Craving Trix

by Nicole Jacquelyn

  “Holy shit!” he blurted, looking up at me and then back down at the photo that was labeled with little arrows pointing to both babies.

  “I know, right?” I laughed, my voice a little hoarse. “There’s two in there.”

  “Holy shit, sissy.” He lifted his eyes again and looked at me seriously. “But everything’s good, right?”

  “Yep. Everything’s fine.”

  “Congratulations.” Leo’s face pulled up in a crooked smile, and even though my heart hurt to see it, I smiled back. His face wasn’t completely paralyzed on the left side, but there was definitely some nerve damage, and the doctors didn’t think it would ever get better. His smile would always be slightly uneven.

  “Thanks, Bubby,” I said as he pulled me into a hug. “Don’t say anything yet, okay? I need to tell Cam first.”

  “All right. I won’t.”

  He squeezed me tight before pulling away and heading toward the clubhouse.

  “You’re going to get huge, fast,” my mom called from the front porch where she was waiting for me. “We should probably go shopping soon.”

  I laughed happily and glanced down at the pictures in my hand. I was having two babies. Holy shit.

  * * *

  “You going over there?” my mom asked quietly as we sat in lawn chairs in her backyard. The clubhouse was loud with music and laughter and I couldn’t help but glance that way every few minutes.

  “I told him I wanted an abortion,” I replied softly, keeping my eyes on the gray building as I rested a hand on my belly, rubbing my thumb back and forth across my thin t-shirt. “When I found out I was pregnant, I freaked out and I told Cam I wanted an abortion.”

  “Oh, Trix,” my mom sighed.

  “I don’t think I meant it,” I continued, leaning my head back against my chair. “I was just so freaked out. Cam and I had just gotten together and I was graduating, but I didn’t have job yet—I was terrified.”

  “I’m sorry, honey.”

  “I just—I needed him to reassure me, but then when he did, it only made me angry. So I lashed out. I was so overwhelmed.”

  “Is that when you started having problems?” Mom asked softly.

  “Yeah. I told him that I wouldn’t do it, and he was so relieved.” My voice hitched as I thought about that day. “But he was still so angry with me. It was like he couldn’t see how badly it was tearing me apart.”

  “Baby girl, I’m going to tell you something that I wish a woman had told me when I was young.” Mom reached out and grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. “When it comes to men—the right men—they are just as ferocious in the protection of their children as women. We always hear about mama bears, and the way a mother would fight for her kids—but we rarely hear the same for fathers. When it comes to you kids, there is nothing your father wouldn’t do to protect you—and that’s a blessing. I wouldn’t love him the way I do if that wasn’t the case.”

  “Yeah,” I sighed.

  “But there’s a catch with that,” she said softly, rubbing her fingers over mine. “What if the person threatening his child is its mother? What then?”

  “I just needed—”

  “I know what you needed, Bellatrix,” Mom cut me off. “But you need to see it from his point of view. You were threatening to have an abortion. You’re lucky he ever spoke to you again.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” I spat, my neck heating. “It’s my decision—”

  “Bellatrix Colleen, what would you have done if you went to Cam telling him you were pregnant, and he told you he wanted you to get an abortion?”

  My mouth snapped shut as my stomach rolled.

  What would I have done? I imagined telling Cam and him not wanting the baby. I thought of the moment I told him I wanted to get rid of it and imagined if he would have agreed with me.

  Vomit shot up the back of my throat and I swallowed convulsively, trying to keep it down.

  I would have hated him. I would have walked away and never looked back.

  “Cam’s lost everything before, Trix,” my mom said quietly.

  “What?” The word came out as a croak.

  “He lost his entire family when you two were kids, every single person. Casper and Farrah did a good job with him, they love him like their own and he loves them, too—but these babies are the only blood tie that Cam has, the family that he’s always wanted… and you threatened to take that from him.”

  Her words hit me like a sledgehammer.

