by Cara Colter
‘Thank you. And Luke…?’
He paused in the act of gesturing to his son, and braced himself for something hard and crushing.
‘Merry Christmas.’
He stared at the receiver. He couldn’t have heard that correctly. He pressed it against his ear again. Swallowed. ‘Merry Christmas to you and Alf too, Brenda.’
‘Thank you.’
Without another word, he handed the phone to Jason. Dazed, he moved back to his chair.
Keira touched his knee. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘Brenda…she just wished me a merry Christmas.’ He still couldn’t believe he’d heard that right.
Keira’s smile when it came wasn’t one of those big ones that could dazzle and unbalance a man. It was both softer and deeper, and more devastating, than that. ‘A Christmas miracle,’ she whispered.
He didn’t believe in miracles, but…
‘Dad?’ Luke turned to find Jason holding the phone against his chest. ‘Is it okay if I spend tonight with Gran and Grandad?’
Luke nodded, and waited for Jason to call him back to the phone so Brenda could retract her merry Christmas.
Jason spoke a few more words into the phone, and then settled it back into its cradle before flopping onto the sofa. ‘It’s all good. They’re going to collect me later this afternoon.’
‘Sorted?’ Keira asked.
‘Sorted,’ Jason said. ‘Gran almost sounded like her old self again.’
Luke blinked. A Christmas miracle?
‘This has been the sweetest Christmas ever.’ Luke couldn’t argue with that.
Jason’s grandparents collected him at four p.m. They didn’t come in, but they waved from the car. Luke hugged his son, ordered him to have a good time, and waved back.
The car drove away and Luke dragged in a breath and braced his shoulders. There was only one more thing he wanted to accomplish today…
‘Tired?’ he asked Keira when he returned. She was curled up on the sofa, her head propped up on one hand. She’d remained inside while he said farewell to Jason. Diplomacy, he suspected. She hadn’t wanted to remind Brenda and Alf of Tammy.
Not that he and Keira had that kind of relationship. He rolled his shoulders. They did have a friendship, though.
‘Pleasantly so,’ she said.
‘Are you up to sharing a bottle of wine on the veranda? I have a bottle of Pinot Gris here that should be as smooth and mellow as anything you’ve ever tasted.’
‘Ooh, yes, please!’ She swung around to stare at him. ‘That sounds divine.’
He grabbed the bottle and two wine glasses and led the way out to the veranda and around to the bench at the side. This spot was one of his favourite places in the world.
Keira leant against the veranda railing. ‘You were right, you know, Luke. This view really is wonderful. It’d be worth quite a bit of inconvenience for the privilege of waking up to it every day.’
‘So you’re not sorry fate sent you here to Candlebark?’
She settled herself on the bench. The scent of vanilla rose up around him, mingling with the bouquet of the wine. She took the glass he handed her. He was careful their fingers didn’t touch.
‘I’m not the least sorry that I landed at Candlebark. Meeting you and Jason—that’s been quite an adventure.’
‘Have you had a nice day today?’
‘Yes…and I didn’t really expect to. I just wanted to try to make it nice for you and Jason, but…well, somehow I got swept up in it too.’
‘That makes the two of us.’
He stared at her for a long moment, prayed that what he was about to do was the right thing. His gut told him it was.
She touched a hand to her face. ‘What?’
He shook himself. Made himself stare out at the golden expanse of wheat. ‘You’ve given me a lot of good advice over these last two weeks, Keira—about Jason, about myself, about Christmas. It appears you were even right about Brenda and Alf. I can’t begin to thank you.’
She half-grimaced, half-grinned. ‘Considering most of that advice was unsolicited, Luke, I don’t think you need to thank me.’
He stared at her steadily for another long moment. ‘I want to offer some unsolicited advice in return.’
Luke’s eyes were gentle, and that particular shade of rich golden-brown that could make her mouth water. She swallowed. He stared at her as if he cared about her.
