I take a deep breath.
“Caroline, I’m having a baby. A little boy.”
The words hang in the air above us as I choke up over my tears.
“I know you weren’t much into kids, at least that’s what you always said. And that’s what I said as well. But it’s really different now that I’m the one who is pregnant. And I know deep in my heart that if you were here right now, you would feel different about kids, too, knowing that your best friend was having one.”
I take a deep breath and wipe some of the tears. But more quickly take their place.
“I want you to be the godmother of my baby. I know that you are not particularly religious and neither am I. But to me, having a godmother means that there’s always someone out there that loves my child as much as I do. And I want you to be his godmother…even if you are not around anymore.”
My nose is running along with my eyes and it’s all mixing with the raindrops thundering on me from the sky.
“Will you be his godmother, Caroline?” I ask. I wait for her to respond even though I know that it’s stupid and futile. And then, much to my surprise, a loud roar of thunder rolls in.
Yes, yes, the thunder says. And the sun peeks out slightly from behind the far away clouds.
“Thank you,” I whisper. “Now I know that my baby boy has someone to watch over him. You will be there for him no matter what.”
Another roar of thunder rolls through.
I wipe my tears and kneel down next to the headstone. I put my hand over her name.
Why did you leave me that note, Caroline? I ask, only this time, I don’t say it out loud. Why did you want me to know that it wasn’t an accidental overdose? Was that supposed to make me feel better about this whole thing? Like, it’s something you wanted? Well, I know you, Caroline. I know that this was not something you wanted. This was the last thing you wanted. That decision, it was just a spur of the moment thing. Something stupid. You didn’t really mean it. Did you?
And then it hits me.
“You wanted me to know how badly he had hurt you,” I say. “Didn’t you?”
A bolt of lightning flashes through the sky.
“You wanted me to know that it wasn’t an accident,” I say and another bolt strikes through the clouds above my head.
“The DA will be pressing charges against Tom,” I say. “He reached out to me. He will be pressing charges against him for what he did to you and I will testify on your behalf. I will tell them what happened that night, if it’s the last thing I do. I will testify even I have to do it from jail.”
Another bolt of lightning strikes and I bury my head in my hands and crouch further down, almost entirely onto the wet soggy ground. My shoes and the bottom of my pants sink further into the mud.
I don’t say anything else after that and I do not hear any more thunder or see any more lightning. As I walk back to the cab, I wonder if I am just a silly girl who talked to herself at that cemetery and all that ruckus that I heard was nothing but weather. Perhaps. Probably. At least that’s what my head says. But deep within my heart, I know the truth.
When I get to the cab, I tell the driver to take me back to the train station.
“Do you have a family member there?” he asks. I shrug and nod.
“Yep,” I say. It’s not a lie at all. Caroline is like family to me.
“I’m sorry about that. Did they die young?”
“Yes, very young. She was my age.”
“That’s horrible,” the cab driver says. We sit in silence for a while. There’s something about the topic of death that makes it impossible to take the conversation further. If I don’t explain who died and why, it’s too uncomfortable for the other person to continue pressing the issue.
The rain clears up a bit on the short drive back. I look at my phone. A missed text from Aiden. He’s going to be back at the hotel a bit later than he thought. Good. That gives me a bit more time to get back.
A loud screeching of tires breaks my concentration. A strong forward momentum slams me into the plexiglass separation between the front seat and the back seat. Everything turns to black.
Chapter 13 - Ellie
When I realize what happened…
When I open my eyes, I find myself in a daze. There are red blinking lights everywhere around me. People are gathering and staring into the back seat. Someone opens my door and helps me out. My first thought is no, no, no. I shouldn’t be here. And all of these people should not know that I’m here.
“Are you okay, miss?” someone asks me. When I look up, I see that it’s the cab driver. I’ve only seen him from behind the wheel, so it’s kind of a surprise to see him in front of me. He is much taller than he seemed before.
“Miss, are you okay?” he asks again. I just realize that I haven’t responded to anyone for a while.
“Yes, I think so,” I manage. He takes his hand and helps me up to my feet. I look around. The back of the car in front of us is all smashed in.
“What happened?” I ask.
“He got into my lane without using a turn signal and then stopped short!” my cab driver starts to rant. I immediately regret the fact that I even asked.
The other driver responds with a completely different story and they start to bicker. Okay, Ellie. Think. You are still in Connecticut. You need to get to your train. It’s a long ride back.
“Well, the cops will be here soon.” I hear my cab driver say. My heart sinks. The cops! No. I can’t have the cops taking down my name or anything else.
“Listen, I have to go. I have a train to catch,” I say.
“No, you can't go.”
“Yes, I can. The train station isn’t far from here.”
“I need you as an alibi. You have to give your testimony.”
That’s the last thing I intend to do.
“I didn’t see anything,” I say. “Honest. I was looking through my phone and just felt the impact.”
