When You Never Said Goodbye

by Meg Kearney

  Inside the four walls of our house, we would talk about the facts of our adoptions—what Mom and Dad were doing when they got the phone calls from The Foundling announcing the child they’d been hoping for was there, ready to be picked up; what few facts they’d been told about our ethnicities. But once the subject of feelings came up—confusion, pain, longing, or plain old curiosity—the conversation petered out or someone changed the subject. To ask about birth parents was disloyal, as it might have meant that Mom and Dad weren’t “good enough.” It took me, and thus Liz McLane, years to realize that wanting to know who your birth mother is has nothing to do with how much you love your parents. My family, like Liz’s, finally came to understand that, too.

  At first I resisted writing When You Never Said Goodbye. One hesitation came from the idea of reliving the emotional rollercoaster of searching for one’s blood relatives. Did I, through Liz, really want to go for that ride again? One major obstacle I ran into during those years of my own search was my birth surname: Smith. (How I discovered my surname is too long a story to tell here.) Searching for a woman with the most popular surname in the United States is a bit daunting, to say the least. Liz, of course, discovers this as well. (While I’m on the subject of names: readers might remember that Liz’s given name is Elizabeth Ann. Elizabeth Ann was the name of my birth mother, who as an adult went by Liz.)

  At the same time, I knew that if I were to write it, this book would be the only one of the three that did not largely parallel my own story. I could not end Liz’s search the way my own ended. After the eight-year quest for my birth mother, I discovered at age thirty-five that she had died of breast cancer years before, when I was nineteen. She was dead. It leveled me. I would never know Elizabeth Ann Smith. As the writer, I had the power to keep Liz from that fate. I could allow her birth mother to explain and express herself, to say “I love you”—even if Liz didn’t get to meet her. So when I decided to forge ahead with book three and Liz’s own search, I didn’t know exactly how it would end.

  The results of my own search weren’t completely bad news: I did find blood relatives, including an aunt and uncle, a half-brother and half-sister, and many cousins. They all knew about me and welcomed me with an enthusiastic love that lasts to this day. And I look so much like my birth mother that when we met for the first time it seemed (they told me) as if I were a ghost, Elizabeth alive again in their midst. It was all a miracle. That said, I am still coming to terms with the idea that I will never meet my first mother. Maybe I’ll never completely be at peace with that fact.

  After struggling with the ending of the book, I realized that in order for it to ring emotionally true, I needed to find a way for Liz’s birth mother to be alive and able to express her love for her daughter, and yet not be “available.” This would enable me to tap into my own emotions that came with discovering how much my own birth mother had loved me and that she was dead. The idea of making Liz’s mother a nun was something that had been in the back of my mind all along, but I kept resisting it. Who would believe it, a woman becoming a nun in the twenty-first century? Then I did some research and discovered that there are a few small convents in the United States that are thriving—and growing. Maybe it wasn’t totally out of the question, the idea of Liz’s first mother becoming a religious sister.

  On a whim I decided to read a book that had been on my shelf for years, The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco, about fourteenth-century monks. Because some monks, like some nuns, are cloistered, the book seemed like a promising choice. Perhaps it would guide me. It turned out that the paperback had a bookmark inside it from New York University, where my dad earned his undergraduate degree. The book must have been his. That was my sign! The rest of Liz’s story flowed after that.

  Here’s what I know about Liz McLane’s future. She will become a published poet. (After all, poetry is a gift both of our birth mothers wished for us.) She’ll stay in New York City. She will always be rich in family and friends. That family will expand in time when she meets her birth mother’s sisters and brother, and her cousins related to her by blood. Occasionally, she will spot new photos of her birth mother on the convent’s website, and swear that Sister Dorothy is waving hello. She and Tim? I think they’ll stay together. And always, she will be Lizzie, beloved daughter of Margaret and Patrick McLane, devoted sister to Kate and Bob. My blessed and plucky girl.

  Notes

  Page numbers listed correspond to the print edition of this book. You can use your device's search function to locate particular terms in the text.

