Wild and Free

by Vella Munn

  “Oh, God!” Calley couldn’t stop herself. She launched herself out of the chair and onto the bed. She tried to pull Dean against her, but he remained frozen, staring out at something she couldn’t see. At least he let her take his cold hands in her own.

  “I knew my only chance was if I played dead. Have you ever tried to make yourself go limp when a bear is ripping the jacket off your back? When he picks you up in his jaws and drags you toward the mountains? When Hawk scared them off by shooting at them, I thought I was hallucinating. I don’t remember much of that part.”

  Calley felt the shudder rip through Dean’s body. She didn’t think his reaction would have been this intense if he’d spoken about it before. But for reasons she didn’t understand, he’d buried the experience deep inside him and let it fester. Now it was almost more than he could handle. “I wish you’d told me earlier.”

  “I couldn’t.” Dean turned toward her, but Calley couldn’t be sure he was really seeing her. “I’ve thought about telling you a hundred times, but I never knew how to get started. Calley, this is hard to say, but—I didn’t know it was possible to be that scared.”

  “You lived through it,” she said gently. This was the one experience that would always separate them. She couldn’t possibly imagine the hell he’d been in. Just the same, she wondered if what she was feeling would reach him. “That’s what counts. You’re alive.”

  “I have nightmares.”

  “I know that.” Even though it was an artificial gesture, she smiled at him. “I might have been able to help if I’d known what the nightmares were about.”

  “I told myself you didn’t want to hear this, but now I know I was looking for excuses.”

  “I know you were,” Calley agreed. She was relieved to see a little expression reentering his face. His eyes were no longer closed. They were still too large, but at least he was focusing. “Hawk and Waina knew what you’d gone through. They were the ones who found you. Weren’t you able to talk to them?”

  Dean shook his head. “Afterward, they flew me to a hospital in Anchorage. Hawk couldn’t leave the park for long, and Waina—She flew with me, but I told her I didn’t want her to stay.”

  “Oh, Dean! I can’t believe the two of you couldn’t put your problems behind you at least until you were out of the hospital.”

  Dean’s laugh was derisive. “That’s what she tried to tell me, but I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want her to know that I couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing those two bears, remembering how helpless I felt.”

  “You wanted her to leave thinking that you were something more than human.” Calley didn’t care whether her disgust showed. Dean had done everything in his power to deny emotions that anyone would understand. As a result, he hadn’t come to grips with the attack and its aftermath on him. “They say that if you fall off a bike you’re supposed to pick yourself up and get back on. You didn’t go back to Toklat.”

  “I didn’t get out of the hospital for a month,” Dean said without moving his clenched jaw. “By then I had other responsibilities. I couldn’t.”

  “I’m not going to argue that point with you.” Calley ran her fingers under the buttons of Dean’s shirt. His heart was beating just beyond her reach. “But you’re going to have to now.”

  “I know.”

  “You won’t be alone,” Calley said softly. “Hawk and I will be there.”

  “I know,” Dean repeated. “Those two won’t be waiting for me. It’ll be different this time.” He wasn’t sure he believed a word of what he’d just said.

  Calley was watching him too closely. “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. It isn’t going to change how I feel about you.”

  “I’m going,” Dean said through tight lips. “It’s too late to back down now. What time is it? I’m hungry.”

  Calley turned over Dean’s wrist so she could look at his watch. It was four in the afternoon. They’d gone through the meeting without a break. “I’ll buy you lunch,” she offered.

  Dean nodded agreement, but when Calley started to slide off the bed, he pulled her back against him. “We could wait for dinner,” he whispered.

  “What would you like to do while we wait?”

  Dean covered her offered lips with his own, but even as he felt himself sinking into her arms, he was aware of the mental warning bell that refused to be silent. Calley Stewart read him so well. Too well. She knew when he wanted to make love and when he needed to talk. He wondered if she knew how he’d handle himself at Toklat if they came across a grizzly.

