” I find myself properly yelling in a way that is slightly out of control and hurts my throat. Teresa just nods her head and dashes out of the shed.

  I look at Lauren. I don’t really know what to say.

  “Sorry!” Lauren sniffs. “It’s just … all very hard. Anyway, listen, I’d better get home. It will only make it worse if I’m late.”

  I give Lauren a hug and we go back inside. She grabs all her stuff from my room and says a slightly teary goodbye.

&nbs
p; I can’t imagine what it must be like going home to actual war. I know what it’s like going home to total neatness and now total chaos, but THAT. The only really horrid stuff in my life is trolling but at least that’s the outside world. It must be horrible if your family aren’t there for you. You need to look after the people you love.

  My mind feels so full at the moment. There’s the vlog and there’s Erin and Bradley and Danny and Lauren’s parents and Gary and the trolls and my head is spiralling a tiny bit…

  My chest feels like someone is sitting on it.

  That’s when I decide to call my mum.

  #MUM

  Mum answers the phone almost immediately. She’s on hands-free in the car and turns down her awful music.

  “Hello, darling,” she says. “What’s up?”

  What is up? Where to start? I can’t, so I just say, “I want to tell you I love you.”

  Mum pauses and says, “That’s good.”

  Then there’s a massive uncomfortable silence and I find myself blurting out, “Have you had a tetanus job lately, Mum?”

  Mum sounds puzzled. “Er … no. The advice has changed. You only have to… I’m not sure. We order the needles but I’m not a doctor, darling. If I ever start working with animals from abroad, I’ll have one.”

  Despite working in a hospital, Mum always gets tetanus mixed up with rabies.

  Mum starts to sound worried. “Millie, have you been reading about tropical diseases on Wikipedia again?”

  I can’t lie to my mum.

  “No… Well, a bit. Tetanus isn’t tropical though. It’s here.”

  “Hang on. I’m pulling over. What’s really the problem, Millie? What are you worried about? I know how your head works.”

  And she does know. She gets me better than anyone. I just can’t tell her right now.

  I don’t say a word and Mum says, “Come home whenever you want. You know you can. We miss you.”

  It’s like she’s psychic.

  “I know,” I say to her. “Anyway, you get on. I just love you.”

  “I love you too, Millie – and just before you go … if you ARE feeling worried about something, make a list of all the things that are on your mind. It really helps and you can work through them one by one. It’s the sensible thing to do. See you soon. Love you. Bye!”

  I flop back on my bed. The truth is, I’m worried about LOTS of things. And I KNOW some of them are silly and stupid but I can’t help myself. I’m doing an advice vlog, but inside I’m a mess.

  1. My best friend may be getting tetanus.

  2. My mum could possibly have tetanus too for all I know. She doesn’t understand things she should understand – like deadly diseases.

  3. I have made the worst enemy on earth in Erin…

  4. I have a massive crush on a boy who will never be mine.

  5. A boy who Erin really likes too and who really likes Erin.

  6. There are really bad people on the news doing really bad things.

  7. What if the bad people get hold of terrible mushrooms?

  8. OK, that one is ridiculous. Perhaps these lists do help.

  9. Am I hurting my mum by not being with her?

  10. Where is my dad?

  11. Will Aunty Teresa actually kill someone with her fusion food?

  12. Please let Aunty Teresa never put mushrooms in food.

  13. Sometimes I worry that terrible things are happening to the people I love and there’s NOTHING I can do about it.

  14. People are calling me ugly and it hurts.

  15. My vlog just makes me look like a massive dork.

  16. My vlog just makes me sound like a massive dork.

  At that point, I get a text.

  Millie. Had a great idea about your vlog. Promise not to cosplay too much. Want to meet?

  I hadn’t even replied to his last text. I add another point to the list.

  17. I STILL don’t know how I feel about Bradley.

  I upload the vlog. It’s 7.45 p.m. I will honestly, HONESTLY not check the vlog again till 7 a.m. tomorrow…

  #HEART

  I wake up at 4 a.m. on Sunday morning. This is just plain wrong. This time should not exist. I’ve had more views on the vlog than on the previous one. I give in and check the comments.

  I watched your vlog. It’s not as easy as that.

  You look fresh! I love your look! It makes a change from everyone else covered in lipstick.

  SPOON.

  Trolls aren’t all tragic. Some of us genuinely hate you.

  Perhaps I’ve taken on too much. I can’t really tackle stuff that I haven’t experienced myself, can I? I do just sound stupid and dorky. People have told me I’m a spoon and do you know what? They’re right. I better think hard about what I can vlog about next. Like Bradley says, I have to think about my brand.

  But then there’s one comment from DanTruds1290…

  Another great vlog.

  And a heart emoji.

  A HEART!!! THAT’S EPIC.

  And confusing.