  “A Guide to This Book’s Poetics,” “Suggested Books on Poetry and on Adoption,” as well as a Teacher’s Guide, all by Meg Kearney, can be downloaded at no cost from the publisher’s website: www.perseabooks.com, and from www.megkearney.com.

  Most of the names of bands, songs, and song lyrics mentioned in this book are written by Meg Kearney, including “When You Never Said Goodbye.” (See pages 269–270, for the full lyrics to this song. Download the song at www.megkearney.com.) References are made to two songs by other artists: “You’ve Got a Friend” by Carole King (in “Ms. R in the Park,” p. 49) and “My Father’s Eyes” by Livingston Taylor (Journal Entry #2212, p. 189).

  The names of professors and classes offered at NYU are also fictional, as is the bar called “The Rock.”

  About adoption registries: there are several websites that offer adoption search services. These sites maintain databases of adoptees, birth parents, and birth siblings who register their names and personal details with hope of finding a match. Some are national, some are statewide. The oldest reunion registries (both existed before the Internet) are the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR), which is free; and the Adoptees’ Liberty Movement Association (ALMA), which requires a fee before any information is released. For people adopted in New York State, there is also the Adoption and Medical Information Registry, run by the New York State Department of Health. Most sites are free, but watch for fees (some are hidden) if you decide to register. In order for there to be a match, both you and the person you’re looking for must be registered on the same site. And sometimes the “match” turns out to be a mistake. Many sites will also connect you with a paid searcher, which can cost several thousand dollars. I suggest anyone deciding to go that route use only a searcher who can be recommended by someone trusted, and who asks for compensation only after successfully finding blood relatives.

  In “Journal Entry #2167: January 10” (p. 30), the book Liz gives to Jan is Drive, They Said: Poems About Americans and Their Cars, edited by Kurt Brown (Milkweed, 1994).

  “Torn” (p. 120) mentions a poem called “The Otter”; it’s by Seamus Heaney, found in his collection, Field Work (Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1976).

  Pablo Neruda’s poem “Horses” is mentioned in “April First” (p. 199). The poem can be found in Full Woman, Fleshly Apple, Hot Moon: Selected Poems of Pablo Neruda (HarperCollins, 1997: Stephen Mitchell, translator).

  The Sisters of the Joyful Resurrection is an imaginary order of nuns inspired by several exisiting convents. In doing my research, I was surprised to find that young women in the twenty-first century are still entering the religious life (though not in the numbers they did in the past). The Dominican Sisters of St. Cecilia in Nashville, Tennessee, might be the fastest-growing order. At the time of this writing (2016), the average age of women entering the Sisters of St. Cecilia is twenty-three; the average age of the Sisters is thirty-six. Growing steadily in numbers, they are mostly college-educated women and many are teachers.

  In Journal Entry #2222 (p. 235), Kate reads aloud about semi-cloistered communities. She is quoting from the website of the Daughters of the Immaculate Heart of Mary, an actual convent in Syracuse, New York. This site has excellent information about religious callings, life, vows, and leaving one’s family behind to enter a convent: http://www.ihm daughters.org/site/822867/page/4134480.

  Lyrics to the Song “When You Never Said Goodbye”

  B
Y MEG KEARNEY

  When You Never Said Goodbye

  Had that dream again of asters

  and black birds—you like a page torn—

  just outside my door.

  The wind stirs

  and the leaves all let go.

  Rushed out to greet you,

  your face turned to snow.

  CHORUS:

  Wish I could climb inside

  myself, tumble down

  tumble down

  to a past I never knew—

  maybe I’d reach the day

  when maybe you said Be good,

  when maybe you said Don’t cry,

  when maybe you said

  I love you—

  when you never said goodbye.

  Thought I saw you through a window

  one April—there by the gold trees—

  turned out you were me.

  The wind blows

  as though a mother-ghost.

  I was still sea-borne

  and you were my coast.

  (CHORUS)

  Once I met the great wizard

  of heart-ache—his mask was the sea—

  I pled for his pity.

  The wind blurs

  then snuffs the star lights out.