  He also wondered how she could continue to love him if he failed this test.

  Chapter Eleven

  Nothing could possibly have prepared Calley for her first view of Mount McKinley. Although Hawk had warned her that the highest peak on the North American continent rose over twenty thousand feet, seeing it emerge triumphant from the other mountains as they flew near, took her breath away.

  She was aware of cameras clicking as the politicians took pictures, but even when Dean leaned across her for a look, she didn’t take her eyes off the formidable mass. “Denali,” Dean said. “Home of the Sun.”

  “A good name,” Calley admitted. “Look at the glaciers, Dean. When I think that they’ve been there for centuries—It dominates everything. I can’t believe people actually climb it.”

  “To tell the truth, neither can I.” Dean wrapped his arm around her. “Hawk and I talk about climbing it, but fortunately we’ve never had time.”

  Calley laughed but continued to watch as the plane skirted the mountain, giving a view of barren peaks that seemed to be challenging her and mocking her frail strength. Hawk explained that he would have preferred to pass over later in the day. “Around midday the sunlight glistens on the snow and the glaciers. It’s too bright for some cameras to capture. But twilight is when the mountain really shows off. The mountain is covered by delicate pastel shades that change every few minutes. That’s when I stop thinking about how majestic it is and admit that its beauty is timeless.”

  Calley glanced at Hawk. She was surprised to hear him speak of the mountain with reverence, but as low-lying clouds drifted around the mountain, cloaking it in a soft white mantle, she saw that Denali was capable of reaching the deepest senses. She shivered slightly. “No wonder they made this area into a national park. That mountain is something no one can ignore.”

  The small plane touched down at park headquarters. After spending a few minutes transferring cameras and people, Hawk got behind the wheel of the park minivan and started on the road that led to the Toklat River area. Although the mountain hadn’t been visible from the headquarters, it wasn’t long before Calley was catching glimpses of it, this time from ground level. Calley was content with what she could see from a window. It was one of those days of rare perfection for the park. Although it was cool and the wind was blowing, there was none of the rain Hawk had warned them against, and the wind was keeping the clouds from settling around the mountains.

  “How many people have died climbing that thing?” one of the politicians asked as he was loading his second roll of film into his camera.

  Hawk shrugged. “I’d have to look that up. It isn’t that inexperienced people attempt to climb it; it’s just that storms are always a factor. It can take up to three weeks to make the climb. I’m sorry we couldn’t do this a few weeks later. You might have been able to see the caribou migration.”

  Calley had been sitting with Dean in the seat directly behind Hawk. She leaned forward. “Do you think we’ll see any caribou?”

  “Could be. They range all over the park. This time of the year both males and females have antlers, so it’s quite a show. What you should visit, though, is the mainland across from Barter Island. That’s the true calving ground. You know, if you were smart, you’d get that boss of yours to take a year off to give you a decent introduction to Alaska.”

  “Sure,” Dean said, laughing. “I get as much free time as you do. I’m afraid that
for now Calley is going to have to be content with a weekend.”

  Calley took Dean’s hand, cradling it in her lap. She’d expected him to be tense and uptight, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. He’d added to what Hawk was telling the visitors about the frustrations and pleasures of managing a wilderness area encompassing thousands of square miles. He’d brought the reality of never-ending night into focus by describing the simple message “No More Dark” etched in the ice on the side of a small school. As they traveled on the only road through the park, Dean pointed out where moose, wolves, red fox, golden eagles and grizzlies were occasionally spotted without having to leave a car.

  Calley wished she understood the change in Dean’s behavior. Surely it hadn’t been easy for him to close his mind to the reality of returning to the site where he’d nearly lost his life. Obviously he loved this country. Maybe the answer was as simple as that.

  “I wish we could stay longer,” Calley admitted as they passed a slower-moving car on the paved single-lane road. “I’d like to be here after the tourists have left.”

  “No, you wouldn’t,” Dean pointed out. “Not unless you’re into months of subzero weather.”

