Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  I take a deep breath. “When I went into see her afterward she didn’t look for him or anything. I’m hoping she won’t remember enough to know he’s gone. I’m hoping she’ll fade a little bit more so his absence is nothing but a blank space. Is that totally awful of me?”

  “No, Felix. You don’t want her to fade for selfish reasons. You want to protect not only her mind but also her heart. You’re a good daughter. I hope my daughter grows up to be as good to me as you are to her.”

  “Oh,” I say. “She’ll be better. She’ll be more like you.”

  That makes Sawyer cry, and I chuckle, handing her a tissue.

  “Stupid pregnancy hormones.” She blows her nose and asks, “How are Aiden and Savannah doing?”

  “I don’t know.” I attempt to look really busy all of a sudden. I should have known Aiden would somehow play into our conversation.

  When I look up, she’s staring at me like I’m either losing my mind or an idiot since I don’t know what she’s talking about. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

  Focusing back on the living room plans for another client, I say, “Aiden and I don’t tell each other everything, Sawyer.”

  “But this is kind of a big deal. This wasn’t just some sibling fight. He didn’t tell you?”

  “What’s the big deal? He and Savannah got into a fight. All siblings fight. They’ll work it out.”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “Alix. This one is a big deal. I can’t believe he didn’t mention it to you. What happened between you two?”

  I sigh and reluctantly say, “Aiden and I aren’t talking. Okay? We’re done.”

  “What? When?” Her voice is saturated with hurt. She’s offended I never told her, as I knew she would be, but I didn’t want to deal with exactly this.

  “A couple weeks ago.”

  “What?”

  I don’t want to look at her. I know exactly how she’ll be looking at me. With disappointment and betrayal. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Well, guess what?” She leans forward. “You’re going to talk about it. I’m done tiptoeing around the subject of you two. You never gave me the option to hear your opinions about Dean and Grayson, so I’m not going to give you the option to shut me out about Aiden. Spill it.”

  Nine months pregnant Sawyer isn’t really someone I want to tick off, so I give in. Groaning, I lean back. “Fine.” Folding my arms across my chest, I say, “When my dad first got here, I realized that things weren’t going to work between us. Then Aiden thought it was a good idea to ask me to marry him.”

  She doesn’t even blink. “I’m guessing you didn’t say yes.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I think you should have, but you obviously didn’t.”

  “Because it would never work. Why would I make a vow and try to start a life with him just for it to end in smoke and ashes?”

  “Because you’re lying to yourself,” she retorts. When she sees my incredulous look she apologizes, “I’m sorry. Wait.” She pauses. “No. You know what? I’m not sorry. You gave me the tough love treatment with Grayson and Dean, so now it’s your turn. Aiden Ballard is the best dang thing to ever happen to you and Brooks. If you let him go, I will disown you as my best friend.” She huffs.

  I laugh. “Sawyer—”

  “No. Don’t you Sawyer me. You’re pushing him away because you’re scared, and it’s the dumbest reason in the book. It’s the only reason, and I know it. Why can’t you accept that you love him? Just because you don’t believe in it, doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

  “It’s not that I don’t believe in love. I know it exists. I just don’t believe it lasts. Look at my parents. Look at you and Grayson.” Sawyer’s face falls. “Hold on, I’m not trying to be insensitive. I swear. You two had a great love, but it didn’t last. Every great love I’ve ever known has been lost. I refuse to put myself through that.”

  “Alix,” she says softly and swallows. “Our great love didn’t last because it was taken from us, not because we let it slip away. There’s a huge difference. If you want your love to last you have to work for it. That’s what makes it worth it. That’s what makes it real. Grayson might not have gotten the chance to save a human life with his bare hands, but he saved mine. I am where I am today because he loved me and gave me a reason to live my life. I opened my heart to him so I could move forward, and it was the best decision I ever made.”

  I bite my lips. “Even though you lost him?” I ask genuinely.

  She blinks away the moisture forming in her eyes. “Losing Grayson was a door closing. It opened a window to the love I lost. I don’t regret one second of our life together.”