“Well, you don’t have to say that,” he says with a wink.
“Oh, no, no, no. You are not going to coerce her into lying,” the other driver butts in and they start to yell at each other again. I use this opportunity to quietly walk away from the scene. I walk across two lanes of traffic and take the next exit off the highway.
Unfortunately, I am still quite far away from the train station. It didn’t look that far on my phone, but then I realize that was the driving time. It’s definitely too far to walk.
Okay, what to do. I look around the quiet suburban street. Nothing but SUVs and two-car garages everywhere. This isn’t New York. There’s no way that I’m going to be hailing a cab around here any time soon. And this is not exactly the type of neighborhood where there’s a bus stop anywhere nearby. No, my only option for getting to the train station on time is to get a ride share. Uber or Lyft. I turn on my phone and click on the app. I know that it’s possible for them to track me here, but I’m not really sure if it makes sense to keep all of this a secret anymore. Still, it’s best if I’m the one who comes forward with this. The last thing I need is to get caught across state lines without a particularly good explanation.
The rest of the trip is pretty uneventful. I manage to take the train that’s only half an hour later than the one I planned to take and I will be back at the hotel way ahead of Aiden. Grabbing a seat by the window, I start to obsess about my options. One option is that I don’t tell anyone about my visit. No one has to know, right? Well, that would’ve been the way to go before the accident. I bought my train ticket with cash. I took a cab. Again, paying in cash. All of these things ensured very little possibility of tracking. But now that I was in an accident, everything is different. I had to take a ride share to get to the train station. That means there’s a record of me paying for an Uber using my phone in Connecticut. The app doesn’t accept cash and everyone’s names are visible and recorded. Of course, just because this information exists, it doesn’t mean that the DA in Boston or in New York has to find out about it.
But it does mean that I won’t have a good explanation for any of it if by some crazy chance they do.
My thoughts go back and forth about all the possible eventualities. I am still completely undecided when I walk through the doors of the hotel and head up to our suite. Okay, stop thinking about this, I say to myself to calm myself down. You have plenty of time to decide one way or another. No one knows yet. Just get back, start the bath, and dig into a bowl of ice cream. That will clear my head real fast. But as soon as I open the door, my mind goes blank.
“Hey, where were you?”
Aiden is sitting on the couch watching a game on TV. He’s dressed in sweats. He has been here for some time. How long, I don’t really know. When I thought that my mind was running in circles before, it doesn’t even compare to what’s going on now.
Just when I am about to answer, Thurston comes out of the guest bathroom.
“Oh, good, you’re here,” he says. “I was able to get us a sit-down with the assistant DA and the main detective about your case for tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. The word just hangs there in the air, as if it’s suspended on a string.
I stare at them both dumbfounded. I don’t know what to say.
“What’s wrong?” Aiden asks. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Something like it, I think to myself.
“Thurston wants to go over your story,” Aiden says. “I guess story is the wrong word. He wants to go over what happened. Why don’t you grab some food and have a seat.”
He points to the room service cart in the middle of the room. I walk over to it slowly.
“Aren’t you going to take off your coat?” Aiden asks, furrowing his brows. Yes, of course. I look down. I’m still wearing my boots, scarf, and jacket.
“Oh, wow, your shoes are so dirty,” he adds. “What happened?”
Chapter 14 - Ellie
When I get caught…
I walk back to the foyer trying to think of what to say. What possible explanation I could have for all of this. But nothing comes to mind. I undress slowly, trying to buy some time. Then I head to the bathroom inside the master bedroom.
“Hey, are you okay?” Aiden knocks after a few minutes. I’m hiding out. I don’t know what else to do.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I say. “I thought that you were going to be in New York.”
“We got finished early.”
Just my luck, I mumble.
“Ellie, what’s going on?” he asks. I shrug as if he can see me. I don’t respond. He knocks again.
“I’m just not feeling very good,” I finally say.
How long can I seriously keep this up? Thurston has set up a meeting with them for tomorrow. I need to know what I should do. I have to tell someone. What if I lie to them and that makes the whole thing go to hell? What if they already know and it makes me look even guiltier? No, I need advice.
“Aiden, I have to tell you something,” I say, coming out of the bathroom and launching into what happened today.
Aiden listens carefully without saying a word. Then he goes into the living room and tells Thurston that the meeting for tomorrow is off.
“Please reschedule it,” he says when Thurston asks for a clarification. “We need time. A lot more time.”
“I’m really not sure if we do,” I say. “Maybe I can just tell them what happened.”
“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Thurston demands more than he asks.
“I went to Connecticut today.”
“You aren’t allowed to leave the state,” Thurston says.
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry. But I wanted to go to my friend’s gravesite. I had to tell her something important.”
“So, you didn’t even see a real person?” Thurston gasps. “I mean, a live person?”
“No…but I had to go to her gravesite.”
I explain myself further, going over all the reasons that I have just stated to Aiden. Neither of them seem particularly convinced.
