Spit and Grit

by Jeanie P Johnson

  Granger will go home and tell my mother he couldn’t find me. Now she will worry something horrible has happened to me. I have to admit something horrible has happened to me. I put myself in danger by agreeing to go with Martin, thinking I could take care of myself, instead of allowing Granger to go with us, in order to watch over me. And now I am out here on the ocean sailing to heaven knows where, and I will be having a baby out in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should just put an end to my misery and throw myself into the sea, I think sadly.

  I pull the apple from my pocket and take a bite to distract myself from such thoughts. Then lift the book up and start to read it.

  It is a story about a girl who is in love with her cousin, but her father, who is ambitious, knows the king is interested in his daughter. He thinks if he makes it easy for the king to become acquainted with his daughter, that he will actually want to marry her. The king comes to dinner, and since the daughter has never seen the king before, she merely thinks he is a friend of her father’s from court.

  Meanwhile, the cousin is angry that she is having dinner with another man and barges in to confront the two. The daughter is so embarrassed, because the man she is having dinner with, was someone from the court, and she knows it will go bad for her father if her cousin challenges the man to a duel. Therefore, she throws herself at the king and asks his forgiveness for the actions of her cousin. He says he will forgive the boy if she agrees to have a private dinner with him. She agrees, and the next night, he invites her to the palace to dine with him alone.

  After dinner, the king begins to seduce the girl and since she does not want to displease a man of the court, she allows him to take advantage of her. He invites her every night. She feels she must comply and continues to have a love affair with the king. The cousin becomes jealous and wants to kill the king, not knowing it is the king.

  The more I read, the angrier I become because of the silly girl and the stupid king and the poor cousin who merely loves the girl and would do anything to have her back, not thinking if he kills the king, he will never have her back. I throw the book onto the floor of the boat, and lay back and close my eyes.

  The sun is so warm and comforting, it lulls me to sleep. I had not slept well the night before because of the way Randolph had left me feeling. There was nothing much else to do, so I let myself drift into another world where Granger would give me the love, that Randolph refused me. I can’t really blame him though. After all, there is no way I can ever marry him, but having to feel so lonely and not even be able to visit with the crew to, distract me from it, weighs heavy on my senses. I want to be out riding Rocket over the range, instead of floating on an endless ocean.

  I can hear my name being called, but I do not want to be pulled out of my dream, so I try to ignore it. It isn’t until I start to feel chilly that I finally open my eyes and realize there are stars in the sky now. I had slept the day away. I had been lying on an extra sail that had been tossed in the boat, and so I pull it over me, to block out the chill in the air, and stare up at the stars that stretch into eternity. The bright sparkles dot the endless the sky to fill the mind with mystery, just looking at them.

  The stars out at sea seem so much different than the stars at home. I had spent many a night looking up at the stars out on the range, but then there were trees and mountains and hills. They were something solid to cling to, once I tired of watching the stars. Here there is nothing but a single ship, floating alone in the middle of the ocean, and no way to get off of it.

  I try to go back to sleep, but I can’t do it. Instead, I feel tears streaking down my cheeks as my shoulders shudder and I gulp for air, that is hard to breathe because of the pain in my throat from crying.

  “Mazy…is that you?” I hear a low voice call, and then I feel the boat shift slightly, as someone climbs in beside me. “God, Mazy, what in the hell are you doing in this boat? I thought you had fallen overboard or perhaps, jumped!”

  Randolph is pulling me into his arms, but I stiffen.

  “Leave me alone. I refuse to be your prisoner or your pretend wife. I want off this ship as soon as you dock someplace and I’ll find my own way home!” I hiss.

  “Maybe that is the best thing,” Randolph says quietly, even though he does not let me go. “You will be having a baby before we ever get back to the states. A ship is no place for a woman or a baby,” he murmurs. “The first ship we pass going back to the mainland, I will flag down and put you aboard.”