  “I’m not asking for a weather report,” Calley shot back, although her eyes refused to be serious. “I’m indulging in a little fantasy right now.”

  “How about it, Dean?” Hawk spoke up. He kept his voice low so it wouldn’t carry to the other passengers. “We could get rid of these three characters and take Calley for serious exploring tomorrow. What’s another day or two here?”

  “Are the two of you ganging up on me?” Dean asked. “Some of us happen to have work waiting for us.”

  “Work!” Hawk snorted. “Work can wait. You’re not going to deny Calley the opportunity to spend some extra time in my presence. I can take her places she’s never been before.”

  “Spare me,” Dean said with a laugh. “We’ll see. Let me call the university tonight.”

  Calley tried to hide her excitement, but a delighted laugh escaped nonetheless. “I packed an extra pair of jeans. And I haven’t used up all my film.”

  “Between you and Melinda there isn’t enough film left in the stores for the rest of the world,” Dean pointed out. “I’m not making any promises. We have plane reservations back to Montana for tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow be hanged,” Hawk snorted. A moment later he pulled the minivan over to the side of the road and allowed his passengers to get out to try for a better picture of a golden eagle whose weight bent the top of a scraggly tree. Calley and Dean scrambled out together, but when one of the congressmen called Dean over, Hawk signaled for Calley to join him.

  “There’s something you should know,” the park supervisor whispered. “While we were at headquarters, I checked on some reports we’d been getting about a grizzly and her cub near Toklat. She’s torn up at least two camping sites in the past week. She’s still at it. Apparently, last night she took off after a hiker less than a mile from the ranger station there. The hiker threw off his backpack, and while she was tearing that apart, he did the four-minute mile.”

  Calley tensed. “Should we be taking these men to Toklat?”

  “We won’t be getting far from the road,” Hawk explained. “Because of the flat, open terrain there, any grizzlies they see will be through binoculars. But, Calley, I’m going to have to move this old female grizzly.” Hawk was staring down at her, his eyes deeper than she’d ever seen them.

  Calley swallowed, as what Hawk was saying sunk in. He didn’t want Dean and her here an extra day only so they could play tourist; there was work for them to do. “She’s near where Dean was attacked, isn’t she?” Calley said with deadly finality.

  “She could be. Calley, Dean isn’t a coward. He didn’t panic on you when the two of you were treed. He told me about that. I don’t think he knew what else he was telling me. He doesn’t know how strong he is inside. I do. I think you do, too. I hope we can show him.”

  “By forcing him to capture a rogue grizzly?” Calley fought the shiver spiking through her spine. “He wouldn’t do that to me. He deserves the same treatment.”

  “I know it.” Hawk dragged his weathered hand through wind-tossed hair. “The push has to come from inside Dean. But, Calley, he’s never going to be free until he’s faced his demons.”

  Calley wanted to tell Hawk that Dean wasn’t any less a man because he had to live with the memories of a nightmarish attack. She loved him for what he was. He was capable of touching her in ways she’d never been touched before. But as much as she hated admitting it, Hawk was right. Although Dean was all she’d ever want him to be, he wasn’t content with what he saw in himself.

  But what if he failed the test? What if he couldn’t stand near Toklat River and sight down a tranquilizing gun at a grizzly? Would he be able to live with himself?

  “Tell him. Ask him when the time is right,” she said reluctantly. “But the decision has to be his. I’ll back him no matter what he says.”

  “I knew you would.” Hawk put his arm around Calley’s shoulder. “Did I tell you how damn lucky that man is to have found you?”

  “I’m the lucky one,” Calley whispered.

  Once everyone was back in the minivan, Hawk continued on the road, which became a graveled surface once they reached Savage River. They slowed to a crawl on the winding, narrow road with its many sharp curves. Hawk pointed out that between here and Toklat the road wound through the foothills of the Alaska Range. The foothills here were covered with vegetation, but soon the road would take them through areas of both swampy taiga and treeless tundra.