  “Oh, God,” I whimpered, leaning forward to brace my elbows on my knees. “Oh, God. I was so scared, Mom. I knew that he’d never let me do it—that’s why I said it. I knew that he’d talk me out of it.” I turned my head to look at my mom’s shadowed face. “What if he never forgives me?”

  “He will,” she replied softly.

  “I’ve been so horrible to him.” My eyes watered and tears fell down my face into the short grass. “I felt so guilty, for so many things. I hated the way he’d looked at me, so I focused on that. I focused on how hurt I was that he’d been angry with me.”

  “Your hormones are seriously messed up right now, Trix.”

  “That doesn’t excuse it,” I sobbed, pulling my hand from hers so I could cover my face. “God, I didn’t want to be stuck with him. I wanted to be with him more than anything else, but I didn’t want to be trapped there.”

  “You’re not making a whole lot of sense, baby.”

  “I know!” I spat hysterically, surging to my feet as I pushed my hair away from my face. “Why am I so messed up? The nightmares just keep coming, and during the day, I’m afraid of my own fucking shadow! I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of all of it.”

  “So fix it,” my mom said, climbing to her feet.

  “I don’t know how!”

  “You could start with Cameron. Once that’s taken care of, we’ll do yoga or get you an appointment with that shrink.”

  “But what if—”

  “Don’t start with the what-ifs again, Trix.”

  I nodded, looking toward the clubhouse again. She was right. I couldn’t deal in what-ifs anymore. I had two babies that needed me to get my shit together.

  * * *

  I didn’t dress up to go to the party, but I did fix my hair and put on some makeup. It felt foreign on my face, thick and annoying, but I knew if I didn’t try and cover up the evidence of my tears, people would ask questions. I hoped that they would mostly ignore me when I got there, but I wasn’t counting on it.

  I’d barely spoken to anyone since the attack, so they’d kept their distance, but if I walked into a party, they’d automatically assume I was there to visit.

  I walked quickly through the tall grass, clutching my envelope of ultrasound photographs in my hand. I couldn’t wait to show Cam our babies, even though my stomach was in one giant knot about the looming confrontation.

  Would he ignore me? What if—no. No what-ifs. I needed to see him. He deserved that after the way I’d behaved. He deserved me going to him.

  I waved at the brothers and their old ladies sitting at the picnic tables outside, and averted my eyes quickly from someone nailing a woman against the wall near the garage bays. I didn’t need to see that shit, especially if it was one of the men I’d viewed as an indulgent uncle growing up.

  I caught my pop’s eyes as I entered the rowdy clubhouse, and his eyebrows rose in surprise. I shook my head at him, then glanced around the room, searching for Cam. I quickly found him, a pool stick in hand as he laughed with one of the younger guys. I think his name was Mack, though I’d never really talked to him.

  I moved steadily through the room, giving small smiles to people who said hello. I didn’t want to stop and take the chance of Cam seeing me and leaving.

  When I finally got to the pool tables, I froze, waiting for Cam to notice me.

  “Trix,” he said roughly as he met my eyes. He looked away before I could reply, and leaned over the table to take his shot, as if I wasn’t standing just tw
o feet away.

  “Can we talk?” My voice trembled and I wanted to curse.

  “No,” he replied emotionlessly as his pool stick hit the cue ball and knocked a striped ball into the pocket.

  “Please,” I said over the noise as he moved around the table, lining up his next shot. “I went to the—”

  “Got nothin’ to say to you,” Cam interrupted, standing up straight. “Go home.”

  “No.” People began to stare as I held my ground, and my face burned in mortification.

  “You have that abortion yet?” Cam’s statement whipped through the room, and my hand went straight to my belly in horror at his callous words.

  Everyone knew now. Everyone knew why he hated me. I clenched my jaw against the pain saturating my chest. He hated me.

  “Of course not,” I ground out, tears blurring my eyes.

  “Well, you still got time.”

  I inhaled sharply as my resolve started to waver. He was hurting me on purpose. Lashing out in the only way he could. He couldn’t hit me like he would have anyone else—he’d never physically hurt me, but he could use his words—and he was. He was breaking me on purpose, and it was worse than any blow he could have delivered.

