He ran a shaking hand through his hair. He hadn’t thought of himself during all this because blaming her family, giving her what she needed seemed easier than facing his own failings. And Lord knew he had many.
After promising he’d never hurt her again, that was exactly what he’d done. In the name of what was best for her.
But did the reasons really matter? The end result was inevitable at some point in the future anyway. Thanks to Lexie. And Kade. In time Kendall would realize he’d done her a favor. She’d have her family, her twin, her life. And he’d be alone.
Fuck.
He wished he had another glass within reach that he could throw against the damned wall. He didn’t. So instead of more destruction, instead of finding someone like Billy for a fix, he grabbed his keys and headed to a meeting.
Because the only way he had a chance of keeping what was left of his life together was to stay on his current path and stay clean.
Even if he was alone.
* * *
Kendall headed directly home from Julian’s, operating on autopilot, not letting herself think or feel, because if she did, she’d break down in the cab on the way to her apartment. She somehow managed to wait until she was safely inside before she let the pain go.
She leaned back against the door and slid to the floor, crying big, gulping, heaving sobs. She braced her arms on her knees, resting her head and allowing all the feelings she’d held back to surface.
Waffles, who’d come bounding over to greet her, licked her face and her tears with her rough tongue. Kendall was so heartbroken she couldn’t even bring herself to laugh at her dog’s antics. Instead she pulled Waffles close, taking comfort in her soft fur and warm body.
How had things fallen apart so badly? Probably a stupid question. A part of her had known all along it would end this way, but she’d been in denial, wanting to think her twin would choose Kendall’s happiness over the bitterness and anger of Kade and Julian’s ugly past. Especially when both Lexie and Kade saw how much Julian had changed. But they wouldn’t even consider the possibility.
And then Julian had taken himself out of the relationship without even giving them a chance to face the world together. Come what may.
As she’d stood in that office and listened to Kade and Lexie basically undermine her judgment, her self-esteem, the very core of who she was today, she’d known. If push came to shove, if she had to choose, she’d pick Julian. She’d even warned her twin not to put her in that position.
Because Kendall deserved a happy, fulfilling life as much as her sister did. And when she’d almost lost Kade thanks to Kendall, what had Lexie done? She’d decided it was time to live her own life.
Kendall had wanted to do the same. And she’d intended to tell Julian just that. She’d even started to try—until he’d done the same thing her twin had. He’d taken her choices away from her.
Despite the fact that he, of all people, understood what it was like to fight to come back from rock bottom, to be a new and different person, capable of making good, strong decisions, he’d ended things.
Because he was afraid. She’d seen it in his eyes, his expression when he’d let her go. It had been easier to break things off now than to go through the fire together. Maybe he didn’t trust they were strong enough to come out the other side. Or maybe he just didn’t believe in himself.
She was so disappointed in him.
So hurt.
So destroyed.
Because he loved her… and she loved him, too, very much, and yet he hadn’t given her a chance to even say the words before he’d ripped everything she wanted in life away from her.
She wiped her tears on her bare arms and rose to her feet, heading to the bathroom for a tissue. Somehow, she made it through the rest of the day. It helped that she did a grocery run and returned with pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream to binge on in her despair.
Her cell rang, and a quick glance told her it was Lexie calling. Kendall had nothing to say to her sister, so she sent the call directly to message. She needed to calm down before she could have a rational conversation with her twin.
When the texts began coming in, too, Kendall shut off her cell. She knew Julian meant what he said and he wouldn’t be texting or calling to say he’d changed his mind. So she didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.
She cried herself to sleep, and by the next morning, a healthy anger at Lexie and Kade and Julian had taken over the pain and crying. She was furious at their audacity to make decisions for her. To run her life. To not believe in her enough.
But she still had a job to do, so she headed to work and spent the morning in the back rooms of the shelter cleaning out the stalls with a garden hose. There were a lot of unglamorous parts of the job, and she did them all. She didn’t object to the mindless chore. Someone had to clean and it gave her time to think.
Except today there was nothing she wanted to dwell on. Josie sensed her mood, asked her if she wanted to talk, and when Kendall declined, she left her to her own thoughts.
After she finished in the stalls, she returned to the front office to complete more of the paperwork from the dog transfers this past weekend.
When her cell rang, her instinct was to automatically send it to voice mail, but instead she glanced down, surprised to see Alex’s name on the screen.
“Hello?” Kendall asked, resting an elbow on the desk as she spoke.
“Hi, Kendall?”
“Hi, Alex. How are you?” she asked.
“Umm, good. Listen, you said I could come to you for anything, right?” Her voice sounded uncertain.
“Of course. What’s up?”
Alex cleared her throat. “A guy asked me out, I said yes, and now I have nothing to wear on the date,” she said in a rush, as if she was embarrassed and had to spit out all the information at once, before she lost her nerve. “I never really had someone to help me with girl stuff. Would you come shopping with me?”
Relieved it was something so easy, Kendall answered immediately. “Of course I’ll go with you.” Considering it could have been a call about Alex’s brother, Kendall considered this request a win.
