Always Series Box Set

by Becs, Lindsay

  We pull into the drive-thru of Dairy Queen, stopping at the intercom. “Well, what do you want? Peanut butter cup blizzard or peanut buster parfait today?”

  She bites her lip before saying blizzard. I order two, pay and retrieve our sugary desserts before driving toward one of my favorite spots.

  “How did you know this is my favorite?”

  I shrug. “It’s what you always get. I pay attention.” She leans over and kisses me on the cheek before sitting back and taking my hand again.

  “Where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “You aren’t going to kill me, are you?”

  “Not today,” I say, kissing the inside of her wrist.

  Fifteen minutes later, I pull into a park that not many people know about. It’s old and run-down. There isn’t a swing set for children here, but there’s a pond and ducks and benches to sit and watch the tranquility of it all. Josie takes my hand when I open her door, and we walk to a bench and sit down with our ice cream.

  “I didn’t know this place was here.”

  “It’s one of the few good memories I have with my mom. We used to come here every Sunday morning and feed the ducks when I was little. It was my favorite thing. I still come here sometimes to think or get away.”

  “I can see why. It’s so peaceful.”

  “How is it I miss you, yet I live in your house and see you every day?” I ask, looking out in front of me.

  “I don’t know, but I feel the same.” She leans her head against my shoulder, and we sit like that in comfortable silence, with our walls down, just being us. I wrap my arm around her and pull her into me, kissing her temple. It feels nice to relax and just be with her.

  “Do you want to move out?” Josie asks, breaking the silence. I’m confused at first by what she’s asking. “Do you still want that apartment?”

  “I don’t know. I like being able to come home to you every night, even if I can’t have you the way I want to. But, if I did move out, we’d have our own space to be us, uninterrupted.”

  “They called yesterday and said the unit you wanted would be ready to move into on Tuesday. If you still want it.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know, Travis. It’s your life. You can’t make every decision based off me.”

  “No, it’s our life, and yes I can.”

  She laughs and shakes her head as she leans back into me again.

  “Ollie is leaving for school in four months. I’m not sure you should live at the house without him there.” I shift her face to look at me, so I can read her. She smiles up at me and runs her thumb over the crease in my brows, trying to smooth it out. “I didn’t mean I didn’t want you in saying that. I’m saying it might look funny if we’re playing house with him gone is all.”

  “Playing house? Really, Joes?”

  “I don’t know what else to call it. I’ll still have Tatum at home, and you aren’t my kid, Trav. It’ll look weird to other people if you live with me with Ollie gone.”

  I contemplate her words for a minute. “So, what you’re saying is that even after I graduate, even if I am almost twenty, you still want us to keep sneaking around?”

  “Travis, I…”

  “Are we always going to be a secret, Josie? Am I always going to be your dirty secret? I still won’t be enough, will I?” I hurl the questions out, feeling my anger rolling off me.

  “That’s not what I said!”

  “It sure as hell sounds like it.”

  “Trav, I don’t know how to do this.”

  “I don’t either, but I thought we were in this together. I thought that once school was done and I was working full-time at the garage that we’d tell people, or at least do something more than this. How far off was I, Joes? Has it always been this way in your head? Do you ever want to tell Ollie? Are you always going to be afraid to be seen with me?”

  “I don’t know! I don’t know Travis.” She buries her face in her hands at her admission, breaking me in the process.

  “You can’t keep being scared for the rest of your life. You can’t keep worrying about what people are going to think or say. None of that shit matters.”

  “You don’t understand. I’ve always been the one everyone talks about. Pregnant at fifteen, then not able to get pregnant, losing three babies, then my husband cheated. I’m tired of being the one people talk about. Sure, it’s mostly been pity, but I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

  “You really think I’m a stranger to being the one people whisper about?” I snort.

  “Trav, I didn’t think about…”

  “No, you didn’t. People have gossiped about me and my family for years. But I don’t give a shit because it doesn’t matter, Josie.”

  She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes as she releases it. “I’m just not ready for it to start again.” I nod and stand up, needing space from her now. “I have to think about Tatum. She’s still young. I don’t want her to have to defend her mom because she couldn’t keep her legs together.”

  I turn on her now. “I literally just defended you, to one of my best friends I might add, that you aren’t a piece of ass for anyone to talk about. It wasn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last. So don’t you dare stand there and talk about yourself that way. Don’t talk about us that way. You are so much more than that. We are so much more than that, and you know it.”

  “Trav—”

  “No. Don’t. I’ll take the apartment, and I’ll move in on Tuesday.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means I’m done. I’m tired of defending you – us. I don’t want to always be your secret, and until you’re ready to admit that we’re more than that, I’m done. If you can’t respect yourself and what we have, why should I?”

  “Please don’t do this,” she whispers, tears threatening to fall.

  “I didn’t. You did.” I pause and run my hands through my hair, blowing out a breath. “I’ll be in the car when you’re ready.” I walk to the car trying to calm the rage and hurt coming over me.

