London from My Windows

by Mary Carter

  “Please,” Ava said.

  Hillary hovered over Ava, hands on her hips. “Are you implying that I might be with child?” Her eyes were flashing. “Or are you saying I’m fat?”

  “Fat? Of course not. You’re a twig.”

  “I’m a two-bit whore then, is that what you’re saying?”

  “Of course not. No more than I’m implying that Francis is a rock star—”

  “Darling, I am a rock star.”

  “Or Georgie is a cruise ship director.”

  “All aboard,” Georgie called out.

  “Not helping!” Ava shouted out.

  Hillary’s eyes were literally flashing.

  “So why did that just pop out of your head?” Hillary said.

  “I don’t know. I’m just trying to be funny.”

  “You are funny. Throwing a party for Queenie on one hand and threatening to go to court on the other.” Going to court? Had she heard that from Jasper? How could Hillary say that in front of all these people?

  “Go to court?” Queenie said, popping up like he had bionic hearing. “Why would you be going to court?”

  “It’s nothing,” Ava said. “I didn’t mean it.” Where was Jasper? Hillary was still standing there. Ava turned over a new sheet in the sketch pad. “I can make you a judge, or a police officer, or a high-society girl—or the Wicked Witch of the West End.” Oh, no. Why did these things keep shooting out of her mouth? Because she loathed Hillary and she couldn’t hide it. What did Jasper ever see in her?

  “The Wicked Witch of the West End!” Franco yelled into the crowd.

  “Did you have a shotgun wedding?” Hillary demanded. God, she’d really upset her.

  “No. I—”

  “Of course not. Because your man was already married with children, wasn’t he?” Oh my God. She was referring to Cliff. How did she know about Cliff? Jasper must have told her. How could he? But she’d never told Jasper about Cliff, had she? This just didn’t make any sense. “Not to mention what a cruel thing it would be for you to have children in your condition.”

  “Excuse me?” Ava gripped the pencil so hard it broke in her palm.

  “Would you lock them up too? Never let them see the sun?”

  “Hillary!” Jasper’s voice rang out. He was here. He heard. Soon he was standing beside Hillary, looking at Ava.

  “You told her,” Ava said.

  “Ava,” Jasper said. He reached for her.

  Ava shot off the stool. “Did you happen to mention I didn’t know he was married or does that not matter at all?”

  “You’re fighting the will?” Queenie asked, stepping forward.

  “On what grounds?”

  “I have to go,” Ava said. She wanted to shut herself in the bedroom. Under the bed, she needed to get under the bed. But she couldn’t move.

  “What’s wrong?” Franco said.

  “She’s not very functional,” Queenie said in another stage whisper. Those were just as annoying as his gasps.

  “I’m highly functional,” Ava said. “Just in a very small area.”

  “How could you even afford to fight the will?” Queenie said.

  “She could sell sketches at parties,” Franco said.

  “She could make a fortune,” Georgie said.

  “Except the parties would always have to come to you, wouldn’t they?” Queenie said.

  “Ah, right,” Georgie said. “The social experiment.”

  “The social experiment?” Queenie said.

  “Ava is undercover,” Franco whispered. “She’s writing a book. The Insider’s Guide to London.”

  “Are you now?” Queenie said.

  “And she’s on Canadian television!” someone yelled out.

  Queenie gasped. “Queenie is going to be on telly,” Ava said. “Very soon.”

  “Ava,” Jasper said. “Let’s go somewhere.” He took her hand. Ava started to rise from the stool. Queenie pushed her back down.

  “It’s my party,” Queenie said. “No serious talk.” He pulled Jasper away.

  Hillary was still standing over Ava.

  “What do you want?” Ava said.

  Hillary put her hands on her knees and bent down so she was in Ava’s face. “Jasper is not your friend. You won’t need to ring him, see him, or talk to him.”

  Ava stood up. “You don’t get to tell me who my friends are.”

  “He pities you. You know that, don’t you? You’re not mistaking that for some kind of affection, are you?”

  “Hillary. Enough.” Jasper was back. He took Ava’s hand, threaded through the partygoers, and walked her out the door.