  There are just some things

  it can’t live without.

  (CHORUS)

  Scan here to listen to a performance of the song and

  for more information about the Lizzie McLane novels.

  Acknowledgments

  This is not a book I intended to write, back when I wrote The Secret of Me and The Girl in the Mirror. It was my editor and publisher at Persea Books, Karen Braziller, who believed Lizzie McLane must pursue her search for her birth mother: thus the trilogy was born. As difficult as it was for me to enter that territory with Lizzie, some heaven-sent signs and Karen’s persistence urged me and Lizzie forward. I’m grateful for that now. (Lizzie is, too.) So thanks to Karen for being so tenacious and enouraging; and to publisher Michael Braziller, Jonah Fried in marketing, and to Rita Lascaro, designer and compositor. Thanks as well to my agent, Elaine Markson.

  Thanks also to Jessica Flynn, former Undergraduate Programs Manager at NYU, for introducing me to Alexis Alvarado, Michael Frazier, and Fiona Wang, all freshmen living in Goddard Hall in the fall of 2013. A special thanks goes to Alexis, Michael, and Fiona for the tour of their dorm and a great conversation at Klong over lunch; plus for their answers to my questions via email (and for Michael’s photos and patience when the questions kept coming).

  My Spanish is very elementary, and so I could not have done without the enthusiastic help of poet María Luisa Arroyo, who helped me with some of the words and phrases in this book. My aunt, Nellie Kearney, also came to my aid in this regard.

  Many people have supported me during the writing of When You Never Said Goodbye and in all of my literary endeavors: my beloved husband Gabriel Parker (my number-one supporter and cheerleader); Lita Judge (who was also this book’s first reader and gave me invaluable feedback); Dave Judge; Beth Grosart Little (another first reader and great Lizzie fan); Maureen Petro (who assured me at a crucial moment that readers would understand and accept Sister Dorothy’s calling to be a nun); Meg Dunn de Pulido; Laure-Anne Bosselaar; Deborah Smith Bernstein; Jett (proofreader extraordinaire) and Shelley Whitehead; Donald Hall; Fran Graffeo & Carol Hohman; Kathi Aguero (with a nod to her book Daughter Of); Kyle Potvin; Laura Williams McCaffrey; Laban Carrick Hill; Mark Turcotte; Steve Huff; Anne-Marie Oomen; Ann Angel; Sarah Dunlap; Howard Levy; Martha Rhodes; Dave Capella; and—always—Jacqueline Woodson. Thanks, too, to Tanya Whiton and the entire community at the Solstice MFA in Creative Writing Program of Pine Manor College.

  Writing this book also inspired me to create lyrics for the song “When You Never Said Goodbye.” Thanks to Cornelius Eady for giving me advice about my first draft, and a deep bow to my song collaborators Beth Grosart Little and Chris Little for setting those lyrics to music. Beth also lent the song her stunning voice, and Chris his guitar playing. Colin McCaffrey offered up his own recording studio for the final cut, and was both our sound engineer and fiddler. I couldn’t be more blown away by what these friends have done with my words, or more grateful. Check out the song through the link on my website, www.megkearney.com.

  A huge hunk of appreciation also goes to Koke Fedorowicz, Nancy Ferrara, and the Ferrara family for “adopting me” and letting me use their cabin in the White Mountains of New Hampshire every August; and especially to Natalia Ferrara, a young and talented filmmaker, who created the book’s trailer. I’m also grateful to actors Ali Lee and Daphne Greaves for lending their talents to make that fabulous trailer. Thanks also to Ruth and Jack Cook, formerly of Franconia, New Hampshire, for coming to my rescue in that cabin with homemade food, fascinating conversations about adoption, and a laptop loan during a crucial stretch in the writing of this book. Thanks also goes to all of my friends at the Frost Place in Franconia, New Hampshire, where I “grew up” as a poet.

  As always, Wendy Freund [MSEd, LCSW], my social worker in the Adoption Unit at The New York Foundling, must be acknowledged for her enthusiam and support. She’s been Lizzie’s champion from the start. Wendy has now retired from The Foundling, but continues on with her private practice, with a special focus on artists and members of the adoption triad.