Of course he cares about you. As a friend.
She drew her bottom lip into her mouth. His eyes fastened on that action, darkened. Her blood quickened. Her heart skipped. Was it possible that she could get her Christmas miracle after all?
‘Advice?’ she whispered. She couldn’t do anything about the huskiness that had invaded her voice, or the yearning that invaded her soul.
‘I think you should continue to pursue your IVF treatment.’
She settled her wine glass on the floorboards at her feet, turned to stare out at all that golden wheat, rippling like a promise across the landscape, and waited for the darkness, the emptiness, to claim her.
A heavy sadness pressed against her heart, and tiredness made her want to rest her head against the wall behind, but the darkness didn’t settle over her to block out the sun or the glory of the view or the presence of the man sitting next her.
She blinked and risked a deep breath. The darkness remained at bay.
And then a new thought banished her tiredness. ‘It seems to matter to you.’
‘Of course it matters!’ He stared at her as if she’d gone mad. ‘This is important.’ He reached out and took her hand. ‘You helped me rediscover the joys of fatherhood. And believe me, it is a joy. I want that for you. I want you to experience that blessing. You deserve it.’
Because he cared about her?
‘You’ll make a great mum, Keira.’
She left her hand in his because it felt so right. ‘Luke, in the last fortnight I’ve learned a lot about myself. You showed me how counterproductive it’s been to try and follow in my mother and grandmother’s footsteps, that I’ve perhaps mistaken strength for necessity, and for putting a good and brave face on a less than ideal situation. I’ve finally acknowledged to myself something I’ve always been too scared to admit before.’
He leaned towards her, eyes intent.
She wanted to take his face in her hands and kiss him. She resisted the impulse. There was too much to say first. ‘I don’t want to be a single parent. I don’t want to have to do it all on my own. If I had another miscarriage…’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t know how I would get through that.’
He opened his mouth, but she shook her head again and held up her free hand. ‘I know you’re going to say my friends would help me through it, and of course they would. But it’s not the same as having someone by my side who’d hoped for the baby and loved it as much as I did.’
Luke stared out at the view, but Keira wasn’t sure how much of it he saw. Those grooves bit deep either side of his mouth. Grief for her and her baby? The thought made her throat thicken.
‘Yes, I want a baby…babies if at all possible. But not at the expense of everything else. I have to decide if I really am prepared to do it on my own, or whether to take my chances and wait. That’s not a decision I can come to in a couple of days.’
He turned and nodded.
She smiled, desperately wanting him to smile back. ‘I appreciate your concern, though.’
She squeezed his hand and prayed as hard as she could for her Christmas miracle. Luke’s eyes had gone gentle again, but…
But nothing. He didn’t lean forward to kiss her. He didn’t open his mouth to tell her he cared for her, that he wanted to keep seeing her or…anything.
A faint heart never won a fat duck.
She blinked as those words sounded through her mind. It had been one of her grandmother’s favourite sayings.
It hit her then. True strength lay in going after what she wanted rather than hoping it would come to her in som
e magical way…waiting and hoping because she was too scared to reach out and take it for herself, too scared to open herself up and be vulnerable.
She moistened her lips and swallowed. Did she dare?
Her heart pounded so loud she could hardly believe Luke couldn’t hear it. ‘Luke, if I wasn’t leaving next week I wouldn’t mention this now, but…’
‘But?’
She straightened and met his gaze head-on. ‘I…Luke, I love you.’
His head snapped back. She didn’t know what that meant or how to read it. She swallowed and refused to allow herself the luxury of a retreat. Her grandmother had been right. A faint heart never won a fat duck. ‘I didn’t plan on this happening—not in a million years—but I think you care about me a little…and I was wondering if perhaps we might be able to keep seeing each other and see where it might all lead to?’
Her words faltered to a halt. He’d reefed his hand from hers and she knew precisely how to read that. She gripped her hands together to stop their shaking, but there was nothing she could do to prevent her heart from shattering.