  CHAPTER 24

  “Please. Just give me a chance to explain.” Jasper sat on the top step and patted the spot next to him. Ava passed him by a few steps, then turned around, but remained standing.

  Jasper looked at her. She hated how turned on she could get by his gaze alone. It wasn’t fair. “Are you browned off? You look browned off.”

  “How could you?” she said. “How did you even know about Cliff—that’s number one. But tell Hillary? She hates me. You not only gave the enemy a gun; you also threw in the ammunition and loaded it for her.”

  “Would you by chance be speaking of a shotgun?” Jasper kept a straight face, but Ava could tell he was trying not to laugh. She bit her lip. That woman had no sense of humor. “Sorry. It’s not what you think, Ava.”

  “I think you’ve had quite enough laughs at my expense.” Jasper reached for Ava’s hand, but she pulled it away and leaned against the wall. “I’ve never slammed my head against a wall,” she said. “But I understand the desire.”

  “I would never purposefully hurt you. Tell me you know that.”

  “Don’t manipulate me. We’re not in court. You’re not wearing your wig.”

  “Manipulate you?”

  “You’re being lawyerly trying to get me to answer a certain way.” Jasper stood up. “It hurts me that you think I would say nasty things about you behind your back. I would never do that. Never.”

  “But you did.”

  “No, Ava. I didn’t. The day I first called you on video chat, remember?” Ava nodded. She would never forget. The spark had been there from the moment they first locked eyes. “Hillary was there.”

  “Why would you make a business call with her in the room?”

  “She wasn’t in the room when I placed the call. She still had keys. Let herself in. Maybe I should have interrupted the call to deal with her—but I thought it was almost over. I didn’t know what was going to happen next.”

  Ava thought back to the video call. She certainly didn’t mention Cliff. “Why in the world would I have said anything to you about Cliff? I’d only just found out I’d been sleeping with a married man a half an hour before we spoke.”

  “You had a fight with your mother about it.”

  “That was after I shut off the video.”

  “You turned off the monitor. The call was still connected. I heard everything.”

  “Oh, God.”

  “I didn’t mean to listen, but your voice carries.” Ava stared at him. “All right. Maybe I meant to listen a little. But only because I was concerned about you. No, that’s not right either. I was fascinated by you. All right? So I listened.” Ava sank to the step. Jasper sat next to her and put his arm around her. “I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that.”

  “Neither did his wife.”

  “Neither did his wife,” Jasper agreed.

  “Why does Hillary hate me so much?”

  Jasper clasped Ava’s hands and brought them into his lap. “Because she knows how I feel about you.”

  Ava swallowed. “And how do you feel?” Was she really going to do this?

  “Smitten?” Jasper held her gaze, and there it was again, that little jolt. That left her tingling. Smitten. Yes, smitten.

  “Me too,” Ava said. Definitely smitten. “Queenie accused me of having a crush on you weeks ago.”

&nb
sp; Jasper raised his eyebrows. “Is that right?” He sounded thrilled.

  “Apparently I was mentioning you a lot.”

  “Never underestimate that man.” He leaned into Ava as if he was about to divulge a secret. “He caught me smiling.”

  “Smiling?”

  “Apparently, ever since I met you, I’ve been smiling like an idiot.”

  They looked at each other, smiling. Jasper leaned in and kissed her. When he pulled away they went right back to smiling. What a pair.

  What was she doing? She couldn’t maintain a relationship with a man like Jasper. Hillary was right. She could never be a proper girlfriend, let alone a proper mother. It would be cruel to lead Jasper on. She pulled her hands away.

  “Don’t do that,” Jasper said. “Don’t run away.”

  “I’m not good enough for you.”

  Jasper reached in his pocket and pulled out a postcard. He handed it to Ava.

  Open Mic Night

  “You’re going to do it?” Jasper nodded. “That’s great. That’s so great.” Ava was proud of him. Even if he bombed, at least he was trying, following his dream. She hoped he didn’t bomb though. But if he did bomb, she really hoped he didn’t blame her for encouraging him.

  “Do you really mean that?” Jasper asked.