  I feel the cry forming in my chest—tears filling my throat and piercing the back of my eyes. “What if I let Aiden in and he’s taken from me? What if—by some miracle—he doesn’t leave me and we work hard, doing everything in our power to make it work, and I lose him anyway? Sawyer, after everything I’ve been through, I don’t know if I could survive that kind of loss. I’m not as strong as you.”

  She laughs without humor and the slightest shake of her head. “You think I felt strong when I first lost Dean or Grayson or the baby? Strength comes in pushing through the things that try to tear us down. We can only come out on top when we’ve reached our lowest of lows and claw our way out. You are the only one with the power to decide where you go from here.” Sawyer studies me. “I could sit here and tell you to be strong or that you already are strong, but until you believe it, nothing anyone says will make a difference. I would know. You have to want it badly enough for yourself. Do you want Aiden badly enough?”

  I breathe and whisper, “I don’t know.”

  “I feel like a broken record. Why can’t you trust him already, Felix?”

  “I do trust him, okay? I know he’s an honorable guy, but it’s easier to paint him in a different light.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  I heave a sigh. “I fell for him, Sawyer. In one freaking night. Not on our first date. Not at your wedding. At that stupid party two, three years ago, whatever it was. We didn’t even do anything. We talked for hours and hung out like old friends. And I let my guard down. Then we spent more time together and kissed. Oh my gosh, we kissed, and it was incredible.” I clutch my chest, feeling like my heart might beat out of my chest, thinking about his kisses. “Then I saw him with Bridget that night after our date, and even though I know now it was nothing, when I thought it was something… it killed me, S. Then time passes, and I give him another chance and somehow she weaseled her way back in. Did he tell you Bridget told him she loved him?” I shake my head, staring at my drafting board. “Whether he wants her or not, it doesn’t matter. If I felt that hurt in the beginning after a month with him, how could I possibly survive a heartbreak down the road?” I lift my eyes.

  She looks at me, sensitivity in her eyes. “He might never break your heart.”

  “They always break my heart.”

  Sawyer sighs and knowingly shakes her head. I want to shake her shoulders, knock some sense in her, make her understand what I’m feeling.

  “They won’t always. One day you’re going to find the one who won’t. Aiden just might be that one. I think he’s the one.”

  I don’t want to hear what she has to say. “It was hard enough after my dad left the first time, but thinking Aiden could’ve betrayed me already, it hurt almost as much as my dad.” I swallow and ask, “How is that even possible?”

  Sawyer looks at me with sympathy. “Because what you have with Aiden is something big. He’s your great love, Alix. It’s not something you should risk letting get away.”

  “But I have to. I have to survive, Sawyer. For Brooks, I have to be solid, and that boy makes me liquid.”

  “That boy makes you more.” She cuts me off before I can say anything else. “Just think about it, Felix. You need to talk to him. He needs you right now. I can’t tell you the details. They aren’t min
e to tell. Just go see him.” She leans back and sighs. “If you don’t, I will punch you in the face myself.”

  “Sawyer.” I laugh, wiping the wetness off my face.

  “I mean it. Don’t mess with me, woman. He’s hurting, and he needs to talk to you.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I say, mainly because I don’t want her punching me now. But I don’t know that I can go see him yet. I’m dealing with my own crap, I don’t know if I can handle Aiden’s too. It was hard enough seeing him on a professional level. Trying to see him on a personal level? Forget it. If Sawyer has to punch me in the face, so be it. I’ll deal with the black eye.

  AIDEN

  AFTER A COUPLE weeks, Bridget shows up on my doorstep and apologizes. I must look like crap because she winces as soon as I open my door.

  “You look like me when I’m on my period.”

  I look down at my sweats and feel my greasy hair then shrug.

  It wasn’t Bridget’s fault that Alix and I didn’t work. If Bridget hadn’t been there that night, there’s no telling if Alix wouldn’t have ended it anyway. I tell her as much, but I make it clear that we’re just friends. She agrees that it’s what’s best. I’m grateful to clear the air because I need her now more than I have in a long time.

