Bootleg

by Damon Wayans; David Asbery

  Sometimes I think about how bad black people got it, but there are people that have it worse then us. Like handicapped people. It gets quiet when you mention the word “handicapped” because it makes people think about that cousin they haven’t seen in years.

  But forget about that for now. Handicapped people don’t have role models, though more than anyone else they really need them. I think they should have their own superhero, a paraplegic. That would be great. He could be called Handi-Man.

  The show would open up with some funky music. Then the narrator would say, “Up in the sky it’s a bird, it’s a plane. It’s a wheelchair. No, it’s Handi-Man!”

  Cut to the opening scene. A woman being confronted by a mean-looking thug.

  Victim: Handi-Man, Handi-Man, help!

  Handi-Man, cruising in the sky in his custom-made Super Duper Wheelchair, hears her.

  Handi-Man: Uh-oh, it sounds like trouble.

  Handi-Man flies down quickly and accidentally lands on top of some innocent bystanders who are just checking out the action.

  Bystanders: Hey, watch the fuck out!!

  Handi-Man: Excuse me. Hey, you, leave the lady alone.

  The thug snickers and ignores Handi-Man, who staggers out of the wheelchair and cripple-walks closer.

  Handi-Man: I said let the girl go or ya gonna have to deal with me.

  The thug pulls a gun and shoots at him. Handi-Man, unfazed, continues toward the thug, who suddenly looks very frightened.

  Handi-Man: You can’t harm me anymore. I got Palsy. Put the gun down. I said put it down.

  Handi-Man grabs the bad guy with his crooked finger and flips him. The thug screams and crashes into some garbage cans, passing out.

  Handi-Man: That’s right. Never underestimate the powers of the handicapped!

  The victim runs over to Handi-Man and hugs him.

  Handi-Man: Now, now, ma’am, everything’s just fine.

  Woman: Oh, Handi-Man, you’re my hero!

  Handi-Man: I guess I am. Would you help me back to my wheelchair? I can’t feel my legs.

  As the woman walks him to the wheelchair, the crowd chants, “Handi-Man! Handi-Man! Handi-Man!”

  The End

  Handicapped people don’t need pity. They need heroes!

  Interracial Couples

  I don’t understand interracial couples. In Hollywood, it’s so common that brothers look right through black women. They’ll be at a club and lean over to a black woman to say, “Excuse me, sistah, could you tap that white girl for me?”

  I appreciate beauty, I really do. It’s not that I can’t recognize a pretty white woman when I see one—I see them all the time. It’s just some brothas, though, have no discriminating taste. If they had a choice between a beautiful black woman and old white ho, they’d pick the whitey. They’ll show up with any kind of girl as long as she’s white. I’m talking about the white girls that white boys don’t even want. Then they roll up on me all happy, like they struck gold.

  Brother: Yo, Damon, what’s up? I want you to meet my little snowflake here. Damon, this is Betty Lou. Betty Lou, this is Damon.

  Me: Hi, Betty Lou, nice to meet you.

  Betty Lou: Chits nacha ta meetch yarghah, toow.

  Me: What’d she say?

  Brother: Yo, chill, Dee. I met her down at the Special Olympics. Isn’t she white? Yo, if you’re interested, she got a friend in a wheelchair.

  Part 4

  Relationship & Sex

  Mrs. King, Meet Mrs. Ghandi

  The beauty of a woman is that she can love you unconditionally. I think about all the great men throughout history who’ve done great things, they’ve all had great women with them. They had women kicking them in the ass saying, “You can do it, baby. Go ahead, give it your best shot.” A man needs that because then he knows he can fail, and always come back home. You think about Martin Luther King. If he didn’t have a strong, supportive wife, he would’ve never been able to accomplish what he did. If Coretta Scott King was a nagging wife things would’ve turned out completely different for Martin.

