Reaching Rachel

by LL Collins

  “Wake up,” Kayley said, louder this time. “Rachel.”

  Rachel blinked her eyes, lost in the haze of the nightmare she was having. Or was she awake now? She could hardly tell anymore. Her entire life seemed to be one big nightmare. She saw the setting sun through the window, and she knew she was.

  “Hey, sleepyhead,” a familiar voice came from behind her. Kayley.

  Turning onto her back, she saw her best friend sitting next to her, her big eyes trained on her in worry. “Kay.”

  Tears filling her eyes, Kayley leaned over and hugged her carefully. Even though she had seen Kayley many times since waking up in the hospital, she had spent much of her time there in a state of drugged sleep.

  “The kids can’t wait to see you, and Dev said your parents will be here soon. Can I help you get up?”

  Devin. His name caused the walls of her heart to constrict. He didn’t want her. “He doesn’t really love me, Kay. He’s here because he feels bad for me.”

  “Rachel.” It was the ‘best-friend-voice’. The one that told you in just one statement that you were being completely ridiculous. “Do you remember when Ben and I went through our rough patch? Do you remember being there, being my bodyguard?”

  Rachel smiled. Of course she remembered. “Yes.”

  “That’s what friends are for. To stick up for us when we need a guard dog to attack, but also to smack us and say that we are being silly when we are reading too much into a situation. You’ve been all that for me, and now I want the chance to be that for you. Let me tell you something. I know what happened earlier.”

  “He told you?” She moved her casted arm up to cover her eyes. “Oh my God.”

  Kayley gently moved her arm away from her face. “Stop. He only told me because he knows how much I love you and want to see you happy. He’s torn up, Rach. That man loves you so much. Please, stop doubting that. He has seen you go through something that most people never have to endure. You are strong. You’re getting through it, one day at a time. I know you will come out of it stronger than you’ve ever been. Devin is scared to lose you again. Do you trust me?”

  “With my life,” she answered, blinking back tears.

  “Then trust me when I say, he loves you. He wants you. In all ways. But remember, Rachel, you’ve used your body to forget all these years. I’m not saying that to hurt you, I’m saying it because you would say the same thing to me if I needed to hear it. You can’t forget by throwing yourself at Devin. You wouldn’t want your first time after being reacquainted to be like that. You need to get better, and you both have some major discussions to get through before you’re ready for that. I know what a man looks like when he’s in love, and honey, that man has had it bad for you for years. Don’t shut him out.”

  Rachel allowed her words to sink in. She was right, and had she really thought about it when it was happening, she would’ve known that. Devin sat by her bed for two weeks. He helped her to the bathroom, gave her medication, bathed her, and held her. He hadn’t deserved what she had said and done to him. “Kay,” her voice broke with emotion. “I’m so scared. I can’t control what my crazy head is doing to me. What if I never get better? I don’t want Devin to have to take care of me like this the rest of my life. He deserves better.”

  Kayley took her hands. “What he deserves is the woman he’s been madly and completely in love with for his whole adult life. You don’t get to tell Devin what he does or doesn’t deserve. That’s for him to decide. Do you love him?”

  Rachel nodded, tears dripping down her cheeks. Kayley wiped them away, then hugged her friend. “More than I want to admit.”

  “Then let this work out in its own time. Don’t rush things.”

  “You’re right,” Rachel said. “Thank you for being honest with me.”

  “My life was turned upside down,” Kayley reminded her gently. “Not in the same way, no. I can’t ever say I understand what you’re feeling. But, I never thought I’d get past it. Thanks to you, Emily, and my family, I did, and look where I am now. If I had laid in my bed like I wanted to, and shut myself off from everyone, I would’ve missed out on the rest of my life. Devin is your future. I know it. This is the second chance you never thought you were going to get. I mean, how ironic is it that he was the one that moved across the state and ended up being part of the team that saved your life? That just doesn’t happen, Rach.”

  Rachel looked her friend in the eyes, letting her words sink in to her soul. She had been so dumb, pushing him away like she did. Kayley was right. Rachel had told her so many times when she was going through losing her husband that she needed to move on, to let herself love again. Now she needed to listen to her own advice. “Can you tell him to come in for a minute?”

