Craving Trix

by Nicole Jacquelyn

“Just tryin’ to talk to Trix,” Cam said softly to his mom. “Just need to talk some shit out.”

  “Why’s she standin’ behind you, baby?” Farrah questioned, her voice coming closer.

  “Just holdin’ her, Ma,” Cam sighed.

  “You okay, Trix?” Farrah called.

  I couldn’t answer her. My entire body had begun to shake, and within seconds, my teeth were chattering. I felt like my chest was caving in as I began to tilt to the side.

  “Trix?” Cam’s voice was alarmed as he spun toward me. He lifted me up as I raised my hands to my throat.

  I was suffocating. I couldn’t breathe.

  “Cody, get me a paper bag,” Farrah snapped, striding toward us.

  Cam sat on the edge of the bed, settling me in his lap as his hands ran all over me.

  “Are you hurt?” he asked frantically, testing my arms and legs and belly. “Where are you hurt?”

  “Cameron, stop it.” Farrah’s voice made Cam freeze. “Trix, honey, I think you’re having a panic attack.”

  I wheezed and scratched at my throat.

  “It’s okay, I promise. Deep breaths, come on. Take a deep breath for me.”

  My eyes searched the room frantically until they landed on my pop. Almost instantly, I pulled a huge gulp of air into my lungs.

  “That’s it,” Farrah said soothingly. “Now, let it out slowly.”

  I kept my eyes on my pop, who was less than four feet away, and took another deep breath. Then I met his eyes, my heart in a thousand pieces.

  “Fuck this shit,” Pop mumbled, moving forward quickly.

  “Don’t,” Cam growled threateningly, his arms tightening around my body.

  “The fuck do you think you are?” Pop said incredulously, coming to a halt. “I’ll fuckin’ end you.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Farrah hissed, reaching up to pull my hands from my throat. “The testosterone in here is so thick I can taste it—and it tastes like shit.”

  “Got a bag, Ladybug,” Casper announced as he ran back into the room.

  “Good, give it to Dragon. Trix is breathin’ again, think he’s the one who’s gonna need it.”

  “Bitch—” Pop started to say.

  “Don’t go there, brother,” Casper warned.

  The skin on my arms prickled as I curled my body tighter into a ball on Cam’s lap. I wanted everyone to go away. My mind was spinning.

  “Cam, I don’t think Trix is up for a chat tonight,” Farrah said softly, turning her back on Casper and my pop as if she couldn’t even be concerned with them. “Why don’t you wait until the morning? Clear heads and all that.”

  “She stays with me,” Cam ground out, his head tilting down to rub his hair roughened cheek over the top of my head.

  “Okay, baby. But I think she needs some sleep, bud. She looks like she’s ready to fall over.”

  “I got her.”

  “I know you do. I know. But you need to lay her down so she can sleep.” Farrah’s eyes met mine as she rubbed her thumbs over the backs of my hands. “She’s growin’ a baby. Pregnant women need their sleep.” She gave me a small smile.

  “She don’t sleep,” Cam whispered, his voice strangled. “She just lays there, tossin’ and turnin,’ and when she falls asleep, she screams.”

  Farrah’s eyes drifted shut, and she swallowed hard.

  “Well, maybe if you lay with her she can get some rest, huh?” Farrah finally said, opening her tear-soaked eyes. “Keep the monsters at bay for a night.”

  “I’m tryin’.” I couldn’t see if Cam was crying, but it sounded like it. I knew whatever he’d been drinking had probably brought his emotions to the surface, but I couldn’t help him. I couldn’t even help myself.

  I wanted to reach up and pull him against me, to kiss his face and tell him that we’d be okay—but I couldn’t. It didn’t feel like anything would ever be okay again.

  “Keep trying, baby,” Farrah said softly.

  Cam nodded against my head, then scooted back on the bed. I glanced at my pop and Casper as we moved, but both were frozen.

  I let Cam move me so my body was between him and the wall, then shut my eyes as he curled his body around me.

  “There you go,” Farrah said softly, pulling a blanket up over our shoulders. “Get some rest.”