She’d be happy to help Alex find something for a date. Not only would it boost the young girl’s self-esteem to have something new and pretty, the shopping trip would be a great distraction for Kendall. One she needed badly.
“Thank you,” Alex said on a huge, relieved exhale. “I mean, I couldn’t ask Julian to go with me, that would be so weird, and I had no idea what to buy if I went alone.”
Kendall laughed, ignoring the pang in her chest at just the mention of Julian’s name. She wondered if Alex knew they’d broken up. Regardless, she was glad the young girl felt comfortable enough to turn to her when she needed something.
“When can you go?” Kendall asked.
They made plans for tomorrow night after they both got off work, and Kendall disconnected the call.
Her life might have gone to hell, but at least Alex’s was looking up.
* * *
A week had gone by since Julian let Kendall walk out of his life. Technically he’d sent her away. And he was still wrestling with why he’d done it. Who he was protecting? Her? Or himself?
He didn’t like the answer he came up with, but he was no closer to knowing how to fix the mess he’d made of his life.
He wasn’t in the mood for a meal now, but Nick insisted they meet at the place they usually chose after a meeting.
The man always knew when Julian was floundering. Everyone should have such a solid friend.
“So you fucked things up with Kendall?” Nick asked bluntly before he even sat down. He settled into the booth and eyed Julian with concern.
“What makes you think that?”
Nick set both arms on the table and leaned forward. “I haven’t heard from you in a week, and you canceled dinner Sunday night by calling Lauren and leaving a message on her cell. None of which is like you. So something’s wrong, and the
only thing I can come up with is Kendall. She’s the one with the power to hurt you.”
“And yet you think I’m the one who fucked it up?”
“Did you?” Nick asked.
“Yes. In a big way.” Julian ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t slept. I’ve barely eaten. I just—”
Nick picked up a butter knife and twirled it in his hands. “Slow it down and tell me. I’ll understand. Because if you think my road to happiness with my wife was easy, you’re wrong. I was an alcoholic from the time I was in my teens. She had a lot to put up with before and after I sobered up. So I understand mistakes better than most.”
“Can I take your order?” the waitress who had walked over to the table asked.
“Please give us a minute,” Julian said. He waited until she stepped away and glanced at Nick. “I broke it off because Kade will never come around. He hired a PI to check up on me and will do anything to keep me away from her. If I stayed, it would be like forcing her to choose between me and her twin. Nobody should have to do that, especially not Kendall.” Not when friends were hard to come by and she had her own struggles in life.
“Hmm. And what did she say about this… magnanimous, asinine gesture?” Nick asked, calling it as he saw it.
As it was.
Julian winced. “She all but called me a coward.”
Nick burst out laughing. “I knew I liked that girl.” He sobered, his smile leaving his face. “Now tell me why you really sent her away.”
Julian roughly exhaled. “Didn’t you ever hear of preemptive behavior? It was going to come to this eventually. I just did it before she resented me, not after.” The words sounded thick and untrue on his tongue.
Nick shook his head. “Really?” He obviously didn’t buy it, either.
“No. I mean I don’t want her to have to choose. It hurts me to think of doing that to her, but that’s not the main reason I ended things. I did it because it’s going to hurt a fuck of a lot more when she ultimately walks away the longer we stay together.”
“Aha. So you are a coward.” Nick pointed at him accusingly with the butter knife.
“Fuck you.”
“For being right?”
And that was why Nick was such a reliable friend. Julian could count on him to hit him where it hurt and make him face a truth that had been circling in his head all week.
Julian groaned. “To make matters worse, I haven’t called her in a week. I thought I was doing us both a favor but damn. I fucked up. I miss her. And I don’t want Kade dictating how I live my life. Nobody should have that kind of power over another human being. I screwed up, but I don’t deserve that kind of punishment forever.”
“No, they shouldn’t,” Nick agreed. “But as for Kade, I’m not sure he’s the villain you’re making him out to be. Put yourself in his place. Your sister-in-law comes to you and says trust me, this guy who screwed you over is really a good man. You’re going to just buy into it?”
“No.” Julian pinched the bridge of his nose. He had to make this better.
He needed Kendall in his life, and she needed him in hers.
“You have a plan?” Nick asked.
Julian rolled his head, the muscles in his neck and shoulders stiff. Although he’d waited a week, though he’d wallowed in self-pity, in the back of his mind, he’d known all along what he needed to do.
He’d just needed time to put the pieces together in his mind, to work out his own demons in his head. “I plan to let Kade know I’m not going to back down—and that I mean it this time. That I’m in it for the long haul. That’s the only way to prove I’m the man I say I am.”
“And then?” Nick asked, an approving grin on his face.
“I’ll go get my girl.”
Chapter Fourteen
Shopping with an eighteen-year-old girl was not for the weak. Together Kendall and Alex hit many small boutique stores in Soho that were reasonably priced and some better-known chain stores. Alex tried on more clothes than Kendall owned—and shopping sprees had been her Achilles’ heel during her improperly or unmedicated days. Her father had paid off many a ridiculous bill, she thought, flushing with pained embarrassment at the memory.
