N is for... (Checklist Book 14)

by L. DuBois

  Autumn swallowed hard. The blankets were often used as cushions so subs could comfortably kneel at their Master or Dom’s feet.

  She stared at the blanket, anxiety and something like regret churning in her stomach.

  Daniel plopped down to sit on the blanket. Autumn blinked at him.

  “How about you sit down?” Daniel gestured to the wide chair. “And then tell me who the fucker was who hurt you.”

  Chapter 8

  Daniel watched her hesitate, and hoped the rage he felt wasn’t showing on his face. He was pretty good about hiding his emotions when needed, but what Autumn had said back there behind the building had pushed him near his damned limit.

  Someone had hurt this woman. Someone had made her hate her own submissive needs. He knew, had known, women and girls who were taught not to value themselves. Who’d truly believed themselves to be less. Less worthy, less intelligent. Just…less.

  A person’s submission was a gift to be treasured. Any Dom, hell, any man in general, who didn’t understand that needed to be smacked.

  For a minute he thought she’d walk away, and he wouldn’t have blamed her. She probably felt emotionally raw.

  But eventually she took a seat. Perched on the edge, her knees pressed together, heels of her hands braced on either side of her hips, she was clearly ready to bolt. He handed her the blanket, which she awkwardly draped over her bare knees.

  Daniel made a show of stretching out one leg, hoping to make it apparent that he had every intention of sitting right where he was—it was the least dominant position he could think of. Literally sitting at her feet.

  “How about we start with this question,” Daniel said. “Did you kill the fucker?”

  That startled a laugh out of her, and Autumn relaxed a little, leaning back so she wasn’t perched as if prepared for flight.

  “No, though my friend offered to kneecap him. It wasn’t…he wasn’t abusive. Not in the way you’re imagining.”

  “And what do you think I’m imagining?” he asked.

  “That I asked a boyfriend to top me and he beat me instead.” She fiddled with the hem of the jacket. “It’s not quite that linear.”

  “Help me understand.”

  Autumn glanced at him from behind her lashes and Daniel’s gut tightened.

  “I’m still the asshole,” she warned. “And I’m a hypocrite.”

  “No, I don’t think you are. Do you think the other subs are stupid?”

  She raised a brow. “Of course not.”

  “And Pet. Do you hate her? Think she’s a worthless person.”

  “No, but I want to shake her. Beg her to stop letting herself be treated like a pet. To stand up and not be…”

  “Weak?” he asked, using her word.

  She nodded.

  “You want her to change her relationship with Master Carter. Want her to quit the 24/7 lifestyle.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s…because he’ll…” She stammered to a stop.

  “Autumn, would you look at me?” He’d been very careful to make that a request and not an order. When she did met his gaze, he held it for a moment before asking the next question. “Are you angry at Pet because of how she submits…or are you scared for her?”

  Autumn sucked in air. Her throat worked and then she bit her lip.

  Crap, she was about to cry. Daniel shifted, prepared to get up on his knees and hug her, but stopped himself. Every muscle in his body was tense with the need to comfort her. To protect her.

  He always felt at least a little protective of his sub partner. This feeling was something different—a magnitude more than what he’d felt for any other sub.

  She was attracted to him. He was attracted to her. Now it was out in the open—a blatant acknowledgement of a romantic attraction, in a place where romance took a back seat to kink.

  If they had met in that hypothetical bar he would have left with at the very least her number. At best, with her.

  Taken her back to his place for hot passionate sex, and then in the morning, instead of awkward weirdness, they would have ordered in brunch and talked, getting to know one another better before once more falling into bed.

  At some point he’d tell her his life story, and then later, when he told her about his sexual needs she’d put two and two together, figure out it equaled ‘fucked up’, and be gone from his life.

  Daniel forced himself to settle back on the blanket, then unclenched his jaw, not wanting to telegraph anger that she might think was directed at her.

  “You’re right. I’m…scared for her. I’m terrified for all of us.” She put one hand over her face, the other wrapped across her middle. “I hadn’t realized, until you asked, but you’re right. It’s fear.” Raising her head, she wiped away a tear with the sleeve of his coat, and let out a watery laugh. “I guess that’s what I get for not letting myself think about it.”

  “You’re not an asshole,” he murmured, aching with the need to hold her.

  Another tear fell, and she wiped it away again, then frowned at his sleeve. “I’ll have this cleaned for you.”

  “I don’t care about the jacket.”

  “It’s a nice jacket, and now it has concealer on it.”

  “I really don’t give a shit about the jacket. If you want to rub makeup all over it, be my guest.”

  “Please stop being so…” She waved a hand in the air. “Perfect.”

  “Perfect?”

  She eyed him, the sadness gone, replaced by some of the sass from earlier. “Don’t fish for compliments. I already admitted that I find you attractive enough that I was thinking about you as a date rather than a Dom. And then I fully freaked out because of it.” She pursed her lips. “And then I confessed my deep dark secret, and you helped me figure out it was a totally different kind of mental health issue than I thought.”

  Daniel chuckled. “You were right, you know.”

  “About what?”

