If anyone was to blame, it was me. I should have realized something wasn’t right about Kyle. Hell, we all should. We prided ourselves on knowing a bastard from a good man. We should have known he’d been hurting women long before he joined the Snakes. However, we didn’t, and it’s done with now, but it doesn’t mean I’ll ever let my guard down again where Tammy is concerned. No fucker will get close enough to her to smell her perfume before I’ve ripped his damn throat out!
Cullen, our youngest, is what pulled Tammy through the darkness. Her love for that little boy is what brought her back to me. Yes, she acted like her old self, smiled, and laughed with friends, let me hold her, and make love to her. However, I always felt something was missing.
The day Tammy held that boy in her arms right after she used her body to bring him into the world, that is the day my Tammy truly came back to me. However, seeing how hard she tried to be strong for me after switching Scott’s machine off turned my stomach. Because I know she’s not coping with this. Tammy loved my boy like her own. She’d known him since he was a baby. This has hurt her as much as it has me, or near enough.
I need to be strong for her. I can break down when I’m not around my wife. “No, you can’t.” I lift my head from my hands. I’ve been sitting on the couch for the past... I don’t know how long, and I hadn’t realized I’d spaced out.
Tammy strokes my hair while dropping down into the seat beside me. “You don’t need to be strong for me.” Ah, hell. I said that shit out loud. “You can break down in front of me. I’m not a weak little girl, Scott,” Hurts to hear that name from my wife’s lips right now. My own name is like a damn curse.
I take my wife’s hand in mine and entwine our fingers. If I ever lost this woman, I’d fucking die. No joke, I would not survive without her. “I know you’re not weak, Tammy.” I can’t lie to this woman; she’s the only person in the world, I can show my real emotions to. I made Tammy promise me that she’d never hide anything from me again, the least I can do is afford her the same grace. “I don’t know what to do, Tammy. My boy is dead.” The sobs escape me against my will, and I can do nothing but collapse in my wife’s arms as she holds me while I cry.
“It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you.” My head is on her shoulder, my arms around her waist, hers around my shoulders as she rocks me. “I’ve got you, and I will never let go. I know how much this hurts, I know what Scotty meant to you, but he’s at peace now, Red. All of his pain and suffering is over. There won’t be a day that goes by where you don’t think about him, miss him, wish he was here with us. We will keep him alive in our hearts, and we’ll always tell the boys about him, but Scotty wouldn’t want you to hold onto the grief you’re feeling right now.”
Tammy pulls me closer to her slim body and kisses my head.
“Don’t keep it inside, Red. Let it out. Letting it out doesn’t mean you’ll be forgetting out him. However, keeping it inside will kill you. You remember what it did to me, and no one died in that situation. No one that mattered, at least. Grieve because you need to, but remember that you are not alone. You will never be alone. Lean on me because it’s my turn to be strong, baby.”
I want to argue with her, tell her that it’s my job to be the strong one. However, right now, I can’t, I just don’t have the strength. I’ll pull myself out of this tomorrow. Tonight I’ll crash in my wife’s arms and let the sadness wash over me.
“It’s okay, Scott, I’ve got you, baby. I’ve got you, and I will never let you go.” I sob in my wife’s arms. Sure, I’m a big bad biker, one who looks like a damn lumberjack in leather, built like a God and twice as dangerous. However, I’m a man who’s lost his son, and I am broken inside right now.
“Daddy?” Fuck! I pull away from Tammy and hastily wipe my eyes. I don’t ever want to look weak in front of my sons. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t seem to answer Trey, my boy in between Cole, my now eldest, and Cullen, my youngest. Trey’s just eleven, and he shouldn’t be seeing his dad like this.
“Daddy’s just a little upset right now, Trey,” Tammy tells him while I hang my head in my hands, elbows on my thighs.
“Is it because Scotty went to heaven?”
“Yes, baby,”
Fuck, I can’t handle this! I need to get out of here!
I am fully ready to get the fuck up out of my seat, grab my bike keys, and leave. I need to ride the wind until I’ve got no fucking strength left in my arms and legs to keep riding.
