No Regrets

by Joy Argento

  It was from Beth. I smiled.

  Beth

  I watched a glowing ember float up from the fire pit and disappear in the cooling night air. I sipped my beer and swiped at a drip running down the neck of the bottle as Claire droned on about work and her place in its hierarchy. I had invited Jodi, Claire, and the kids for an evening in front of the fire pit, drinks, and s’mores. I thought it was a good way to get to know Claire, give her a fair shake, maybe see what Jodi saw in her.

  Jodi poked a marshmallow on one of the sticks I had purchased for the evening and held it over the fire pit, turning it deftly so it browned to perfection without burning and handed it to Annie.

  “Wow. I’m impressed,” I told her.

  She turned with a smile on her face. “One of my many talents.”

  “Marshmallow roaster extraordinaire.”

  Claire leaned forward and gave Jodi’s knee a squeeze. “She is a woman of many talents. She’s also great at starting fires.”

  “Like an arsonist?” I joked.

  Jodi laughed. “No. Like in fireplaces or”—she waved her hand toward the fire—“fire pits. The secret is this little starter log. They catch quickly and spread fast.”

  “Oh, you’re too modest, babe,” Claire said. “I have a hell of time, even with those little sticks. Jodi’s great at it.”

  “Thanks, honey,” Jodi said.

  Claire continued looking at me. “I’m so glad you and Jodi are friends. I know she’s been lonely here. She had a good many friends in Denver. Of course, a few took advantage of her and proved not to be so great.”

  I looked over at Jodi. I could imagine that her gentle nature could easily be taken advantage of. She simply shrugged like it didn’t matter and took a bite of a marshmallow. A bit of the sticky sweetness clung to her lip. The urge to wipe it off with my finger surprised me. It didn’t surprise me to see Claire do it and pop her finger in her mouth. I looked away. I didn’t see her, but I heard Claire kiss Jodi. I assumed on the mouth. Jodi was smiling when I looked back over at her. But her shoulders were slumped, almost in defeat. Her body belied the look on her face. I saw it but was willing to bet Claire didn’t. I was sure Claire didn’t see the heart or magnificence of Jodi.

  I had done my best to open my heart and my home to Claire without judgment. But there it was. I was judging her. I was judging her as unworthy. Unworthy of Jodi or her love.

  “How’s mine?” Andrew showed me his marshmallow, toasted brown on one side and burnt black on the other.

  “Looks great to me. Your mom says you play lacrosse.”

  “Yeah. We had our last game already.”

  “Oh. I would have liked to see you play.”

  “We lost. Did you ever play sports?”

  “Nope. I was more into cheerleading than playing.”

  “That’s cool,” Andrew said. “When I get to high school I might play football. They get the cheerleaders.” He wolfed down his marshmallow and proceeded to put another one on his stick. “Mom,” he said to Jodi. “Next time you go get your hair cut, can I come and get mine cut too?”

  “Of course,” she said. She looked over at me and smiled. It warmed my heart.

  The kids seemed to have a good time and I really liked having them and Jodi over. Claire I could tolerate for Jodi’s sake.

  Jodi helped me clean up while the kids and Claire continued to enjoy the fire.

  “I can’t believe how much Andrew talked to you tonight,” Jodi said. “He hasn’t said that much to me in the last month.”

  “He’s a good kid,” I told her. “We’ll have to do this again sometime.”

  “I would like that.”

  Annie came into the kitchen with the bag of marshmallows. “We have some left,” she said. “Where should I put them?”

  “Thanks so much for helping, Annie. Do you want to take them home?” I looked at Jodi. “If it’s okay with your mom.”

  “Can I, Mom?”

  Jodi nodded. “Sure.”

  Annie gave me a tight hug. “Thanks. I had so much fun tonight.”

  “Me too.”

  Jodi wrapped her arms around both of us. “Group hug.”

  I didn’t know exactly what it was about Jodi, but there was something that got under my skin and went right to my heart.

