No Regrets

by Joy Argento

  I needed to go to sleep. The prescription from the doctor helped but not enough. Sleep. Sleep delayed the pain. But only delayed it. And only for a bit. The dreams came anyway. Dreams that could never come true. I knew I needed to let go of the dream.

  I ran my hand over her side of the bed and thought about her just across town but a world away. She was probably lying in bed asleep or trying to sleep. I wrapped my arms around her in my mind and sent her love. Unconditional, needing nothing back, love. I hoped she felt it and for a brief moment thought of me. I pictured the pink rose quartz heart I had given her and the wooden box she kept it in tucked safely away in her nightstand. In my mind’s eye, she reached over in the dark and quietly opened the drawer and removed it from the box. She clutched in her closed hand and held it close to her heart as she drifted off to sleep, thinking of me and feeling my love.

  Beth

  I wasn’t sure what made me do it, but I reached into the drawer of my nightstand and pulled out the pink heart Jodi had given me. I rubbed my fingers over it letting the smoothness seep into my soul. The stone seemed to radiate warmth into me the same way Jodi’s heart did when we were together. I closed my fingers around it and brought it to my chest. This was the only way I could have Jodi’s heart next to mine. I missed that heart. I missed my friend. I missed the woman that meant so much to me. I knew the cord that connected us was still there, but she had said she needed time away from me and I gave it to her.

  Al let out a snore as he rolled over onto his back beside me. I had made my choice. The only one I felt I could. I closed my eyes, and with that stone in my hand and my choice lying next to me in bed, I fell asleep.

  * * *

  Al was up and already off to work, I assumed, when I woke up the following morning. The rose quartz was still in my hand, warm from my sleep. I placed it back in its wooden box in my nightstand, safely away from the confusion and upset that was my life.

  Al’s toothbrush lay over the edge of his sink. Proof that he had been here and was gone. If he kissed me good-bye I didn’t remember it. It was more likely he didn’t. He was on his best behavior, but deep down he was who he was, and who he was was a man who didn’t show much affection…at least not to me. I didn’t know what kind of affection he had given to the woman he’d cheated on me with.

  If I was going to make this work—and I was determined to—I needed to forgive and forget. I believed I was well on the way to forgiveness, but forgetting was another matter. It would take time. I prayed for the happiness to return to our marriage. I knew that if the marriage worked, I could be happy again. I felt so alone in the world. There was a palpable disconnect between Al and me, and Jodi’s swift exit from my life left me feeling even more miserable. Between the two though, I found it was Jodi I missed the most. I was starting to wonder if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

  Jodi

  What did it feel like to miss someone who I really had no right to miss? Someone who had a piece of my heart that was so big I was sure I couldn’t go on living without her near. Without the piece of my heart that she held, my heart didn’t seem to have the strength to beat in the rhythm it was meant to.

  I sat cross-legged on the floor and set the book I’d been reading facedown, still opened to the page I was on. How to Move On, I read the title one more time. I needed to get on with my life. I hadn’t seen Beth in a few months, and I was having a hard time letting her go. I had done each exercise in the book and was on the very last one—metaphorically cutting the cord that connected us. I did a short meditation focusing on each part of my body in turn allowing it to relax. I pictured Beth in my mind. My heart leapt, but I pushed it back into its place. I pictured a cord running between us joining us at the heart. It was made up of multiple strands, some thick, some thin, all wrapped and weaved together. It seemed unbreakable. In my mind’s eye, I started with the thinner threads on the outside and pulled them apart with my hands. Soon the strands grew thicker as I got to inner portions. My hands would no longer work. I imagined a knife, a hunting knife, and hacked away at them. My arm grew tired with the effort. The cord didn’t want to let loose and some of the threads held tight. I mentally switched to a handsaw and got through a few more. When I was exhausted and done, there was one single strand left. No matter what I did I couldn’t get it to break. It still connected Beth and me. Maybe it was meant to last, meant to always connect us in a way that no one else could see, but we could still feel. Surely, one single thread couldn’t hurt me as much as that cord did. I had no choice but to allow it to remain. I looked at the strand and sent a wave of love along it. It was the only way I had of expressing what was inside me. I tried to force all of my love for Beth through it and out of my body. I felt the ripple as the energy flowed from me to her, but only a portion of it flowed. The rest remained in my heart.

