To Night Owl From Dogfish
Page 12
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: TODAY!
Fortune is smiling your way. (That’s on a coffee cup we have.)
I just hung up the phone with GAGA. My dad told her we’re going to GO TO NEW YORK to see the opening of HOLDING UP HALF THE SKY, which is in only 9 weeks!
This is the break we’ve been looking for, Avery. Maybe your DAD could GO WITH YOU to see the play the first night? I know Kristina’s not his favorite person in the world, but they did agree to a schedule for you + they aren’t paying money anymore for lawyers to scare each other.
If you can’t do the play, then we can arrange a fake random meeting—like maybe that place you told me about with the frozen hot chocolate. You’d be sitting with your dad + the bell over the door would ring + you would both look up + me + my dad would be standing there.
The two dads would be like, “Whaaat???” + they would start to smile + tear up a little but pretend they weren’t + you + I would go to the bathroom + let them talk in private until the miracle of deep feelings kicked in.
What do you think?
This is the greatest gift of all this Christmas. We have hope for the future as a family!
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject Re: re: re: re: re: TODAY!
As Hamilton would say, “We are not throwing away our shot!”
You and your dad will come to New York City and we will be the welcome committee! (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme. I’m not doing spoken-word poetry, I’m just psyched!)
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Our plan in motion
We have our plane tickets + we’re going to stay at Gaga’s!
Dad will sleep on the couch + I’ll be in the bedroom with Gaga, who’s got a big bed. When you’re staying at Kristina’s, we’ll be RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL FROM EACH OTHER!
I’m glad you only LOANED the wedding books to your cello teacher. We are probably going to need them back. I hope she didn’t fill out any of the checklists.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Possible dads meeting place: new gym
Dogfish—
My papa joined a new gym. He says it’s a great place. His New Year’s resolution was to get in better shape. He’s already in good shape, but I guess there’s always more to do.
He’s been going to the gym a lot. Sometimes even at night.
Maybe when your dad is here, if we can’t arrange for them to see each other at the play, we could get your dad to go to the same gym (since my papa is on a very regular schedule). They have visitor passes, and you have to take a mandatory tour of the facilities and have your fat measured with calipers, but it doesn’t take too long. I checked online.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: Possible dads meeting place: new gym
My dad rides his bike + he runs and he also surfs, but he doesn’t go to a gym anymore. I guess I could try to get him to do that again. We only have 5 weeks left.
Why did your dad SWITCH gyms? This might be a bad sign.
He hasn’t bought a lot of new clothes or anything—has he?
Also, when was the last time he got a haircut?
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject Re: re: Possible dads meeting place: new gym
He got a haircut on Friday. And he did buy new pants last week. And new shoes. And a belt. Why? That doesn’t mean anything, I don’t think.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: Possible dads meeting place: new gym
Let me know if you see him doing CRUNCHES at night. After my dad met your dad, he started doing A LOT of crunches.
Also, check his toothpaste. If he switches to something that’s got more TEETH WHITENER, we’re in a bad place.
My dad’s still staring out the window + eating a lot of breakfast cereal at weird hours, so he’s good to go.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: B-O-B
Dogfish,
You were right. No one gets a haircut or starts buying new clothes without a reason. It gives me waves of nausea to even type this, but we now have the reason. And the reason has a name:
Bob
I can’t believe my papa could ever fall for a Bob. But five minutes ago I asked him if there was someone new romantically in his life, and he had this sort of shy smile and admitted that there is a Man-Named-Bob in the picture.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: A Man Named B-O-B
I KNEW IT.
This is a real setback. With SUCH BAD TIMING. We are so close to the dads finally being in the same room again since they broke up + suddenly realizing it was a big mistake + that they are still in love.
Also, BOB is a very old-school name + super boring.
How serious are they? Are you going to MEET HIM?
Is it THAT advanced?
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: A Man Named B-O-B
Papa just came in while I was typing (he doesn’t know it was to you) and said that Bob is coming over on Saturday. He explained they’ve been going out for three and a half weeks. Doesn’t this mean he’s counting the days?
So far all I really know is that his name is a palindrome (it’s spelled the same way backward and forward). “Palindrome” is often on standardized vocabulary tests, but it’s a weird word that people never say out loud, which is probably why those tests are unfair.
I really like palindromes, but Bob should change his name to Otto if he wants to be more interesting.
For now he’s Bob Bilderback.
Only I would never dislike someone just because they had an awkward name. His parents were Bilderbacks, so it’s not his fault.
But I don’t like him for other reasons.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
When you meet Bob, try to be AWFUL, but in LOTS OF SMALL WAYS. That’s usually better than one big bad thing.
That SNIFFING you do that you say is from sensitivity to humidity is super annoying. You could start with that.
Also, he doesn’t have any kids of his own—right?
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
My first question to Papa was whether Bob Bilderback had children!
No, Bob has no kids. He’s just coming out of a long-term relationship (too bad we can’t find that guy and get some dirt on the Palindrome).
I can’t take any more drama. Two days ago Kristina asked Papa if she could move her night from Monday to Tuesday (just this once) and Papa acted like she’d asked him to donate an organ. I guess he and B-O-B had already made plans for Monday.
When I went to Kristina’s she got takeout and we watched a very old movie (not black-and-white) called KRAMER VS. KRAMER. Kristina cried before it was even sad, so she knew the story already. (Parents fight over custody of their kid.) I guess we’re living it.
Gaga was going to come across the hall to Kristina’s apartment and watch with us, but she wanted to try out a new Jazz Dance class. She says it’s important to build stamina before the op
ening of the play.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
My friend Angel has divorced parents + for a while they were doing the weekly “hand-off” (that’s what they call it) in the police station parking lot, which was super awkward. But my friend Zoe also has divorced parents + they all go on vacation to Hawaii together + stay in the same condo.
