Communications Crash Course
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The few people who recognize their need to improve their conversation skills and look for ways to identify patterns are often given prepackaged phrases to memorize and pull out for particular situations. This is a relatively ineffective way of improving one’s conversations because of the very nature of discourse. Communication can go in any direction!
Instead of using raw memorization of phrases, what if we looked at conversation in the form of theoretical frameworks?
To explain in a metaphorical sense, when you learned to add, did you memorize “1+1=2,” “2+1=3,” “3+1=4,” and so on? Of course not! If you had, your knowledge of arithmetic would be incredibly limited and the effort to memorize those equations would have eaten up all your time. Instead, you learned the number line and what direction to count depending on whether you were adding or subtracting, how the numbers related, and other frameworks that could be universally applied to any equation.
That is how this book is going to approach the subject of conversation.
I’m not here to give you a prescribed line to say to someone while you are waiting in line at the theatre to see the next Spiderman movie and another totally different line to say to that cute man or woman waiting behind you at Starbucks.
I’m here to help you figure out what to say to anyone anywhere.
Imagine that instead of worrying about what to say in a particular situation, you can recognize elements and start piecing them together on the fly. It makes the task of conversation much easier to grasp.
In this part of the book, I will introduce you to the elements of communication. In the next part we will explore simple frameworks that you can use in any conversation, no matter the topic. Finally, we will look at more in-depth examples of how these elements and frameworks are utilized.
First, we must address the distinction between communication and conversation.
According to Merriam–Webster, the definitions of the two are as follows:
Communication: A process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.
Conversation: Oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions, or ideas.
In short, the difference is that communication is the sharing of information by any means, whereas conversation is a discussion. I make this distinction for two reasons: one, I will be using both of these terms frequently in this book, and two, the SCFs that I will be providing in the second part of this book are designed specifically for verbal conversation.
Got it? Great!
Next, let’s look at the elements we will be covering in this part of the book.
Verbal and nonverbal communication – What we say and how we say it
Medium – The method we choose to communicate
Context – The context of the communication
Types of communication – The flow and objective of the conversation
The purpose of overviewing these elements is to give you a new way of thinking about how communication is formed. We will dig deep enough to give you a working knowledge of how these elements play with each other in communication in general so that when you reach Part II: Eleven Strategic Conversation Frameworks, you will be able to envision how each of the SCFs can be applied or limited by various conversations.
A few things I would like to disclose before we get into the nitty-gritty:
This is NOT a book written specifically on how to negotiate.
This is NOT a book written specifically on persuasion.
This is NOT a book written specifically for dating, public speaking, or any other type of conversation (which we will touch on later).
This IS a book that will give you baseline knowledge that will help you in each of these endeavors instead of focusing on a specific area. Think of this as a 101 course.
Excited? Then let’s get to it!
Chapter II: Nonverbal and Verbal Communication
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Nonverbal Communication
The first elements of conversation we will observe are nonverbal and verbal communication. Although the SCFs presented in Part II are designed for verbal communication specifically, nonverbal communication needs to be touched on. Without it, we may as well sound like Microsoft Sam, and that does not make for good communication!
With that said, let’s touch briefly on nonverbal communication. After all, it communicates more to those you are conversing with than your actual words do.
How can that be?
Think about how long humans and our ancestors have been on this earth. For hundreds of thousands of years, we relied solely on nonverbal communication that gradually became more sophisticated as our brains evolved (NTU).
Our first records of written language are from only around 5,000 years ago (Jackendoff).
We as a species managed to survive and thrive in the midst of the wrath of nature and join together because of the messages we could only grunt to each other. Through the coldest winters, hottest summers, natural disasters, and encounters with predators, we survived the vast majority of our existence with very primitive means of communicating.
That’s pretty cool if you ask me.
It also makes sense that nonverbal communication speaks volumes despite not making a sound! To understand it further, we need to think about how it serves one of four purposes in tandem with your verbal communications (Wertheim 3):
Complementing: Matching what you say on purpose
Suggesting: Not matching what you say on purpose
Contradicting: Not matching what you say by accident
Substituting: Nonverbal replaces verbal communication
Let’s dive deeper into each of these.
Complimenting: Matching What You Say on Purpose
Imagine that you are walking down the street and you hear your name being called. You turn around and it’s your best friend behind you—big smile, waving, and saying hello. How awesome—you ran into a friendly face!