  Kayley stood, pressing a kiss to her friend’s forehead. “I love you, Rachel. I’m so glad you’re okay, and you will continue to just get better and better. With all of us around you, it’s only up from here.” Kayley walked out of the door, leaving Rachel with her thoughts.

  Devin. The love that she felt for him was all encompassing, and it scared her. He had the power to take the last piece of her and shatter her once and for all. The fact that he had come back into her life the way he had was amazing. It was almost like they were meant to be. Did that mean then that it was meant to be that she was almost killed by a psychotic boyfriend? She didn’t know if she could say that comfortably.

  Devin opened the door, causing her heart to trip over itself in anticipation. Wearing a snug tee and khaki shorts, his dark hair styled and his eyes looking at her intently, her mouth practically watered at the sight of him.

  She patted the bed next to her, and his eyes followed her motion. Without saying a word, he settled himself next to her. He leaned over and brushed his lips to hers, and she inhaled sharply at the kindness of his actions.

  “Dev,” she began, and he rubbed the fingers of her casted arm. “I’m sorry. You have done everything for me, and what I said wasn’t fair. I was completely out of line. I lashed out at you because I felt insignificant and ashamed.”

  Devin smiled, one side of his mouth quirking up like she loved. Her stomach flipped when his eyes traveled her lips, her breasts, her body, and back. “Rachel.” Even him saying her name caused tingles to shoot throughout her body. “I want you six ways to Sunday. There’s nothing, and I mean nothing I want more than to bury myself in your body. I want to take those amazing breasts in my mouth and tease them with my tongue. I wake up next to you wishing that I could taste you from top to bottom. I want you to taste me, to touch me, then to scream my name while you’re wrapped around me. It’s going to happen, and I’m going to count the days until it does. But right now I want to be here for you for all of the ways that I haven’t been. I want to smooth your hair back and calm you when you have a nightmare. I want to kiss you and show you how important you are to me. I want all of this, Rachel. Every single moment. So don’t think for a second that this is going to be too much for me, or that I’m just looking for an out. There’s no out. I will tell you how ever many times you need to hear it how much I love you. I’ll never get tired of saying it, because I almost didn’t get the chance to say it ever again.”

  Rachel squirmed, his words affecting her in more than one way. She didn’t deserve him; she really didn’t. Holding out his hand, she allowed him to help her up off the bed. Pressing her body against his, she hugged him as tightly as she could without the use of one of her arms. He pressed kisses to her head while his hands caressed her back. Leaning back to look at him in the eyes, she smiled, reaching her casted arm up to touch his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into her hand, kissing her palm. He leaned down and brushed her lips with his, and she whimpered.

  “Let’s go see your guests,” he said huskily, his thumb tracing her lips. “Before I lose all self-control.” He linked his fingers with hers and led her out of the bedroom.

  Rachel held her breath as Jessica stretched her shoulder, tears pricking behind her eyes. It ha
d been over a month since she had been released from the hospital, and she was now in physical therapy three times a week to help her shoulder from the gunshot. Her broken arm had healed nicely and she was now only wearing a brace to support it.

  She still hadn’t gone back to work, at her doctor’s and Devin’s insistence. She was still living with Devin, and still seeing Dr. Troast twice a week. Her nightmares were lessening in intensity, though she still had many moments of panic and fear. She was going to have to testify at Mark/Justin’s trial coming up soon, and that always kept the memories right underneath the surface. She was going to have to get up in front of an entire room of people, including him, and tell everyone what he did to her.

  The prosecutor was hoping that they could find other victims of

  Mark/Justin’s after Rachel was able to tell them names that he had said during her assault, and that the woman still in the coma in Alabama would wake up so they could nail him for life. All Rachel wanted to do was forget that he ever existed.