  Right now Autumn needed a Dom, but not to stimulate her physically. She needed a Dom to protect and cherish her. To make her feel accepted and heard. It was one of the reasons people joined Las Palmas—to be among like-minded individuals, and to have a place where their desires were normal, rather than taboo.

  “You were right about what would have happened if we met at that bar.”

  Autumn’s shoulders tightened and she looked away.

  “We have chemistry. We have a similar sense of humor—I’m basing that on our conversations so far. So if we had met outside of here, things might have been different.” He let his voice deepen. “But this is where we are.” He gestured at the courtyard around them.

  “Except now you know how messed up my head is.” Autumn tried to make it a joke but there was real pain in her words.

  If she thought she was fucked up…

  Daniel got to his knees. She leaned forward, as if drawn to him, then pulled back.

  “What I know is that you’re hurting,” he said. “That your fear is making you cruel, not to others, but to yourself. You’re lying to yourself—”

  “I’m not lying to myself.”

  “Yes.” He used his Dom voice this time, deeply pleased when she jumped. “You’re telling yourself you’re ‘an asshole’ because of how you feel about submission, but you’re not. You’re hurting, and that’s a defense mechanism.”

  He braced his hands on either side of her. “You’re scared, and you don’t trust Dominants.”

  “Um, clearly I do. I got naked for you within hours of meeting you.” Her protest was weak, and she wouldn’t meet his eyes.

  “You’re lying to me, but I’ll allow it because you’re not doing it intentionally. The primary person you’re lying to is yourself.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t really know me. You can’t say—”

  He leaned in. Didn’t touch her, or say anything, just invaded her personal space. She stopped speaking with a click as her teeth snapped together. />
  “You might be willing to trust a Dom with your body, but you don’t really trust me, or any other top. Not enough to be honest.”

  “Trusting someone with my body is a damned big deal.” She’d raised her chin, looking down her nose at him.

  Daniel shifted closer, so his abdomen nearly brushed her knees. “But it’s not nearly as important as trusting someone with your emotional truth.”

  “My emotional truth?” She eyed him. “Are you a psychologist?”

  “No, just a man who has been in therapy for years.”

  “Well here’s my emotional truth. I don’t like that I need this, but I do need it. I enjoy it too, of course, as long as D/s stuff stays separate from romance.”

  “That’s part of it, but not all of it. It’s deeper than that, which is why you displaced some of your feelings onto others, onto submission and being submissive as a whole.”

  “It’s not that complex.”

  He studied her. “Isn’t it? Emotional truth is complicated, because people are complicated. Maybe the term ‘emotional truth’ is a little dramatic, or too technical, but it’s also accurate.”

  “Maybe, but this isn’t therapy.” She gestured around.

  “Aww come on, Autumn. You’re smarter than that.” He raised a brow and smiled a little to soften the words. “This place absolutely serves as a therapist’s office for some members. Maybe even most of them.”

  She snorted out a laugh and resettled her hands. Instead of keeping her arms tucked in at her sides, she placed her hands far enough apart that her pinkies brushed against his fingers.

  “I want you to submit to me.” His words were low, and rougher than he’d intended.

  Autumn stiffened, meet his gaze.

  “I want you to submit to me knowing that we’re attracted to one another. That if we’d met in the vanilla world we might have ended up dating.”

  Her jaw clenched and she looked away.

  “No, Autumn. Look at me.” He cupped her chin, forcing her to face him. “You’re going to submit, and I’m going to show you that knowing you’re a submissive doesn’t mean I don’t respect you. It doesn’t make me any less attracted to you. And if we were to meet in a bar, after this, knowing what I know, I might ask you out on a date.”

  She jerked back, as if he’d slapped her. That reaction made him want to reach back through time and find the man or men who’d done this to her and strangle them.

  “Why would you say that?” she whispered. “I can’t do it…”

  “You can. We could test the theory.”

  That snapped her out of the rising panic he could see on her face. “Theory?”

  “Your theory is that now that I know you’re a submissive, I won’t respect you, correct?”

  Autumn arched a brow. “Ah, but now that you know that I think that, you’ll pretend to respect me.”

  “Are you saying you wouldn’t be able to tell fake respect from real?” Daniel didn’t bother to hide his smile. The banter was fun.

  “Hmm, a valid point. I don’t think you’ll be that good a liar.” Her sassy smile faded. “I can feel it when someone…thinks less of me.”

  Damn it. He didn’t want her sad and scared. He wanted her sassy and naked.

  “Then we’ll proceed with our test. We play the game. You submit. And at the end, when you realize that I don’t respect you any less, that I don’t think you’re any less capable or attractive…you tell me the story.”

  “What story?”

  “The story of who hurt you.” He cupped her cheek and when she leaned into his touch his heart clenched, the need to protect her nearly overwhelming.

  “Daniel…I’m sorry I ran. I’m sorry I’m an emotional mess, but you don’t have to try and fix me.”

  “I’m not going to fix you, because you’re not broken. And even if you were, you’re the only one who could make those repairs.” He nudged her chin up, waiting until she was looking at him before he smiled. “All I’m going to do is…”

  She held her breath, her eyes wide with anticipation. He could say something moving and dramatic. Something amazing and heartfelt.

