“What’s going on?” I ask Aiden as the nurse shows us to the room.
“I told you they’re doing us a favor.” By us, of course, he means him. No one would do me this kind of a favor in a million years.
Once we’re in the room, which is about double the size of the one in the last place, the nurse asks me to step on the scale. I put my purse on the chair along with my jacket and walk over to where she’s waiting. My heart sinks. I don’t want to weigh myself.
“Wait, I’m still wearing my shoes!”
“It’s okay,” she says. Except that it’s not. I don’t want to be weighed with my boots on. Or my heavy sweater. That’s going to add like ten pounds. Ten pounds that I definitely don’t need. Don’t they have one of those little paper nightgowns around? As soon as the numbers are about to show up on the screen, I look away. Then I close my eyes for good measure. If there’s one thing I definitely don’t want to know is how much I weigh.
“Too scared to know how much you’ve gained?”
“I feel like I’ve gained a hundred.”
“You are actually at a very healthy weight,” she says. “But I won’t tell you if you don’t want to know.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
Aiden just rolls his eyes. “I keep telling her that she looks beautiful. Drop dead gorgeous.”
I blush. I love when he says stuff like that, but I’m a little embarrassed about having the nurse hear it as well.
After the nurse leaves, we are left alone for a few moments. She doesn’t tell me to change so I remain sitting on the table in my normal clothes.
“This is just an ultrasound,” Aiden says. “I don’t think think they’re going to do an exam.”
“Good, I hope not.”
“I know you don’t like doctors, but I’m here for you. I’ll be here for you through everything, okay?”
I nod. He doesn’t really need to constantly reassure me, but it sure does make me feel better about everything.
Chapter 9 - Ellie
When we find out…
I open my phone and start scrolling through the numerous emails that I have had piling up over the last few days. Most are from my readers. They love the series and can’t wait for the next book to come out. I love how much they love my books, and I feel guilty for not working on it as much as I should be. The funny thing about writing is that though it can be so hard to get going, especially when you have a whole bunch of bullshit going on in your life, it’s the exact thing you need to get you through everything. There’s nothing like sitting down at the keyboard and diving head first into another world.
I take the time to write back every person who reaches out to me over email and on Facebook. Many writers don’t, but I’m grateful. And thankful. Because of my readers, I am able to do something for a living that is my dream. I am living my dream life. They allow me to do this and, for that, I will forever be grateful.
“How’s everything going with your writing?” Aiden asks. We haven’t talked about it for some time, so I catch him up on the details. I’m working on my last book. I want to tie everything up together nicely and give the couple a happy ending. But this is the really hard part. To make sure that they have their happily ever after, and this ending is actually authentic. I’ve read plenty of books where people ended up together, but their union seemed forced. Almost for no other reason except that this is what is expected of them.
“I’m sure you will do a good job,” he says.
“Thanks.” I nod. I love how supportive he is of me, despite the fact that this career of mine might have caused him trouble in his own career.
“So, you don’t mind me writing this?” I ask after a while. “I mean, I was thinking about what Bill said.”
“Don’t give that asshole a second thought.”
“Yes, I know, I know. I won’t. The thing is that I was just thinking about the fact that what I’ve written is so close to life. I wonder how much of an impact it had on your shareholders and everything that happened with Owl back then.”
“What you write is fiction, Ellie.”
“Yes, that’s what I say, of course. I mean, the names are changed. There are parts that are heavily elaborated. But between you and me, it’s not entirely fiction. As you know. You did buy me at an auction.”
“The thing is, the way I see it, this is the twenty-first century. Women have the right to do whatever they wish and that includes expressing themselves sexually. Your writing is just that. An expression. So, whatever may or may not have happened as a result of that, it’s really their problem. Not ours. You are a wonderful writer and you deserve to do what you do. And there are people out there that love what you write.”
I take his hand in mine and give it a strong squeeze. He doesn’t really get it, and he probably never will, despite how many times I tell him, but it means the world to me how much he supports what I do. I didn’t grow up in a family that had much respect for writers - I mean, they enjoyed literature and reading, but they didn’t exactly think that it’s the right career choice for anyone, let alone, their daughter, to pursue. And now that we’re starting our own family, it’s amazing to have someone by my side who not only supports me but also celebrates me. There’s nothing like it in the world.
There’s a knock at the door. A woman who is only a bit older than I am walks in. After introducing herself and shaking our hands, she asks, “Okay, are you ready to find out the sex of the baby?”
My heart skips a beat and then another. Aiden squeezes my hand in anticipation. I lie down on the table and pull up my shirt. Dr. Dillard puts some gel on my stomach and places a wand on it. We all look at the monitor next to me. I see the little head on the screen. Lots of squiggly lines. Everything in black and white. As she presses down on my lower stomach, I feel the baby move. The feeling is surreal. Some women fall in love with their babies in utero. But that hasn’t happened to me. I’ve never really planned on having kids. I’ve barely given it any thought at all. And yet, here I am. Lying here with Aiden by my side, looking at our baby, I feel surreal. How is it that I have made a baby? And it’s actually going to come live with us? I know this sounds almost ridiculous. But for someone who never planned on having kids, the idea of having a baby is more than just a bit surprising.