  The room went quiet for a moment before shuffling footsteps moved toward the door, and the light shining through my eyelids went dark. Then the door closed softly.

  “I love you,” Cam whispered against my ear as my heart thundered in my chest. “I love you so much. You gotta let me help you, Sweetbea. Please.”

  His breath hitched once, then twice, and within seconds, he began to snore. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling.

  I’d trusted Cam for so long, it had become second nature to me. We were a team. Soul mates. I’d never imagined being with anyone but him, never envisioned a life that didn’t include him as my man.

  So, I couldn’t understand why I had this block—this feeling of apprehension and fear at the thought of settling down with him and a baby. Was it immaturity? I didn’t think so. It went so much deeper than that.

  I didn’t want to be my mother.

  What if, after a few more months, we’d decided that we didn’t work as a couple? Without the baby, it would have been hard to leave him, but I could’ve. I could’ve stepped away and made a different plan, found a different man. Maybe.

  But now? He’d never let me leave.

  “You’re not going anywhere,” the voice in my memory hissed.

  It wouldn’t matter how bad our life got. If I stayed, I’d be stuck.

  I could never imagine Cam abusing me the way my stepdad abused my mom. Never in a million years. But my mom hadn’t anticipated it, either.

  She’d married a man that was so clean cut he was squeaky. He had money, dressed well and asked her to marry him, even though she was already pregnant with someone else’s babies. He’d seemed perfect on paper.

  A lot like Cam seemed perfect for me—except Cam wasn’t clean cut. He was rough. He lived outside the law. Rules and regulations didn’t mean anything to him, and while that didn’t bother me one single bit normally… it made the threat so much more significant.

  I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t take the risk. When I’d gone to him about the baby, terrified out of my mind, he’d looked at me like he hated me.

  God, I could still see the disgust on his face. Why hadn’t he seen how badly I was falling apart? And now, he acted like none of that had even happened—like it was all erased because of the things we’d gone through since that day.

  The attack was so much bigger than my meltdown about the baby—I knew that. I knew that our problems were insignificant when I compared them to losing four people in one day. My worries about having a baby before I began my career seemed silly when I remembered the day of the attack, watching as, one by one, my family fell.

  But that didn’t mean that I’d forgotten the way Cam had looked at me.

  What would have happened if we hadn’t had to deal with something so devastating? Would he still be treating me like dirt beneath his boots? Would he still be looking at me like I was a monster? How could I live with him, knowing that at any point, he could just completely shut himself away from me?

  He’d looked at me like my mom’s husband had looked at her—like she was nothing. Like I was nothing.

  It was better if I got out before that could happen—before he could look at me like that again. I didn’t think I’d be able to live if, down the road, I did something to make him angry and he pulled away like that again.

  I inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of Cam’s deodorant and the smell of grease that he seemed to always carry around. I loved him so much.

  But hours later, as the sun started coming through the small window high on the wall, I gently pulled myself out of his arms and got dressed, packing a few items into a small bag and throwing it over my shoulder.

&
nbsp; Then I left him.

  I didn’t stop moving until I’d made my way to my parents’ house and opened the front door without knocking.

  “You okay?” Pop asked me as he came down the short hallway in nothing but a pair of ratty jeans.

  “I don’t want to go back,” I replied, dropping my bag to the floor. “Please. I want to stay here.”

  Pop searched my face for almost a full minute before he nodded. “Your ma’s in bed. Go climb in with her and get some sleep. I’ll take care of it.”

  My entire body sagged in both relief and sadness.

  My relationship with Cam was over.

  Chapter 21

  Cameron

  When I woke up, my mouth tasted like something had crawled in there and died. I smacked my lips, trying to make my mouth water a little, and reached across the bed for Trix.

  The spot beside me was empty.

  Fuck.

  I rolled into a sitting position and clutched my head. Goddamn. Whiskey always gave me the shittiest hangovers. Unfortunately, it didn’t affect my memory, so I recalled in vivid detail the shit that went down the night before.

  I was such a dumbass.