  He’d be leaving the house one day and she’d stop him at the door, saying, “What, are you going out marching again? This is the third time this week! You got all them brothers under your control, you need to march them right over here and get them to help you fix the roof, change a light, anything—just do something constructive! But no, I married the ‘Marcher,’ Mr. ‘I-have-a dream.’ Why don’t you dream you had a job with some benefits so I can get the baby’s teeth fixed? I had a dream, too. I dreamed I got my set of dishes off of layaway. But you’re too busy going to the mountaintop. What, they wasn’t hiring up there, either?”

  Or what if Ghandi’s wife was a nagger?

  “Mahatma, get your narrow ass up off the ground! Eat some food. The neighbors are starting to talk. Come on, get up and take me out somewhere. Take me out dancing at the Flying Carpet Club. What do you mean you don’t have energy? Eat some damn food. Then you’ll have energy. You need protein. Look, I’m going down to McDonald’s and I’m gonna get me a McCurry goat sandwich. When I come back if you don’t eat, I want out of this relationship. All right fine. You don’t want to eat, I want out. Here … take your dot back. No, no, I don’t want the dot. You keep the dot. Give me the keys to the camel. I’m going downtown to find me a man who treats me as good as a cow!”

  Never Big Enough

  If there’s one thing men think more about than they think about women, it’s their penises. It’s on our minds all of the time. Ladies, you have no idea how deep the obsession goes. A penis is so important that every man—whether he’ll admit it or not—at one point in his life has taken a ruler or some measuring tape and measured his penis to see how much he’s got. Some of us have even taken a protractor to measure the circumference.

  What’s worse is most men cheat with the ruler. Men lie to themselves.

  Man: Hmmm … thirty-nine inches. That’s pretty big, right? I know the ruler says three-and-a-half inches, but I’ve got a lot of what they call “inner shaft.” My inner shaft starts up back here at the base of my neck.

  And they’re never big enough. Every guy wants two more inches. You think John Holmes was happy? No, he used to sit around thinking, “If I had two more inches I could tuck it in my sock.” You ask a guy what the ideal size is and he’ll tell you he wants it big enough to make love to a woman from another room.

  The reason why we want a big dick is, basically, we want to hurt you. The biggest compliment a woman can give a guy is to roll over in the bed, holding her stomach, saying, “Damn, I think you punctured my uterus.”

  A man will be lying there all proud and pleased with himself, “Yeah, baby, I do that sometimes.”

  Let’s face it, women are more mature than men. You don’t see women measuring their vaginas. Well, okay, maybe it doesn’t have as much to do with their maturity as a big vagina is just something a woman doesn’t want to have on her resume. It’s a turn-off to guys for two reasons: It makes them feel small, and it takes too much work to please. A guy’d be whacking it, saying, “Baby, you don’t feel this? How about this, are you feeling it? Nothing? Okay, let me put my leg in there. You still don’t feel that? All right, let me climb in. I’m in, I am now standing inside your vagina. I’m tap dancing, break dancing, doing jumping jacks. Don’t tell me you’re not feeling this, either!?”

  Can’t Go That Long

  Penis length isn’t the only thing guys lie about. I had a guy tell me that he made love to his woman for six hours straight. This is impossible. First of all, you can’t physically last for six hours, your back will spasm. It may feel like six hours, but I guarantee you, it’s more like six minutes. And second of all, you can’t apply that kind of friction to a vagina without it bursting into flames. Fellas, stop lying.

  The Penis Worship Program

  Women search hard for the answer to this question, “Why do men stray?” They buy self-help books, watch Oprah, and spend hours on the phone wit
h their girlfriends just to find out how they can keep their man. Well, look no further. I have the solution to your problem. My five-step program will guarantee total satisfaction for both you and your man. After taking the Penis Worship Program you won’t ever have to worry about that man straying again.

  Step One

  It’s important that you make your man think that he has the biggest, baddest penis on the planet. Even though you both know it’s not true, he needs to hear it. And you have to be the messenger. He needs to hear this morning, noon, and night, any time and any context is appropriate. For instance,

  Woman: Pass me the salt, please. Do you want a piece of bread? And, oh, honey, have I ever told you that you have an incredibly fat shaft?