I inch forward in my seat, ready to get the fuck out of here when a little hand on my head has me looking up at my son. My heart breaks to see tears running down his cheeks. “Daddy,” One huge, heartbreaking sob rips from his chest, tearing my damn heart apart. I grab my boy and pull him into my arms, his head on my shoulder as he sobs.
Trey remembers Scott, as does Cole. They loved him so much, and he adored them. Cullen will never remember his big brother. He’ll never know how amazing he was. He’ll never know how his big brother told his mommy and daddy how they would one day be blessed with the little man that he is, and how much his big brother would love him. Tammy and I laughed at the time, but Scott’s prediction came true. Cullen will never know how much Scott loved Trey and Cole, he’ll never know how much Scott adored Tammy, and he’ll never know how much that boy truly meant to me.
Fucking breaks my heart even more.
Scott was so good with Cole and Trey, and they idolized him. I’d told the boys yesterday that Scott didn’t run out on them, that he hadn’t abandoned them like they believed he had. I didn’t lie to them. I would never have done that because they would have one day found out the truth. They know he was shot, and he’d been on life support for the past couple years. I explained to them today when they asked if they could see him that Scott had passed away. Cole... God, my boy screamed, broke down, hitting out and sobbing. Tammy was in bits because she couldn’t calm him. He ran to his room and hasn’t come out since. Cullen doesn’t really understand what’s gone on; he’s just a baby, which is a blessing right now.
Trey cried quietly when he heard the news but said nothing. He never really says much of anything. Trey is still very childlike in many ways, and Tammy is in no rush to have him grow up. Now he’s sobbing his heart out in my arms, and I’m holding him close to me, my wife watching with tears in her eyes. “Shh,” I soothe. “It’s okay, Trey. Scotty’s in a better place now. He can’t feel any more pain.”
“Don’t cry, Daddy,” He sobs, which makes me cry harder. “I will take care of you. I love you, Daddy! I’m so sorry Scotty went to heaven.”
“You don’t need to take care of me, Trey. It’s Daddy’s place to take care of you. I love you, my boy.”
I keep hold of Trey while taking Tammy’s hand in mine. She moves closer to us and lays her head on my shoulder. I’m not the only one in pain here; my whole family is in pain. I wasn’t the only one who lost Scott; we all did.
Things aren’t going to be easy ever again. However, I know we’ll come through this eventually. None of us will ever forget Scott, and I will tell Cullen all about him. I’ll never let these kids forget the big brother who loved them so much.
“Dad?” I look over at Cole. He’s standing in the doorway of the den watching us. When did he get so tall? “Dad,” The emotion in his voice as the tears start to fall tell me that he needs me right now. He might be sixteen now, but he’s still my little boy.
Tammy takes Trey in her arms, and I hold mine out to Cole. He comes running, arms around my neck and he sobs, just like Trey did.
Never in my life have I wanted my kids to feel any kind of pain. However, they are in pain, and I have to be strong for them, no matter what.
“Who’s going to take care of Fallon?” Cole asks while pulling away from me and climbing onto my lap like he’s five years old all over again.
Tammy and I, of course, told the boys that we’d found Fallon. They knew about her because Scott told them all about his sister and how much he loved her. He wanted th
e boys to love her, too, and they did, still, do, even if they have never met her.
“Fallon will be just fine, Cole. She’s in the spare room right now sleeping.”
“She is?” I nod my head. “Is she going to stay here with us? Scott would want her to stay with us.”
“I don’t know, Cole. If Fallon wants to stay here, then, of course, she can stay. However, you have to understand that she might not want to be here.”
He’s quiet for a moment, looking at his mother, then his little brother. Then he tells me, “I’m going to take care of her. Same as I do Trey and Cullen. Also, I’m gonna take care of you and mom. Scotty would have wanted me to take of you all.”
Cole lays both hands on my face. “You don’t need to be brave for us, Dad. We love you, and we’re going to help you get through this.” Ah, hell. Why’d he have to be so much like his mother?
