Smoldered

by Rachel Blaufeld

  “Mom, I’m here at Dad’s. I got a room and everything set up today, but I want to come home.” He stared at me with hurt and distrust in his eyes as he said this.

  Okay, maybe I didn’t know the first thing about being a father, a man, or a devoted lover. I let out a long, painful breath, my ribs feeling as though they had been cracked by Quinn’s expression.

  “Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, I was up in my room, but I know. I heard,” he went on, then nodded his head. “Yeah, Mom. I’ll wait up there. Here’s Trish.”

  Handing the phone to a stranger, yet one who had more experience with him over me, my son turned, deflated and despondent, and walked upstairs. I swiveled to look toward Lila, silently begging her to fix this for me, but knew this was ultimately up to me. I couldn’t be the broken man any more. I had to stand up and take care of what was mine.

  Rather than running after my son, Lila stood firm and proceeded to point her finger at my father and finish what I couldn’t do.

  “Get out! Haven’t you done enough by breaking the grown man’s heart in front of you? Now, you go and put your nose where it doesn’t belong with a little boy?” Now fully in charge of the situation, she said forcefully, “Go! Get the hell out. Asher will deal with you when he is good and ready.”

  My dad, all two hundred-plus pounds of him, listened. He took his large frame out the front door, pulling his phone out of his pocket, hopefully calling off his other son.

  I didn’t have time to watch the door hit his ass because Lila had her finger back out and she was pushing into my chest, saying, “Go. You go to your son. Explain to him what you missed growing up and how you want to be better than that. I’ll wait for Natalie.”

  I didn’t hesitate, just started moving toward the stairs when Lila called to me again. “And, Ash, don’t forget, I told you I would be here for you months ago when we were in Red Rock. I’m here and not going anywhere.”

  She was the first woman in my life to say that and fucking mean it. Natalie had told me that back when she first came back, but then she kept her distance, creating a wedge between us, and now I knew why. I was a sorry excuse for a man. Natalie had kept harping on me about my dad, pleading with me to show her I understood lifelong commitments. I ignored her, and now my dad—and Petey—had gone and made a mess of the situation because I didn’t man up and make the first move.

  Well, first I needed to repair what happened with Quinn. I certainly wasn’t handling things well with him, and I was pretty sure that Natalie would have nothing to do with me unless I righted my first wrong with our son.

  Double Vision

  Natalie

  STEPPING OUT of my car into the stagnant nighttime air, I saw a shadow sitting on the stairs leading to my apartment. Moving through the heat, I lifted my hair off my neck, tiny beads of sweat forming on my nape. It was summer and the heat was nonstop, all day and all night, keeping all hope of a breeze at bay. But that wasn’t why my pulse was racing and heat was rising straight through my core. It was the muscular frame sitting on the step, hunched over, deep in thought, resting his arms on his knees as his hair fell over his profile.

  Slowly I moved closer, and with some apprehension. As I made my way up the staircase, the figure lifted his head and I met with dark eyes, almost black with pain and confusion, not the ones of steel I was envisioning.

  “Petey? What are you doing here? Are you okay?”

  I had just noticed that one of his legs was stretched straight out, bearing a long black brace fitted over his loose pant leg. Without leather or jeans, my old bouncer was an imposter in track pants.

  With a frog in his throat, he answered, “Yeah, I’m fine. A little banged up, but I’ll be just like new soon. Been working on my guns.” He flexed his arms while flashing me a grin, resembling at least part of the old Pete I knew back then. The heavy lifting explained his even closer resemblance to Asher.

  And then like a ton of bricks, it hit me. Like a wrecking ball tearing through a dilapidated building, turning bricks into dust, my legs felt weak, like tiny particles tasked to hold up my frame. I swayed, reaching out to grab the railing and missing it. Petey faltered on his own gimpy leg to get to me, but he caught my waist before I went down.

  Sinking toward the step, I relied on the man with a handicap to help me find purchase. Pushing air in and out of my lungs, I attempted to find words, maybe even just think of them. I couldn’t even remember my native tongue.