Finally Alex chose a floral summer dress with a halter top and a pair of sandals with a chunky high heel. She was riding the high of success Kendall remembered well but no longer felt. She was just happy and living vicariously through Alex’s excitement for her date.
When they parted ways, they were still downtown. Alex headed uptown to the library to work, and Kendall decided, since she was in the neighborhood, to pay her sister and her brother-in-law a visit.
She’d managed to cut Lexie short whenever she called this past week, needing time to nurse her anger and hurt and to think about what she wanted to say and how she wanted to handle the situation before she just blurted out mean-spirited things she couldn’t take back and really didn’t mean. Her therapy appointments had also helped put things into perspective.
She was still hurt by Julian. Incredibly hurt, but her anger had dissipated in light of serious thought and understanding. He had his issues like she did. And she knew he was afraid she’d choose her sister over him.
After all, she’d pulled away and spelled out her deep need not to disappoint her twin. He was just giving her what she thought she needed… also reacting to his own fears and a healthy dose of uncertainty and distrust of people in general, Kade especially.
Did she blame him for breaking up with her if he really loved her like he claimed? Yes, yes she did. But a part of her understood the need to do it before what he thought was inevitable happened—she left him—and it hurt even more.
She’d given him a week and was debating going over to see him and make him confront what was between them. If he really did love her, how could he walk away?
But first she had something to settle with her sister and brother-in-law.
When she arrived at Blink, Lexie was in Kade’s office with the door open, so Kendall knocked.
“Come on in,” Kade called.
“Kendall!” Lexie was on her feet and hugging her before Kendall could draw a breath, her arms holding on tight.
Kendall swallowed an onslaught of emotion and wrapped her arms around her sister, too.
“I’m sorry,” Lexie said. “We went too far and I’m sorry.” Her voice wobbled with the same emotion running through Kendall.
“I wouldn’t say too far but… I’m sorry I upset you,” Kade said, sounding like the words were pulled from him but no less heartfelt. She didn’t expect him to regret his intrusive behavior. It was his way of looking out for her even if she didn’t like it.
“Thank you,” she murmured.
Kendall stepped away from her twin and brushed at her damp eyes. “I came to tell you guys a few things, and I need you to hear me.”
“I’m listening,” Lexie assured her. She stepped over to Kade, lacing her hand through his and clearly giving him a squeeze.
“Of course I’m listening. And I’m hearing you,” he promised.
Kendall smiled in thanks and turned to her sister. “Okay, well, first, you should know I will always be eternally grateful for all you did for me, all you sacrificed, and all you gave up to try and keep me on a sane, healthy path. I will never forget it, and I want to think I’d do the same for you.”
Lexie nodded, the emotion clear in her expression. “I love you.”
Kendall swallowed hard. “Me, too. That’s why this next part is so hard for me to say, but here goes. I’m an adult now. And yes, I’ve made mistakes, and yes, I’ve been ill, but I’m better and I’ve proven that by now. I take my medicine every day. I’m in therapy. If I feel off and it goes on too long, I let my doctor know and ask for a medication adjustment. I’m living as good a life as I can.”
Lexie sniffed. “I know. I see it and I’m so incredibly proud of you.”
Kendall straightened her shoulders. “Then don’t make me pay for my bipolar disorder and my past
. Maybe you couldn’t trust my judgment then, but you can now.”
“Kendall, it isn’t you we don’t trust,” Kade said.
She rubbed her hands together in front of her. “Well, then that brings me to my next point. You got your way. Julian walked away from me in part because he doesn’t want to make me choose between him and my family.” Intense pain racked her as she said those words out loud.
Kade opened his mouth to speak, and Lexie elbowed him hard in the side. “Shut up. Don’t say a word to her about how it’s for the best. She doesn’t think so, and that’s what matters.” Lexie met her twin’s gaze.
Kendall knew that was Lexie’s way of saying she’d do her best to respect Kendall’s independence and needs, and she was grateful.
“I was just going to say I’m sorry,” Kade muttered.
“Sorry and I’m sure relieved,” Kendall said. Because Kade had to be happy Julian had broken up with her. But she wasn’t finished.
“And now my final point. I don’t want things to be over with Julian, and if I have my way, they won’t be because I love him. Which means you can accept my decision and be part of my life, or you can lose me. The choice is yours. I’m finished letting anyone, no matter how well meaning, decide the direction of my life. Not even my twin. Or her husband.” She finished in a rush and folded her arms across her chest, glancing from Lexie, whose eyes were open wide, to Kade, who appeared surprised.
Kendall’s pulse pounded and nerves made her dizzy, but she’d made her stand. She’d be lying if she didn’t say she was panicked at the thought of losing her twin for good, of being stripped of her support system and left alone. But she had to be strong.
The ball was in their court.
“Well?” A way-too-familiar voice asked from behind her. “She wants you to respect her wishes and let her be with the man she loves.”
Going in Deep Page 16
