Don't Ask, Don't Tell

by M. T. Pope

  I was so stunned, my feet stopped moving. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I never wanted to hit someone so badly as I did at that moment.

  “Darn, what is your problem?”

  “All you motherfuckers are my problem.” By this time, the rest of the platoon had caught up and formed a small circle around us.

  “Why are you yelling at me? You trying to get us in trouble?”

  “I don’t give a flying fuck, just leave me alone.” I continued walking but the throng followed me.

  “Is this a lovers’ quarrel?” The others started laughing, but to me it wasn’t funny.

  I froze as I tried to control my emotions but I was fighting a losing battle. Oh no, this troll bitch didn’t try to punk me in front of our squad. “Bitch, please. Nobody would want your rancid-ass pussy if you served it up honey glazed with a side order of collard greens and some mac and cheese.” The squad roared at my joke but it must have pissed off the girl because she launched herself at me like a nuclear missile. I hit the compacted earth hard, as tiny pebbles poked through my uniform into my back. I shoved the woman aside so I could get up from the tortuous bed of rocks I’d landed on.

  “Bitch, are you out your rabbit-ass mind?” I knew the heifa was pissed but she had to be a little bit crazy too to charge me like a linebacker.

  “I got your bitch.” She looked around as if she were looking for a weapon or something and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. This was a bit more than I expected to deal with when I called her out her name, but I couldn’t back down now; all eyes were on me.

  “Fine, then let’s not talk about it, be about it.” I pushed forward as visions of every ass whipping I’d ever taken ran through my head. I was about to take this bitch to work and maybe she’d think twice before she played Mr. Bad-ass again. I pulled back, ready to punch her dead in her face, when someone grabbed me from behind and pinned my arms to my side.

  “Get the fuck off me,” I shouted. I didn’t know who all was holding me, but I was almost as mad at them as I was at the woman who bum-rushed me.

  “Keep your damn voice down before we all get into trouble.” I recognized Anji’s voice but she wasn’t the person holding me, she was blocking the other woman from charging me again. It made me feel good knowing she had my back but this shit wasn’t over. Normally, I was the most peaceable person in the world until you put your hands on me; then, all bets were off.

  “We’ve got forty more days in this bitch. After that, you two can kill each other as far as I’m concerned but I refuse to spend the next two weeks peeling fucking potatoes or running around in the goddamn mud over some dumb shit,” someone spoke.

  I felt my anger dissipate almost as quickly as it flared up. I stopped resisting and began to feel embarrassed by my behavior. After a few more seconds of heavy breathing, my arms were released. My back was still stinging from the rocks, but I tried to be the bigger person.

  “I’m cool.” I shook out my arms as I kept an eye on my opponent. I was willing to bury the hatchet, but I was not about to let my guard down again.

  “What were you thinking?” Anji acted as if she were mad at me as we walked away from the crowd.

  “Excuse me? The bitch attacked me.”

  “Duh, and you told her she couldn’t give her pussy away on a good day. I would have jumped your ass too.”

  The hilarity of it all started with the giggles and gave way to loud cackles of laughter. A picture was worth a thousand words and this picture was priceless. However, my laughter stopped as I pulled my shirt free of my pants. I winced in pain.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Something must have cut me when I hit the ground.” I turned around to see if I could see my back in the mirror but it was bolted too high up for me to adequately see.

  “Let me look.” Anji spun me around before I could object. “Oh wow.” She gulped in air like she was having difficulty breathing.

  “What?” I was alarmed and tried to turn back around to see for myself.

  “You got a few cuts. You might want to go over to sickbay and have them clean them up for you.”

  “Fuck that, they are going to want to know what happened. I’m sure there is something in the first-aid kit I could use.”

  She got the kit in the corner and took out a few things as I unhooked my bra. At first she gently washed my back with a warm washcloth. Her touch was so gentle, it was almost sexual. It’s a good thing I didn’t have a dick or my stimulation would have been noticeable. My nipples were erect but I covered them with my arms.

  “This is going to sting at little.”

  “I don’t care just ... Aw shit!” My body jerked away from her ministrations but she followed me, dabbing at my wounds.

  “See, I told your ass to go to sickbay.” If it bothered her that she was inflicting pain, I couldn’t tell. She followed me around the room until she was satisfied. My back felt like it was on fire and I started to get angry again.

  “You are going to have to rinse out your mouth before you go to bed.”

  “Fuck you.”

  I was enjoying this new Anji but I was still upset about my back. “I’m gonna get that bitch.” It wasn’t a threat, it was a promise. I wasn’t sure when I was going to do it, but it was going to get done.

  “You do and all of us are going to end up in trouble.”

  “She won’t even see it coming and she definitely won’t be able to prove it was me.” I gritted my teeth and waited for her to finish putting on my Band-Aids. I was sure I would be sore for a few days but that only added to my anger.

  “When it heals, I’ll put some cocoa butter on it so that it doesn’t leave a permanent mark.”

  “I guess I’ll be sleeping on my stomach for the next few days.” It was a good thing that bitch didn’t stay on the same side of the barracks or I might have choked the heifa while she was sleeping.

