"You'll be all right to look after Michael and Jessica until Dat gets home, won't you, Molly?” Heidi was certain she was in a dream, so the children would be fine. After all, they didn’t really exist except in her mind. “It's only for about half an hour, and you're a big girl now."
"You can't leave us alone, Mamm. We're too little," Jessica said.
"Nonsense; you're a big girl now, too." Heidi kneeled down so she would be at eye level with both Molly and Jessica. “The thing is, Molly and Jessica, this is all just a dream. Everything's a dream, all of this. As soon as I walk out the door, you won't be here. You see, you're all in my mind." She clicked her fingers. “All this will be gone.”
Molly's eyes opened wide as she blinked at her mother. "Am I having a dream?"
"Me, not you. I’m the one having the dream and you’re all in it. You’re the kinner I would’ve had if I’d married Derek." She stood up and turned around in a circle. "None of this is real. I need to go back to my real life, and since it hasn’t come back to me, I must go back to it."
"Can’t we go too?" Jessica asked.
"Don't you see? Don't you both see? None of this is real. You belong here and I belong elsewhere." She stared at her two children who were looking up at her with scrunched faces trying to understand what she was talking about. She crouched down once more thinking what to say. Her best chance of waking up was to find her way back in her dream—find her way back to New York and back to civilization.
"You're scaring me, Mamm," Molly said.
When Jessica started to cry, Heidi knew she was stuck there. She couldn’t leave these children alone even if they were in her dream and giving her grief.
When the taxi pulled up, she walked outside to send it away. She opened the passenger side door. “I’m sorry but there’s been some mistake.”
“What do you mean?”
“The taxi was ordered by mistake and we don’t need it.”
The driver muttered something under his breath.
“Wait. I’ll get you some money for your trouble.” She figured there had to be some money somewhere in the house. Maybe some kind of housekeeping money, and Molly would know where it was kept.
“Don’t bother, lady. I’m never coming back out this way to you people again.” He reversed down the driveway.
She headed inside, desperately hoping the children wouldn't say anything to Derek. He was worried enough about her as it was.
Chapter 11
Once the two girls had settled down and were chattering excitedly to each other about Christmas, Heidi tiptoed out of the room and made herself a hot cup of tea. She came back into the room and was just sitting down on the couch when Jessica ran toward her. "Stop!" Heidi hollered.
Jessica stopped in her tracks and stared at her.
"I've got hot tea here. It could burn you."
Jessica folded her arms and then without warning sat down heavily next to her and Heidi had to lean forward to stop her tea from spilling.
"Just go back and sit with your schweschder for a moment. I need just a moment to sit here quietly in silence. And, don’t ask me why.”
Molly's lips turned down at the corners, and Jessica moved off the couch and sat down next to her sister on the rug. Meanwhile, Michael was making gurgling noises in the crib.
"Someone needs to pick up Michael," Molly said.
"Nee, they don't. Not yet. He doesn't have to be picked up all the time as soon as he wakes. Those are his happy sounds. He can be by himself for a moment. Now can I have two minutes of silence, please?"
Both girls turned around and looked at her and then remained quiet.
Never has silence sounded so good, Heidi thought, as she sipped on her hot tea. If this was motherhood, she was ill prepared for it. At least back in her real life, she could close the door of her office or turn her phone off when someone annoyed her. Here, she was trapped.
When she was washing her cup out in the kitchen with one hand and holding Michael on the other hip, she looked out the window hoping the buggy she'd heard was Derek home to help with the children. It wasn’t Derek it was her mother.
She heard the children screech from the other room, "It's Mammi."
"Open the door for her and tell her I'm in the kitchen." She sat down and fed the baby while thinking up an excuse. The children were sure to tell her mother that she had nearly gotten into a taxi.
A few minutes later, her mother walked in. "What's this about you going somewhere and leaving the children alone?"
Heidi stared at Jessica and Molly, who were standing either side of Mamm. "Go into the other room while I talk to Mammi." The children disappeared into the other room while her mother took a seat at the table. "They were driving me crazy today, and I said something I shouldn't have.” She had to admit her wrong. “I did say something about going and leaving them alone."
“You have to rule them with a firmer hand, Heidi. You let them get away with far too much and it results in you getting stressed. It shouldn’t go that far and they wouldn’t—"
“I know. It’s true.” She was grateful her mother didn’t say she was an awful person. That’s exactly what she thought of herself. How could she even consider leaving them alone?
“Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile.”
“Maybe.” Heidi remembered how strict both Mamm and Dat had been with her when she was growing up. "I'll keep it in mind."
"You need to start early before they become uncontrollable." Her mother looked down at the baby. "How is he today?"
"Good, as usual."
"I hope you learn to do better with him. Why are the girls in their nightgowns already?"
Heidi shook her head. She’d really rather not tell her considering what she’d just said about her parenting. "They were out playing in the snow and it took me ages to get them inside and they had no coats on either. They got soaking wet. I only took my eyes off them for one minute. I managed to get them inside and into a warm bath." Heidi pressed her lips together wondering how those families with more than three children managed. "I didn't know you were coming here today."