  Jodi

  I kissed both kids good-bye and gave them each a tight hug. These were the only times Andrew let me kiss him anymore. I brushed away a tear that somehow managed to disobey my order not to cry.

  “You guys have a great time with your dad. Grandma’s going to come and get you next week so you can spend time with her too.”

  Andrew rolled his eyes. “We know, Mom. You’ve told us ten times.”

  “I did not. I’ve been counting and it’s only been nine.”

  I went over a list of things in my head that I’d wanted to make sure I told them, trying to figure out if there was anything I missed. Don’t talk to anyone they didn’t know—Andrew, keep an eye on your little sister—Don’t spend the emergency money I gave you on anything foolish—Dad will be there waiting for you when you get off the plane.

  I figured I had covered everything—at least three times. I gave them each another hug when they called for their flight to start boarding. I walked them to the line and watched them go down the hallway to their plane. Annie turned and waved just before they were out of sight. I let a few tears roll down my cheeks before brushing them away.

  That quote from A Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” came to mind. I missed my kids when they were gone for the summer, but it meant I got more alone time with Claire, and the tension in the house between her and the kids was temporarily gone.

  I hung around the airport watching out the window until the plane taxied down the runway and out of sight. I sent a silent prayer and boatload of positive energy out for their safety and headed out to the parking lot.

  Claire was still at work when I got home. I set the groceries I had picked up, along with the bottle of wine and flowers, on the kitchen table and went to let Tess out.

  By the time Claire walked in the side door that led to the garage I was just putting the finishing touches on our dinner. I had two glasses of Claire’s favorite wine poured and fresh flowers on the table.

  “What’s all this?” Claire asked.

  I kissed her on the mouth. “This…” I waved my hands toward the table. “Is a romantic dinner to celebrate the first night of some much needed alone time.”

  “Nice. I’m just going to run upstairs to change.”

  I lit the candles on the table and dimmed the lights.

  Claire came back down in record time and took her place at the table. “Wow. This is nice,” she said. “I like it when it’s just you and me.”

  We enjoyed a quiet dinner together catching up on each other’s day, and Claire went to relax in front of the television while I cleaned up.

  Later that night, I didn’t bother with my pajamas and slipped under the sheets naked. I slid close to Claire and kissed her. I was aiming for her mouth, but she turned her head at the last second and my kiss landed on her cheek. I aimed again and this time found my target. But my target wasn’t as willing to kiss me back as I had planned. We’d been through this before—a lot. I knew that in the past when I wasn’t in the mood for sex, it sometimes only took a little coaxing to get me there. I often thought the same would hold true for Claire. I pushed on with my attempt at lovemaking. I found the soft skin of her stomach underneath her pajama top. As quickly as I started caressing her, her hand was on top of mine stopping its progression.

  “Come on,” I whispered in my most seductive voice. “We’re all alone. It’s just you and me.”

  “I’m really tired,” she said. Her usual excuse. But I guess that was slightly better than the times she totally ignored my advances as if I wasn’t even there. Those times I felt like crawling under a rock, but I usually just rolled over to my side of the bed and wished I
was as invisible as she made me feel.

  I decided to push just a bit harder—something I almost never did after being rejected. “Tomorrow’s Saturday, sweetie. You can sleep in and make up for any sleep you lose tonight. I promise to make it worth your while.” I moved in closer and planted tiny kisses down her neck.

  She twisted just enough to let me know that she wanted me to stop. I did and without another word I got up and put my pajamas on. I crawled back into bed, being very conscious of staying on my own side.

  “Good night,” Claire said as if nothing had just transpired.

  “Night,” I said with my back toward her.

  I could hear her reach for the television remote on her nightstand. The Law and Order repeat blared into the silence of the room. I put my pillow over my head to drown out the sound and my feelings of rejection.