  “I used some Neosporin too and it works fast.”

  “Yeah, right.” I knew I sounded ungrateful so I came back and thanked her. She didn’t have to administer to my wounds so it didn’t hurt me to say it.

  “I still don’t understand what set you off. Normally you’re so cool, but you kinda flipped out this time.”

  This was the perfect opportunity for me to come clean about my sexuality and I was scared shitless. With all that I knew about Anji, I was pretty sure what her reaction would be, but wasn’t this also one of the reasons why I left home in the first place, so I could be myself? I had no problem telling strangers I was gay, but because I cared what Anji thought of me, I was terrified to tell her.

  I tempered my words carefully so I wasn’t revealing so much of myself, but a little about what I was feeling.

  “First of all, I can’t stand judgmental people. And I don’t like to hear folks diss something just because it’s not their cup of tea. Everybody ain’t going to be the same and for someone to stand up and make jokes about something they don’t understand, it got me heated.”

  “But they were just joking.”

  “Seriously? What if they were joking about niggas and making derogatory slurs about us, would you think that was funny too? Their comments were peppered with ignorance and were offensive.”

  “Hey, calm down. She didn’t call you gay or anything like that so it shouldn’t have been so bad.”

  “But I am gay. Now what? Does that change things for you?” She turned another shade darker and seemed like she was at a loss for words. It wasn’t the way I would have wanted to come out of the closet but it was on the table now.

  “You ... You should have told me.” She wouldn’t look me in the eye and this only made me madder.

  “Why? Did you tell me who you like to fuck? It’s none of your damn business because at the end of the day, it doesn’t change who I am. And don’t flatter yourself and think just because I’m gay I want to lick your pussy, because it doesn’t necessarily work like that.”

  “I ... I don’t know what to say. I still t
hink you should have said something.”

  “And I say again, why, so you look at me like the spawn of Satan, much like you’re doing now?”

  The last remark was below the belt, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. Having folks who didn’t know me judge me was one thing, but having someone I spent so much time with and learned to care about was even worse.

  “I understand you’re upset, but I didn’t do anything to you so you need to stop yelling at me.” Anji stood toe to toe with me, pointing her finger in my face much like my father when I told him the truth.

  It was a déjà vu moment and too much for me to handle, so I did the only thing I could think of doing. I ran. I ran away from the pain, humiliation, and shame I felt every time I told someone I cared about how I felt. As I ran, I cried. I could hear Anji running behind me, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t ready to face her and I didn’t care if my actions led to some sort of punishment.

  “Go away, Anji,” I shouted over my shoulder.

  “I can’t, bitch, I’m super-glued to your ass. Now cut the shit and stop running, dammit.”

  I stumbled. Anji was cussing her ass off and it sounded so natural coming from her lips I started laughing. She walked up behind me and slapped me on the back.

  “Ouch, that shit hurt.”

  “It should. Why the fuck are we running? Don’t we get enough of that shit every other day?”

  “So you’re fucking mocking me now? It’s not a joke, Foster.” Pissed, I stopped moving.

  Anji bent over with her head dangling down near her feet. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, which was just as well, because I was also trying to catch my breath.

  “If it were a joke would it be funny?”

  “What? You got that shit from the movie the other night. It’s not original and it’s not even appropriate for the conversation.”

  “Hey, you didn’t start running again, so it worked for me.” She sat down on the ground and drew her knees to her chest.

  She had a point and I sat down beside her. I was confused because a few seconds ago I was ready to kick her ass and now it was very important to me we at least remained friends.

  “Anji, you don’t know what it’s like having to hide who you are just because you don’t want to make other people uncomfortable. It’s not like being black in a room full of white people. They know I’m black right off the bat, so there’s no need for pretense. But when you’re gay, it’s a constant struggle to behave in a manner that makes everyone else feel comfortable. If I see a woman who looks good, I can’t openly stare at her, and God forbid I approach her ’cause that shit can get crazy real quick. And then it’s the damned if you do and damned if you don’t thing. There was this girl in school I was friends with. She found out I was gay in high school and got pissed because I never made a pass at her. She was completely straight, but she said I hurt her feelings. It’s so damn complicated.” I was so emotionally drained, I wanted to cry.

  “I don’t know what to say. We’re going to have to figure it out.”

  What the fuck does that mean?

  Chapter 8

  Anji Foster

  I didn’t make morning formation. I said it was a bad case of cramps but I was lying. They gave me some Motrin and told me to take it easy for the rest of the day.

  “Can I see the chaplain?”

  “I thought you were sick.”

  I almost told the nurse to mind her fucking business but it would have been counter-productive.

  “Haven’t you heard of the power of prayer?”

  “Sounds like some bullshit to me.”

  I might not have fooled her, but she wrote me a pass. I hobbled out of the office like I was on death’s door, but as soon as the door closed, I stood up straight and went to find the chaplain. When we first got to boot camp we were required to attend Sunday service, but now it was optional and I didn’t exercise that option. My rationale at the time was that the army gave us so few opportunities to make a choice that I almost always took advantage of the ones they gave me. When I was exercising my option I didn’t view it as turning my back on God, but in hindsight, I could see where it would be construed as such.