  JOSIE

  The drive back to the house is miserable. I try to hold in my tears looking out the window as Travis grips the steering wheel and clenches his jaw over and over. I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do from here. Once he drives into the garage, he gets out and goes straight to Ollie’s room, slamming the door behind him.

  I make a cup of tea, taking it to the porch to think about what in the hell I’m doing. Maybe this is what was meant to be. It isn’t right, to be lusting over my son’s best friend.

  But it’s more than that. I know it is – was – more than that. I feel it in my bones and every fiber of my body. Travis owns me: heart, body, and soul.

  I hear him open the front door, and I’m about to tell him I’m sorry, when I see his duffle slung over his shoulder. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going to stay at my parents’ house until the apartment is ready.”

  “Travis, you don’t have to do that.”

  “Yes, I do. I can’t stay here with you right now.” He says it to the sky. He won’t even look at me. “Text me with what I need to do for the apartment.” With that, he starts for his truck.

  “Travis!” I stand and call out, not knowing what I want to say as I watch him throw his bag in the bed of the truck and open the door to get in, to drive away from me. He stills but won’t turn to look at me. “You’ve always been enough. Always.”

  “Apparently I’m not right now.” He shuts the door, the sound making me jump and the tears fall.

  He’s only going two houses down, but it feels like so much farther.

  It feels like I lost him.

  * * *

  I didn’t know my heart could hurt and long for something – someone – like it has in the three weeks since Travis left me sitting on my porch, watching him drive away. It’s strange to me that I feel more over the loss of him than I did when my husband left me. S
ure, when Adam left it hurt and I cried, but I moved on. We hadn’t been happy for a long time and by the end were more like passing strangers living together than husband and wife. I guess that made it easier when he actually moved out and moved on.

  But right now, without Travis, without seeing his scowl when he’s frustrated or his smile when he lets loose or his sexy smirk when he’s looking at me, I feel so empty. I feel like there’s a piece missing in my heart. We had shared so much, yet not nearly enough in the time that we gave to each other. I miss him so much. More than I thought possible. I’ve cried over him more than I have any other person.

  I try not to let Ollie or Tatum see, but I’m sure they can sense a difference in me since he left. Ollie has said things in passing about him moving into his apartment or them hanging out, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt and pierce my heart every time.

  Yesterday, I watched as the boys and their friends crossed the stage and received their high school diplomas with pride and big smiles on their faces. I cried the whole time, not just watching my baby boy walk that stage and enter into a new phase of life, but I also watched with bated breath as Travis did the same. I didn’t miss the way his eyes swept the audience and found mine. I tried my best to give him a brave smile, but I saw the sadness in his eyes that matched the sadness falling from mine.

  Now, today will be even harder as I host a party for them both with their friends and family to celebrate them. I have to keep my emotions in check and keep an even face as Travis walks into my house again after so many weeks away. I have to keep from running into his arms and apologizing for being stupid. I have to keep my hands to myself and my lips off of him. I have to keep my heart sealed away from his. I know it’s for the best, for him. But it still hurts like hell.

  “Mom, can I help with anything?” Ollie asks, pulling me from my thoughts as I realize I’ve been stirring the same bowl of pudding for the last ten minutes.

  Wiping away the wetness on my cheek with the back of my hand, I turn with a smile to him. “Want to crush the Oreos for me? I used to think you asked me to make dirt pudding only so you could bang the rolling pin on the counter and not get yelled at.”

  “There’s probably a little bit of truth in that,” he laughs, pulling open the packages of cookies and dumping them into a bag to crush them.

  He finishes his task, and we start to layer his favorite dessert – Travis’s too – into the two pans. “Mom?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Are you alright? You’ve been so sad lately.”

  I pause and close my eyes before answering. “I am sad. But I’ll be alright,” I say, running the back of my fingers down his cheek. “You always take such good care of me, but now it’s time for you to take care of you. Live your dreams and have the time of your life.”

  “Who says I can’t do both?” he says with a wink.

  “Oliver, I love you so much. I’m so very proud of the man you’ve become. As much as I’ll miss you when you leave next month, I want you to not look back, but look forward to your future. I know you will do great things because you are one of the greatest things I ever did.” I feel another tear fall down my cheek before he wraps me in his arms and hugs me.

  “I love you, too, Mom,” he says before kissing me on the cheek. Then he pulls back and grabs my shoulders. “But today is party day. So, stop crying, drink an extra glass of wine and have fun. Got it?”

  A smile breaks on my face with tear-filled eyes. “I’ll try my best.”

  “Come on, woman, get your shit together. You’re the fun mom. You need to live up to your reputation,” he adds as he hip checks me with another wink and drops gummy worms into the pudding.

  “You owe a dollar in the jar.” I point to him with a laugh.

  Gosh, this boy. I don’t know what I’ll do without him. But I swear to myself right then that I’ll be sure to keep my sadness to myself and make our last month together as a family one of the best.

  * * *

  The party has gone well so far. I’ve tried to just stay away from Ollie and his friends, including Travis, all day. Most of the family members have left, including Adam and his girlfriend. The boys are starting a fire in the firepit out back, now that the sun is going down, as I start cleaning up some of the disaster that is my kitchen.