  I’d wanted to wait until after all of the funeral shit to talk to Trix, but after I’d finished off a fifth of Jack and she’d come into the room, all my plans had gone to shit.

  I climbed to my feet and swayed a little. I needed a shower and a cup of coffee—then I’d figure out what I was going to do about Trix.

  * * *

  “How you feeling?” Farrah called out jokingly from across the main room of the clubhouse as I poured myself a cup of coffee a while later. My head hurt like hell, so I just flipped her off instead of responding.

  “You guys get some decent sleep last night?” she asked as she and Casper moved toward me.

  The people visiting the club had mostly cleared out while I was still in bed, and things were quiet as we sat down on a couple of couches. I could hear people starting up their bikes outside, but there wasn’t anyone I wanted to say goodbye to, so I didn’t even attempt to see who was still hanging around.

  “Yeah, I crashed. Trix was gone when I woke up, though—not sure if she slept.”

  “Shit,” Farrah sighed. “I swear to God, history repeats itself.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked, taking a small sip of my scalding coffee. Damn, that shit was good. One of the women must have made it.

  “Don’t you remember when I had a panic attack in Cody’s room? God, I thought he was going to kill Slider.”

  “Would have,” Casper mumbled, wrapping his arm around my mom’s shoulders. “But you were so out of it, I couldn’t put ya down.”

  “That’s right,” I murmured, remembering that fucked up night when I was a kid. “I thought you were dead.”

  Casper made a disgusted noise in his throat, but Farrah just laughed.

  “Sorry.” I gave Casper an apologetic look.

  “Has Trix had panic attacks before?” Farrah asked, settling farther into Casper’s side.

  “Not that I know of. She’s been actin’ fuckin’ weird for weeks, though.”

  “Hmm.” Farrah met my eyes. “What started it?”

  I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut again. I didn’t like the idea of airing our dirty laundry in front of my parents. They loved me—and if they had to choose, they’d always choose my side. But that was the problem. I didn’t want them to think badly of Trix, even when I was pissed at her.

  “When she found out she was pregnant,” I finally said, leaving it at that.

  “She wasn’t happy about it?” Casper asked.

  “No.” I swallowed hard, then took another sip of my coffee to stall. “She wanted an abortion.”

  Farrah’s eyes grew wide and Casper scoffed in disbelief.

  “What the fuck?” Farrah screeched.

  “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “She was seriously fucked up about it. Don’t know what was goin’ on in her head.”

  “Jesus,” Casper murmured.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “Calm down, Ladybug,” Casper snapped. “He doesn’t need your shit.”

  Farrah scowled at Casper, but took a deep breath and relaxed back into his body.

  “She already said she wouldn’t do it,” I told them, shaking my head. “I think she might’ve been figuring her shit out, but then those fuckers showed up at the house and she’s ten times worse now.”

  “You think she’d have an abortion?” Farrah asked quietly.

  “No.” My hand tightened painfully on my coffee mug. “No, she wouldn’t.”

  “You sure?” Casper pushed.

  “Yeah, I’m fuckin’ sure,” I snapped back, just the thought of it riling me up.

  Casper raised his hands in surrender and I sighed.

  “She told me last night she doesn’t want me near her,” I ground out, looking at my mom for some reassurance. “I don’t know what the fuck to do. I’ve tried everythin.’ She won’t talk to me.”

  “You keep tryin’.” Casper said, surprising me. “She’s worth it, you keep pushin’.”

  “That worked real well last night,” I laughed, scratching at the short beard that was growing in on my cheeks.

  “You were drunk,” Farrah said flatly. “I thought Dragon was going to kill you.”

  “Shit.” I groaned. I’d conveniently forgotten about that part.

  “Wasn’t his place to step in,” Casper cut in. “But can’t say I wouldn’t do the same with CeeCee or Lil.”

  I nodded. “How’s Lil doing?”

  “Better,” Casper said with a nod. “A little better. She’s with Cec at home so we could come here and check on you.”

  “Hell, you didn’t have to do that.”