  “I just want to talk,” I pleaded, searching his face for anything that would tell me to keep trying. I just needed a small indication—anything that would prove that I wasn’t making a fool out of myself for nothing.

  “Think my prez might have somethin’ to say about that,” Cam said with a harsh laugh. “I’m stayin’ away like you wanted. Now get the fuck away from me.”

  I nodded, closing my eyes for a second as I tried to settle my shaking hands. “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”

  I uncurled my fist from the envelope I was gripping, and took my time smoothing out the wrinkles in the paper. Then I set the entire envelope on the edge of the pool table.

  “I thought you might want to see these.” My voice wobbled and I swallowed hard, still looking at the white envelope. “I went to the doctor today and they, uh, they did an ultrasound and sent home some pictures.”

  I looked up and met his eyes as he gave me a short nod.

  “I’m so sorry, Cam,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “I love you.”

  He didn’t respond.

  There was nothing left to say, nothing that he wanted to hear from me.

  The clubhouse was oddly silent as I turned away, but I didn’t meet anyone’s eyes as I walked steadily back toward the front door. Every single part of me wanted to drop to my knees in agony, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t make things harder for him, I wouldn’t cause more drama than I already had.

  I reached the cool night air with an overwhelming sense of relief. I’d made it outside without breaking. I’d tried to speak to Cameron, and my “what if” had come to pass, but I was still standing. I was still breathing, even if those breaths were desperate and agonizing.

  “Little Warrior,” my pop murmured from the darkness beside the door, giving me permission to lose it.

  “Papa,” I whimpered, my legs suddenly turning to rubber. The sob that tore out of my throat was so ragged that it physically hurt.

  Just before I went down, my pop was there, scooping me into his arms and striding toward our house.

  “You did good, baby girl,” he whispered against my head as ragged cries poured out of my throat. “I know it hurts, Little Warrior, but you did real good.”

  Chapter 23

  Cameron

  I grabbed my beer after Trix left the clubhouse and carried it past the pool table, snagging the envelope she’d left on my way to my room. I couldn’t believe she’d had the balls to try and work shit out with me in the middle of a room full of people.

  Did she think I’d just welcome her back with open arms? Jesus, I still wanted to throttle her.

  I grabbed another beer on my way past the bar and carried it with me into my dark room, flipping on the light and slamming the door behind me. I was pleased as fuck that Callie was going home the next day, but hell if I’d wanted to have a party. I was wound so tight that the slightest thing could set me off, and having the clubhouse full of brothers and old ladies was a bad fucking idea.

  I dropped to the bed and stared at the blank, white envelope between my fingers. I should have been there. I wondered if she’d heard the heartbeat. Maybe she’d recorded it on her phone? I wasn’t going to ask her.

  If it was up to me, I wouldn’t see her again until my kid was born.

  I took a deep breath and pulled the shiny little black and white photos out of the envelope, immediately feeling a surge of disappointment. I couldn’t tell what any of the shit in the picture was. I wondered if Trix knew, then shook my head. It didn’t matter.

  I flipped through each picture slowly, not having a clue what I was looking at. I mean, it must have been my kid, but all I saw was a blob in the center of another blob. Nothing recognizable. I searched each picture individually, turning it this way and that, trying to find a frame of reference. Nothing.

  Then I reached the last ultrasound photo and the ones I’d slid behind it fluttered to the ground as I lost all feeling in my hands.

  Baby A and Baby B.

  My heart raced.

  No fucking way.

  I scrambled to pick up the rest of the pictures, laying them out on the bed side by side to try and find some similarities—some extra clue about what I was looking at.

  I got to my feet and swayed to the side, catching myself against the wall.

  Farrah.

  Farrah would know what she was looking at.

  I swung open my bedroom door so hard that it slammed against the wall, but I barely noticed it as I raced toward the front room. She’d been at the bar when I left.