“I'm worried about you with that bump on the head you had. Are you sure you're all right? Derek mentioned you were speaking in a weird manner and I didn't notice it at first but he was right, you are speaking in a different way ever since you had that fall."
"That's funny; I feel all right and even the doctor wasn’t concerned."
"Well, don't forget I'm not far away if you need help with the kinner. Maybe the girls could stay with me for a few days."
"Nee, that's fine. I can manage."
"Are you sure?"
Heidi nodded. "Perfectly sure." She wondered where her mother was going to be on Christmas day. Perhaps she was going to join them at Derek's parents’. She didn't ask in case she was already supposed to know.
"Okay, I'll just come right out and say it. I saw you upset when you were at my haus. I overheard what the girls said. You didn't even remember Dat had died. You had forgotten."
"It's true. I did suffer little bits of memory loss, and at that time I didn't realize that Dat had died. It was a weird thing, and it all came back to me in a rush."
"That's a sad thing to have to live over twice."
"Jah, it was horrible."
Mamm said, "I miss him a lot. Just because I don't talk about him doesn't mean I don't think about him."
Heidi nodded. "Of course, you were so well matched — well-suited."
"We were. We always knew we'd get married to each other, from when we were very young."
Heidi already knew the story. The community was much smaller back then, and since almost everybody in the community found marriage partners within the group, they grew up with the knowledge they’d most likely marry one another.
"It was all meant to be," Heidi said. “You were the girl next door.”
"I was. And then Gott needed him home."
"He did." Heidi looked down at her baby to see his eyes closing
.
Mamm said, "He sleeps so much. He’s either eating or sleeping."
Heidi laughed. "That's what babies do. This one, anyway. Can I make you a hot tea or anything?"
"I had one before I left home. Can I make you one?" Her mother stood up.
"Nee, I’m fine.”
“And what about the girls? Can I get them some milk and cookies?"
"That would be good. I’m glad you stopped by. You saved me from going out of my mind."
While the girls ate with their grandmother in the kitchen, Heidi put the diapers in the washing machine and then went back to talk with her mother.
When the diapers were washed, Heidi’s mother suggested that the best place to dry them was in front of the fire. Her mother helped her get the wooden drying racks from the laundry room and set them up near the fireplace. Then the girls helped them to arrange the diapers on the racks to dry. It might not have looked pretty, but at least they’d dry.
Later, when her mother had gone, she heard Derek come home. Heidi kept the children busy hoping they wouldn’t mention to their father that she’d been about to leave them.
The evening passed without the girls opening their mouths about Heidi.
It was right on bedtime when the girls wrapped their arms around her, and then Molly said, "I'm glad you stayed with us, Mamm."
"Me too," Jessica said.
Heidi quickly whisked the children upstairs and into their bedrooms hoping Derek hadn’t heard what was said.
After she had put the children to bed, tucked them in, and told them to stay put, she headed back down the stairs to Derek, who was sitting quietly reading. She made herself comfortable next to him.
“I’ve got those gifts ready for the girls.”
She sat up straight. “Gifts.”
“Jah, do you remember?”
“Of course I do.”
“Good. I’ve got all their gifts ready and hidden under a blanket on my workbench. Will you have time to wrap them?”
“Jah, I will. Denke.” He was such a good father and a good husband. She let her back sink into the couch, and looked into the fire. What gifts had they talked about? She was at least pleased that he’d arranged to get them. Finding time in her day to wrap them without the children seeing was an entirely different matter.
* * *
Waking up with a start, Heidi suddenly remembered what she was doing the night before she woke up in the house with Derek. She had fallen asleep while reading her grandmother’s travel and recipe diary. Could that diary have had something to do with her being there? It was worth a try, she considered. Tomorrow, she would pay her mother a visit and see if she could borrow the diary that had once belonged to her father’s mother, if Mamm still had it.
Heidi was still in the living room and Derek was no longer next to her. She glanced at the clock to see it was ten minutes past twelve. With her new plan giving her hope, she sat upright, folded the crocheted blanket and placed it over the back of the couch, and then crept quietly up the stairs.
Chapter 12
Thursday, December 21
* * *
The next morning, Heidi woke to see Derek pulling on his coat. He was fully dressed and even had on his hat.
“I’ve got to leave now,” he whispered when he glanced at her and saw her eyes open. “The children are still asleep and I’ve made a bottle for Michael. It just needs heating when he wakes.”
“Okay denke.”
“Ben’s picking me up, so you can use the buggy.”
“Denke.”
He gave her a quick kiss on her forehead, then left the room. Derek was such a gentle kind man and being with him seemed so right. So much so that she didn’t like keeping her other life a secret from him, but she had to. If only she’d met him in New York and he wasn’t an Amish man. Things could’ve been so different for them.
Wanting to make an early start to get her hands on Agnes’s diary, she got dressed and headed downstairs to prepare the children’s breakfast. After Molly and Jessica appeared in the kitchen, Michael cried out from his crib in the bedroom.
“There’s your bruder awake now.”