  Her parents had gone back home after Christmas, reassured that Rachel was in good hands with Devin. And oh, was she ever. They had had a great Christmas, quiet but important for them as a couple. He still hadn’t made love to her, and it was killing her. Most of the time, however, they spent getting to know each other again, and he still spent a majority of his time being her guardian. He was busy at work; after he had gone back he had practically been working around the clock on some crazy cases, none of which he could even tell her about. The one thing they still didn’t talk about was the one thing she knew he wanted to know the most. She was taking advantage of the fact that he was too afraid of her mental state to bring it up, and she knew it. She wished she could ignore that they needed to have that conversation at all.

  “You okay?” Jessica asked, noticing the grimace on Rachel’s face. Sweat popped out on her forehead as she stretched her shoulder past her comfortable point. “Stop holding your breath.”

  Rachel blew out her breath, concentrating on exhaling instead of the pain radiating throughout her shoulder. “That hurts like hell.”

  “No pain, no gain,” Jessica joked. “You’ve made a lot of progress just this week. Keep doing your at-home exercises. Has Devin been helping you?”

  “I wish he would help me with another kind of exercise,” Rachel groaned, rotating her arm back and forth.

  Jessica laughed. “Please tell me he has a hot brother.”

  Rachel sat up, readjusting her ponytail. “Nope. No such luck. He has three sisters.”

  Jessica scoffed. “Seriously. No wonder he’s such a good boyfriend. He grew up with girls to teach him. Ok, I’ll see you on Friday. Take care of yourself. Is he waiting out there for you?”

  Rachel nodded, winking at her friend. Jessica was an insufferable flirt and while she had apologized profusely for urging Rachel to continue her relationship with Justin, she loved ogling Devin.

  “Lucky bitch,” Jessica teased. “Maybe as a form of payment I should require him to sit in the therapy room with you so I can stare at him.”

  “Jess!” Rachel laughed, and it felt good to let loose a little, pretend for a moment that she wasn’t a mess. “He’s mine, girl. All mine.”

  “Don’t I know it,” she grumbled good-naturedly. “I could probably parade in front of him naked and he wouldn’t even see me.” They continued to laugh as she pushed open the door that led to the waiting room. As he heard her, he stood up, a smile breaking out on his face when he saw her expression. She was laughing.

  “How’d it go?” Devin reached out, grabbing her hand and lacing her fingers with his.

  “She’s doing great,” Jessica explained. “She needs to continue doing her exercises and I’ll see her Friday.”

  Devin opened the car door for Rachel, and she slid into the cool leather seat, resting her head back on the seat and closing her eyes.

  “It’s ridiculous how tired I get,” Rachel complained as Devin pulled the car out of the center. “I just want to get well again and get back to my life. And you want to know what the first thing is I want to do when my arm is healed?”

  “What’s that?”

  “Go for a ride on your bike. I miss it. I want to feel the wind in my hair. I want us to take a ride just for the hell of it. And I want to stop at a secluded place and make out, like we used to.”

  Devin grinned. “Baby, you can have anything you want whenever you’re ready. We can take the bike wherever you want. You know I’m always up for making out, too.” He reached across and took her hand. “Look how far you’ve come.” She knew he wasn’t just talking about the physical therapy. The sessions with Dr. Troast were helping her through the major setbacks caused by her PTSD. She was now looking forward to the future, not just dwelling on what had happened.

  “Tell me about what to expect at the trial.”

  Devin sighed. “Let’s hope that it never has to get to that point. Honestly.”

  “If it does,” she continued. “I’m going to have to get in front of him and tell everyone in the court room what he did to me, right?”

  He wished he could change this answer for her. “Yes.”

  “And the defense will try to make it seem like I’m a lying, whoring bitch, right?” She didn’t look at him. She couldn’t.

  When Devin didn’t answer, she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He was gripping the steering wheel, his mouth a thin line. “Dev?”

  “Don’t say that about yourself,” he gritted out. “They will try to trip you up, make you seem like you were confused, or you don’t remember what happened. What we need is either some other women to come forward, or that one in Alabama to wake up. As it is, they have enough on him to keep him for a good while. We want him in there for life, though, with no chance of parole. I don’t ever want the possibility of running across that sick fuck again.”