Luke jerked to his feet, banging his hip hard against the arm of the bench in his haste to move away from her and all her glorious sweetness and warmth. He set his wine glass down, wiped away the wetness that had spilled across his hand.
She was handing him everything he’d ever wanted. No—more than that. Because she was more than he could ever have imagined. But he couldn’t accept it.
What he felt for Keira—it wouldn’t last. He had a false heart. If he hadn’t been able to give Tammy what she’d needed—the woman who’d meant most to him in the world—then he couldn’t be trusted with a woman’s heart at all. End of story. He would break it—break her.
His chest constricted so painfully he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do that to Keira!
As she stared at him, tears caught on the ends of her eyelashes and hung there like stars. The stars spilled from her lashes and trailed down her cheeks to the corners of her mouth. He wanted to reach out and catch them before they were gone for ever. But he could only do that if he gave her what she asked for.
Air rushed back into his lungs. He clenched his hands together to keep them at his sides. ‘I’m sorry, Keira. I can’t give you what you want or what you need.’ No matter how much he wanted to. All he could give her was potential heartache and disappointment.
Keira dashed her tears away, folded her arms and hitched up her chin. ‘Why not? I know you care about me.’
Yeah, he did. But how would she cope when he let her down the way he’d let Tammy down? He couldn’t risk it.
Her chin wobbled. ‘Why won’t you take a risk on us?’
He didn’t want to talk about this, but she’d laid her heart on the line with total honesty. If she saw him for what he really was…
Sourness filled his mouth. Her happiness mattered more than what she thought of him. ‘Keira, my first marriage was hell. I didn’t love Tammy.’
She didn’t back away. Her eyes didn’t widen in horror.
‘No marriage can be happy with that knowledge pulsing in the silences.’ At eighteen, he’d had a crush on Tammy. When she’d fallen pregnant he’d done the right thing and married her. But then Tammy had discovered the truth—the fickleness of his feelings. He hadn’t even been able to pretend. People stayed together for their children’s sakes, but he hadn’t even been able to manage that much.
‘Tammy knew?’
‘Not at first.’ He forced himself to say the words out loud. ‘But when she found out it broke her heart.’
‘Oh, Luke.’ Her eyes turned dove-grey. ‘So that’s where all this guilt comes from. This is why you punish yourself.’
She knew how badly he’d failed Tammy, and yet she was still standing here. Didn’t she know—?
‘You told me you never cheated on Tammy, or made her feel guilty for falling pregnant, and that you weren’t cruel to her.’ She took a step towards him. ‘You can’t keep punishing yourself like this.’
He dropped back to the bench, head in his hands, and tried to beat back the darkness. She perched beside him. She didn’t touch him, but the scent of vanilla drifted around him, torturing him with its sweetness.
‘You don’t get it. I told her I loved her. I thought I did.’ If only he could relive that day, spare her. ‘And we…’ He lifted his head. ‘I was her first and…’
‘And then Jason happened?’
He nodded heavily. ‘She gave up all her dreams to have him.’
‘No, she didn’t. You took her to the city, didn’t you?’
He dragged a hand down his face. ‘That didn’t make up for lying to her!’
‘You didn’t know it was a lie at the time.’
He straightened. The pain pierced his very core. ‘You didn’t see her face when she demanded to know the truth—did I love her or not?’ Tammy had known him so well. His hands clenched. ‘It was like…the lights went out.’
Keira’s eyes filled with tears. For his dead wife? ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered. ‘You didn’t mean to hurt her.’
‘Do you think that’s any consolation?’ The words broke from him, harsh and loud. ‘I loved my home more than the woman I married. I chose this—’ he flung an arm out’—over her. What kind of man does that make me?’
‘Oh, Luke.’
No! He didn’t want her sympathy. He didn’t deserve it. The vision of Tammy’s stricken face, her tear-swollen eyes, filled his mind. Her mute pain. Her guilt. Her guilt!