“So, you were never going to tell us about it,” Aiden says. “If you weren’t in a car accident?”
Well, yes, actually that’s true, I want to say, but I bite my tongue.
“I’m going to go,” Thurston says after a moment. “I’m going to figure this out and get back to you.”
As soon as he leaves, I walk up to Aiden and apologize. Again. And again. But he just pushes my hands away from him.
“I’m sorry, okay?” I say. “I’m really, really sorry. I just wanted to have a moment with Caroline. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with this sit-down or whether I was going to go to trial and I needed to talk to her.”
“She’s dead, Ellie. You can talk to her at any time. You don’t have to cross state lines.”
“Okay, I know that you believe that, and lots of people do. But it was different to be there. I felt closer to her. I felt her there.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Aiden yells. “You can go away for a very long time. They can put you in prison.”
“Don’t raise your voice at me,” I say. He walks from one side of the room to another. His face is flushed. Steaming. I’ve never seen him this upset or mad before.
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” he says loudly.
“Well, you don’t tell me what to do!” I yell back. My ears start to buzz. Is this really happening? Are we really screaming at each other?
“I need some space,” he says, heading toward the front door.
“No, no.” I run up to him. “You are not walking out on me. I need to talk to you about this.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“I already apologized, okay? I’m sorry.”
Why won’t he forgive me? I wonder. Just forgive me. I said that I was sorry.
“What do you want from me?” he asks.
“I want you to stay and talk to me.”
“Talk to you about what, exactly? How I’m here doing everything in my power to make sure that nothing happens to you? And you, just run off and break one of the most important conditions of your bail? They are going to take away your bail. You know that? You’re going to have to sit in jail until your court date.”
“Fuck you!” I yell. Now, it’s my turn to walk away. More like run away. I slam the door to the bedroom and lock it. Tears start to run down my cheeks. Hot angry tears. He is just saying all of those things to hurt me. To scare me. I know that he doesn’t mean any of that. He doesn’t even know if they will come true. But I’m angry anyway.
There’s a knock on the door. I ignore him. He knocks again. This time louder.
“Ellie, please, I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you!” I yell through the door.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”
I don’t say anything.
“Look, I apologized,” he says sarcastically. “Why don’t you forgive me?”
“Go fuck yourself, Aiden,” I say quietly.
He knocks again.
“Please open the door,” he pleads in a completely different tone. “Please.”
I get off the bed and unlock the door. Before he walks in, I plop back down on the bed and bury my head in the pillows.
“Ellie,” he says, sitting down next to me.
“Don’t you know that I’m an idiot?” I ask. My voice is muffled by the pillows.
“What?” He pulls on my shoulder. I repeat myself and bury my head in his shoulders.
“I know that I shouldn’t have gone there. I know that now. I mean, I had my apprehension about it. But I also didn’t know what was going to happen and I wanted to talk to her. One last time.”
“Don’t talk like that,” he says, putting his hand around me. He runs his fingers through my hair, petting my head. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I mumble.
“I’m going to make it okay. I promise.”
I inhale and exhale deeply. I don’t know if I really believe him, but in this m
oment I do. I believe him, mainly because I have to. I don’t have any other choice. I need this to be okay because I can’t imagine it being not okay. What do I have waiting for me on the other end of not okay? A trial. A guilty verdict. Having my baby in prison. Never seeing him again. No, that can’t happen. No, no, no. Tears start to roll down my cheeks and my whole body starts to shake. Aiden wraps his hands firmly around me and holds me as I cry.
It takes me more than a few minutes to calm down. The pregnancy is, of course, not helping my overall mood management, but frankly I have no idea how much of my emotional outpour can be attributed to that versus the reality of this situation.
“I’m going to be okay,” I say, pulling myself away from Aiden. He lets me go and lies down on the bed, closing his eyes.
I stand up and head to the bathroom. I glance at myself in the mirror. It’s not a pretty sight. My eye makeup is all smeared with big black splotches around my cheeks, where I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. I splash water on my face and wipe off the remnants. Is this really going to be okay? I ask myself, silently staring at my reflection in the mirror. I don’t know. I really don’t know. But what is there really to do but to take each moment as it comes? I take a deep breath. For now, stop obsessing about it. You need rest and if you keep going back and forth about all the things that you should or shouldn’t have done, you won’t get any sleep at all. Tomorrow’s a new day to make all new decisions. And mistakes. Shit, here I go again. I splash more cold water on my face and put everything that happened out of my mind.
After running a brush through my tangled hair, I pull down my pants and sit down on the toilet. That’s when I see all the blood.
Chapter 15 - Ellie
When something worse happens…
The blood is everywhere. All over my panties and thighs. I stare at the red liquid for a few moments. Mesmerized. But not in a good way. Why is it here? What’s going on? Aren’t I not supposed to have my period when I’m pregnant?
His to Bind Page 5