So there’s lots of ways to do it. Some are just way easier on kids.
Tell Kristina I can’t WAIT to see her. And report back Saturday on Bob Bilderback. But remember one word: SABOTAGE.
That would be a good name for a pet HAWK.
Is it legal to own a hawk?
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
I know people keep falcons, so maybe they keep hawks.
I could see you training to be a falconer one day, but I don’t think you’d like that the birds need to catch and eat live rabbits and squirrels and must hunt them down while the falcon-owner stands by and watches, wearing a leather glove that goes to their elbow.
I guess you could close your eyes during all of this, but it still sounds traumatic. I know this because I went to the Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, New York, once with my papa. People were eating those smoked turkey drumsticks that are the size of caveman clubs.
If he went today he’d probably just take Bob. And my papa wouldn’t eat a drumstick, but he and Bob would take turns drinking mead from the same giant silver cup. Ugh.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
I’m not going to get a hawk as a pet. Or be a falconer.
All birds should be free.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
All kids, too.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: A Man Named B-O-B
Bob just left. What a phony. When Papa brought him into the den, he acted as if he’d stumbled upon me accidentally, not that he’d come to the apartment just to meet me. He looked over with fake-surprise and said, “Well, who do we have here?”
I wanted to say, “An angry girl with seasonal allergies who wants you to leave right now.” But I didn’t. I smiled (but my eyes were as dull as I could make them, which really means just not blinking).
He’d been fully prepped, but he still talked to me like I was five years old. He bent down and in this singsong voice he said, “So tell me about yourself, Avery. What’s something you collect?”
Why would someone just assume a kid collected stuff? It’s really insulting.
Okay, I do have my organic material scarves and my first edition novels, and also my minor obsession with feathers (found in the wild only, as you know). There’s also National Geographic magazines dated from before 1962 (and in excellent condition). But that’s all none of his business.
So I just said, “Nothing.”
After he was gone (which took a while) I asked Papa, “No offense, but does Bob seem sort of off to you?”
To which he said, “He has no experience with children. He lives in his own world.” Then Papa actually laughed, as if living in your own world is a great thing.
Here is what else I learned while pretending to be doing a science project but actually listening while Papa and the Palindrome sat talking and sipping double espressos and eating maybe seven almonds: Bob is a lawyer. But supposedly the good kind, fighting justice. (I mean, injustice.) He’s thirty-six years old and works out at the Michael Scanlon gym every morning at 6:00 a.m. for ninety minutes (that’s Papa’s new gym) before using a Citi Bike to go 4.8 miles to his office. That level of exercise seems excessive. He might have 8 percent measurable body fat. I’m not sure I heard correctly.
I think one of the main things my papa likes about Bob is that he believes that this kind of person would never want to ride a motorcycle across China. Which is probably true.
I’m afraid Bob will be in charge of their whole relationship, because Papa’s in a still-wounded state.
I heard him tell Bob, “Well, I already have a kid. That’s been the best thing by far to ever happen to me. But no, I wouldn’t rule out another one.”
It’s possible my heart actually stopped.
Since Bob left I’ve had to use my inhaler three times. For real.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Collections
Why would anyone think that just because you’re a KID you COLLECT stuff? That’s so wrong + also so insulting + a stereotype.
I collect:
Little DOG figures
Little SHARK figures
SHELLS (they don’t have to be found by me, I’ve bought some good ones at garage sales)
ORANGE T-shirts with sayings on the front
Pictures of MEERKATS
Question: Maybe we should start a collection TOGETHER? We would have West Coast + East Coast versions of things.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: Collections
I think this is a great idea.
But we don’t want to collect trading cards. Or erasers or perfume bottles. Obviously.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: Collections
OBVIOUSLY is right.
I’d like to collect small water animals (live), but that’s not going to happen. On top of all the other problems, they would be hard to share back and forth.
Maybe we can start with key chains.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: Collections
Key chains are a good start. There is a key chain in the drawer in the kitchen. It’s shaped like a crow. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe that should be the first thing in our collection.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: Collections
There is a difference between crows and ravens. Did you know this?
Please confirm which bird is on the key chain.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: Collections
I wasn’t aware of this bird difference but now I will read up. I guess there were a lot of crows and maybe ravens in NYC once, but they got sick and mostly died. Pigeons inherited the place. We get a lot of bird droppings on our window ledge and have to clean it off, but only wearing rubber gloves, for hygiene.
People are always saying crows are so smart. (Not as smart as owls, of course!) I wonder why exactly?
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections
At CIGI you should have done an experiment with a crow instead of on J.K. Rowling the chicken + we might have the answer. Do people eat crow eggs? Does a bird have to cluck before you can eat one of the eggs?
I’m just thinking out loud here.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections
You’re always thinking out lou
d, Dogfish. That’s one of the things I like about you.
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections
Thanks! You can tell a crow’s AGE by the COLOR of its eyes. BABY CROWS have BROWN in the center. When they get older, the brown turns to WHITE. At some point they have BLUE eyes, but I can’t remember when.
We have crows everywhere in California. But it’s hard to get CLOSE enough to see their EYEBALLS.
Next time you see BOB, ask him if he knows the DIFFERENCE between these birds. This will tell us if Bob watches Animal Planet. I’m betting he doesn’t.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections
I’m hoping right now that there isn’t a “next time I see Bob.”
* * *
From: Bett Devlin
To: A. Allenberry Bloom
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections
Same.
* * *
From: A. Allenberry Bloom
To: Bett Devlin
Subject: Re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Collections