  Seated behind me, Petey spoke first. “I guess he didn’t tell you. We’re brothers.”

  I still had no voice. It was like my vocal cords had been ripped from my throat. I swept my hand to the base of my neck, massaging, palpating, hoping to resuscitate my voice, but I simply couldn’t make a sound. For the second time in one evening, I had let Asher down, and my own problems seemed miniscule to me at the moment.

  Not long ago, I had stood under the warm spray of a shower and told Asher that I loved him and I wanted to be there for him, but I hadn’t followed through. Instead I’d raced away from him when he needed me the most. The man who had no one, not a soul, now not only had a father but a brother. Quinn now had a father, a grandfather, and an uncle, a whole host of fucked-up men to show him how not to live his life.

  I leaned my head back and tried to make sense of the stars lingering in the night. They made as much sense as the labyrinth of my life and Asher’s.

  Seated on the cement stair above me in the darkness, Petey gave me this time. He seemed to sense I needed a moment.

  Finally, I spoke. “I don’t know how none of us ever saw it. I mean, we joked about you two, but wow. We should have picked up on that.”

  Petey let out a little sigh. “Well, I was kind of hoping no one figured it out, so I certainly didn’t help. I was actually working at the club to keep an eye on you. Not Asher. Well, you and Quinn.”

  I jumped up. “Quinn! Where is he?” In all my years of being a mom, I had never forgotten my boy for a minute. Now, an indeterminate amount of time had passed before I remembered why I rushed home.

  “He’s at Asher’s. Our dad wanted to go meet him, so he went there, and I came here to explain it all to you. We never meant to scare you, Natalie, which is why we kept our distance all those years. He’s safe.”

  “Pete, honey, this is all too much for me to take. You have to stop. STOP! I’m absolutely blindsided, paralyzed by this, but Quinn has to be a million times worse. I have to go to him.”

  He reached out to touch my arm and turned me toward him. “Natalie, please let me at least explain. It’s complicated, but nothing you can’t work out.”

  I wrestled loose and said, “Not now. I just can’t,” before bolting around him and up the stairs to call Quinn. My brain and heart were split in half, one side sick with worry for my son, the other filled with anguish for the man I loved with my whole heart.

  Once I was safe behind the door of my apartment, I called Trish. She must be with Quinn. Who else would Asher leave our son with?

  A few seconds later, I was shocked when my son grabbed the phone and told me to come and get him. That was when my entire body fractured down the middle, my heart unable to stay whole.

  Apparently, all of us in our crazy threesome had their chests pulverized that evening.

  Sorry

  Asher

  TOSSING MY boots at the bottom of the stairs, I tiptoed up to the room I just made that day for my son. The ugliness of today’s events had bled all over and through any pleasure I got from constructing the tiny mecca of preteen happiness. Now, it felt like I was entering a horror movie. Although the former guest room was still painted navy and furnished with a newly bought bed and gigantic TV, on the bed lay my son curled into a ball, sniffing back tears, which made me see red.

  If I thought I was ill-prepared before to be a parent, the scene before me was overwhelming. In all my life, I had never cried until him. Not when I asked where my dad was as a little boy, or later when my mom ditched me, never over a girl, or when Lila was abduct
ed. All the tears I had ever shed were for this boy. I’d cried when I found out about him, come apart when I discovered my dad was alive, but that was more over me not wanting to repeat history with Quinn. And now my son, the one who had grown up way before his time to support his mom, was a teary mess.

  Standing at the door frame, looking in, I desperately wanted him to beckon me closer, to fucking call me to him, letting me know he had forgiven me. That didn’t happen. Quinn just lay there staring at me, blinking back more tears, not speaking a word.

  I thought about what Lila said. To tell him. Tell him about me, my dad, and how I never wanted it to be the same.

  It couldn’t be the same.

  “Can I come in?” I finally asked.

  He nodded his head.

  I entered slowly and sat on the edge of the bed, but he remained still.