  But there had been enough emotional drama for the moment. She needed a break from talking, and it was his job, his privilege, to make sure she got what she needed.

  “…play with your nipples.”

  Autumn’s eyes widened, and she let out a peal of laughter that had several people looking their way and smiling.

  Daniel sat back on his heels, keeping his hands on the bench. He waited for Autumn’s laughter to fade to a smile.

  “Okay. I want…I want to scene. I want to do the checklist game with you. I can’t promise that I won’t…that I won’t panic.”

  Daniel gripped her legs, hooking two fingers behind her knees. “If you do, you tell me. One thing I will absolutely demand of you is communication. No more running away rather than talking.”

  “All right. I can—”

  Daniel tightened his grip and yanked her off the chair. She tumbled into his lap, her legs astride his thighs, her arms coming around his shoulders. Her head was still higher than his, but their faces were close enough that all he’d have to do to kiss her was tug her down a few inches.

  But a kiss was romantic and intimate. For Autumn, a kiss might once more bring up feelings that, at least for now, were better pushed to the side.

  All of which meant he couldn’t kiss her.

  At least not right now. But in that moment Daniel promised himself that he would kiss this woman. And not as part of a scene.

  He was going to kiss her like it was the climactic moment in a romantic movie.

  He was going to kiss her like it was their wedding day.

  He was going to kiss her because he knew that he could fall in love with this woman. It was insane, given that he’d known her for only a handful of hours, but that didn’t matter.

  And maybe it wasn’t a question of ‘could’ he fall for her, but when.

  “Autumn,” Daniel murmured, forcing his thoughts away from possibilities of if and when. “I want my jacket back.”

  Her wide eyes met his, and then, much to his dominant delight, she lowered her gaze. He felt her relax, her bodyweight settling on his thighs.

  She took one big breath, her chest and shoulders rising. On the exhale she shrugged out of the jacket, letting it fall away.

  Leaving her gloriously, submissively naked on his lap

  Have you lost your mind? Run. Tonight has already been dramatic and emotional and adding in a full D/s scene will only exacerbate that.

  Don’t you dare move. You are not going to leave without subbing for this delicious, perfect man.

  What are you doing? This is such a bad idea.

  Ask him to whip your tits and pussy.

  Autumn’s internal monologue was having an identity crisis.

  It was easy to imagine cartoon devil and angel versions of herself perched on each shoulder. The problem was she wasn’t sure whether it was the devil or angel who thought staying to sub for Daniel was a bad idea. On one hand, scening with him might go a long way to helping her deal with her feelings about her own submission, which was a positive thing, so that might mean the angel was pro-subbing to Daniel.

  On the other hand staying was a form of emotional, and probably physical, masochism. In that case it was the devil encouraging her to stay.

  Daniel had moved them to the chair, and now he leaned back, laying his arms along the back. It put space between them, and meant her breasts were at his eye level.

  Her nipples were hard and tight thanks to the new exposure to the cool air.

  “You have lovely breasts and nipples. The piercings are a nice accent.” Daniel’s voice had deepened with either arousal or dominance. His shoulder muscles were tense, his fingers curling into his palms.

  Her own tension ratcheted up to meet his and she watched those muscles, sure that any moment he would make a move. Touch her, grab her.

  His breath hisse
d between his teeth and she watched as he forced himself to relax. Damn it, that was hot. That self-restraint a sign of exactly how in control he was.

  “You’re scared,” Daniel said softly.

  That had Autumn sitting up a little straighter. “I’m not scared.”

  “You are. We just talked about it.” His brows rose as a smile touched his lips.

  “No, I’m scared for the other subs.”

  “And for yourself.”

  Right now, she was terrified. Terrified that in breaking her own rules, in scening with him, she would not just reopen old scars, but deepen the wounds.

  She could have said that, but she didn’t want to talk about her feelings anymore. She needed time to process on her own.

  The devil on her shoulder took control. She raised her chin, looking down her nose at him and smirked. “I’ve played with far more dangerous tops than you.”

  The smile faded but his brows stayed up. “And how do you know I’m not dangerous?”

  She wiggled on his lap. “Hopefully you’re the right amount of dangerous.”

  “Hopefully I’m dangerous enough that, by the time our weekend is over you will feel well-used and at peace with your submission.”

  She dropped her gaze to his chest, swallowing hard.

  He ducked his head a little to catch her gaze. “And then you’ll also see that I still respect you.”

  Not wanting to meet his eyes, she turned her head.

  “You’re going to give me everything you have. Submit every part of your body and soul to me.”

  Autumn’s breath hitched, and she was hyper aware of her breasts bobbing in time with her rapid breaths.

  “And when it’s over, you’ll see that I still think you’re brilliant and capable. I won’t think any less of you, Autumn. Being sexually submissive is courageous. The fact that someone made you think otherwise is a travesty.”

  “It’s not your job to fix my fucked up headspace,” Autumn said softly.

  “I’m not going to fix you, because you’re not broken.”

  “I am, a little.” She smiled wryly.

  “No,” he snapped in reprimand. “You’re wounded. Wounds heal, and there are ways to make them heal faster.”