  * * *

  The next morning, I needed to get out of the house for a while. After Claire’s rejection, I didn’t feel like spending time with her. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want her to know I was mad at her. Baggage from my childhood. I wasn’t allowed to be mad in my father’s presence. Ironic, since most of the time when I was mad during my childhood, I was mad at him. “Put a smile on your face,” he would say. I would plaster that fake smile on long enough to be able to retreat to my room and away from him. Funny what we carried over from childhood. Thank God he had mellowed as he aged.

  “I need to do some running around,” I told her. “I have to go get some supplies for a sign order.” It was the truth. I didn’t need them until next week, but now was as good a time as any to get them. I was hoping she wouldn’t offer to go with me. She didn’t.

  I gave her a chaste kiss good-bye and headed out to my car. I was almost to the store when my cell phone rang. A quick glance told me it was Beth. I stuck my Bluetooth in my ear and pressed the button.

  “Hey there.”

  “Hi. I have a question for you.”

  “Shoot.”

  “Where can I get some of those fire starter sticks you mentioned? I thought it might make it easier using the fire pit.”

  “I’m out running errands,” I told her. “I can stop and get you some. Will you be home in about an hour if I come by with it?” I hoped she’d say yes. I really wanted to see her. This was the perfect excuse. I calculated in my mind the best way to get to Home Depot from where I was.

  “You don’t have to do that. I’m sure you’re busy.”

  “It’s no problem. I don’t have anything pressing I need to do today.” I certainly didn’t want to go home and spend time with Claire. I would much rather spend the rest of my day with Beth. I was assuming that she would be free to spend it with me. I loved the fact that she wasn’t dating anyone and had no one she needed to account to. Please say I can come over, I thought. There was no way I could actually tell her how much I wanted that. It was a fine line between the crush I felt for her and making sure she didn’t find out. “What do you think? It won’t take me long to get them and get them to you.”

  “If you’re sure it’s not a problem.”

  I pulled into someone’s driveway to turn around. Home Depot was in the other direction. “Not a problem at all. I’ll be there shortly.” I was about to say good-bye.

  “Did you eat lunch? I can make us something when you get here.”

  Yes! I forced myself to keep my voice even—to keep the excitement out of it. “That would be great. See you soon.” I hit the end button on my phone and tossed it on the seat next to me.

  Beth

  Sometimes I didn’t know how to take Jodi’s kindness. I appreciated it. That’s for sure. But I knew she had been taken advantage of in her life by people who used her. She tried to hide her past hurt over it, but I knew it was there. The last thing I ever wanted to do was use Jodi or worse yet, hurt her. Jodi had become much more than just a good friend to me. She was my best friend. But even that didn’t seem adequate enough. I searched for the right words in my mind to describe how I felt about her, but none came. I knew how I felt when I was with her. Those words flowed effortlessly through my mind. Happy. Thankful. Peaceful. Loved. Appreciated. Special. I liked how easy it was to talk to her. To be with her. I had never had a friend before that I felt so connected to. I think she felt it too. She went out of her way to spend time with me. At first, I thought maybe she felt sorry for me, being a single mom with no partner in my life. Funny how I used that word sometimes instead of what fit for me in the past—boyfriend, husband.

  Knowing Jodi somehow equalized things in my mind, if that even made sense. Her relationship with her partner was no less real than any I would have had with a man. Claire. She was nowhere near Jodi’s caliber. Their hearts didn’t seem to match. I wasn’t sure Claire even had one. I respected Jodi’s choice for a life partner, but that didn’t mean I had to think Claire was good enough for her. She wasn’t. I couldn’t quite understand why Jodi couldn’t see it.

  Jodi deserved to be loved deeper and treated better than Claire seemed capable of. I realized I didn’t like seeing them together. Didn’t like seeing them kiss good-bye or hug. Didn’t like the way Claire rested her hand on Jodi’s knee. The word jealous popped into my mind but was quickly erased. That was just plain ridiculous. There was nothing to be jealous of. I just wanted my friend to be happy. That was it. And I had heard Jodi say enough things about Claire—hell, I had witnessed enough things to know that Jodi wasn’t really happy with Claire. At least I didn’t think she was. Jodi never came right out and said that. And she stayed. Stayed with the woman who didn’t treat her good enough. Why was that?