  “Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “When I tried to tell Hillary, she didn’t take it seriously for one second. She threw the flyer on the ground. Now that’s someone who’s not good for me. You?” He put his hand on her face, caressed her jawline with his thumb. “You are nothing but good for me. And you haven’t even heard the best part.” Jasper grinned. Whatever he had to tell her, he was excited about it.

  “What?”

  “I’m going to quit my job to pursue comedy full-time.”

  “What?”

  “Because of you.”

  “You’re going to quit your job—as a barrister—because of me?”

  “You sound alarmed.”

  Ava stood. “You’re just going to quit? Before you start making a living from it?”

  “Yes. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  “Because of me?” Oh, please, God. She could not have that burden on her. Should she tell him? Tell him he wasn’t any good?

  Jasper stood. “I’m sick of playing it safe. You have to take what you want in this life. Take it by the reins, or the horn, or the saddle knob.”

  “Saddle knob?”

  “I was running out of rodeo metaphors. What’s the thing on the saddle that you hold on to? What do they call that?”

  “The horn.”

  “Oh. Right. So. So—when they say, ‘Take life by the horns’—I mean the horns of a bull—you know, just reach right up there and grab those horns. But I can’t say ‘horn’ twice, now can I?”

  “Can we move past the grabbing? Don’t most artists have a day job? You know, just until they’re sure that they can make a living at their . . . hobby?”

  “Maybe the ones who don’t believe in themselves. Who doubt. But I met you, and I don’t have any doubts. Not anymore. You’ve inspired me to be as brave as you are.”

  “Are you making fun of me?”

  “Of course not. You’ve come a long way already. Can’t you see it?” He gestured. “We’re standing in the stairwell. You didn’t even hesitate.”

  “I’m not afraid of stairwells.”

  “But we’re closer to the outside.”

  “Keep talking, Romeo.”

  “Sorry.” He took her hands. “I think you’re doing remarkably. You’re throwing a party. And they all love you.”

  “It’s my first party. Ever.”

  “You’re changing. I can see it.” Jasper leaned in. He was going to kiss her. Ava put her hands on his face and gently pushed it back.

  “Do you pity me? Are you making fun of me?”

  “Of course not.” He took her hands and held them. “Why would you say such a thing?”

  “I don’t want to be the reason you quit a perfectly respectable job.”

  “To pursue my dream.”

  “Isn’t that . . . just a little bit reckless?”

  Jasper turned away from her, headed up to the landing. “I don’t believe this. You don’t believe in me either.”

  “That’s not fair. How can I believe in you? I’ve never even seen you perform.”

  Jasper grabbed her and pulled her into him. “You’re right. You’re right. Will you come? Do you think you could do it?” He was pleading with her. She could see it in his eyes. This was what their relationship would be like. He would be supportive up until a point and then he would expect her to be normal already. To go out and do things. To live. Perfectly normal requests. Ones she’d never be able to satisfy.

  “I can’t do it. I can’t come.”

  “I see. Okay. Okay. I didn’t mean to push.”

  “This is why we can’t see each other. Smitten or not.” Ava faced the door to her flat. Her heart literally ached for Jasper’s touch.

  “Wait. Just because I asked I didn’t expect you to say yes.” Jasper stayed on the landing. Ava looked down at him. She wished he could save her. But he couldn’t. This wasn’t just in her head. She had a biological condition. One that could turn him into a prisoner too.

  “I hate this. I hate me.”

  “Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”

  “I’m a shut-in, Jasper. You’re not. This is where our story ends.”

  “You’re making remarkable progress. Why can’t you see that?”

  “I’ve only done one thing on the list. And even that was an accident.”

  Jasper came up behind her. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About fighting the will in court. And I think you’re right.”

  “I can’t afford to fight it.”

  “I’ll represent you.”

  “And lose all your friendships?”

  “Beverly was my friend too. And I believe with all my heart that she had no idea what she was setting in motion. It was her intention that you get the flat.” Jasper reached her and put his hands on her waist. “I hate to see you sad.”

  “It means a lot that you would fight for me. But I won’t do that to you. Or Queenie. The only way I’d ever consider being with you is if I tackled that list.”