  I got up and shook each leg to get the blood flowing again. I had no idea if the exercise would help. I found Beth was never far from my mind.

  She’d hurt me like no one ever had before. I know she didn’t mean to. How much grieving could I do over one person? The depth of my pain had surprised me—as did the depth of my love. The stomach pains that had started when Andrew joined the military had continued. But now I attributed them to the pain of missing Beth.

  I felt like I had no control of the physical or emotional pain. And that pissed me off. Maybe the lesson was that control, like everything else in life, was an illusion—a promise that could never be. I dreamt of love. I dreamt of a life and connection like I’d never know before. That dream was like a candle flame that burns bright one second but flips and bends with the reality of the slightest breeze—easily extinguished with a single breath.

  I needed to get my life together. Annie had asked if she could go back and stay with her father before school started. She had reconnected with old friends in Denver over the summer and felt like her life was there for a while. My small apartment probably seemed like a hole in the wall compared to her father’s house.

  I knew she would be better off there and I could take the time I needed to heal from Beth. I reluctantly agreed. I cried for three hours straight after I put her on the plane. My mother, Beth, and now Annie. How much more loss could I endure?

  Beth

  I walked into my old house and turned on the living room light. I absently picked up one of Maddie’s sweaters hanging off the edge of a chair, folded it, and placed it neatly on the seat. I had to admit that for the most part Maddie was taking good care of the place.

  “Hi, Mom,” she said, bounding down the stairs. “Want to go out to lunch or eat here?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “I figured if you were inviting me over, you would be making us lunch.”

  I followed Maddie into the dining room. The table was set for two, including wine glasses and cloth napkins.

  “Just kidding. I made your favorite.”

  “Prime rib?”

  “I mean I made your second favorite. Have a seat. I’ll get it.” She went into the kitchen and returned with a basket of garlic bread in one hand and small pan of lasagna in the other. It brought me back to the first time I had invited Jodi over for lunch.

  Maddie must have read the look on my face. “What’s wrong? Something else going on with Al?” I hadn’t shared the details of Al’s infidelity, but she did know there were some problems in the marriage.

  I shook my head. “No. He’s been stepping up to the plate. It’s just…” I wasn’t sure how much to say. If she noticed that Jodi wasn’t in my life anymore she hadn’t said anything.

  “Come on, Mom. You can tell me.” She sat across from me. “What’s going on? You haven’t been yourself for months now.”

  I hadn’t told anyone about my feelings for Jodi or how our friendship had played out. I missed Jodi terribly. I had come close to telling my sister, Jen, but feared her judgment. Maybe Maddie was the one to confide in. The secret and loss were eating me alive.

  “Mom?”

  “D
o you remember my friend Jodi?”

  “Sure. You haven’t mentioned her in a while. I just assumed you had gone your separate ways.”

  I poured myself a glass of wine before continuing. “She has come in and out of my life. Some of it my choice, lately it’s been her choice. She was—is…” I hesitated. I took a large sip of the liquid courage from my wine glass. I told Maddie the whole story.

  She listened without interrupting. I wiped my tears with my napkin as the truth I had been holding in poured out of me. “Oh, Mom,” she said when I had finished. “I’m so sorry.”

  “You don’t think I’m a horrible person for loving another woman?”

  “No way. I just want you to be happy. Besides, there’s a difference between doing something out of love or out of obligation. You shouldn’t stay with Al if it’s only out of obligation.”

  I hadn’t considered that, but she was right. That was the only reason I was trying to work things out with him. Suddenly, things came into focus. I had been fighting for something that wasn’t worth fighting for. But Jodi was. Jodi was definitely worth fighting for.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? Jodi needed time away from me. I’m not sure forever would be long enough for her. I know I hurt her deeply. All I want is to be with her.”