  “Can we help with anything?” Jay, Alex’s girlfriend, asks. I turn to see her and the other girls standing behind me. “You shouldn’t have to do all this yourself.”

  “That’s really sweet of you. Do you mind helping gather the plates and trash from around the house?” I ask, my brows pulled together trying to think of what else I might need help with while I got it.

  “Sure! I’ll do that. Where are your trash bags?” Autumn, the girl that’s sweet on Ollie, asks. I point to under the sink, and she grabs one out and hands another to Carian before they start cleaning up.

  “What else can I help with, Mrs. D? Can I put food away? Or sweep maybe?” Jay asks. She’s a persistent little thing, but I appreciate her willingness to help. She’s always been a sweet girl.

  “Um, sure. All the food on that side is getting thrown out, but that food over there needs to be put away. I have containers in that cupboard,” I say, pointing to where they are.

  “I can show her, Mom,” Tatum announces, bounding into the kitchen now. “Ollie said I have to stay inside now that it’s ‘grown-up’ time,” she complains, using air quotes with an eye-roll.

  I chuckle at her dramatics. “Thanks, sweet girl.”

  Tatum shows Jay and Teagan, and the three of them start to put the food away as I continue washing dishes. My hands plunge into the soapy water as I look out the kitchen window that faces the backyard where the boys are. I smile at first, watching them goof around like they have since they were all in peewee football together.

  I drop a plate, making it shatter, when I see Travis pull Sara into his lap and tickle her. “Mom! You’re bleeding!” I hear Tatum shout, breaking my stare.

  “Oh, crap! It’s OK, Tate,” I say to try to calm her panic as I wrap my hand in a towel and run to the bathroom to clean it up.

  I’m pulling the towel off my hand when I hear a knock on the bathroom door before it opens. “It’s OK, I just cu… Travis.” I feel my face blanch when I see it’s him here to help me and not Ollie.

  His brows are pinched together as he reaches for my hand. “Let me see it.” He doesn’t ask, but orders. I swallow down my nerves as I feel my cheeks heat when his rough, warm hands wrap around my hand and arm, looking it over. “I don’t think you need stitches. But you need to keep it clean so it doesn’t get infected. It’s still a nasty cut,” he tells me, still not looking up at me.

  “Ok,” I say as I watch him get out antiseptic lotion and Band-Aids, knowing exactly where to find them. He cleans up my hand and places the Band-Aid on for me. “Thank you.”

  “You need to be careful,” he says harshly, like he’s mad at me for cutting myself. What the hell?

  “The plate slipped. It was an accident,” I defend myself.

  “So, it had nothing to do with you watching me with Sara?” He chooses this moment to look at me, his chocolate eyes melting my resolve.

  “Travis,” I warn.

  “I’ve watched you all day. You steal glances and watch me, just as much as I do you. Answer me. Were you jealous?”

  I close my eyes and turn my body away from his in the smallness of the bathroom. “No,” I bite out, knowing it’s what I should say, but it’s the biggest lie.

  I feel his warmth at my back as his arms cage me in, resting his hands on the counter in front of me. “You didn’t mind that I had another girl on my lap? My hands touching her, making her laugh. That didn’t bother you, Josie?” he says softly into my ear. I bite my lip with my eyes still closed as I shake my head no. “I need to hear you say you don’t care. I need to see that your eyes don’t betray your lies.”

  I open my eyes and meet his in the mirror, my heart beating frantical
ly, my breath ragged. “You walked away and said you were done. I have no right to care. You aren’t mine.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, pretty girl. I’ll always be yours,” he says pulling away and leaving the bathroom.

  My heart shattered when he called me pretty girl and then turned and walked out of the bathroom. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to go out there and claim him and give myself to him. Instead, I calmed down my broken heart and kept throwing a party for my son and his friends.

  When I walked out of the bathroom, the girls had finished cleaning up and doing the dishes for me. I thanked them with a genuine smile. “You alright, klutz?” Ollie asks, coming into the kitchen where I’m pouring a glass of wine.

  I snort a laugh. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. You having fun?”

  “Yep. Just wanted to check on you. I heard Tate yell, but Trav was already halfway to you before I turned to see what happened. Everything OK with you and him? Things seem weird.”

  “Everything is fine.” I fake a smile before putting my glass down on the counter. “Hey, you ready to have more fun?” I ask, wagging my brows up and down.

  “Sure?” he says uncertain, tilting his head to the side.

  I pull out a cooler from the laundry room and slide it over to Ollie, opening it to show him the beers on ice inside. “Only on two conditions. One, if they drink they stay here tonight, or someone picks them up and I get their keys. And, two, they have to blood oath not to rat me out to their parents.”

  “See, you are the fun mom,” Ollie laughs as he pulls me in for a hug before jumping up and down in excitement.

  “Oliver, do not make me regret this,” I turn my mom voice on for a second, but truth be told, I trust him wholeheartedly to be smart and safe.

  “Promise.” He high-fives me before yelling for Travis to come help him carry the cooler outside.

  “I’m going to watch a movie with Tate upstairs. If you need anything let me know, OK?”