  I also wondered what I had in the house to make for lunch when Jodi got here. Jodi. The thought of her made me smile and brought a lightness to my being. I certainly did like spending time with her. No one could make me laugh like she did. That’s what I think I loved most about her. The word struck me. Love. I tossed it around in my mind. Love. Did I love her? Of course, I did. She was my friend. I loved other friends. Maybe not like this though. Love.

  I turned it over again. Wait a minute. Love. Was I in love with her? No. I was straight. A hundred percent, perfectly straight. Straight women didn’t fall in love with other women. That’s not the way it worked. I searched my mind for any indication of anything like this happening to me before. I needed to sit. I eased myself down on the end of the couch and scratched my head. That was something I never realized I did when I was thinking until Jodi pointed it out. She noticed a lot of stuff about me that no one else ever did.

  Maybe that was it. I just felt she was special because she paid attention. She was a lesbian. She paid attention to other women. My first—only—lesbian friend. Sure, it would feel different. I paid attention to her as well. I could tell how she was feeling simply by looking at her face or the way her shoulders rolled forward…or the toss of her head…or…so apparently, she wasn’t the only one paying attention.

  I’ve heard stories of people who knew they were gay from a young age. Jodi had told me that she started having crushes on girls in seventh grade. Patty Gorman, my best friend in middle school—no. No crush there. The other girls in cheerleading in high school—again nothing. Anywhere? Any indication that this would even be possible for me? No. You didn’t wake up one day and go from being straight to being in love with another woman.

  Was I in love with her? I asked myself again. I didn’t really want to know the answer. The possibility of it was frightening. What would it say about me? Would that make me gay? What would my mother think if I was gay? Would she be mad? Being gay didn’t work in my world. This was just stupid. I wasn’t gay. That much I knew. But I couldn’t definitely answer no to the question about whether I was in love with Jodi. I gathered up the feeling and the fear surrounding it and stuffed it into that secret compartment in my heart where I put everything I couldn’t or wouldn’t face—the grief from my father’s death—the fear I felt at the prospect of being a single mother at seventeen—the stress of opening my own business—and now
any undesired feeling for another woman. It would be safe there. Safe from the world. Safe from myself. Whether I was in love with her or not, I didn’t have to think about it. I would never act on it so there was no need to really face it or figure it out. With the problem safely tucked away, I got up and went into the kitchen to figure out lunch.

  Jodi

  I considered telling Beth about what happened with Claire last night but decided against it. I loved Claire and wanted Beth to like her. I had the feeling Beth wasn’t crazy about her, and this information would have made her like her even less.

  I forced a smile, but it turned genuine as soon as Beth opened the door.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey yourself,” I answered. “I brought you a present.” I handed her the bag of fire starters.

  She put her hand to her chest. “Oh my. You shouldn’t have.” She feigned a southern accent. “Why, you are just so kind.”

  “My pleasure.”

  “Come on in.” She stepped out of the way so I could pass. She smelled like vanilla and cinnamon. “What do I owe you?”

  “Nothing. They were free.”

  She set them on the coffee table as we passed through the living room. “Yeah, right.”

  “All right, they weren’t free. But I stole them so they didn’t cost me anything.”

  “You’re just too funny.”

  “Feed me lunch and we’ll call it even.”

  “Deal.” She led the way to the dining room. The table was set for two.

  “Where’s Maddie?”

  “Out with friends, of course. Sit.” She pointed at the chair across from her.

  It shouldn’t have made a difference, but I was glad it was just her and me. I told her about the kids leaving and how I felt about it.

  “Gives you and Claire some alone time. That must be nice.”

  I nodded. Against my will, the details of last night and the lack of sex in my relationship came flooding out of my mouth as tears spilled from my eyes. Beth was on her feet in seconds with her arms around me. Her hug was warm and comforting.