Kendall was loyal, and he hoped her sister appreciated just how much she was willing to sacrifice. And she was emotionally strong. Even if she didn’t comprehend that, Julian saw all she’d been through and overcome without bitterness or anger.
She had attributes he wanted in a partner, even if he hadn’t known he was looking for one. And apparently, just as he figured it out, he was in jeopardy of losing her.
“Maybe it’s Karma reaching out to bite me in the ass,” Julian muttered. “I used her, hurt her, and now that I can’t live without her, I might just have to.” His chest contracted painfully.
Nick eyed him seriously. “The solution seems obvious to me. Are you going to sit around and let fate and Kade Barnes dictate what happens in your life?”
Julian blinked at his friend’s blunt, astute comment. Just like that, the solution came to him, bursting through his brain.
“Like hell I am.” Looked like it was time for him to pay his one-time friend a visit and have his say.
Chapter Twelve
Early the next morning, while Kendall was on her way to Maryland, Julian walked into the chrome-accented office space of Blink, located in a renovated garage in Soho. Just as he’d expected, his arrival made waves because he’d shown up here before—during his asshole days—and people knew Kade didn’t want anything to do with him.
Whispers and stares greeted him as he walked across the open floor plan. He did his best to ignore them and headed for where he saw Lexie standing. As she was her husband’s personal assistant, Julian wasn’t shocked when he had to get past her to see his one-time friend.
He strode up to the desk where Lexie stood, arms folded across her chest. For all that she and Kendall were twins, Julian would know his girl in a heartbeat. The woman dressed in a pencil skirt and white blouse, giving him the wary eye, wasn’t her.
Lexie rose to her feet, rocking back on her heels. “Well, this is a surprise.”
“I can’t imagine it is,” he said calmly but firmly. “Do you really think I’m going to let Kendall fight my battles for me? I’d like to see Kade. Please.”
A flicker of something lit her gaze. Admiration or respect were probably too strong, but on some level, he’d shocked her.
“You’re going to stress him out,” she said, concerned for her husband and the anxiety they both knew would be triggered by this confrontation.
“Probably,” he agreed.
She frowned at that. “My sister must have strong feelings for you or else she wouldn’t put all of us in this position.”
Julian hoped Kendall loved him, too. But that wasn’t something he planned on mentioning to her twin before he’d ever had a chance to tell Kendall.
“Are you going to announce me?” he asked with a raised brow. “Or do I get the honor of surprising Kade?”
She narrowed her gaze and blew out a long breath. “I’ll be right back.” She walked into her husband’s office, closing the door behind her.
He glanced around, relieved neither Derek nor Lucas seemed to be at the office. Assistants huddled around their desks chatting and whispering, but no sign of the other co-founders. He was grateful for the reprieve. Julian would rather deal with one old pal at a time.
He’d have his hands full enough with Kade. Back in college, Julian had been closest with him, which was why the rift was probably the greatest between them now. But it was past time to make amends, not only because of his feelings for Kendall but because he was genuinely sorry for putting Kade through the shit he had. He’d had an immediate bond with Kade, and in retrospect, Julian should have gone to him with his problems. Life would have been a hell of a lot different if he had. But if there was one thing AA had taught him, it was that there was no looking back. Only apologizing, learning, and going forward.
A few short minutes later, which felt more like an uncomfortable hour, Lexie stepped out and motioned for him to join her. “Come on in.”
He stepped toward her. “I don’t mean anyone any harm, Lexie.” He wanted Kendall’s sister and Kade’s wife to understand this wasn’t a game to him. This was his life, too.
She grasped his arm in a desperate grip. “I hope you mean that, because you’re talking about the two most important people in my life.”
He believed her. He just wasn’t sure she gave Kendall, the new Kendall, enough credit. “If you love your sister as much as you claim, you’ll start to trust her judgment and let her make her own decisions.” And on that note, he passed her by and walked into Kade’s office.
He came face-to-face with his old friend. Dressed in a pair of faded jeans and an old light blue tee shirt, Kade stood by his aluminum desk, rubbing the face of his watch with his thumb. A soothing gesture to his OCD. Kade had always found those.
“Ever since I heard the news that Lexie found you with Kendall, I wondered if you’d have the balls to show up here,” Kade said by way of opening their conversation.
Julian shook his head at the man’s insinuation. He’d been a lot of things. He never wanted to be a coward.
He met Kade’s hostile gaze head on and offered up the one thing he’d never given him. “I’m sorry.”
There weren’t two words more difficult to say.
Kade ran a hand over his short hair, eyeing Julian warily. “Lexie told me about your mother’s accident, your sister’s injury.”
Leave it to Kade to go right for the kill.
“What the fuck, Julian? Why didn’t you just tell me? Or any one of us? You know damn well we would have been there for you, no questions asked. No judgment given.”
Julian swallowed hard. It was easy to look back and think what he should have done. Back in the day, he could have turned to Kade, Derek, or Lucas. Instead he’d chosen to go it alone.
He’d also had his reasons. “I’m not saying your life was easy, but you had a father who’d do anything to make sure you succeeded. Who stood by you, even if you didn’t like his methods,” he reminded his old friend.
