Communications Crash Course
Page 5
Man – You’re a Steelers fan? I’ve rooted for them my entire life! (SCF6.1)
You – Yeah, I’m a Steelers fan! Have you ever been to a game? (SCF6.2)
Commentary and Tips
SCF6.1. They recognize that you like the Steelers and mention their interest.
SCF6.2. You switch the topic from football in general to the Steelers specifically because your partner expressed interest in that particular topic.
Challenge
Easy – Find a topic to amplify in a conversation with a friend or family member.
Medium – Find a topic to amplify in a conversation with a stranger.
Hard – Find two topics to amplify in a conversation with a stranger.
Topics: Muting
SCF VII
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Imagine that you are in the midst of a conversation and it takes a turn for the worst. You are still talking about a topic that you and the other person clearly have polar-opposite views on, and this is not the most tactful time for debate. It’s not that you want to stay on this topic.
It’s just that you have NOTHING else to say!
Naturally you continue talking about that topic for no reason other than to keep the conversation going in the desperate hope that it will turn around. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, you will just isolate yourself from the other person even more.
I’ll be frank—I used to do this all the time.
Be it talking about a recent death in the family, discussing opposing opinions, or divulging my favorite sports team to the wrong crowd, I had a bad habit of not knowing how to switch topics in a tasteful way. SCF VII – Topics: Muting excels at this objective because of its combination of empathy and smooth transition to a new topic via other SCF techniques.
As important as it is to establish a connection with another person, it is equally important not to destroy one.
The unfortunate fact of the matter is that when jumping from topic to topic, the risk of landing on a sore subject is high. Instead of trying to avoid tough conversations by holding back on potentially worthwhile topics, learn to put out the fires if they ever come up!
SCF VII –Topics: Muting allows us to preserve the connection we have while fearlessly exploring new territory for conversational topics.
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Description
This is the opposite of amplification. Muting is switching topics when a conversation is highlighting the differences between you and the other person.
Benefits
Just as we like being around those who are similar to us, we tend to be more reserved around people who are not like us or whom we associate with negative feelings.
When to Use
Whenever a conversation is moving toward disagreement or getting too somber too fast.
How to Use
Once you sense a topic is a topic of opposition, use SCF IV — Topics: Storing and Referring and SCF V — Topics: Nodes to change topics smoothly to a new topic. Here is an effective formula for doing so:
Empathy statement –> New topic transition –> New topic
Sample Script
You – Your cat sounds adorable! Speaking of pets, you should meet my dog. He goes crazy over frozen bananas. (SCF7.1)
Woman – Yeah . . . I’m sure he’s nice but I’m a bit scared of dogs. I was attacked when I was really little. (SCF7.2)
You – I can’t even imagine what that was like! Actually, when I was really little, I was more of a cat person. I had a cat named Allison that I was really close to. She was a bit chubby. That was partly my doing. (SCF7.3)
Commentary and Tips
SCF7.1. You take the topic of pets and use it as an opportunity to dig deeper into a more personal conversation, specifically about your dog.
SCF7.2. Unfortunately, your partner had a traumatizing experience with dogs in their youth.
SCF7.3. You offer empathy—“I can’t even imagine what that was like”—and, using the amplification of “really little,” transition back into a topic, cats, that your partner was passionate about. You then offer a statement about your cat to solidify the transition.
Tip: Disagreement can often drive a conversation. Tension and debate will help you establish yourself as a strong person from the perspective of your conversation partner. However, these should be reserved for only a few instances:
A. Values, morals, and ethics – Agreeing in a way that violates your values, morals, or ethics will cause you to be perceived as a pushover. While an open mind is important, be sure to think before blindly throwing these traits of yours away for the sake of approval from another person. Most likely you will earn no respect from them.
B. Knowing when to disagree to drive a conversation forward generally takes a little more intuition if it is not in the realm of debate. My rule of thumb: try to find at least two topics to amplify before muting a topic.
C. Weighing the likely outcomes of muting certain topics versus speaking about them on the fly is an acquired skill that comes naturally with practice. With that said, if you feel tension in choosing which option to go with, ask yourself, first, if the relationship with the person is more or less valuable than the conversation. Then decide whether the relationship with the person can withstand the level of disagreement you will be getting into if you choose to pursue the topic.
Challenge
Easy – During a conversation with a friend or family member, mute a topic when the conversation turns toward a disagreement.
Medium – Find a topic to mute in a conversation with a stranger.
Hard – Mute a conversational taboo (politics, religion, belief-based topics) with a conversational partner. This is a great challenge for Thanksgiving! (I’m kidding—or am I?)
Topics: Weaving
SCF VIII
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“So . . . how about this weather?”