  “Yes, we did,” Farrah argued. “You’re our boy and you’ve had a rough time of it.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not,” Farrah said resolutely. “But you’ll figure it out, bud. Nothing lasts forever—even bad times.”

  I nodded, accepting her words. “Have they said when they think Lil will get her eyesight back?” I asked softly.

  We hadn’t really talked about the chance of Lily regaining her sight. It could happen, and I think all of us were waiting for it to get better—but there were no guarantees. We hoped for the best, but in the meantime, we’d have to just accept her blindness as fact.

  Lily was blind, and there was nothing we could do about it. No surgery that could reverse the damage, no drug that could fix her.

  “We’re going to start taking her to a psychologist next week,” Farrah answered. “Hopefully, that will help her.”

  “It might not,” Casper murmured. He raised his eyes to mine. “Might be that this is her life from now on. Gotta be prepared for that.”

  “Fuck,” I hissed.

  “Coulda been a fuck of a lot worse, Cam.” Casper shook his head. “We coulda lost her. Eyesight is nothin’ compared to that.”

  Farrah sniffed, but that was the only indication that she was feeling emotional. My adopted mother was tough, but she felt things just as deeply as everyone else, maybe even deeper. She’d never show that emotion at the club, though.

  “You guys heard anything from Grease?” I asked, changing the subject. It wasn’t any easier to talk about Casper’s sister, Callie, but at least we wouldn’t be thinking about what would have happened if Vera and Gram hadn’t protected Lily with their bodies.

  “Yeah, Callie’s up and around now,” Casper said with a nod. “They’re not letting her out yet, but they’ve got her out of bed and walking.”

  “Damn, isn’t that really soon?”

  “Nah, they make you get up pretty quick these days,” Farrah replied. “The quicker you’re on your feet, the better you heal, I think.”

  “I need to get back up there.” I’d barely been up to see Callie. With everything going on with Trix and then the funerals, I hadn’t made the time.

  “She’d lik
e that,” Casper said with a nod. “We’d better get going, Ladybug. Don’t want Lil home too long without us.”

  We climbed to our feet, and I finished off my coffee before hugging Farrah goodbye.

  “Cecilia doin’ okay?” I asked, as I walked my parents outside.

  “Yeah, she’s okay,” Casper answered. “Can you believe that shit with Woody? I think she’s been talking to him on the phone since he went back to Salem with his mom.”

  “I didn’t even know that they’d been talking before,” Farrah said in irritation. “That girl is giving me gray hair.”

  “You don’t have any gray hair,” Casper scoffed, coming to a stop next to his bike.

  “You brought the bike?” I asked in surprise, glancing at Farrah.

  “Yeah, not too much longer before I’ll be too big to ride. Gotta get our time in now,” she joked.

  “Can’t believe you’re havin’ another baby,” I said softly, wrapping my arm around her narrow shoulders.

  “Me, either,” Casper said ruefully, making Farrah smack him with the back of her hand. “Havin’ a baby the same month as our son—fuckin’ Jerry Springer around here.”

  I bust out laughing, and fuck, it felt good.

  “You’re such a dick,” Farrah snapped, laying a hand on her belly.

  “Aw, Ladybug.” Casper grabbed Farrah’s hips and pulled her toward him. “You know I’m excited as hell.”

  He leaned down to kiss her and I turned my head away. They’d always been really affectionate, which was cool, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see my dad sticking his tongue in my mom’s mouth.

  “We’ll see you later,” Casper called, pulling my attention back as he climbed on his bike and reached out to help Farrah on behind him. “Come to dinner.”

  As they backed out of their spot, Farrah blew me a kiss, so I waved back in response. When I was a kid, she used to do the same damn thing when she dropped me off at school, and she wouldn’t let me leave without acknowledging the kiss somehow. One year, she’d made me fucking “catch it” every day or she’d climb out of the car and start singing at the top of her lungs.

  She was such a pain in the ass. I smiled at the memory. I guess that was what happened when your adopted parents were only like thirteen years older than you were—they were still young enough to feel the need to embarrass the hell out of you for fun.