  I sit stunned to believe that he would agree so easily. Granger would have balked and refused to let me go. He would have insisted it was too dangerous, or he couldn’t bear to be parted with me. However, Randolph seems relieved to offer to put me off his ship. I am too much of a worry to him and he doesn’t want to be bothered with me. It makes me feel even worse, in spite of the fact that he is giving me what I wanted. I am wondering what I really want?

  “Come back to the cabin, Mazy,” he tells me as he stands up and helps me out of the boat.

  “I’m not sleepy,” I tell him. “I have slept all day.”

  “All right then, you can come and stand at the helm with me,” he tells me and he brings me to where he steers the ship.

  Randolph places his arms on either side of me as he puts his hands on the huge wheel. I lean back against him, while the wind whips against both of us. He doesn’t speak. He merely rests his chin on my head, and every once in awhile, I can feel him turning and kissing my hair. It causes a chill to go through me. When he feels me shiver, he removes one hand from the wheel and places it around my waist.

  “I thought I lost you, Mazy,” he whispers. “You scared me half to death.”

  Then he is silent and we don’t speak the whole time, but he won’t release me from his tight grip.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Randolph brings me to the cabin after he hands the wheel over to someone else to steer the ship. He takes my dress off and places me on the bed and then he takes his clothes off as well. I feel him sink down in the bed beside me, bringing my back up against his hardness as he wraps his arms around me.

  “When I thought you had gone overboard,” he whispers in my ear, “I didn’t think I could go on living without you, Mazy. Still, at the same time, I realized this is no kind of life for you. No matter how much I want you beside me, it is not fair to keep you here. It would be selfish of me to insist you remain, so I’m sending you home. Only it is not because I don’t want you here. Lord knows I want you here.”

  And then his arms tighten around me. He lays the side of his cheek against my cheek and I can feel dampness on my cheek. I realize he is crying. my heart just melts because I know, unlike Granger, he would be willing to give me up, in order to make sure I was happy.

  I turn and face him as I start to kiss his tears away, but I don’t know what to say, so I just start kissing his body, the same way he had kissed mine before. My fingers begin to stroke his smooth muscles, while my mouth plays against his skin. His body gives a little shudder, as I do it. My tongue licks over the taut skin of his chest and wanders to his navel. It is light in the cabin because it is morning and I gaze over the beautiful shape of him, as my finger starts to trace over his masculine anatomy. I want to feel his skin against my mouth, the same way he felt mine. I will be leaving him, I think, but before I do, I want to experience all of him. My mouth settles on him, his low groan fills my ears, and his strong fingers tangle in my hair, as I begin to discover the power I have over him. The taste of him thrills me and he welcomes my touch crying out with pleasure.

  Slowly, I lift and lay myself over him. He starts to stop me, but I won’t allow. I continue before he can prevent it, and when I do, he crushes me against him, calling out my name. Then, I slowly begin to make love to him, prodded on by his murmurs of pleasure, and the love that is growing within me at every move.

  Randolph turns me on the bed and his lips lock over mine. He moves with determination, and perhaps, desperation because I realize he is still crying. He s
aid he would not make love to me unless he could make me his wife, but I know he is not going to do that, and maybe that is why he is crying.

  “I love you, Randolph,” I whisper. “I wish the baby I am carrying was yours.”

  He doesn’t answer. His body just shudders and I can feel the essence of his soul become a part of me. I never want this moment to end, but it does, and when it does, we cling to each other. Randolph has not said a word to me the whole time, but the fact that he won’t let me out of his arms tells me how he feels.

  Randolph makes love to me several times during the time we lay in each other’s arms, but he doesn’t tell me he loves me once. I think if he tells me, he won’t let me go, so maybe it is better if he doesn’t, I tell myself.

  Finally we fall asleep, still clinging to each other as though we are afraid if we let go the other one will just disappear. I think eventually I will disappear and never see Randolph again.