Small talk. This is what I despised most when I disliked conversation. Even if I knew how to introduce myself or make an observation to start a conversation, I was always afraid of the dreaded small talk that was soon to follow.
However, after the discovery of various other SCFs such as SCF I – Real Curiosity and SCFs IV through VII – Topics, I began piecing together a framework that would help me dig deeper and have more meaningful conversations with friends and strangers alike.
As a matter of fact, I soon began to enjoy small talk because it was no longer the beginning and awkward final destination of a conversation. In fact, it was quite the opposite.
Small talk was merely a gateway to learning more deeply about a person.
SCF VIII – Topics: Weaving was what allowed me to navigate into deeper topics with my conversation partners. Pairing it with an understanding of the depth stages of a conversation, I could begin targeting what topics to speak about to drill quickly into an individual’s most personal beliefs!
Once you can navigate topics successfully, weave them together with a targeted objective of conversing more deeply to truly learn the most from your conversational partner.
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Description
Chaining topics together to dig deeper into more substantial and private topics.
Benefits
Learn about a person on a much deeper level.
When to Use
As much as you can, given your partner’s comfort level.
How to Use
Chain topics together to drive conversation to deeper levels. The levels of conversation, from the most superficial to the most private, are small talk, fact disclosure, viewpoints and opinions, and personal feelings (Toastmasters International).
Sample Script
*Sitting on the bench at a park*
You – Gorgeous day! How are you doing today? (SCF8.1)
Woman – I’m well. The flowers are finally starting to bloom, so that’s nice. (SCF8.2)
You – What kind of flowers are your favorite?
Woman – Well, I actually don’t know. I’
m not really that big into them. I just think they’re pretty. (SCF8.3)
You – Me too. Sometimes it’s just nice to appreciate things as they come. What do you think?
Woman – Yeah, it’s too stressful to try to be an expert on everything! I like just taking things at face value. Does that seem shallow? *laughs* (SCF8.4)
You – Not at all! I feel the same way. Seems like we agree that there’s a lot of pressure to be perfect at everything—but that’s no way to enjoy life.
Woman – Right. I run into that problem so much with my coworkers and it just blows my mind how people go through life being so uptight about perfecting everything! (SCF8.5)
Commentary and Tips
SCF8.1. Simple small talk about the day.
SCF8.2. She states a fact—that the flowers are blooming.
SCF8.3. After you look for an opinion on flowers, she shares her opinion that she just likes things that are pretty.
SCF8.4. Now she is expressing a personal belief about a general value of hers—that sometimes it’s nice to just take things at face value.
SCF8.5. Since you validated her values, she divulges more information about them; e.g., that people she works with violate her beliefs through their actions and they seem miserable.
Challenge
Easy – Get to level 2 in a conversation with a stranger.
Medium – Get to level 3 in a conversation with a stranger.
Hard – Get to level 4 in a conversation with a stranger.
Plural Asks
SCF IX
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Strap in because I am about to make an ice cream reference.
Imagine walking into an ice cream shop and going up to the big freezer with all the flavors. As you look inside you see there is only one flavor, vanilla. No strawberry, no chocolate, no pistachio. Just plain old vanilla.
What flavor would you order?
Yep. Plain old vanilla. (No hate from me, by the way. I love vanilla!)
How in the world does this tie into conversation? Let me explain.
I found that in my conversations, whenever I asked a question, I would prompt others to give me a single-word response. If I asked somebody what their favorite kind of music was, I would get answers like “rock,” “rap,” “country,” etc.
Could I work off these answers in my conversation? Absolutely. However, I was cutting down the chances of finding a topic the two of us could really connect on. How I was asking my questions suggested to them that I was looking for a simple answer.
I was prompting people to give me vanilla and only vanilla. I wanted more topics—more “flavors”—to choose from.
Fortunately, the solution was astonishingly simple!
When I realized that the magic of SCF III – Keep it Open was that people responded in a way that was harmonious with what certain words demanded, I figured out that a similar tactic could be used to produce an array of responses instead of just one. Hence, SCF IX – Plural Asks was born.
Remember how in SCF III – Keep it Open I explained that people find it awkward to respond “yes” or “no” to open-ended questions due to the interrogatives used? SCF IX – Plural Asks works in a similar fashion. Instead of using the singular form of a word, replace it with a plural.
“What is your favorite kind of music?” –> “What are your favorite kinds of music?”
“Where did you go on vacation?” –> “Where have you been your favorite vacations?”
“What flavor of ice cream do you prefer?” –> “What flavors of ice cream do you prefer?” (Mint chocolate chip, if you’re curious.)
A simple but powerful tool, SCF IX – Plural Asks will give you more topics to talk about without your having to think too much on how to receive those answers.
