Light the Lamp

by Catherine Gayle

  For Liam to have walked out of my room like that without even saying a word, for him to be in the shower and not where we could talk about it, I knew I had upset him. My chest ached, thinking about how badly I must have hurt him by shutting him out. Some people would think he had deserved it—an eye for an eye—but I wasn’t like that. I hated being the cause of Liam’s pain.

  Babs glanced up, his eyes traveling to the bag I’d just set outside my bedroom door. The corners of his mouth twitched. “I see he’s right.”

  “I have to leave,” I croaked out.

  “No, you don’t.” His voice had taken on that angry sort of tone he’d had yesterday morning, when he’d been arguing with Liam, and I blanched as a result of it. I wasn’t used to having someone upset with me, but Babs was definitely more than just a little bit annoyed. It seemed as though I was the ignition point behind his irritation. He finished adding grounds finally, having put in probably twice as much as he needed to make reasonably strong pot. “If you leave now, you’re just running away from something you don’t want to face. You can’t do that. You’re better than that. Kally deserves better than that.”

  I wasn’t sure what he thought I was running away from, but he was wrong. I wasn’t running from something; I was running to something. To a life where I could look at myself in the mirror and not feel like a parasite. “You don’t know—”

  “There are a hell of a lot of things I don’t know, Ellie.” He turned the coffeemaker on and tossed the measuring scoop into the sink with enough force that it clattered around for a minute before settling. “But I’ll tell you what I do know. I know you’re sleeping with Kally, and you both told me it’s about more than just fucking. I know you have to care about him an awful lot for that to be taking place because you’re not the kind of person who just sleeps with random people for the hell of it. Neither one of you are. I know you deserve to have a man like him in your life, and I know he’s a much happier person with you in his life. I don’t know and I don’t care what makes you think you need to walk away. He doesn’t want you to go. I don’t want you to go. I don’t think you want to go, but you’ve got some crazy idea in your head that’s telling you have to. But that’s wrong. You’d have to be stupid to walk out on him—on this—and you’re not a stupid person. You can’t leave.”

  “But I—”

  “No. Not today, at least.” Babs crossed into the living room and put his hands on my upper arms. He turned me around and nudged me back toward my bedroom. “Go shower and get dressed. You’re going out with Katie and Rach and Dee and the others, and you’re going to enjoy yourself. When that’s over, you and Kally can talk. I’ll make myself scarce, but you can’t leave like this.” As though to emphasize his point, he grabbed my bag and tossed it on the bed.

  Out of nowhere, I had a pounding headache. I put my thumb and forefinger over the bridge of my nose and squeezed.

  How had I gotten myself into this, and—perhaps more importantly—how on earth was I going to get myself out of it?

  I couldn’t figure out how he managed it, but that little speech from Babs was all it took to talk me into doing exactly what he wanted. It shouldn’t have been so easy, should it? But Babs seemed more than simply capable of getting people to do whatever he wanted them to do. He was one of those insanely magnetic people, the sort who could get anyone to do anything at all with little more than a dimple-heavy smile and a few words of encouragement.

  I made a mental note of Babs’s über-persuasive skills so I’d be more prepared to combat them next time. When he went back into the kitchen to finish dealing with the coffee, I headed into my bathroom so I could shower and get dressed. I took my time doing it, even spending some a few minutes unpacking the bag I’d just packed and hanging the clothes in the closet again, so that Babs and Liam could eat their breakfasts and leave for practice before I finished.

  The fact that I was hiding out in my bedroom definitely made me a chicken, but I didn’t have it in me to care. I just wasn’t ready to talk to Liam after what had happened between us last night and this morning. Not yet. He said he loved me, but he didn’t know how I needed to be loved. I didn’t know if what I felt for him could be called love, but whether it was or not, there needed to be something more to our relationship. I couldn’t spend my life with anyone unless we were on equal footing.