  After that, Randolph takes me out on deck with him every night, while he steers the ship. Sometimes he holds me in front of him and other times, he lets me wander on deck since most of the crew are sleeping. We sleep together during the day, but he never makes love with me again, even though we always remove our clothes. His hands caress me, and sometimes he caresses me with his mouth. Still, we seldom talk. I think he is afraid of what I might say or maybe what he might say.

  Other times, we play chess or cards. We read books to each other and I see him looking at me from time to time with a worried look on his face, but I never ask him what he is thinking. I begin to feel very comfortable around Randolph, even though we refrain from mentioning any plans except for the fact that he will hand me off to the first ship that passes, which is heading to the states. He says he will make sure he knows the captain of whatever ship he puts me on, so he will know I will be safe.

  The days blow by and we have not passed any ships. Sometimes I hope that we don’t, and other times I wish we would, so I wouldn’t have to look at the sadness on Randolph’s face when he looks at me.

  The wind is whipping up, and I remember the first night I was on the ship and we had hit a small storm, but Randolph tells me this is not going to be a small storm and I need to go down below. Already, the sky is dumping out water, and my hair is plastered to my face. I remember the storm when Granger helped me look for my cows. A flash of lightning knifes through the sky, followed by a loud clap of thunder, that makes my ears ring. Randolph is pushing me down into the cabin and the is frantically lowering the sails, as the water tosses the ship like it was a mere cork on the water. Just before he closes the door, I see a wave so high, it reaches up above the ship and we sink down between two huge waves. The sight of it frightens me.

  Everything in the cabin, that is not tied down, is scooting across the floor and bouncing off of shelves. I hunker down in the bed, shivering as the ship rises and sometimes suddenly falls like some God has lifted it in his hand and then dropped it in the water again. I shriek in fear, but I know my shrieking is not going to save me. And then I feel a warmness between my legs and I put my hand there. It comes out with blood on it. I think I have hurt myself somehow and didn’t realize it. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach and I instinctively know what it is. I must be losing the baby.

  I stagger across the room, clinging to the table and the desk, as I grab for a towel to put between my legs. Then I collapse onto the bed again, while another pain grips me. I cry out in fear and pain and can’t even hear my own cries over the noise of the storm.

  There is no way Randolph can hear me, or come, even if he could hear me. I realize there is nothing he can do even if he did come. I ride out the storm, while I ride out the pain that wants to expel that foreign object inside of me like it doesn’t believe it belongs there. Maybe it doesn’t, I think, but if it is Granger’s child, I would want it there. Sweat is pouring from my face, as I pant against the pain that grips me at intervals.

  Maybe the ship will sink, I think and put us all out of our misery. I cower trembling in the bed, as the ship begins to rise and fall less drastically. The wood stops groaning and the lamp stops swinging erratically. The pains have subsided as well. It is like the ship wants to rock me to sleep in an effort to apologize for its previous violence. The towel is soaked with blood and my body is racked with sobs. Then Randolph bursts into the room.

  He is soaked to the skin, and like before, he starts throwing his wet clothes off and hardly notices me. Then he pauses, and the next moment he is kneeling beside me, and crying “Oh no,” as he sees the blood-soaked towel. I feel him dragging me up in his arms.

  “Mazy, Mazy,” he keeps crying. “I’m so sorry, Mazy! You should never have allowed me to make love to you. It must have brought this on!”

  I don’t say anything. What is there to say? Maybe it is a blessing, I think. Now I don’t have to pretend anymore. Now I don’t have to worry about what I am going to do with a baby, and whose baby it really is. I am glad Randolph made love to me, not because of losing the baby because of it, but because I couldn’t have carried on if Randolph had never made love to me.

  After a while, Randolph takes my dress off and removes the towel. He washes all the blood off of me and puts one of his shirts on me, then puts me back in the bed. Randolph crawls into bed beside me and holds me to him, rocking me gently. Finally, I go to sleep. I don’t ever want to wake up again, I think.