Your friend’s nonverbal smiling and waving reinforced their verbal calling of your name and saying hello.
Suggesting: Not Matching What You Say on Purpose
We all know someone who is a great flirt. Chances are they are a master at suggestive nonverbal communication. Most of the time, they can flirt with someone in front of a whole group of people! You can sense it, and everybody knows it’s going on, but to put it into tangible terms is a bit difficult.
What they are saying seems innocent enough. After all, they are talking with that person while spending time with the rest of the group. But there is more going on . . . The eye contact? The way they talk? How do you put your finger on it?
Nine times out of ten, what the two flirters are saying to each other doesn’t stray too much from the group conversation. However, they suggest intimacy to one another through their nonverbal communication and build sexual tension. Purely intentional—and very slick!
Be it flirting, telling someone to do something nicely, or sarcasm, a suggestive nonverbal is extremely effective. This is because we can easily track what others are saying but have a hard time pinning down nonverbal communication, which creates a dissonance between what we hear and what we feel.
Contradicting: Not Matching What You Say by Accident
On the opposite side of complementary and suggestive nonverbal communication is contradicting. For the sake of example, let’s juxtapose the successful flirt we previously talked about with somebody not so successful.
Imagine a man seeing a beautiful woman at the grocery store. He musters his courage to go talk to her. As he approaches, he is riddled with anxiety. This makes every compliment he gives and every move he makes unnerving to the woman. If you were to read his words on paper, you would find them sweet. However, when paired with his contradicting nonverbal communication, shaky demeanor, lack of eye contact, and other nonverbal cues, the words he says come across as awkward to the woman.
Keep in mind that this is not the only plausible situation. This c
an happen to women, men, and anybody who is interested in somebody else or wants to communicate a message. If you are not aware of your nonverbal communication you risk detracting from your message!
Unlike suggestive communication, being unaware of or unable to control how our nonverbal cues are sending a different message than what we are saying is very off-putting to others.
Substituting: Nonverbal Replaces Verbal Communication
Finally, nonverbal communication also has the ability to communicate by itself, without the assistance of verbal cues.
Waving your hand means hello or goodbye. You can tell if somebody is angry or happy by their expression alone. These are basic examples of substituting nonverbal communication.
Now that we understand how nonverbal communication interacts with verbal communication, let’s look at the list of nonverbal communication methods and a brief description of each (Blatner):
Facial expressions – Self–explanatory. Are you smiling? Frowning? . . .
Posture – How you hold your body. Are you standing tall? Slouching? . . .
Gestures – How you move your body. Are you waving your arms? Walking the stage? . . .
Eye contact – How you maintain and/or break your gaze. Are you looking at someone? Looking away? . . .
Touch – How you make physical contact with someone. Are you patting them on the back? Brushing their hair? . . .
Space – How far you are from someone. Are you far away? Close? . . .
Pace – How fast or slow you talk. Are you zipping through your words? Pausing? . . .
Tone – How you say your words to infer a certain meaning. Are you sincere? Sarcastic? . . .
Props – How you use objects to communicate. Are you twirling a pencil out of boredom? . . .
Reaction – How you respond, voluntarily or involuntarily, to communication. Are you sweating? Is your heart thumping? . . .
Keep these in mind when you communicate with others. Although nonverbal communication is not the primary focus of the SCFs, being aware of and using it effectively will have an immensely positive effect on your conversations. I cannot highlight enough how important this is when it comes to being a successful communicator!
Now that we have a baseline knowledge of nonverbal communication, let’s look at verbal communication. However, if you want to dive more into the topic, click here for a free copy of my workbook, “Five Practice Tips That Will Bring Your Nonverbal Communications to the Next Level Without: Having to Talk to New People!”
Verbal Communication
The entire second part of this book is going to be focused on verbal communication. There are two modes of verbal communication: written and spoken. Fortunately, they are very closely related, which allows a book to be a phenomenal method of learning spoken communication—the written word is easily translatable into spoken language. Let’s take a look at a few ways these methods manifest themselves.
Written
Written communication is via any medium where the words are processed by sight. This includes mail, email, and texts, as well as other forms.
Spoken
Spoken communication is via any medium where the words are processed by sound. This includes face-to-face conversation, speeches, and even radio, to name a few.
Much like the elements of nonverbal communication, verbal communication has topics that drive the communication in various directions. Each topic has various characteristics that can lead into other topics.