  Step Two

  Give your man plenty of head. It’s not the act of giving head that turns him on, it’s the fact that he’s getting head that turns him on. He knows that if his girl is taking the time out of her busy day to get down on her knees and put the uncircumcised thing in her mouth she is performing one of the ultimate acts of love.

  Step Three

  Learn how to give a proper blow job. And get right to the point. All of that kissing on the neck and chest is unnecessary. Men don’t have titties. There’s no erogenous zone to be found up there. You know what a man is thinking when you start with all of that kissing? “She ain’t gonna suck my dick. She’s just wasting time.”

  Step Four

  Ladies, if you don’t like the way it tastes, put something on it. These are the best dipsticks ever made. Try some honey, chocolate, peanut butter, guacamole, CheezeWhiz—whatever you like. If you want to put some popcorn in the crease of his balls, he’ll let you. He’ll never stop you. If a man is sure that you’re going to put it in your mouth, you can set it on fire and he will let you. He’ll actually light it for you.

  Man: All right, baby. Let’s start the wienie roast. Come on, get to it! My ass hairs are burning.

  Step Five

  Don’t make faces while giving head. It’s not a sour pop. Think about how he would feel. What if your man had his head between your legs and started making faces like he’s drinking wheat grass. Your feelings would be hurt, right? So, try to look like you’re enjoying yourself. Maybe smile, but not a big smile ‘cause you don’t want him to think that you’re laughing at the size of his dick. A little smirk will do.

  This concludes the Penis Worship Program. If you follow the steps I guarantee that your man won’t stray. HE’LL STAY!!!

  Bonus

  One extra tip, throw in a little choke. Men like that.

  Relationship Tip #1 for Him: Keep Clean

  Men, there are things that you can do to help your woman stay sexually attracted to you. Like the next time you are about to put your underwear in the hamper take the time to rub those little doo-doo stains out. Take a little soap and water and shout those out. This tells her that you’re thinking about her. I mean, think about what must go through her mind when she picks up your dirty draws and sees those brown stains: “Ugh, what kind of animal am I married to? This grown man can’t even wipe his ass!”

  After looking at that mess how do you expect her to even consider giving you head again? It’s not because she just doesn’t like doing it. No. It’s because she doesn’t want to smell butt funk. As a preventative measure, think about buying some of those baby wipes and keep them by the bowl. A happy woman is a happy relationship!

  Peany Pads

  Ever notice that there are very few products for men in the drug store, but they have a whole aisle devoted to the vagina? Massengill, Monistat, Stay Free, Stay Soft, Just Stay, powders, puffs, sprays, shavers. Anything you can think of, they have for the vagina. I guess there’s no market for the male organ. No soaps, no sprays, no Peany Pads, no nothing. Not even a cute little bow to tie around the shaft.

  They don’t have any products for the penis because it would be a hard sell. Men don’t think that there’s anything wrong with them. And, besides, that there’s no way to sell these products on television. I mean, look at the commercials they have for women. They can suggest anything, right? You’ll see two beautiful women sitting in front of a fire in a cabin on a mountaintop with snow all around them. And one of them looks over and says, “Jenny, I just don’t feel fresh.”

  Now, we all know that what this means is, “Jenny, my vagina is stinking even up here on this mountain.” But she didn’t have to say that for Jenny to understand. Jenny just nods and hands over a carton of Super Absorbent Sweet Box. But see, you can’t do this with a guy because guys don’t understand subtlety. It’d have to be raw. Like two guys sitting on a scaffolding at a construction site eating lunch:

  Jim: Hey, Tommy, my balls stink. I don’t know what’s wrong. I tried everything. Baby powder, talcum powder, foot spray and nothing works. It’s like a freakin’ laundromat down there.

  Tommy: Well, Jim, have you tried Cheese-Away?

  Jim: Cheese-Away, what’s that?

  Tommy: Cheese-Away is the first ball deodorant made especially for the hardworking blue-collar man.