  “Quinn,” I said slowly. “Listen, buddy, I’m new at this, at being a dad, and I’m pretty sure I’m messing the whole thing up. I know today we were supposed to be together all day and night, and I never would have run out unless it was an emergency, and it was. An old friend of mine was not being nice to your mom, actually, and I went to fix that.”

  He shook his head.

  “What?” I asked without moving a muscle.

  Quinn fixed his big silver eyes on me and said, “It’s okay. That. You needing to go fix something.” He paused and let out a sigh. “It’s that man downstairs. He says he’s my grandpa, but I don’t know him. And he knows me. I also heard him yell to that blond lady that he’s known me since I was born. How is that possible?”

  My son shivered. Fucking shivered with fear right in front of me, and I nearly passed out from the pain I felt because I had caused him to do that. But I had to be strong for my kid.

  “I don’t know, Quinn. I really don’t know. What I do know is this is so hard, you and me just getting to know each other, but I’m gonna make it work. I have loved you, little dude, since the minute I found out you were my son, and that is not going to change. No f-ing way. I can’t help but want to keep you by my side for…for forever…and make up for the time I lost.”

  My tiny almost-swear got a little grin from him. It was worth it.

  “As for that man, he is your grandpa, and I don’t think he meant to hurt you. He did hurt me. My feelings. I just met him a few weeks ago, like you just met me. I don’t ever want to be like him and not know my son. Do you understand?”

  Another head nod before he said, “But if you just met me and love me right away, what about him, Dad? He could love you right away too.”

  With that, I grabbed my son off the bed, pulled him into my arms, and kissed the top of his head because he was so smart. So damn smart. Smarter than anyone I ever knew, but still it was complicated, and he didn’t get that my mom had walked out too. Emotional bruises like that don’t fade so easily, but I was starting to think with Quinn’s help, they would be gone soon.

  We hugged in silence until Quinn said, “Oh no! I told Mom to come and get me. She’s going to pull me out of here now, and we just made up.”

  Pole Position

  Natalie

  I BUSTED my tail to get over to Asher’s house before Petey made it there. He was a little slower because of the leg brace, but I didn’t have time for concern or empathy. Needing every little advantage I could use, it would be a lie if I didn’t admit I wished he’d broken his driving leg. Speeding down Asher’s street, barely coming to a stop, I threw my car in park and sprinted up the narrow cactus-lined path. My heart pumping in my chest, my breath caught in my throat, fear running through my veins, I had no idea what to anticipate.

  As soon as I got to the door, I found Sienna—I mean Lila; fuck, was that confusing—sitting on the bottom step in the foyer. With tear-stained cheeks, she looked up at me and motioned for me to be quiet as I barged through the door.

  Quiet? Was she kidding me? My kid needed me.

  And where was Trish?

  I didn’t waste time on formalities, although the entryway made of marble and stone begged for it. Instead I asked, “Where’s my Quinn?” as soon as I made it over the threshold.

  “Shhh. He’s upstairs with his dad. Asher is explaining stuff to him, calming him down.” Barely audible as she whispered her words, Lila implored me with her eyes to be quiet and allow the father of my son to handle this.

  But I wasn’t quiet, my voice reverberating in the hollow space around me, bouncing off the walls and rising up to the high ceilings. “Bullshit! We wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for Asher. You told me to come back to him, Lila. Begged me, and I did, but all he’s done since I’ve been back is make decisions for me and ignore my requests to see what his dad wanted or needed. He failed to see how all this affected Quinn, and now it’s coming back to haunt him. I never wanted to see Asher upset, but I definitely made it clear that Quinn was never to be hurt.”

  Seeing my son in pain was something I could not handle.

  Lila shook her head. “That’s not true, Natalie. He was so consumed with making you happy, trying to win you over, he ignored his father and what he may or may not have to say for himself. You and Quinn have been his main priority since he came back from Miami,” she said, standing and walking toward me.

  Asher’s voice startled me.

  “I can see I was wrong. I should have listened to you, Nat,” he said from the top of the stairs.

  I looked up to find Asher standing there with a smiling Quinn tucked under his arm.