  Whatever was going on here, Liam and I were both hurting each other despite the fact that neither of us wanted that to be the case. I needed more time to think, and I hoped to do just that during my quiet morning alone and my afternoon at the spa with the girls.

  Last night, Rachel had said that she could cover my part of today’s extravagance if it was beyond what I had in savings. I knew I could pay her back once I’d worked an odd job or two, and I made sure she understood that was what would happen if I did borrow the money from her. She’d looked at me funny when I’d asked her about how much it would all cost, though. Probably because she’d assumed, like these women all did, that since I was living with Liam then I was his girlfriend and so he would pay for it. I didn’t want him to pay for me to be pampered like this. If he did, it would only add one more thing I was beholden to him for, and there were more than enough of that already. For some reason, the idea of owing Rachel was easier to swallow than the thought of adding to my growing debt to Liam. Probably because it was nothing more than financial with her, but with him, the monetary aspect was only scratching the surface.

  I was in the kitchen, fixing myself a bowl of cereal and heavily watering down my already cold cup of coffee, when the sound of a key in the lock startled me. Surely the guys couldn’t be coming back already. Not enough time had passed yet, not by a long shot. I didn’t expect them until lunchtime, and a late lunch at that. The clock on the microwave read 10:27.

  I wasn’t ready for this. I hadn’t figured out what I could possibly say to Liam. I spun around, the cereal box still clutched in my hands, to find Liam coming through the door. I swallowed, but there was a lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down. He met my eyes, his filled with a thousand different emotions at once, which only increased my anxiety.

  His arms were full of shopping bags. “Coach let me have the day off,” he said, setting a few of the bags on the dining room table. Once he’d freed a hand, he turned around to close the door behind him. “Personal time,” he added almost as an afterthought.

  If I had been able to speak, I might have asked him why he would need personal time today. I was glad I couldn’t form a word yet because it was none of my business, and the way he looked at me when I carried my breakfast over to the table rendered asking unnecessary, anyway. It had been about me, whatever it was that kept him from going to practice. He’d been too upset by what was happening between us to be able to do his job today.

  I felt like the roof was collapsing on us. No, not on us—on me. It was coming down on my shoulders, and I didn’t have the strength to shove it off or to scramble out from under it. I hadn’t felt like this since the day I’d gotten the call from our neighbors telling me that my parents had been killed, and I’d hoped to never feel that way again.

  Why was he affecting me so deeply? How could a man I’d known for such a short period of time hold such sway over my emotions? I didn’t understand it, but I couldn’t deny it. Liam had somehow touched the very core of me, and there was no possibility of refuting that I cared more for him than was prudent. I set my bowl and coffee mug down on the table and took a seat, the uncomfortable weight of his stare causing my legs to drop out from beneath me more abruptly than usual.

  Liam took a cell phone box out of one of the bags and opened it, removing all the disparate pieces and preparing the phone to charge. “I couldn’t get your phone to power on again, so I got you a new one and a life-proof case for it. Rain won’t hurt it now. You just have to be sure to keep it charged so you’ll have it if you need it.” His voice sounded lighter than I’d expected it would, given that he had been so upset he’d needed to take the da
y off.

  I took a sip of my coffee and grimaced, barely able to get it down. It was still too strong. “I wish you hadn’t bought me another phone. I can’t—”

  “I didn’t buy it to upset you, Noelle. I got it to help me not worry about you as much as I do. Because I can’t help it. I worry about you, and if you—”

  He swallowed hard, and my eye fell to his throat, drawing my focus to his Adam’s apple bobbing there. That was how my own throat felt, like there was a big knot in the middle of it that would move around but never really go away.

  He licked his lips. “If you leave, I’m only going to worry even more than I already do.” He removed the life-proof case from its packaging, settled it around the phone, and plugged in the charger. Then he looked at me again, so intensely and with such devotion that a series of shivers raced along my spine. “I want you to promise me something. Take this phone with you if you leave. Find a way to keep it charged. And take the rest of this, too,” he added, pushing the other bags he’d brought in across the table to me.