  “Private Foster, I haven’t seen you in a while.”

  I felt like a complete heathen and instantly regretted my decision to come. “Sir, I know I’ve been remiss by not coming to church, but I continue to keep God in my heart.”

  “And that’s a good thing, but remember if you only call the Lord when you’re in need, He might not answer. But if you’re prayed up you’ve paid up, you know what I mean? What can I do for you?” He opened his door and allowed me into his office. After he took his seat behind the desk, I started to speak.

  “Can I speak candidly, sir?”

  “Of course.”

  “Sir, I just found out my battle buddy is gay and I’m having a hard time with it.”

  You can tell a lot about what a person is thinking by their body language. The second I mentioned the word “gay,” his whole demeanor changed. With narrowed eyes, he sat up in his chair and stared at me. It was an intense look and made me very uncomfortable.

  “I see. Have you attended the sensitivity training?”

  “Well yeah, but—”

  “Private, there are no buts. The army does not discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation. As long as there is no threat to combat readiness, we don’t have a problem.”

  “But about my rights? I feel like I’m being forced to live with a person who could be a sexual predator and I don’t have a choice about it. How fair is that?”

  “Life ain’t fair, private. Now the army’s position is clear: either deal with it or leave. You betta not tell. Those are your choices.”

  “Do you condone homosexuality?” I was getting angry and almost forget myself.

  “Whether I condone it is irrelevant.” He stood up, signaling an end to our meeting.

  “Wait, but I’m not finished.”

  “You may not be, but I am. You get paid to follow orders, private, and these orders are clear. If you have a problem with your orders, I suggest you run it up the flagpole and see if it flies in your chain of command.”

  “But what if the next person in my chain of command is gay?”

  For a split second he paused, but if he was going to say something he obviously thought better of it and showed me to the door. “Good luck with that.” He opened the door and impatiently waited for me to leave. Once I cleared the frame, he closed the door. Even with all the people milling around me, I felt alone.

  “Hey, you feeling better? We threw grenades today. That shit was intense.”

  “Yeah, I’m straight.” I flipped over on my bunk. I didn’t feel like talking, least of all to her. I didn’t care about grenades or anything else army related.

  “I got your mail.” I felt it hit my bunk but I didn’t even want to see what was in it. Probably another letter from Rita bearing more bad news and I had enough of that. With the exception of Rita, there wasn’t anyone else. My dad had cut me off so I really was alone. I started crying softly so I wouldn’t attract any attention. If Lauren noticed my shoulders shaking, she didn’t mention it. What bothered me the most was that even if I decided to leave the army, I didn’t have anywhere to go.

  “Are you going to get something to eat?”

  I wanted Lauren to leave me alone, but she wasn’t getting the message. I didn’t want to yell at her but she kept on pushing. Frustrated, I got up, knocking a letter from my father to the floor. I was surprised to see it because I didn’t expect to hear from him so soon. My dad was stubborn, but he had a forgiving spirit. With my heart beating fast, I tore open the envelope. I felt like God was giving me someone else to talk to when my earlier efforts to talk failed. However, my elation was short-lived as I allowed the paper to slip from my fingers.

  “Are you okay?” Lauren was watching me like a hawk.

  “My dad is getting married.”

  “Oh wow. I take it y
ou’re surprised?”

  “Yeah, big time. She’s over half his age and used to be my best friend.”

  “Shocker! Sounds like you need a drink.”

  “You ain’t lying. I need several of them in rapid succession.”

  “How ’bout we skip dinner and go to the bar? If we get hungry, we can order some hot wings or something.”

  I didn’t even think about her being gay when I accepted her offer. I wanted to get drunk and I didn’t necessarily want to do it by myself. She didn’t look gay, so it should have been all right, I reasoned. Even though we’d been out before and it wasn’t a factor, now that I knew, it was different.

  I was pretty much in a fog as we walked to the bar. I couldn’t believe my father would wait until I’d left, then suddenly show interest in a girl who used to come over to my house and spend the night. I was also surprised at Rita’s parents. How could they let their only child marry a man so old, unless they were doing it for financial reasons? My dad wasn’t rich, but he was comfortably secure. They must have seen dollar signs and with me out of the way, there was nothing stopping them.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want my father to be happy, I just couldn’t understand why he wanted to be with a child. But the thing that hurt me worse than anything was the way he told me. His letter was only two sentences long and he could have written it on a postcard and saved himself a few pennies.

  “What did the letter say?” Lauren asked as she handed me my first drink.

  “‘Rita and I are getting married. She told me to tell you hi.’”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yep. No ‘I love you, wish you were here,’ nothing.” I picked up my glass and emptied it.

  “I’ma get you another drink but you’ve got to promise to drink it a little slower. Remember what happened the last time.”

  Any other day I might have heeded the warning, but I was looking forward to drunken oblivion, even if it meant praying to the porcelain god later.

  “Don’t you think it’s perverted for a forty-something-year-old man to be poking a twenty-something girl?”