  “Quinn!” I yelled, and my son came barreling down the steps and into my arms. Squeezing him tight, I felt his father approaching, my skin prickling from a tender combination of tension and lust.

  When I refused to let go of our child, Asher slid his hand down my back and bent over to whisper in my ear, “I mean it. I was wrong. You wanted me to make amends and I didn’t. I should have listened.”

  I stood up and ran my hand along Asher’s cheek, succumbing to the shivers from feeling his stubble. “When I first came back to you Ash, I wanted to make you whole, reunite you with your father, let you know your son, make you into a family man. You’re not that, or maybe you are, but just don’t know how be. This is partly on me. I should have guided you, helped you, and instead I left you to your own devices.”

  “I am that…a family man,” he said as he slid his arm down mine, grasping my hand. “You’re right, I don’t know how to be that, but you know who’s teaching me? Quinn is. Our boy said something very wise to me upstairs that f-ing shocked me, and he was right. And you know what else? You know where he gets that from? His sense of family and loyalty? From you.”

  Asher’s eyes turned a smoky gray, marrying the passion of the deep silver with the dark loneliness underneath. It was apparent that he felt bad, awful in fact, but truly didn’t know what to do with his father, and with his own constant sadness.

  I couldn’t move my gaze from his. With one hand tight around Quinn’s and the other wrapped up in Asher’s, I had just opened my mouth to reply when the front door burst open with such force the marble floor shook beneath my feet.

  And the Hits Keep Coming

  Asher

  I WAS lost in Natalie, holding her hand while consumed with her green eyes. They were digging deep when it all came to an abrupt halt. My front door swung open for the millionth time that evening and on the other side was Petey. And to think I was even concerned about him earlier. Now I wanted to sucker punch the gimp, but I thought that was the type of thing I shouldn’t do in front of Quinn.

  Without letting go of my woman’s now shaking hand, I turned toward the commotion.

  “What the fuck, Pete?” I yelled into the air already rife with conflict.

  “Ash, Jesus Christ, I flew over here as fast as I could, but it’s not so easy getting around with this damn brace. I was at Natalie’s to let her know we didn’t mean any harm with Quinn, but she ran off. We wanted to explain.”

  “Well, she doesn’t know all about you—yet,” I said wit
h fury in my eyes, shooting daggers at the asshole’s heart.

  “I do,” was all I heard from Natalie before I released her hand and barreled toward the man with a leg brace, ignoring the fact that my son was steps behind me.

  “It wasn’t your information to tell, Pete. Not yours. It’s mine, and I hadn’t told Nat yet.”

  I had the guy by the neck of his shirt, holding him close to my face so he could have a front row seat to my tirade.

  Just as I heard a muted “Stop,” I slumped to the floor. Squatting on my haunches, I dropped my head between my knees and mumbled, “All I wanted was the time to make everything right with Natalie before all this other shit fell from the sky. I wanted to have a solid base with my woman, the mother to my son, but I couldn’t bring myself to see she wanted it the other way.”

  I stayed like that, breathing hard, trying to control my temper, desperately holding my emotions at bay with my head buried.

  Then there were arms wrapped around my back, pulling me up. “Asher, stop beating yourself up. I had as much a hand in this as you did. You wanted it your way, and I wanted it mine. It didn’t work out for either of us.”

  “I’m sorry, little doll,” I said as I pulled Natalie’s slight frame against mine.

  We stayed like that for a while, giving everyone a good show, until Lila suggested she take Quinn back to her place for cocoa, so we could all settle and calm down.

  With the two of them across the backyard, I made quick work of questioning Pete, not even allowing anyone to move from the hallway.

  “Pete, what do you want from me?” With Natalie by my side running her thumb along my hand, I kept my rage in check.

  “Nothing. I just want you to know that I’m your brother. It’s been a nightmare holding it in all these years.” He leaned against the doorframe, giving his bad leg some relief for a moment.

  “Yeah, what does that mean? All these years? Quinn said something to me that didn’t sit well. He overheard your dad, our father, tell Lila he’d been watching the kid his whole life?”