  He pulled into a restaurant parking lot and swung the car into a spot. “What are we doing?” Rachel asked.

  “I want to take you out. We’ve spent the last month holed up in the house, and I want you to see that I’m not just here to take care of you. I know that you are doubting that I’ll be content being here. It’s time to start dating again. So, let’s go eat. My treat.”

  Rachel laughed, and it felt great. Her stomach fluttered in anticipation like it used to when she and Devin first started dating all those years ago. He winked at her, leaning over and taking her lips forcefully. Sucking her bottom lip into his mouth, he slid his tongue inside her mouth, tasting her. Cupping her neck with his hand, he pulled her closer, nipping her top lip with his teeth as he continued the assault on her mouth.

  Tilting her face, she deepened the kiss, twinges shooting all over her body. Happy that both of her arms were finally free, she put her hands on either side of his face. Feeling the slight stubble he had at this time of day, the outline of his chiseled face, and his thick neck, she then ran her hands into his hair, pulling him as close as he could get. As he pulled back slightly, scraping his teeth along her bottom lip, his eyes locked with hers, and she almost gasped at the look in his eyes. Pure, raw need and desire poured from his eyes. Using his thumb to trace her bottom lip, all she could do was stare at him as her body tried to come back to earth.

  “God,” Devin breathed. “I can’t wait to make love to you, Rachel. It was always fabulous, but I have the feeling …”

  “Can we order take out?” Rachel interrupted, her voice husky with the want that was still coursing through her veins. “I’m ready, Dev. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted you in my life. Please.”

  Devin’s eyes darkened at her words, and he looked at her intently. Her wide green eyes were fixated on his. Electricity crackled between them. He thought for sure that if he reached out and touched her, a spark would fly. His mouth was dry and his heart was pounding. What he wanted to do was peel out of that parking lot as fast as he could, burning rubber all the way. But he had to play it cool.

  He touched her leg, tracing his
finger up her thigh. “Let’s go in and get some dinner. Then, we’ll have dessert at home.”

  Rachel groaned, fluttering her eyes closed as he teased her. He didn’t say no. A smile lifted her lips, and she put her hand on his firm chest, tracing his muscles. “Devin Putnam.” Her voice was so low she almost didn’t recognize it. His eyes watched her, fixated. She leaned over so her mouth was right next to his ear, then whispered exactly what she would do at that moment if he would let her.

  “Damn,” Devin breathed. “You expect me to go in there after that? That was part of your plan, wasn’t it?”

  “Take out,” Rachel teased, running her tongue along his ear, then down to his neck. “We won’t even need plates.”

  She didn’t have to say another word. Devin revved the engine, peeling out of the parking lot, already dialing the Chinese place on the corner by his house.

  Walking in the house, Rachel felt like her body was in overdrive. The whole drive home, they had been touching each other, kissing at stoplights, and acting like they hadn’t been together in years. Because they hadn’t. That was going to end. Right now.

  “Food?” Rachel raised her eyebrow, holding the bag of Chinese they had picked up. Devin took the bag from her hand and set it on the kitchen counter. Taking her by the hand, he leaned her backwards and began kissing her neck, nipping and licking until he reached her lips.

  “I didn’t even think I was going to make it home without stopping and giving you what you were asking for. The only reason I did is that after all this time, I wasn’t taking you in the car. But, oh my god, Rachel Dawson. I’ve been a good boy for the last month, letting you heal. I’m not going to be good tonight. I’m going to do everything, and I mean everything that I’ve wanted to do. So I want something to eat, but it isn’t Chinese food.”

  Rachel’s stomach clenched, but she realized that it was in anticipation and desire, not in fear. It was a great feeling. She wrapped her arms around his waist, tipping her face up to kiss him again. She was pretty sure she could kiss him for the rest of her life and never tire of those lips, that tongue, and the feeling of his body touching hers. She lifted his shirt so she could feel the bare skin of his taut muscles. Running her fingernails along the ripples, then down to the waistband of his pants, she hesitated. She was always so confident, knowing exactly what she wanted from men and how to play them. But this was different. This was Devin, and she had to do this right.