I wrap all three of them up in my arms and hold them close to me — my family. We’ll get through this together. Scott’s funeral will be hard for all of us. However, we’re stronger together. I know that.
Wherever you are now, Scott, I hope you know how much we all love you. How much, I love you. I will always love you, my boy.
Chapter Thirteen
Fallon
It’s going to be a long, hard day. Today, I lay my brother to rest. Today, I say goodbye for the final time.
I haven’t seen Trace since the other night when he dragged me out of the strip club. I was so high; I didn’t even know what I was saying or doing. I remember all those grabby hands, however. Whom did I have to blame for that?
Right, myself.
I thought I’d outgrown taking drugs years ago. However, grief took over, and I couldn’t think straight, and I stupidly went back to the one thing I swore I wouldn’t touch again. MDMA. Yeah, I’m stupid. However, I just wanted to forget what happened with my brother, and what happened when I left the hospital. I called up my old dealer. He met me in the usual place and handed me the pills. Crazy to think after two years that there’s still a meeting place. I don’t know what that says about me.
Red told me how I’d yelled at Trace about him, not letting some guy do something to me. Red asked me who’d hurt me, that he’d kill anyone who had. The truth is, I have absolutely no clue what the hell I was talking about. No one hurt me that I can remember, and I told Red as much. Ecstasy makes you hallucinate and think all sorts. However, when I thought about it, I figured I was talking about the men who were grabbing at me last night. I didn’t want their hands on me, but I was too high to stop them.
I’ve pushed Trace away for my a few reasons. I don’t deserve him for one, and I screw everything up one way or another. Trace needs to go back to his whore ways and forget about me. The sooner he does that, the sooner both of us can get on with our lives.
I stayed with Red the night my brother died. I was out of my head, and I cried and begged him not to leave me. He didn’t. Red took me back to his house, and Tammy was waiting for us. Tammy stripped me down and forced me into a hot bath, where she bathed me, washed my hair, and all the time, I just stared into space. Tammy dressed me in some of her clothes, blow-dried my hair, and then helped me to bed in her spare room.
I woke in the morning feeling like hell, but grateful that I was anywhere but my own house.
I met Scott’s little brothers at breakfast, and each one reminded me of Scott. Cole is sixteen and looks just like Scott, even sounds like him when he talks. He’ll be a big guy before long. Trey is eleven and looks more like Tammy than Red. Cullen is one and the spitting image of Red, meaning he’s the spitting image of Scott because Scott was the image of Red, and I only see that now.
Cole and Trey are the only ones who remember Scott, Cullen wasn’t born when Scott disappeared, which makes me so sad because I know Scott would have adored his baby brother. It hurts so much to think Scott would keep me out of this part of his life.
I know how pathetic that sounds, all my brother was doing was getting to know his family before he introduced me to them, but it really hurts that I never got to share this with him.
It hurts more that those people aren’t my family as well as Scott’s. I had no real business being there with them. However, something shocked me about these people, Scott’s family. Cole sat beside me on the couch and took my hand in his. I narrowed my eyes and looked at him. He was quiet for a moment before he turned to look at me. When he did, he told me, ‘I’m going to take care of you, Fallon. Scott loved you so much, and I’m going to make him proud. You’re not alone anymore. I promise you will never be alone because you have all of us, and we love you. You aren’t my sister by blood, but you are my sister, Fallon. No one will ever hurt you, because if they do, when I’m old enough, I will find them, and when I do, I’ll kill them!’
I was taken aback at how like Scott he was. Every word Cole said sounded like they were coming from Scott’s mouth. I hugged Cole so hard to me and kissed his head. ‘All I need is you guys. Everything else will work itself out. I love you, too, and I would be honored to have you as a brother, Havoc.’
Cole looked at me with a confused smile on his face. ‘Havoc?’
I took his hand in mine. ‘One day, just like Scott, you’ll wreak havoc on those who attempt to hurt us. You’ll be a proud man like him. I can see it now.’