Use this SCF and enjoy all the flavors of conversation.
Description
Ask your question in plurals to prompt an array of responses.
Benefits
Singular asks tend to get singular responses, which provide limited topics. Plural asks prompt people to give various answers, which provide more conversational topics.
When to Use
Anytime you need to ask a question specifically for obtaining topics.
How to Use
Make the topic or subject of your question a plural.
Instead of, “What is your favorite restaurant?” which prompts a response like “Chipotle,”
ask “What are your favorite restaurants?” which prompts a response like “Chipotle, Qdoba, or Moe’s” or a broader topic like “Mexican fast food.”
Sample Script
You – I’m free next Thursday if you want to get together. What kind of places would you like to go to?
Friend – The new bar on 13th and Main would be cool to check out but I’m also down with our spot on 4th and Broad. (SCF9.1)
Commentary and Tips
SCF9.1. By asking questions in the plural, we will get an array of responses that we can follow up on.
Challenge
Easy – Use one time with a friend or family member.
Medium – Use one time with a stranger.
Hard – Use two times with a stranger.
Tridenting
SCF X
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“Where do you want to eat?”
“I don’t know.”
Yep, we have all had this conversation. To be honest, before I learned how to be a better conversationalist I often resorted to this answer. It was comfortable and safe and didn’t require me to risk saying something “stupid.” It was my conversational trump card.
However, as I began to develop my ability to interact with other people, I found this answer incredibly frustrating to deal with. “I don’t know” had no substance to build on and would often stop me dead in my tracks when talking to people. In order to address this common sticking point, I had to look back in time to a point when I had to rely on this little phrase.
Why was it, back when I was shy, that I thought “I don’t know” was a shiny gem to pull out in any interaction I had with others? Simple. As I said before, it was comfortable and safe and didn’t require me to risk saying something “stupid.”
More often than not, when I resorted to saying “I don’t know,” it was out of fear!
SCF X – Tridenting empathizes with this fear your conversation partner may have by explicitly giving them topics. I generally provide three (which is why I call it “tridenting”) to give plenty of options, but the number of topics you decide to offer is up to you, as long as it is at least two.
After incorporating this into my day-to-day conversation, I found it is the most useful tool when dealing with indecisiveness. It takes the fear and risk away from your conversational partners and gives them an easy way to respond to you.
Use this SCF and you will be able to hold conversations with chatterboxes and shy guys alike!
Description
Offering multiple responses (usually three) to your conversation partner if they are reluctant to answer.
Benefits
You can get information from someone who is indecisive or having a hard time holding a conversation.
When to Use
When speaking to somebody who remains relatively silent or answers with phrases like “I don’t know.”
How to Use
After asking a question and receiving no response, provide a few sample answers to draw out a response.
Sample Script
You – What do you want to do today?
Friend – I don’t know.
You – Want to go to the park? The movies? To a restaurant? (SCF10.1)
Friend – I’m not sure.
You – We can do something laid back or outdoors. (SCF10.2)
Friend – I think I’d like to do something more laid back.
Commentary and Tips
SCF10.1. In response to “I don’t know,” you give three options: the park, the movies, and a restaurant.
SCF10.2. This still did not work, so you gave your friend two broader options—something laid back or something outdoors—to which they replied.
Tip: Repeat this as necessary, as seen in the example above.
Challenge
Easy – Use this with a friend to decide where to eat or what to do.
Medium – Use this with multiple friends to get their decision on where to eat or what to do.
Hard – Use this with a stranger to get their decision on something.
Exit Strategy
SCF XI
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In addition to learning how to talk to people who are reserved, it is equally as important to learn how to get out of a conversation with people who will talk your ear off.
Don’t get me wrong, I love conversations with just about anybody. Unfortunately, sometimes duty calls. A plane won’t wait for you, a meeting will start without you, and time doesn’t stop and wait to hear what happens next.
However, many of us, myself included, fear being rude or disruptive when we have to leave a conversation prematurely. This consideration for others takes a toll on our time and duties and can be just plain frustrating. I came to understand that if I wanted my time back . . .
. . . I had to figure out a way to remove myself from certain conversations in a way that was considerate of other people.
SCF XI – Exit Strategy addresses this concern by preparing ways to exit a conversation without giving offense. In addition, it assertively enforces your need for your time, leaving the risk of inconsiderateness in the court of your conversational partner.
If you need to drop out of a discussion to speak with that guy who can connect you to your dream job, get to a meeting on time, or simply have your day back for yourself, SCF XI – Exit Strategy is going to be a great asset to you.
As important as it is to carry on a conversation, knowing how to end it will preserve your reputation and spare the feelings of those with whom you are speaking.