  Hawk pulled off before the road crossed the bridge. He locked eyes with Dean for a minute before turning to his guests. “If you don’t have your boots on, I’d suggest you do that now. We don’t want any twisted or broken ankles. With any luck you’re going to see what all the controversy is about. The river is still pretty high. We won’t be able to cross it, and that will limit how far we can go. We’re going to be making our way through the river channels. There’s a wide valley filled with gravel created by the river. We’ll be sharing a route the bears take.”

  One of the politicians voiced concern about being unarmed when leaving the vehicle but Hawk reassured them that the land was open enough that there was little danger of a bear sneaking up on them. “The grizzlies’ den is in the brushy willows along the banks, but this time of day any that are in the area will be out and about. We’ll let you know if we find fresh signs. Keep your binoculars on the mountain slopes. You might see some Dall sheep.”

  Calley waited for Dean to either get up or move aside so she could get out of the minivan. He was staring straight ahead, all emotion sucked from his face.

  “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Calley whispered.

  “Yeah, I do. It happened five miles from here. This doesn’t look like hell, does it?”

  Calley shivered as Dean’s deathlike voice reached her. She held out her hand to help him to his feet, but he ignored it. “Don’t patronize me, Calley. I don’t need a keeper.”

  Calley bit back a retort. She wanted to shake him and make him realize that she’d never been down this road before and might make mistakes, but this wasn’t the time for anger. If Calley loved him as much as she said she did, she’d weather his emotions. “What do you want me to do?” she asked softly.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want from myself.” He turned away from her and exited from the van.

  Hawk explained that the politicians were to stick close to him and then struck off downstream, the men following close behind. Calley and a silent Dean brought up the rear. Hawk explained that it was along the lower branch of the Toklat that Charles Sheldon, the man responsible for the park’s existence, spent a winter studying the wildlife of the area and becoming convinced that the land should be set aside as a sanctuary for that wildlife.

  “It’s spectacular,” one of the men said to no one in particular. Mountains rose
on either side of the river, the lower green slopes contrasting with the reddish rocks above. The man’s open smile faded a little when Hawk pointed at a small craterlike hole made by a bear digging for ground squirrels.

  Dean took Calley’s hand, holding it but not speaking to her. His eyes were constantly sweeping over the open terrain. Fifteen minutes into the hike he whistled low and pointed toward a mountain slope. Calley lifted her binoculars and brought them into focus. The white dots she’d mistaken as tricks of the eye turned into a small group of heavy-horned Dall sheep dozing under the sun. “They look like aristocrats,” she whispered. “They’re smaller than I thought they’d be, but they’re so white. I count, what, three young ones.”

  “They look pretty sure of themselves,” one of the men observed. “Don’t they have to be on the lookout for bears?”

  Dean managed a short laugh. “Not as long as they stay high in the mountains. Their true natural enemies are wolves, but wolves don’t get that high, either.”

  “Then what do the grizzlies eat?” the man asked. “Other than us, that is.”

  When Calley realized that Dean wasn’t going to answer, she explained that the usual diet of grizzlies consisted of everything from rodents and fish to roots and berries. “They’ll go after larger creatures, but not if there’s an adequate food supply. And they don’t make a habit of dining on congressmen.”

  “That’s a relief,” the man said. “I wonder if it’s true that animals can smell fear. If it is, I’m putting out signals that can be picked up for miles.”

  The two-mile hike to where the valley bent southward was uneventful. Calley was impressed by the view of the Divide Mountains to her right and green rolling hills covered with dwarf birch and willow to her left, but Dean’s silent tension had seeped into her, making it impossible for her to concentrate on everything Hawk was telling them.

  She was torn between wanting to spot a grizzly so that the visitors would be able to see the magnificent creatures and her concern about how well Dean would handle it. She’d sensed his tension when they were tagging the grizzly at the Flathead and later when they were treed, but until he’d told her everything, she’d attributed his emotion to caution. If only it were that simple.