‘Havoc.’ Cole mumbled to himself. ‘I like it.’ I laughed. I may have created a monster. I had no doubt in my mind that Cole meant it when he said he’d kill anyone who hurt me. However, I also knew that I would never be any good for those little boys. I’m messed up, and I never want to bring my messed up shit to Scott’s family. Because they were his, not mine, that’s why I thanked them and left, but not before I asked Red if he’d take care of Duke for me. I can’t care for him right now, and that just isn’t fair to him. Apparently, Trace had collected him from my house when he grabbed an overnight bag for me, which Red had left at the clubhouse. Red told me that he’d take care of Duke for as long as I needed. Then he gave me a ride in Tammy’s car, first to the clubhouse to get my bag, then home.
I’ve been here ever since. Except for the other night when I took a walk and ended up doing something stupid, but that’s the story of my life, isn’t it? I do dumb things again and again. I try to stay on the right path, to be a good person, but then something terrible happens, and I go off the rails.
What in the hell possessed me to get drunk and let Brick drive me out of town?
Why was he even in this town when he’s not supposed to be?
Whatever the reason, when I left the bar I’d gone to, to drown my sorrows, Brick was there by the side of the road, straddling his bike like he wouldn’t get shot if a member of the Snakes Henchmen saw him.
I sobered quickly upon seeing him. He climbed off his bike with a smirk and came toward me. I stepped back, and he smirked wider. ‘Long time no see, Fallon.’ He said. ‘You filled out, beautiful.’
‘Leave me alone, Brick. What are you even doing here?’ I folded my arms around myself. I didn’t want him looking at me the way he was. It’s true; I’ve filled out over the past couple of years, but that didn’t give Brick the right to look at me like he wanted to eat me.
What am I talking about? He always looks at me like that. Every time he sees me. He always acts like he hasn’t seen me for years when it’s only ever a month between visits.
‘Heard about Thor. You could’ve told me. The club deserved to know their brother had passed.’
‘Brother? He wasn’t your brother, Brick. You abandoned him when you realized he’d never wake up. I was the one by his bedside for three damn years. I was the one stripping my clothes off to pay for everything he needed!’
Brick didn’t say anything in response, which just pissed me right off. How dare he, ride into town, wait for me, and then act like my brother was his best friend. My brother didn’t even exist to Brick, and hadn’t since he was shot!
Brick advanced on me. I knew the look in his eyes; he wanted me. I
didn’t want him, but I was drunk, and I just wanted something or someone to help me forget what I’d been through. It should’ve been Trace, but I wouldn’t call him. He might be a man-whore, but he deserved much better than a big fucking mess like me. I thought at that moment that if I slept with Brick, it would put the final nail in the coffin of Trace and me.
When Brick asked me to go with him, I didn’t even hesitate. I jumped on the back of his motorcycle and held tight while he rode fast and free. It wasn’t long before he rode over to a motel, about half an hour away from his house two towns over. There we attacked each other, lips, hands. I didn’t want his sweaty body all over me, but I wanted him to make me forget everything.
However, standing in front of him in nothing but panties, his mouth on my tits, sucking and biting at my nipples, my hands in his hair, something inside me screamed that this was all wrong. Why was I doing this? I wasn’t even turned on. In fact, I began to feel repulsed with myself. Of all the people I could have fallen in with it had to be Brick. Tall, strong, handsome in his own right, scarred up, evil, crazy Brick.
All I could think about while he was touching me was Trace and what he’d think about me when he found out because he will find out. Brick is the kind of cunt to brag, and he’s never made any secret of the fact he wants to make me his. Brick took everything from me in order to force me to be with him. By being with him that night, I was giving him the idea that that was what I wanted. That was so not what I wanted.
I may not want to be with Trace in any way again – lies – but I didn’t want him thinking of me like some whore who sleeps around and takes drugs just because she can’t deal with what life throws at her, even though I can’t. I don’t want to keep falling back into old habits when things get too tough. I know I’m better than this. I want to be stronger, and I want to make my brother proud of me. I want Scott to be able to look down on me from heaven with a smile on his face and think, ‘That’s my little sister, didn’t I do a good job of raising her? Isn’t she amazing?’
Two Of A Kind: Snakes Henchmen MC Page 9