  Only I do wake up. I see that Randolph is not in the room. My dress and the towel are gone and I assume Randolph has taken them out to wash them. The room has been put back in order again, and it is like nothing had ever happened. It is like the storm and me carrying a child had all been a figment of my imagination. If we don’t talk about it, it will be like it just never happened and my life should go back to normal again. A fleeting thought crosses my mind that since I lost the baby, I could remain on the ship with Randolph.

  However, that thought is dashed. Randolph feels guilty for me losing the baby, and things can’t go back to normal. I don’t feel normal. I don’t even feel real. It is like I am in a daze and nothing matters any longer. Granger is not around, Randolph is sending me back home, and I don’t have to look forward to motherhood. Something inside of me has changed, more than just losing the baby. It is like I don’t even feel anymore. I don’t care anymore. I could sail on this ship forever and it wouldn’t matter at all, I think.

  Randolph comes in and smiles at me.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks.

  “Tired,” I say quietly.

  “Are you hungry?” he wants to know.

  “No,” I tell him. “I just want to sleep.”

  I turn my back to him and close my eyes. I don’t even want to look at him. Now the sadness in his eyes is a different kind of sadness. I am not sure what kind of sadness it is? It must be because he feels guilty. He said it was his fault I lost the baby. Nonetheless, he must know that losing the baby has solved a large problem for me.

  I continue to sleep. It is like I just don’t ever want to wake up. I feel like there is no reason for me to wake up. When I do open my eyes, Randolph is sitting on the bed with a bowl of something. He wants to feed me, but I turn my head and close my eyes again.

  “You have to eat something sometime,” Randolph tells me.

  He almost sounds mad, but he seems at a loss because maybe he doesn’t know what to do for a woman who has lost her child before it is even born.

  I wake up and feel Randolph stroking my hair and then he is snuggled down beside me. It must be the next day because he falls asleep, almost as soon as he lays down.

  My dreams are muddled. I keep dreaming about Granger, but then his face changes and it is Randolph that I am dreaming of. They both make love to me, but I can’t tell which one is making love to me. I can feel Randolph’s hands smoothing over my body, as he holds me, and when he sees my eyes open, he smiles at me. I turn away from him and close my eyes again. I don’t want to see his face because I am going to be leaving him soon. I just
want to forget him. I even think I want to forget Granger as well.

  “You have to eat something today,” Randolph is telling me, and he pulls me up in bed, holding me against his arm. He takes a spoon of broth and brings it to my lips. I merely turn my head.

  “Stop it, Mazy! Stop being stubborn!”

  He pushes the spoon against my teeth and I swipe it away with my hand.

  “You have to snap out of it, Mazy. I know you are hurting over all of this, but you need to eat. You aren’t sick, you are just being rebellious!”

  Randolph forces my mouth open and pours broth in, but I spit it out and he growls at me. He slams the bowel against the table and gets up and leaves the room. Every hour he comes in and tries to get me to eat, but I don’t feel like eating. I don’t even feel like breathing, only even when I hold my breath, I just take another breath against my will. If I was strong enough, I would just go throw myself off the ship and I think Randolph fears this because he always locks the door when he leaves me alone.

  After the third day of me not eating, Randolph really starts to worry.

  “What do you want me to do, Mazy? What will make you want to eat? You can’t just waste away. You have your whole life ahead of you. I will be sending you home and you can go find Granger. You can marry him like he wanted you to. You can start fresh and have new babies. Then you will know they belong to Granger. Just start eating again.”

  I just stare at him and don’t say anything. He wraps the blanket around me and picks me up and takes me out on deck and sits with me in his arms. The wind blows through my hair and the salt sea smell touches my senses. Randolph lays my head against his shoulder and rocks me.

  “I love you Mazy and I don’t want you to die. You have to start eating. Do it for me, Mazy. Don’t make me bury you at sea!”