He gave a harsh laugh, leapt to his feet. He’d betrayed her—his best friend. He’d have laid his life down for her in an instant, but he hadn’t been able to do the one thing that would have made a difference—love her the way she’d loved him.
And then she’d died and…and the despair…
And the release.
He hated himself for it.
‘I don’t deserve a second chance, Keira. I’m sorry, but I can’t be what you want me to be. I might love you now, but in the end I’ll do to you what I did to Tammy.’
‘You can’t know that!’
He remained silent. There was nothing left to say.
‘And the fact that I love you and that you care about me—that doesn’t make any difference?’
The panic that raced across her face snagged at his heart. He couldn’t let it make a difference. ‘I can’t be trusted.’ He had to protect her.
She shot to her feet, stabbed a finger at him. ‘You think you know what’s best for everyone, but you’re wrong!’ Her finger shook. ‘You’ll sacrifice your happiness and mine to that belief because you’re an emotional coward who doesn’t have the gumption to take a risk!’ She flung an arm out, swung away only to swing back again. ‘How dare you preach to me about going after my dream of motherhood when you refuse to even dream at all?’
She dragged in a breath, and he could almost see her count to three. She took a step away from him. ‘It’s been a big day. I’m tired. I’m going to take a nap. There are a lot of leftovers. I propose that if we get hungry later we just make ourselves up a plate.’
With that, she turned and left. Luke realised she’d just become the lodger he’d so desperately wanted two weeks ago. And now—now all he wanted was the warm, vibrant woman that was Keira.
Chapter Twelve
LUKE paced the edge of the crowd, astounded at the number of people who had shown up for the auction. Keira’s estate agent had drummed up an enormous amount of interest in record time.
He wished he could feel more impressed about that.
He glanced at Keira’s great-aunt’s house—Keira’s house—and a rock settled in his chest. She should have had the chance to live and work there, to have her baby and run her physiotherapy clinic and be surrounded by a community who would have embraced her.
His fists clenched. It should have all been hers!
It still could be.
He pushed that insidious thought away. He couldn’t give her what she needed.
<
br /> And he wasn’t an emotional coward. He was trying to protect her!
He glanced at the house again and the rock grew. He glanced over at Keira, who was talking to the estate agent, and the rock developed jagged edges. He’d wanted to bring her to the auction today, but she’d refused to let him. She’d packed up her car, intent on returning to Sydney as soon as the auction was over. He should be out in that boundary paddock of his, demolishing weeds.
He hadn’t been able to stay away.
Her red-gold hair gleamed in the sunshine. Darn it, she wasn’t wearing a hat. If she weren’t careful she’d burn to a crisp.
You’ll sacrifice your happiness and mine.
His happiness didn’t matter, and he wasn’t sacrificing hers. She’d find someone new, someone worthy of her love, and—
His thought processes stumbled to a halt. He rewound his previous thought, went back over it carefully to test its truth, its validity. Did he seriously mean that—that her happiness was more important than his?
His mouth went dry. If his happiness didn’t matter…then…
His head reared back. What a blind fool he’d been! His feelings for Keira were so far beyond what he’d ever felt for any other woman as to be laughable. He’d do anything to give her what she wanted, what she needed. He’d make any sacrifice…
Including Candlebark.
He swore—low and swift—as he tried to counter the panic racing through him. Had he left it too late? Through the crowd he identified the grey hair and sloping shoulders of his bank manager. Without further ado he shouldered his way through the crowd towards him.
‘I mean to bid and I mean to win,’ he said without preamble. ‘Will you stake me a bridging loan until I can sell Candlebark?’
The bank manager was clearly stunned. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes.’
Luke held out his hand. The other man shook it. ‘Done.’
Once the bidding on Great-Aunt Ada’s house had started, Keira couldn’t look at the crowd. She didn’t have the heart for it.