“So, do you want to know the sex?” Dr. Dillard asks. Aiden and I exchange looks.
“Yes,” we say simultaneously.
“Good,” she says, moving the wand around. “I’m glad that you’re both on the same page about this.”
Aiden and I look at her with anticipation.
“You’re having a boy,” she says.
I look over at Aiden. A boy. Oh my God. I’m having a boy.
“Oh, wow,” I mumble.
Dr. Dillard tells us more things, but frankly it all goes in one ear and out of the other. I can barely understand a thing that she’s saying. My focus is entirely on the sonogram. I’m having a baby boy. I’m having a baby boy. Oh my God.
I glance over at Aiden again. He can’t really contain his excitement either. Prior to leaving, Dr. Dillard says that he looks like a very healthy baby. When we’re finally alone, Aiden throws his arms around me and gives me a warm hug.
“I’m stunned,” he whispers in my ear.
“Me, too.”
Chapter 10 - Ellie
When we find out…
It takes a bit to settle into the idea of the fact that we’re having a baby boy. To say that I’m feeling excited would be the understatement of a lifetime. On the way home, Aiden and I stop into a Whole Foods and pick up five quarts of ice cream. We debated whether we should get one large gallon, but couldn’t decide on the flavors. So, we finally split the difference and just got five different types. Rocky Road. Chocolate. Raspberry Dark Chocolate. Coffee. And strawberry vanilla swirl.
Though the day wasn’t particularly stressful or eventful, by the time we get home, I’m fully drained of energy. These days I seem to have very little energy
altogether. Usually, I wake up tired and if I do anything at all, then my energy resources are depleted. Going to the doctor today and getting the news has left me completely exhausted.
“All I want to do is take a hot shower and then eat the entire quart of rocky road ice cream,” I say, walking to the elevator of the hotel.
“Oh, but I thought that you didn’t eat ice cream when it’s cold out?” Aiden jokes.
I roll my eyes at him. “That’s why I’m going to take a hot shower first. So, I’m warm before I have something so cold.”
Though it’s early afternoon, I have the whole day planned out. Nothing but my pajamas, Netflix, and ice cream. If I feel sick to my stomach, I may have a salad. Maybe.
Unfortunately, life has other plans. As soon as we get back to the suite, Thurston shows up, the attorney who got me out on bail. He’s acting like my main counsel until we figure everything out a little more.
“So, what’s going on?” Aiden asks.
“Well, I talked to the DA. Things are a bit up in the air,” he says in his monotone voice. There is no expression on his face so I have no idea if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
Probably sensing my confusion, he explains further.
“Things could be better,” he says. “They have your online journal where you say that you want to kill Blake. That’s what is making the DA’s office think that maybe this wasn’t self-defense.”
“But it was—“ I start to say. He cuts me off.
“I know. I think the best thing we can do is to have a little sit-down with him. He knows that you have representation. And typically the best thing to do is to not talk to the DA. But I really want to prevent this from going to trial, if at all possible.”
“Is that possible?” Aiden asks.
Thurston nods. “I think so. Ellie…is as close to a perfect client as you can get. You are law abiding, you went to an Ivy League school. You pay your taxes. Yes, you write fiction, sometimes it’s a bit erotic. But this is America. Nothing illegal about that.”
“So, you don’t think the jury would take it the wrong way? Would think I’m a terrible person because of that?” I ask.
“I don’t know what the jury would think. My goal is to prevent that from happening,” Thurston says. “That’s why I want you to meet with the DA. I need him to see you as a full person. I really cannot let this go to trial.”
“Just curious,” I say. “What if it does?”
“Well, it’s not good. The problem with trials is that they are completely unpredictable. You just never know when you’re going to have that one jury member who decides to sway the rest in one direction, or holds out on everyone. And the thing is that district attorneys rarely take things to trial unless they are certain of a guilty verdict. So, it’s my job to do everything in my power to prevent that from happening.”
My throat clenches up from fear. A million what-if questions start to ruminate around my head. What if the DA cannot be swayed? What if he hates me the way Bill Whitney did, for no reason whatsoever? What if this does go to trial? What if they convict me?
Sensing my turmoil, Thurston puts his hand on mine. “Please don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. I’m going to schedule a sit-down with the DA and we’re going to get all of this worked out.”
Chapter 11 - Ellie
When we break the rules…
I shouldn’t go see her. I am not allowed to leave the state of Massachusetts. But the problem is that I am not so sure if I will ever leave this state. Nothing is figured out yet with the lawyers. We’re still waiting to see when I can get a meeting with the Assistant District Attorney and the main detective in charge. Thurston is trying to shield me from the truth, but I know that if they decide to take this to trial, who the hell knows what will happen. Thurston is trying to stay positive. Everything is going to be okay, he keeps saying. But I’m not so sure. And the closer it gets to the meeting, and possibly the trial, the worse it will be to go.