  “I don’t care about the list,” Jasper said.

  “I do.”

  “You do?”

  “At the very least, I want to make the effort. That’s what counts, isn’t it? The effort?”

  “Yes. Yes, that is exactly what counts, Ava.” His hands moved up her back and he pulled her into him. “The effort is everything,” he whispered into her ear. “It’s everything.”

  Ava rubbed his back. He smelled good, he felt good, and he was right here, wanting her. She wanted to be with him. But only if she could make real progress. Only if she could be who Jasper needed her to be. At least part of the time. She had to earn it. She had to earn him. Ava pulled away, placed her hand on Jasper’s face, and ran it along his jawline.

  Jasper reached up and trailed his finger along her cheek. “I’ve felt a connection with you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop smiling. I can’t stop saying your name over and over again in my head. But I’m a coward too.”

  “You? A coward?”

  “When you asked me how I felt about you, I said ‘smitten.’ That was a lie. I’m not just smitten. I’m falling in—”

  Ava put her fingers over his lips.

  “Don’t,” she said. “If I lose the flat, I won’t be staying in London.”

  “You could stay with me.”

  “How? Where?”

  “With me.”

  “We can’t rush this. I don’t just come with baggage; I’m lugging the whole damn carousel.”

  “Has anyone ever told you you talk too much?” Jasper whispered. Jasper began to walk Ava over to the wall. When she was pressed flat against it, he put a hand on e
ither side of the wall, and kissed her. Soon Ava relaxed into the kiss, and then she began kissing him back. Jasper’s hands went around her waist. Ava broke away.

  “God, I wish I didn’t have a party going on. I want to take you to my bedroom. Right now.”

  “We could go to my place,” Jasper said. Ava froze. He caught the look on her face. “Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” Ava broke away. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not. That’s a perfectly normal thing to say to a woman who wants to sleep with you. Only I’m not normal. I’m never going to be normal.”

  “I don’t want you to be normal. What is it you said about love? It’s imperfect. You’re positively imperfect.”

  The door flew open and Hillary stepped into the hallway. She glared at Ava, then Jasper. “You’re going to regret this,” she said to Ava.

  “Good,” Ava said. “If you don’t have regrets, it means you’re not really living.”

  Ava walked into the flat and headed for the bedroom. The party was still going strong. They were so loud and animated they didn’t notice Ava come in at all. Thank God there was no one in there, no one making love on the bed, no one in the bathroom. Of course she couldn’t close herself in, because they would have to come through the bedroom to use the loo. She dived underneath the bed. At least she’d cleaned it. There was also a sheet and a little pillow. She touched her lips. Just seconds ago she was kissing Jasper. Maybe I’m falling in . . . Her lips still burned. Oh, how she wanted him. If she were someone else she would have been on her way to his flat by now. He probably had a lovely flat. It would be tidy, and organized. She’d see to it that they made it a little dirty. Why did she have to stop him? It would have been the first time a man had ever told her he loved her. She could have checked things off of a real list then—a life list. She was never going to change. She was never going to be normal. She couldn’t do that to him. She certainly wanted to, and she probably could, but she wouldn’t. She just wouldn’t.

  CHAPTER 25

  The next morning Ava was barely awake when the buzzer screamed through the flat. Given the pitch of the bloody thing, every dog in London was probably barking in her direction. When was she ever going to remember to ask someone to fix that? Could she figure it out herself? Grab a knife and cut a couple of wires? Who the hell was buzzing her anyway? For a few groggy seconds she forgot all about the party. She slid off the bed and padded to the door. The smell of stale alcohol brought back the first reminder. The evidence was stacked up. Literally. Empty bottles standing proudly on tables. Water rings. Food wrappers. Overflowing ashtrays. Every surface screamed, We partied last night! Huh. She would have thought Brits and drag queens would have been a bit more tidy. She glanced at the sofa expecting to see the lump that was Queenie. It was empty. Did he get lucky last night? At least he had the decency not to stay here. This flat wasn’t built for privacy. The buzzer rang again. “Who is it?”