  I took a deep breath and set down my spoon before glancing inside. A duffel of some sort made of heavy plastic was at the top of the first bag, and another held what looked to be a high-quality rain coat.

  I didn’t need to see the rest to know it would be equally thoughtful, and would only serve to cause even more tears to sting the backs of my eyes. “I don’t know what to say,” I croaked.

  “Say you’ll take them with you, or tell me you love me, too, or promise me you won’t go. Tell me that I’m an ass because I can’t figure out how to give you what you need. Or don’t say a thing and just take this stuff so I won’t worry so much.”

  The corners of his lips turned down, and I wanted to kiss him. He reached over and let his hand rest on top of mine, the weight of it reminiscent of his body covering me last night. His fingers curled lightly over my wrist.

  “It doesn’t matter what you say, honestly, because there’s nothing you can say that will make me stop loving you or stop trying to take care of you. I’d buy you a house and a car if you’d let me. I’d buy you everything else you could possibly need, too, but I know you won’t allow it. I don’t know what else to do, Noelle, and it’s killing me because I love you, and the thought of you not having the most basic necessities, things that are easy for me to give you…” He trailed off, but it wasn’t difficult to fill in the blanks.

  “I don’t want to hurt you, Liam.” A tear spilled over, a hot streak blazing down my cheek. “I’ve never wanted to hurt you.”

  His other hand moved close to my face and then jerked away, as though he wanted to brush the tear away with the backs of his fingers. “I know you don’t. Don’t cry, älskling, please. I can’t handle that right now. It’ll rip my heart to shreds. I only want to see you laughing. Smiling. You make me feel alive when you do.”

  I tried to hold my tears back and gave him a smile. That much, at least, I could manage, even if he hadn’t sorted out what else I could give him.

  “I’m trying to give you what you need in the only way I know how, but I know it’s not enough.” This time, he did reach across to swipe the pad of his thumb over my cheek, tucking my hair behind my ear once he’d dried the stray tears from my skin. “You should eat.”

  “I told Babs I wouldn’t leave yet,” I said. I spooned some of the milk from my cereal bowl into my coffee to see if that would tone the bitterness down enough that I could drink it. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll stay, but I promised him I wouldn’t leave today.”

  “So you’re going to the spa?”

  I nodded.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. I was already shaking my head before he selected a credit card and slid it across the table to me. He scowled at my reaction. “As long as there’s any possibility you might leave, let me pay for things. I don’t know how much money you have, but I know it’s not enough. I don’t want you using any of it for something like this.”

  My gut churned, but I took the card from him with a nod. Right now didn’t seem like the best time to tell him I’d planned to borrow from Rachel.

  “All right. Thank you,” I mumbled. It didn’t feel anything close to all right. Maybe I should still go through with my initial plan. Using his card would make him feel better, but there was no denying it would make me feel far worse about the entire situation. I doubted I’d be able to enjoy any of my time today if I used it.

  “I know you don’t want to use it,” Liam said. He came around the table and kissed the top of my head. “I know you’re only doing it because I asked you to, and I know it’s hard for you. Thank you. Now eat.”

  I ate.

  When Rachel came across the hall to get me a little later, I went with her to meet the other women for lunch before going to the spa, even though I could hardly eat a bite at that point. I allowed the spa staff to give me a manicure, pedicure, and facial, just as it had been arranged, all the while putting on a false smile for the women who were trying to make me feel as if I was part of their group.

  I went in for my massage, and only in there, away from the eyes of the other women, did I allow myself to break down. I couldn’t help it, honestly. As the massage therapist worked the tension out of my body, it was like she worked the tears out, as well. She asked if I wanted her to stop at one point, but I begged her not to. I wanted to get it all out of my system while I was virtually alone, where no one I knew had to see my misery.