  Does that mean he…?

  Danny and Bradley are in my head a lot. Like a massive swirling boy mess. My whole body feels like a whirlwind. I need to try and go back to sleep.

  #MILLSTHESPILLS

  I’m dreading school this week. I know full well that another vlog puts me right in the Erin bombing range and I don’t know how to respond to Danny’s heart. It might just be a friendly heart or it might be a big pulsating “LET’S BE TOGETHER” heart.

  No prizes for guessing which one Lauren thinks it is. When we are looking for a table in the canteen at lunch, I tell her about the heart.

  “He could just be being friendly,” Lauren says grumpily. This isn’t really the answer I wanted to hear. She’s been grumpy all morning.

  “You don’t know that for sure!” I say.

  “Oh, come on, Millie,” Lauren almost snaps at me. “You know Danny and Erin are spending LOADS of time together. Stop being greedy! Bradley is your man! He’s a major full-on nerd and you are pretty with a mega brain. You went on a date. Do the love maths.”

  The truth is, I think she may be right. He did look at me down his glasses the same way he looks at escalators. With love and respect. “But do I want to have a relationship with someone who spends all their time in lifts?”

  “Lifts are sexy!” Lauren says with her big wide eyes looking a bit annoyed. “In films, people always kiss in lifts because they’re private, aren’t they? You could even combine vlogs! #Help From an Escalator.”

  This makes me laugh LOTS. “Lauren … don’t be ridicu—”

  What happens next will go down in history.

  While I’m laughing, I seem to completely lose the ability to actually walk. My right leg decides it would like to break free of my body and make a dash for the other side of the room. I find myself flying through the air. In slow motion. I slam my hands down to break my fall but my tray and my food fly absolutely everywhere. I basically create a chip fountain. It’s probably spectacular to watch.

  The whole canteen erupts into clapping and cheering. This is normally what happens when someone drops their tray but it’s probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me EVER.

  Lovely Gracie runs over and starts helping me pick up the chips. Lauren picks me up. She gets falling over. “It’s hormonal,” she whispers. “We can’t help it. It causes an ankle and toe imbalance. Even without high heels. Remember when I did it? It’s a normal part of life.”

  From the corner of my eye, I see Danny staring at me.

  Way to go, Millie. There’s nothing like a good carpet of carbohydrate when you are trying to impress the man of your dreams.

  I also see Erin. The grin is wide and the phone is UP. She got all the aftermath.

  Also RUNNING towards me is Bradley with another plate of food. How did he get that so quickly? He must be sacrificing his own chips.

  “Here you are, Millie!” he says. “Saves you queuing again.”

&nbs
p; I know where that photo is going to end up too.

  Erin has double missiles now. “The Fall” and what she would term “The Dweeb Save”. She certainly doesn’t approve of someone like Bradley. He’s got the following but he’s not got any cool in her opinion.

  I brush myself down and slink into a chair as quickly as I can. Things get back to normal in the canteen quite quickly but in my head there’s a big, really bad music festival of Erin and people’s mouths yelling and laughing and staring and pointing and noise and…

  Breathe. I just have to take deep breaths and BREATHE.

  “Mills, are you all right now?”

  Lauren knows the answer to this question is “No” but she isn’t sure what to do about it. Her asking “Are you all right?” is kind of her saying, “Please be OK” and “I don’t know what to do to make you feel better.”

  I tell her I’m fine but my heart is racing and I feel dizzy and sick and like I might explode. Of course I’m not fine. What just happened is embarrassing in a terminal way.

  When he’s actually around, my dad still talks about things that happened to people at school, and he’s ancient. He can’t remember his credit card PIN number but he can tell you about the time Nicholas Clarkson’s swimming trunks floated to the top of the swimming pool before Nicholas Clarkson did. He was called “Nudey Nick” for SEVEN years after that. My dad still calls him it. To my dad he’ll always be “NUDEY NICK, NUDEY NICK, YOUR BARE BOTTOM MAKES US SICK.” They even made up a song for him.

  Now I’ll be Mills … MILLS THE SPILLS. It even rhymes! “Mills the Spills, Mills the Spills, with her dropped-chip-lunch coolness she kills.” I will be called this for ever. Even when I’m forty-three and living in…

  Breathe, Millie. Breathe. That’s what I have to say to myself.

  It’s at times like this that my mum rushes into my head and says, “Millie, you’re fine. You’re OK. You’re OK.” It’s like she’s chanting it. She’s done it in real life and she does it in my brain when I need her to.

  Eventually, I feel the feeling come back to my face a bit. My second lunch has gone very cold and I just push it away. I feel bad rejecting Bradley’s chips but I’ve lost my appetite completely. My mouth isn’t working but my eyes are. Erin has squeezed next to Danny and they are giggling. I know what will happen now…