When it comes to conversation, the success of the verbal aspect depends on the discovery and navigation of these topics. Again, this is what the entire second part of this book will be dedicated to uncovering!
Chapter III: Medium of Communication
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The next element to focus on is the medium we use to communicate. The message we convey is hugely affected by the medium we use. Think about this scenario:
Have you ever received a text and weren’t sure how to take the message? Perhaps you wanted to make plans for the weekend with a friend. You suggest going to see a movie and they text you “Sure.”
“Sure”? As in, sure, they would like to go? Or sure, they just want me to stop talking? Is it a good sure? A bad sure? What does “sure” mean?
Imagine that you have this interaction in person. You can pick up on their nonverbal cues and tell if they are genuinely interested. A “sure” with a nod would be a definite yes! A sure with an eye roll—probably not so much.
The medium of communication we use will either enhance or detract from our ability to use certain verbal or nonverbal techniques!
There is a reason that emojis have become so popular for texting: they act as a substitute for the nonverbal cues absent from this specific medium! Let’s briefly go back to the previous example. You are suggesting plans for the weekend to your friend via text and bring up going to the movies. You receive one of the following responses:
“Sure :)”
“Sure.”
“Sure –_–“
They signal very different reactions to the idea (positive, neutral, and negative, respectively).
Medium is something that should be considered when delivering your message and should be a factor in determining the words you choose to communicate. Unfortunately, this is largely overlooked and leads to numerous instances of miscommunication. To combat this, let’s take a look at the various types of mediums used to communicate and how they can affect your communication.
First, we need to understand that a medium is divided into two areas: in–person and remote.
In–person
Speaking face to face—simple!
Pros:
· You can communicate a variety of emotions and messages by combining verbal and nonverbal communication elements on the spot.
· Deep connections and lasting relationships are best made this way.
Cons:
· Your messaging in most types of communication must be on the spot and therefore has a steeper learning curve.
Remote
Communicating to somebody through one or many channels. This can be via email, an assistant, texting, or watching somebody on television, just to name a few. Remote communication can also be combined in a chain; for example, you receive a message from your boss via an email sent by their assistant. That chain would look like this:
1. The in–person interaction between your boss and his or her assistant.
2. The email sent from the assistant to you.
Pros:
· You can take the time to carefully craft your message.
· You can create repeatable templates to communicate in case you need to speak to masses of people.
Cons:
· Connections are more difficult to make.
· Messages can be subject to interpretation due to lack of nonverbal cues.
· Messages are subject to degrees of separation.
Note: Degrees of Separation
Degrees of separation are the number of channels a message has to traverse. In general, the more degrees of separation there are, the greater the chance a message has of being misinterpreted and the less chance a message has of being personal, effective, or inspirational. In short:
The more degrees of separation a message must travel, the more it loses its potency!
This is the exact reason why the in-person medium is so effective—there are zero degrees of separation!
Receiving a “happy birthday” email from someone does not have nearly as much impact as being wished “happy birthday” in person—and can you imagine if they had their assistant email you a card?
It is for this reason that I had a rule when I did freelance artwork: I must never be more than two degrees of separation from my client. Any more than that and the message would get lost and nothing would get done properly!
It is worth repeating, so keep this little rule in mind when you communicate, as it will affect how you need to craft your message:
The m
ore degrees of separation a message must travel, the more it loses its potency!
Chapter IV: Context
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Like medium, context is an element of communication that is often overlooked. Think about this scenario:
You are at a business networking event. People are dressed up, talking to each other, and looking for compliments of their skill sets and connections to help each other out. While you’re talking with a group of people, it becomes noticeable that one of the attendees is using this networking event to meet some potential dates. The general mood of the event becomes a little awkward because the “flirter” is hitting on people very distastefully.
Using a business networking event to test your pickup skills is generally considered poor judgment. However, the key word here is “generally.”
I’m not saying that networking events have never led to successful dates, nor am I saying that a date on Tinder has never led to meeting a guy who knows a guy who can get you a job. I simply want to bring up some questions worth analyzing:
1. Why are you more likely to land a job at a networking event and meet a date on Tinder?
2. Why is it possible to find the love of your life at a networking event and land a job through a contact you met on Tinder?
3. Since it’s possible, why is it that you risk making people feel on edge when you try to find love while networking or get a job through a romantic contact?