Hell, Kade’s father had paid for a cover-up of a date rape accusation for a crime that his son hadn’t even committed, just to be safe.
“I, on the other hand, had a mother whose poor choices and lack of caring led to her death and my sister’s traumatic brain injury.” There couldn’t be a starker difference between their families. “And you can’t understand why I was too embarrassed to share? Or why I turned to drugs to make me forget?”
Kade leaned a hip against the desk, no judgment in his gaze. Just a cool detachment that hurt.
“I can understand your reasons. Doesn’t mean I have to like them. Tragedy happens. But it’s not an excuse for what you did to me, to the guys, and to Kendall.”
On that they agreed. “No, it’s not. And if you’d let me finish, you’d know that’s exactly how I feel.”
Kade jerked his head up.
“I’m an addict,” he admitted, the words difficult to say but necessary to his continued recovery. And though he normally accepted the label, today it hurt like hell to bare his soul.
“I’m in recovery,” he went on. “And have been for a long time. I’ve come to terms with the things I did, and I regret them. I don’t make excuses. So I’m here to say I’m sorry for everything I did. From bailing on Blink to the dirty, underhanded tactics I used against you. And most of all, for hurting Kendall.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked on his feet.
Waiting as silence fell between them and Kade digested Julian’s words.
“Okay. Let’s say I believe you mean those things,” Kade said cautiously. “Apologies and regrets don’t make you the right person for Kendall.”
Julian shook his head. “And you think it’s fair that somehow you’ve become the judge and jury of who she sees and what makes her happy?” There was an arrogance there he didn’t see a reason to point out right now. “Kendall feels like she owes Lexie, and she wants her sister’s approval so badly she’ll give up her own happiness to ensure she doesn’t hurt or disappoint her. How is tha
t fair to Kendall?”
Kade pushed himself off the desk and strode toward the big window behind him. He stared out at the city, as if looking for answers.
“Look, I’m not asking for your forgiveness or your friendship.” Okay that was a lie, Julian thought, because he would embrace both. He just knew better than to believe either could ever happen. “I’m just asking that you don’t pressure Kendall. Let her make her own choices and trust the decisions she makes.”
“And leave it to you to fuck it up on your own?” Kade asked. “I can do that.”
Asshole. Julian straightened his shoulders defensively. “I just might surprise you,” he muttered. “And I hear congratulations are in order. I wish you and Lexie all the best,” he said, forcing out the words that he meant, even if Kade’s attitude bugged him.
“Thank you.”
Julian turned and walked out the door.
His heart pounded hard in his chest, the emotions flowing through him too many and varied to name or parse out. A part of him understood Kade’s honest skepticism, but dammit, would a break be too much to ask for?
Apparently so.
As long as he and Lexie gave Kendall the space to decide what she wanted, Julian considered it a win. He’d given Kade something to think about. That was all he could do for now.
As for himself, he’d just have to prove Kade wrong and show the other man how much he cared for Kendall. That this time he wasn’t out to hurt her.
* * *
Kendall might have been grateful for the chance to get away, but she missed Julian. She missed the easy give-and-take between them. She’d loved spending her evenings with him and sometimes Alex. There’d been no pressure between them. No worry about what the other person was thinking. She didn’t have to worry about whether or not he’d call.
He always did.
They automatically knew they’d pick an apartment and be together in the evenings, unless she had therapy or he had AA or an appointment.
She’d ruined that.
She hadn’t gone home with him after dinner with Alex, and he’d taken that to mean she needed space. She’d told him she was leaving for Maryland in the morning, and she hadn’t heard from him. Not a phone call or a text.
What did she expect? By changing their routine, by rejecting his offer to come over, hadn’t she all but asked for that space? She had. And she didn’t like it one bit. Nor did she reach out, because she just didn’t know what to say.
At their sister shelter, she found a group of dogs that had been kept in an elderly woman’s apartment. She’d hoarded the dogs, then passed away. They’d come into the shelter dirty, matted, hungry, sad, and pathetic.
They’d since been groomed and checked out by a vet, and there were so many it broke her heart. But in this group, she saw potential. Friendly dogs, loving animals who just wanted to please. She’d keep an eye on a few and maybe be able to suggest them for Lauren and Brian, and one in particular for Alyssa. Time would tell if they got along with other animals, if they were good with children, if they could be trained into an easygoing emotional-support dog.
She’d love to share all this news with Julian, but she couldn’t. And not because he wasn’t reaching out on his own. No, she couldn’t tell him because it wasn’t fair to get his hopes up that they could return to their old relationship if she was just going to have to walk away, breaking both their hearts.
So she pushed her own wants aside and dove into work at the Maryland shelter for the weekend, sticking to her personal vow of radio silence.
Until she could figure out how Lexie and Kade felt. And what she wanted and needed to do.
* * *
Julian buried himself in work. He set up calls with people who wanted to hire him and continued work with existing clients. If he didn’t have a personal life, he could damn well focus on his business. The only drawback to the productive weekend was a persistent visitor.