  I dreamed of being a writer beginning in second grade, but never would have succeeded if not not for my parents’ encouragement and my entire family’s continued countenance. They have my gratitude and love always.

  Advance Praise for When You Never Said Goodbye

  “Meg Kearney takes you into the heart of this story and holds you there. I loved everyone I met in these pages and felt every moment of deep love and deep loss. When You Never Said Goodbye is a gift to the world, a book you’ll want to read slowly, savoring both the eloquent writing and the brave, beautiful story.”

  —JACQUELINE WOODSON, AUTHOR OF BROWN GIRL DREAMING

  “Thoughtful and brimming with justifiable teen angst, Kearney’s fast-paced tale offers illuminating insights into the perils and rewards of self-discovery.”

  —KIRKUS REVIEWS

  PRAISE FOR EARLIER LIZZIE McLANE NOVELS

  The Secret of Me

  “On rare occasions one reads a book that is just plain touching, pulling the reader in and allowing one to feel what the character feels. Here is such a book. . . . This tenderly written book . . . can be enjoyed by all.”

  —VOYA

  “Always honest and alive . . . a brave book.”

  —Adam Bagdasarian

  “Strong feelings are conveyed in few words. . . . A special book filled with insight.”

  —Claire Rosser, KLIATT

  “A sincere, at times poignant novel-in-verse reads like a memoir. . . . A first-rate offering.”

  —Kirkus Reviews (starred)

  “Wonderfully written . . . no one will ever again wonder why adoptees long so fiercely to know their biological parentage.”

  —Norma Fox Mazer

  The Girl in the Mirror

  “There is an honesty, a darkness, a steel fragility in these beautifully crafted words. I suspect there are few readers who would not be swept up in Lizzie’s destructive grief. Kearney fully engages the reader in this very fine coming-of-age novel.”

  —Karen Hesse

  “Lizzie is wise, insightful, creative, impossible not to invest in as she spirals down and then rebounds. . . . A beautifully wrought story with memorable characters and true-to-life issues.

  —The Horn Book

  “Honesty to the core . . . intense and personal.”

  —Paula Fox

  Also by Meg Kearney

  NOVELS ABOUT LIZZIE McLANE

  The Secret of Me: A Novel in Poems (2005)

  The Girl in the Mirror: A Novel in Poems and Journal Entries (2012)

  POETRY

  An Unkindness of Ravens (2001)

  Home By Now (2009)

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  Trouper (2013)

  About the Author

  MEG KEARNEY was born in the borough of Manhattan in New York City, and immediately placed into foster care under the auspices of The New York Foundling. At the age of five months, she was adopted and brought to live with her new parents and two older (also adopted) siblings in LaGrange, a town located in New York’s Hudson Valley.

  Kearney writes poetry for both adults and young adults, including The Secret of Me and The Girl in the Mirror, the first two novels in the Lizzie McLane trilogy. In 2010, Home By Now, her second collection of poems for adults, won the PEN New England L.L. Winship Award and was a finalist for the Paterson Poetry Prize and Foreword Magazine’s Book of the Year. Among her other books are An Unkindness of Ravens (poetry for adults) and Trouper (a critically acclaimed picture book for children, illustrated by E. B. Lewis). Kearney’s poems—and occasionally a story and an essay—have appeared in myriad literary journals and anthologies, and have been nominated for a Pushcart Prize four times. Garrison Keillor has read her poems on his national radio show, “The Writer’s Almanac,” and included her work in his anthology, Good Poems: American Places. Former U.S. poet laureate Ted Kooser also selected one of her poems for his “American Life in Poetry” column.

  Before becoming founding director of the Solstice Low-Residency Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing Program at Pine Manor College in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts, Kearney was Associate Director of the National Book Foundation, sponsor of the National Book Awards, in New York City. She also taught poetry at The New School University (New York). A long time ago, she conducted power-plant tours for students and adults as part of her job at an electric utility in New York’s Hudson Valley.