  If she’d already gone home, I was going to freak the fuck out.

  Nope, there she was. I moved toward her at a fast clip, and slammed the pictures down on the bar when I reached her.

  “Look,” I demanded when she glanced at me in confusion. “Look at those.”

  “Oh, Cam,” she said softly, giving me a small smile. “Trix went to the doctor?”

  “Just look,” I snapped before taking a deep breath. “Please, Ma.”

  She nodded once, then looked down at the photographs in front of her and slid through them one by one.

  “What am I looking for, baby?” she asked as Casper leaned forward to look over her shoulder.

  “You’ll know when you see it,” I mumbled, leaning heavily against the bar.

  My heart beat so hard I could hear it in my ears, and only a few seconds later, Farrah let out a small gasp.

  “Holy shit,” she mumbled as Casper began to laugh. “Holy shit.”

  “Ma,” I growled, my hands beginning to fidget.

  “Twins, huh?” Casper asked teasingly. “Damn, you don’t mess around.”

  My legs felt like they were going to completely give out as my head started to swim.

  “Jesus, sit down before you fall down,” Casper ordered laughingly, pushing me onto a stool.

  “I wore a condom,” I whispered to myself. How the fuck had she got pregnant with twins?

  “Oh, fucking gross, Cameron!” Farrah scowled as Casper snickered behind her. “I don’t want to hear that shit.”

  “No, really,” I said seriously, shaking my head in disbelief. “I wore a fucking condom. Every time.”

  “Shut up, Cam! And don’t laugh,” Farrah shrieked, turning to swat at Casper. “I’m not supposed to hear that stuff. What if CeeCee was talking about condoms?”

  All laughter left Casper’s face and his jaw tightened. “Not funny, Ladybug.”

  “You think?” she snapped back.

  “Twins,” I whispered, barely hearing my parents as I stared at the pictures on the bar. “Kids. I have two kids.”

  “Hell, yeah, you do,” Casper crowed, moving around Farrah so he could wrap his arms around me in a tight hug. “Congratulations, boy.”

  “Jesus, I need a
second job,” I mumbled, my hands loose at my sides as Casper hugged me. “And a car. I need a car.”

  Farrah started to giggle as I lost my shit.

  “You are going to be an awesome dad,” Farrah sang, pushing Casper out of the way so she could wrap her arms around my waist. “Even better than Cody.”

  “Hey!” Casper complained, pulling Farrah back against him.

  I gave them a small smile, then swiped the pictures off the bar top.

  “So, what’s this then?” I asked, pushing one of the unlabeled photos into Farrah’s face.

  “That’s the head and torso, see right here? That’s the spine…”

  I stood quietly as she explained each picture, pointing out little things that I would have never noticed. She knew what she was talking about, and by the time we’d made it through the photos, I had a lump in my throat the size of Texas.

  “I’m gonna go—” I started to say, ready to go back to my room and stare at my children in peace.

  “Hey, Cam,” Dragon’s low voice came from behind me, and without turning around, I felt my entire body tighten. Fuck. If he was coming to give me shit about Trix, I wasn’t sure I could hold back.

  My emotions were so close to the surface, they were practically fucking bubbling.

  “Hey,” I murmured, turning cautiously around. “What’s up?”

  “Just wanted to tell you congratulations,” Dragon said with a small nod.

  “Oh.” For a second, I just stood there staring at him with my mouth hanging open. “Oh, yeah. Thanks, man.”

  I waited for him to walk away, but he didn’t. Instead, he reached up and swiped his long hair back from his face. “Twins, uh—they run in Bren’s family. I mean, she’s not sure about her mom’s history, but we had—” his voice trailed off for a second as his eyes lost their focus. “Uh, yeah. Don’t know if you remember, but we had twins.” Dragon cleared his throat, and I felt bad for the guy because he looked both uncomfortable and really fucking sad.

  “Yeah, Trix is a twin, right?” I asked, just to fill the silence. What the fuck was I supposed to say?