  After I tell her about Alix, I tell her about Savannah and my confession.

  “So, Savannah is still not speaking to you? When was the last time you tried?”

  “Yesterday. I have a feeling she’ll be married with kids before she talks to me again. That might even be wishful thinking.”

  “Stop it,” Bridget says, resting her hand on my back as I lean forward on the couch with my head in my hands. “She just needs time. Give her space. Once she starts thinking clearly again, she’ll see reason.”

  I shake my head. To myself mainly. Savannah has every right to hate me. I hate me. I don’t expect her to forgive me anytime soon.

  “Aiden, you’ve been beating yourself up for that night ever since it happened. You have to let it go.”

  Bridget is the only one I told when it first happened. She was the only one who could see there was more to the story than what I was telling. She was the only one I couldn’t hide it from. And she’s still standing by my side.

  “The moment I let it go is the moment that makes it okay. And it’s not okay, Bridge.”

  She shakes her head disappointedly, but doesn’t disagree with me. I think she realizes she won’t win this fight.

  “What about Alix?” she asks. “Anything?”

  “Nada.” I flop back on the couch with my hands gripping my hair. If only I could go back and rewrite our story. I would do so many things differently. We could get a new ending.

  We would get a new beginning.

  “I can go talk to her if that will help. Explain what a horrible, thoughtless night that was. Tell her how not in love with me you are. Or I you.” She tries to smile.

  “No, Bridge,” I grunt. “I think that will make it insanely worse. Alix has made her decision. I don’t like it. I hate it. But I have to respect it. I tried. I failed. Now I need to move on.”

  Bridget wiggles her eyebrow. “I might be able to help with that.” I know she’s trying to be funny, but I don’t laugh. “I was kidding! Too soon for jokes? Got it. I was just trying to help. You’re so gloomy. I want my best friend back.”

  I breathe a dry chuckle. “Well, when you see him, tell him I’m looking for him. I’ve got a bone to pick with him. He lost me Alix and Savannah within a week. He’s got this Aiden to answer to.”

  “Great,” Bridget says wryly. “We’re dealing with multiple personalities now. It’s worse than I thought.”

  My cell phone begins to ring. A number I don’t recognize flashes across the screen, but I answer it anyway.

  “This is Aiden,” I say with laughter in my voice.

  “Aiden Ballard?” the voice says tightly.

  “Yes.” I scoot forward and listen carefully. “This is he.”

  It takes me a moment to process what the unfamiliar voice on the other end is saying, but when it snaps into place, my phone drops, and I run out the door.

  ALIX

  I’VE JUST PUT Brooks to bed when my phone rings. I pull it out of my back pocket and see Sawyer’s face, laughing at me. She’s calling so late at night it could only mean one thing.

  “Are you in labor?” I answer excitedly.

  “Alix.”

  It’s not what Sawyer says; it’s how she says it. It’s the kind of voice my mom used to tell me our family was about to crumble to pieces.

  Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong.

  My chest tightens, stopping my heart. “Are you okay? Is the baby okay?”

  “I’m fine. It’s not me. It’s Aiden…”

  ***

  Sawyer and I rush through the white halls of the hospital, searching for the right waiting room. I come to a halt when I see Aiden in a chair, bent over, with his face buried in his hands.

  “Sawyer,” Dean says from the seat beside Aiden, and she goes to him. He stands and sweeps her up in his arms.

  On the other side of Aiden is Bridget, sitting with her hand resting on his back, quietly consoling him.

  Aiden looks up. His red-rimmed eyes find me. The sight of him takes my breath. He looks wrecked, so fragile. As he gradually stands, I rush to him and take him into my arms, hold him as if my arms have the power to numb the pain. Aiden clutches me so tightly, burrows his face into the crook of my neck, and quietly cries. I break for him.