  Jim: Really? Can Cheese-Away help me?

  Tommy: Sure, Cheese-Away helps stifle the cheese smell that occurs between the ass and the ball area. With Cheese-Away you will no longer have to deal with smelly balls. After one application your balls will smell fresh and clean. Yeah, smell that.

  Jim: Minty!

  Tommy: Yeah, and now Cheese-Away comes in New Car Smell.

  Jim: Thanks, Cheese-Away!

  Relationship Tip #2 for Her: Communication

  Most women feel that men are not the best communicators. It may be that they’re just not properly interpreting what their men do say. Maybe the best way for women to better understand how men communicate would be for them to listen to men when they play basketball. It’s very primal. You’ll see a guy coming down the court and yell at his teammate, “Motherfucka, pass the ball!”

  The player handling the ball doesn’t get mad, because he knows that his teammate isn’t calling him a “motherfucka” per se. He knows what he’s trying to say is, “Friend, we’re a team here. If we’re going to win this game you have to stop being selfish and share the ball.”

  So, the ball handler passes the basketball to his teammate, who will most likely score a basket. They share in the moment and grow closer as a result. Everybody wins.

  Now, to relate this to a domestic situation, let’s say a man tells his woman, “Motherfucka, bring me something to eat.” She shouldn’t jump to conclusions or be offended. She should take the time to understand what the man is really trying to say, which is, “Baby, when I come home from a hard day’s work your food is the only thing that soothes my soul.”

  Women shouldn’t get caught up on little words like “motherfucker.” Try to understand what he’s really trying to say.

  Real Men Can’t Talk

  While men do communicate well on the basketball court, women shouldn’t go thinking that men are having thoughtful, in-depth conversations with each other when they hang out. They’re not. Believe me, you’re not missing out on anything. Here’s a typical guy conversation:

  Man: Hey, man, what’s up?

  Other man: Nothing much. You see the ass on that girl?

  Man: Yeah, I saw that. Would you hit that?

  Other man: Yeah, I’d hit that. Her titties are kind of flat, though.

  Man: Yeah. But I’d still hit it, though.

  Other man: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’d hit it, too.

  Man: All right, well, I got to get home to my woman. I’ll see you later.

  Other man: Yeah, me too. It was good hanging out with you.

  Don’t Give Him the Finger

  Ladies, I don’t care what you read in magazines, men don’t like it when you stick your finger up their butt. It challenges their masculinity. Just because we do it to you doesn’t mean we want you to reciprocate. It does not feel good. A female friend of mine was arguing with me about this. She told me, “When I put my finger in m
y man’s ass while giving him head it makes him cum quicker.” And I have to patiently explain to her, “No. He’s cumming quicker because he wants you to take your finger out of his ass!”

  The Condom Theory

  I believe that men and women are not connecting anymore because of the condom. A lot of intimacy is getting trapped in a little plastic bubble. Men and women are going through the motions of making love, but with all of the rubber between them, emotionally they’re not in tune with each other because the message the condom brings to the relationship is: I like you, but I don’t trust you!

  Relationship Tip #3 for Her: The Power of Lookin’ Good

  Women need to realize that men are visual creatures. A woman must stimulate and constantly appeal to his visual nature, otherwise, a man will lose his desire. In the beginning of the relationship women are very creative at keeping him engaged. They come to bed with a little nurse’s outfit on, eight-inch pumps, saying, “I’m here to check your temperature, Big Daddy.”

  “You know, I was feeling a little feverish,” he’ll say, excited because he knows he’s about to get his freak on.

  But time passes in a relationship and women start to forget about his visual nature. They start coming to bed with nurse shoes on because they’re comfortable. And they have that baggy army fatigue shirt on with rollers in their hair, cream on their face, and cucumbers on their eyes.

  Now, if a woman who dresses like this wonders, “Why don’t we make love anymore?” then she shouldn’t be surprised if her man replies, “Because I’m tired of fucking the fruit stand!”