It’s not going to take long. Just a short trip there and back. It’s only to Connecticut. But I don’t have a car. And I can’t really rent one in my name if I don’t want anyone to find out about it. Yes, I mean anyone.
I don’t want Aiden to know. I don’t know what his reaction will be. But as that saying goes, it’s better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. I have a feeling that he will not want me to go. I have a feeling that he will try to dissuade me. Convince me to stay. Tell me that I can go see her later. But neither of us know if this is actually the case. What if the meeting doesn’t go well? What if they take the case to trial? What if I’m convicted? Then I will never be able to stand by her gravesite and talk to her ever again.
Aiden has meetings all day. He is going to New York and then coming back late this evening. This is my opportunity.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay here?” he asks.
“Yes, of course. I’ve got a bunch of shows lined up on Netflix and the fridge is full. My day is all set,” I lie. I feel a little bad about lying, but I’m just trying to protect him.
“Order some room service if you want a real meal,” he instructs.
“I will. I will,” I say. “Okay, go. Don’t you have to be at the airport soon?”
“You realize that it’s my plane, right?” he says, putting on his coat. “They’ll wait for me because I’m the only one going on it.”
“But don’t you have to be there by eleven for your meeting with the shareholders?” I ask.
“Yes, I do.” He hangs his head. “But maybe I can just postpone it? Don’t you need me here?”
He’s looking for an excuse to stay, but I can’t give him one. Instead, I give him a brief kiss on the cheek and shuffle him out the door.
As soon as I’m alone, I check my phone. Once again, I debate the pros and cons of renting a car. It would be much faster, of course, but the problem is that I have to give my name and credit card. There would be proof that would be too easy for someone to find. Now, if I take a bus or a train, then it would be much harder to spot me. I use cash to pay for my ticket and, though they could find me on the surveillance footage at the terminal, there will be tons of people there so it’s pretty unlikely. The train ride is about $200, but it’s three hours shorter than the bus would be. So, train it is. The next train leaves in half an hour. If I hurry, I can make it.
* * *
I find a seat in the back of the train car, next to the window. I would love to spend the day lying around in bed watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing useful, but this is the only day that Aiden is going away. The last thing I want is for him to get involved with this. I’m breaking the rules of my bail and, if I get caught…No, I can’t even think like that. Getting caught means that I would have to spend the rest of the time waiting for trial in jail. My heart sinks. What the hell am I doing? If you get caught then you’ll lose everything.
For a second, I debate whether I should just get off at the next stop. Maybe this is stupid. But then my thoughts drift back to Caroline. She may not be here anymore, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t go see her. I’ve never visited anyone at a gravesite before, but I just know that I will feel her presence at hers. I close my eyes and drift off.
The next thing I know, I’m in Greenwich. I hail a cab and give him the address of the cemetery. Then I ask him to wait at the entrance with the meter running. He seems only too happy to do that.
I remember exactly where she is buried and I head there directly. It’s starting to drizzle and I regret not bringing an umbrella.
“How could you come here without an umbrella?” I hear Caroline ask.
“How was I supposed to know it was going to rain?” I ask out loud.
“Um, you could’ve checked the weather. Duh,” she says.
“Hey, listen, I’m not the type to always carry an umbrella. Mainly, because I know that I won’t melt into the ground if I get a little wet.”
No matter where she went, no matter the time of year
, Caroline always carried a little umbrella in her purse. Her hair was of absolute importance. She absolutely hated getting wet and refused to buy one of those little cheap umbrellas that vendors sold on the streets once it started to rain.
Finally, I get to her grave. It’s a simple gravestone with her name, Caroline Elizabeth Kennedy Spruce, and her birthdate. Underneath it says, Beloved Daughter.
She was so much more than just a daughter. I’m sure that her parents loved her and she loved them, but they were not very close. And yet, in death, that is all she seems to be. I guess you can’t put ‘best friend and a girl who loved nothing more than to have a good time’ on a slab of rock.
Chapter 12 - Ellie
When I go to see her…
I stare at the gravesite, watching raindrops collide with it. What I would give for an umbrella right now, so I could shield her headstone.
“Hi, Caroline,” I say quietly. “I know what you would say right now. What the hell am I doing here in the middle of a rainstorm? Well, you see it’s either now or never. I don’t really know what’s going to happen with my arrest. I might be going away for a long time. A very long time.”
Just saying those words out loud sends shivers through my body. I shudder and wrap my hands stronger around my shoulders.
“The thing is that I wanted to come here and tell you something,” I continue. “You were my best friend. No, you are my best friend. There’s no one else like you. So, as soon as I heard, I knew that I had to tell you.”
His to Bind Page 4