Billy.
For a guy who wasn’t very brotherly, in his own words, he sure as hell seemed to want to be with his sister. On Friday night, Alex was home and Julian had no choice but to let Billy in. He hung out for an hour, and Julian refused to leave him alone with Alex, which, he could tell, annoyed the other man to no end.
Julian didn’t care. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Billy wanted something more… and he was determined to make sure he didn’t get it.
On Saturday, Billy returned. From his clear displeasure when Julian opened the door, he obviously didn’t realize Julian worked out of the house and would always be home.
He arrived with his eyes bloodshot and bleary. He was hungover and not a sight he would want Alex to see.
“Where’s my sister?” he asked, leaning against the frame.
“Working. You know, at a job?” Julian asked with sarcasm. Something Billy knew nothing about. He doubted the other man would try to find decent employment no matter what the court system dictated.
Billy frowned. “Where’s she work?”
That was on a need-to-know basis, and Billy didn’t need to know. “She doesn’t need to be disturbed at work. If she wants you to know, she’ll tell you.” Julian kept a hand on the partially open door.
Billy shoved a sneakered foot in the door. “You can’t keep my sister from me.”
“I’m not. She’s not here. And you said you weren’t the brotherly type, so what gives? Why the hell are you hanging around?” Julian asked.
“None of your damn business.” Billy spun and walked away, and Julian did what he’d been itching to do since he’d opened the door.
Slammed it closed.
Saturday night Julian took Alex out for dinner. She’d sensed his bad mood, and he’d already told her Kendall was away working this weekend, so she was smart enough not to bring up the subject again. He convinced her they should put their phones away so they could talk over their meal. Better for him because he obviously wasn’t going to hear from Kendall while she was gone and he needed a distraction.
After they finished dinner at a Mexican restaurant, Julian decided to broach a subject he wasn’t sure Alex had given any consideration.
“So have you thought about college?” He caught her mid-sip of soda, and she choked on the liquid. “Sorry. You okay?” he asked.
She nodded, her eyes watering a little. “Yes. And to answer your question, I decided there was no way I could afford it.”
She didn’t meet his gaze, and his heart squeezed tight in his chest. “What if you could? What if I helped you?”
He’d given this a lot of thought, and his business was flourishing. High-six-figure flourishing. He didn’t have that many expenses now that Alyssa was funded by the trust.
When he’d mentioned it to Alyssa, which he’d done because he didn’t want his sister to find out and be upset she wasn’t told, Alyssa had been excited for Alex. She’d also insisted they dip into the trust because there was money there that Julian had allocated for college, that Alyssa hadn’t used.
Julian hadn’t made any decisions about going that route.
And he wanted to give this sweet girl a good start in life. God knew, she’d come out of a rough situation with more grace than many people would have managed to have. He admired her.
“I couldn’t.”
But in her wide eyes, he saw something he hadn’t noticed there since he’d met up with her on the street.
Hope.
“But I can and I’m offering.” He reached out and clasped her cold hand.
“Why?” she asked.
That was an easy answer. “Because I couldn’t do it for my sister. The accident changed the course of her life. Let me do this for you. An education is important to whatever you want to do in life.” And he wanted to get her away from lowlives like her brother.
She sniffed and grabbed a napkin, wiping her eyes. “I don’t understand why you’re so good to me.”
“I feel … like I should have done more for you when Billy went to jail. That if I was clean at the
time, and hadn’t been so selfish, I’d have offered to help you out anyway. You could have avoided foster care. So please let me do this. You’ll be helping me, too.” He’d feel less guilty for abandoning her to the system.
She jumped up, came around to his side of the table, and hugged him tight. “Thank you. Just … thank you.”
He grinned, his throat full. “You’re welcome.” He felt damned good about how this conversation had gone.
Even if his love life was in the toilet, he’d just changed the course of Alex’s life. And about that, he could feel proud.
* * *
Sunday morning, Julian took Steve for a long walk, and when he returned, Billy was just leaving, walking out the front door of the building. He didn’t stop to talk, meeting up with a group of dirty-looking guys on the corner.
He rushed upstairs and let himself inside to find Alex standing in the hallway, looking shaken and upset.
He unhooked the dog’s leash, and Steve ran for his water bowl.
Julian grasped Alex’s elbow and led her to the couch, where he sat down, pulling her beside him. “What’s wrong?”
If Billy had said or done anything to upset her, Julian would strangle him.
“I can’t say.” She attempted to stand, but he called her name.
“Alex, wait. What did you Billy do to upset you?”
She bit down on her lip so hard she drew blood.
He clenched his hands into fists. “Alex?
A sob escaped her throat. “He wants me to sell drugs. To find kids who want some and send them to him. He’d be their dealer.”
Her voice cracked, and it took all of Julian’s self-control not to lose it in front of the upset girl.
He blew out a long breath and sighed. “What did you tell him?”
She shook as she answered. “To go away and leave me alone. But he said I owed him. That he gave me a place to sleep and paid for my food when I was younger and now it was time for payback.” Tears dripped down her face.
Going in Deep Page 14