  I overhear Dean talking to Sawyer about Savannah. I hear words like critical condition, cerebral hemorrhage, internal bleeding. The words sound so distant, echoing around the waiting room like we’re in a nightmare. The only thing that feels real is Aiden’s shuddering body pressed against mine.

  “She’s in surgery now,” Dean says. “We don’t know how long she’ll be in there, but I have a feeling we won’t hear anything for quite a while. We just have to wait.”

  Aiden holds me like I’m the only thing that can save him.

  I wish I could.

  I loosen my grip, but he holds me tighter. “I can’t lose her too.” His voice is so faint, muffled against my neck.

  “I know. You won’t.” My hands run the length of his back. I think we both know there’s a possibility he might, but tonight he needs a lie. I’ll lie to save him. I’ll lie all night if he needs me to.

  ***

  After some time we all sit and Aiden begins to explain what happened. His grandparents sit across the waiting room calling family members. I think his grandma is on the phone with Camille as we speak. I wonder if Lydia will even be reachable.

  “Apparently drag racing is a big thing right now,” he says. “She was in the car with Jason, who was trying to be a tough guy. He lost control of the car, and it flipped five times. The police say alcohol was involved. The idiot was drinking before he got in the driver’s seat. Thankfully, no one else was hurt.”

  “What about Jason?” I ask.

  Aiden grits his teeth, not caring if the kid lives or dies. I can’t blame him. “He made it out alive. Isn’t in great condition, but he’s in better condition than Savannah. Right now he’s in the ICU.”

  “What was Savannah even doing in the car?” Dean asks. “A passenger would be a huge distraction to the driver.”

  “She’s likes the thrill of it, I guess,” Aiden answers and wipes under his nose with the back of his hand. “After our fight the other night, I thought she’d learned her lesson. But she was probably still so mad at me she got in the car to spite me.”

  This must be the fight Sawyer was talking about.

  “This is my fault,” he says and hangs his head. His shoulders begin to shake.

  All at once we say different variations of no. How could he put this on himself? His sister makes her own decisions. She’s a teenager who wants to test the limits. He can’t blame himself for that.

  With me on one side of Aiden, and Bridget on t
he other, we both place our hands on his back at the same time. When our fingers touch, we flinch. She looks uneasily at me and pulls her hand away. But then I think of how it makes so much more sense for her as his best friend to comfort him. He’s no more mine than he is hers.

  Then the thought knocks me down. Maybe he is hers now. Waves of loss and jealousy crash over me. Like a rip current, it pulls me under. I could be the one overstepping. I pull my hand back.

  A couple hours pass as we wait for an update. The hours feel like forever and a day to me. I can only image how Aiden must be feeling. He keeps getting up and pacing around. His bloodshot eyes break my heart. I can’t bear to see him like this.

  Not much is said. All we can do it wait.

  AIDEN

  THE GUILTY ALWAYS live.

  Savannah might die because of that kid, and he’ll get to go on with his life. Go to college, get married, have children, all the while Savannah could be buried six feet under, just because she got in that dang mustang.

  Finally, someone in pale green scrubs approaches us to say Savannah’s still in surgery. They’ve got the internal bleeding under control, but he spews out more terminology like cerebral edema, which is just fancy talk for brain swelling. I wish he would dumb it down, so I don’t feel more clouded and helpless than I already do.

  If they can’t get the swelling to go down, her brain won’t get the blood and oxygen it needs. He tells us that, with the kind of traumatic brain injury Savannah has, permanent brain damage is a high possibility.

  “But brain injuries are so subjective, there is no telling until she’s out of surgery and conscious again.”

  So why tell me the worse case scenario before you even know anything! I want to scream, but I don’t. He’s trying to do his job and prepare us for the worst, but I’ve already imagined it. I don’t need worst-case scenarios. I need the best. I need hope.

  ***

  Sawyer and Dean leave when it becomes too late and Sawyer needs her rest. Alix tells them she’ll keep them updated. Bridget moves over to Gran and Gramps and talks to them, leaving Alix and I alone.