“I’ll get him.” Molly raced toward the stairs.
“Nee. You’re too small to carry him, and you’re certainly not going to carry him down the stairs. Go sit with your schweschder in the kitchen.”
Molly turned around and with downturned lips, said, “Can I give him his bottle?”
“Jah, you can do that. If you sit upright on the couch, hold him carefully and don’t move.”
When Heidi reached the crib, Michael was crying hard. “Oh, baby, don’t cry.” Once he was in her arms, he stopped crying. She gave him a quick kiss and then changed his diaper. “Dat could at least have done this before he left this morning.” She giggled. “Wake him up before he leaves next time, would you?”
Once she was back in the kitchen, she warmed the bottle and then walked back into the living room. She placed Michael on Molly’s lap with his bottle. “Keep still. No moving about.”
“I know how to do it, Mamm.”
Heidi sat next to her ready to grab the baby if he fell.
“Can I have a hold next?” Jessica asked, peering over Molly’s shoulder.
“Maybe when you’re a little bigger. Today we’re going to Mammi’s haus.”
“Again? We were there only the other night,” Molly said.
“Jah again. There was something I forgot to collect while I was there.”
“What is it?” asked Molly.
“It’s something very special that belonged to my Dat’s mudder.” Knowing she’d only be asked further questions, she added, “It’s a book, something like a diary. It has recipes in it and stories of her travels she made when she was a young woman.”
“How young, Mamm? Can you please tell me?” Jessica asked.
“A lot older than you.”
“Denke, Mamm,” Jessica said.
“I’ll take the boppli now, Molly, so you can eat at the kitchen table. Come on, let’s go.”
Once Heidi had the baby at the breakfast table, she held the baby in one arm while she ate breakfast with her other hand.
“Tell us more about the book, Mamm,” Jessica asked pushing back her light brown hair.
“It was before she was married that she made all the entries in it. I guess she was about sixteen. No, she would have had to be older than that to travel around by herself. She must’ve been eighteen or even twenty. Jah, I think about twenty.”
“That’s old,” Jessica said.
“Do you want it because you want to show it to us, Mamm?” Molly asked.
“I’ll show it to you if Mammi will allow me to borrow it.”
“She will. She’s kind like that.” Jessica said, sitting down cross-legged on the floor.
“Move onto the rug, Jessica.”
Jessica scooted over to the rug. A twinge of guilt ran through Heidi. She only wanted the book in the hope she’d be taken back to her other life, but that meant leaving the children behind when she was just getting to know them. Molly was the strong-willed one, that was quite plain to see. Jessica was gentler and was always careful to say please and thank you.
Heidi looked down at the baby in her arms. Michael had a good temperament and only cried when he needed feeding or changing. Something told Heidi that his good nature would be an advantage to him when he got older, with his two older sisters around. She was certain when he grew a little older, Molly would force him to play her games of make-believe, whether he liked it or not.
When the washing up was done and the girls fully dressed, Heidi propped the baby on the couch and left the two girls in charge while she headed outside to hitch the buggy. Soon they were on their way to her mother’s house, and since she didn’t know how to work the buggy heater, they were wrapped in blankets to keep out the cold.
Mornings in Lancaster County were so different from mornings in the city. The air was fresh and clean and there was not a pe
rson to be seen. A far cry from the crowded streets, police sirens, and car horns of New York City.
“I’m so cold. I can’t wait to get to Mammi’s haus and I hope she’s got the fire roaring,” Jessica said.
“She always does, even when it’s not cold,” Molly said.
Heidi glanced down at Molly. “Cover yourself with the blanket more.”
“Nee, I’m not cold. I don’t need to.”
“Really? You’re not cold?”
“Nee.”
Heidi recalled she'd been like that when she was a child. Everyone tried to force coats on her and she was always saying she wasn’t cold. It seemed some young children didn’t feel the cold as much as adults.
“I can see the smoke coming out of Mammi’s chimney,” Jessica squealed.
“Me too,” Molly said. “And I saw it first.”
“I did. Didn’t I, Mamm?”
“I don’t know who saw it first, I’m just glad Mammi feels the cold because I’m freezing.”
As soon as she pulled up the horse, the two girls climbed down and ran to knock on their grandmother’s door.
“Only one of you need knock,” Heidi called out as she picked up the baby. “Otherwise, you’ll drive Mammi crazy.”
“Is Mammi crazy?” Jessica asked just as Heidi's mother opened the door.
Her mother looked over at Heidi. “I’m crazy, am I? Is that what you think?”
As Heidi walked to the house, she was pleased to see her mother was smiling. The two girls were already inside. “I said their constant knocking would make you crazy. It sure would make me crazy.”
“It did give me a fright. Come in out of the cold.”
Once they were all sitting around the fire with hot chocolate, Heidi figured she better get to the point of why they were there. “Do you remember that old book of Agnes’s?”
“Nee. What book?”
Heidi’s heart sank. “She wrote it when she was a young girl. Dat showed it to me once. It has recipes and she wrote about her travels that she went on when she was young, before she married.”
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