  One thing became undeniably clear to me while I lay there on the massage table with the therapist working her magic on my back, though: I loved Liam. If I didn’t love him, then there was no logical explanation for why the situation made me feel like I was being crushed under the weight of his world. I still didn’t know if it was the sort of love he claimed to feel for me, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that the longer I stayed, the deeper he worked his way into my heart, and the harder it would be for me to recover.

  For him, too.

  When we finished, I paid using Liam’s credit card even though it made me feel sick to my stomach.

  Never, not once in my life, had I hated myself before. Not until now.

  I was only making things worse for both of us by staying longer, but I was here at least for one more night. For tonight, I could set all my apprehensions aside. For tonight, I could dream about what it would be like if I could stay.

  Soupy and the kids had already left by the time Rachel and Noelle got back from their girls’ day. He’d wanted to get some flowers to surprise Rachel with since the team was heading out on the road again tomorrow. Once they had gone, Babs left, too. He wanted to meet up with Razor and RJ at some place in Old Town for pizza. That left me alone until Noelle came through the door.

  She gave me a bright smile when she did, but I couldn’t miss the redness in her eyes or the way the skin around them was swollen and puffy. She’d been crying again, and there was no hiding it. I wanted to kiss away her tears, to pull her onto my lap on the sofa and hold her, but that might only cause her to cry more. I didn’t know what to do, so I stood there waiting for her to give me some indication.

  She set her purse down on the kitchen counter and crossed over to me, coming into my arms, which was the only place I wanted her to be. I held her, wishing I could keep her just like this forever because then I would know she was safe and alive and loved.

  She didn’t start crying again, thank God. But she didn’t let me go too quickly, either.

  I slid a hand through her hair, letting the sweet scent of her shampoo tickle my nostrils. We stood there for easily ten minutes or more without either of us saying a word. I almost didn’t want to speak because it would break the mood and she might pull away from me. There was no way for me to know how many more times I would be able to hold her. “Did you have a good time with the girls?” I asked finally.

  “I would have rather been here with you.” Her voice was muffled against my chest.

  I would have preferred for h
er to have been here with me, too, but that was the selfish part of me talking. For her sake, I was glad she went to get pampered some. How much longer would I be able to make sure she got that sort of care?

  “Will you let me take you out for dinner?” I asked. We had to fly out tomorrow after our practice in the morning. I really only had tonight with her for the next five days. Or maybe longer than that. Maybe forever. I wanted to take advantage of every moment I could be in her company.

  As long as she would allow it.

  “Do we have to go out?” She stayed right where she was, our bodies pressed tight to each other, her arms holding me in place as much as mine were holding her. “I’d rather just stay here. I can cook for you.”

  “Is it because you don’t want to go out, or is it because you don’t want me to spend any more money on you?”

  “I’d just prefer to stay here. If it’s okay with you.”

  Anything was okay with me as long as she was involved. “Why don’t we cook together?”

  Noelle didn’t pull away from me, but I could feel the change in her demeanor. She relaxed into me, and it was as though a smile took over her entire body. “I’d like that.”

  She couldn’t possibly enjoy it as much as I would.

  I held her for a few more minutes, but eventually I forced myself to pull away and go into the kitchen. She followed me and started pulling food out of the refrigerator. There were a few steaks in there that she grabbed, plus fresh asparagus, portobello mushrooms, and the components of a salad. I took down a grill pan from over the stove and started heating it while she organized her ingredients.

  We didn’t talk much while we cooked. Every now and then, one of us would bump into the other. It wasn’t entirely accidental on either of our parts. She glanced up and grinned after backing into me at various points, and each time I put my hand down to her waist to help steady her, her eyes would flick up to meet mine with a bit of mischief sparkling in them. It was all I could do to focus on the steaks and not on pinning her against the counter to kiss her until she gave up on the idea of leaving.