  “What about Al?”

  “No matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to gather up any feelings for him. I’m not sure I ever really had any. I think he may have been an escape from my feelings for Jodi.”

  Maddie cut a piece of lasagna and put it on my plate. “You need to eat something—to go with that wine.”

  I looked at the glass in my hand and realized I had drained it. “Maddie, I just want to be with her. What should I do?” If you had told me years ago that I would be asking my now twenty-three-old daughter for advice I would have called you crazy. Now all I wanted to hear was her opinion.

  “What do you think would happen if you told her how you feel?”

  I poured more wine into my glass. “I don’t know. We haven’t talked for months. I have no idea if she has changed her mind about me. I don’t know what her feelings are.”

  Maddie waved her hand indicating that I should eat.

  “What if I tell her and she doesn’t want me?”

  “Oh, but what if she does?”

  A rush of adrenaline went through me at the possibility. I had made the choice to stay with Al months ago. It had been a mistake. My choice should have been Jodi. I should have gone with my heart and not my head. My heart and head finally agreed. Jodi. It was Jodi I wanted. It had been her all along. I was just too scared to face it. It was going to take courage to risk my heart. It was going to take even more courage to tell the world. I knew I could muster up the strength to do both of those things now. I just prayed I wasn’t too late.

  Jodi

  The pain in my stomach wasn’t subsiding.

  “Jodi Michaels?” the nurse called. I put down the magazine I was thumbing through and followed her to the exam room.

  “You’ve lost weight,” she said when I stepped on the scale. I wasn’t surprised. My appetite hadn’t been very good as of late.

  “That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  She didn’t answer. Once in the exam room, she took my vitals and recorded them on the computer without much chitchat. “The doctor will be right in.” With that she was gone.

  I let out a breath. I wondered if I was just wasting my time. I knew stress could do a whole of things to the body. I wasn’t surprised my stomach had been so off.

  About ten minutes later, there was a light knock on the door, immediately followed by my doctor entering the room. “Hello, Jodi. Not feeling too well, huh?”

  “It’s probably nothing. It just doesn’t seem to be going away.”

  “Let’s find out what’s going on. Hop up on the exam table.” She sat at the computer and reviewed the information the nurse had logged.

  I filled her in about how I was feeling as she listened to my heart and lungs. She gently tugged down my lower eye lid and looked at my eye. “You look a little jaundiced. I think we need to run some tests. I want to rule out hepatitis and gall bladder problems.”

  “Hepatitis?” I was surprised. I expected her to say it was stress and prescribe me something to help.

  “Do you smoke?”

  “No. Never have.”

  “Do you have a history of cancer in your family?”

  Hepatitis? Cancer? Should I be worried? Was it more than stress? “My mom died of pancreatic cancer a few years ago.”

  “Heart disease?” I knew she must have all this information in my records.

  “My dad had a heart attack six months after my mother died. Do you think stress is causing heart problems?”

  “Your heart sounded good. I’m going to order an EKG anyway. Let’s get some blood tests and a couple of scans.”

  “What?” I didn’t like the look on her face. Fear started to wrap around my heart.

  “Don’t start worrying yet. Could be something simple. I just want to start ruling things out.” She typed a few more things into the computer and stood. “The nurse will be back in a few minutes with all the paperwork. Don’t wait on these tests. Make an appointment for next week at the front desk before you leave.”

  “Okay,” was all I could manage to say. None of this was what I expected. My first thought was to call my mom. But, of course, that wasn’t a possibility. My second thought was to call Beth.

  Beth

  I felt so much better—stronger somehow—after talking to Maddie. I had told someone about my feelings for Jodi and she had been supportive. Loving. Accepting. It was time to go home and tell Al that it was over. I believed his remorse and efforts to save our marriage were sincere. But that didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t love him. I loved Jodi. I was determined to win her back whatever it took.

  “Al,” I called when I got home.

  “Upstairs in my office,” he called back.

  “Can you come down here, please?” I set my purse on the end table and sat on the couch to wait.

  “Hi, honey. What’s up?” He sat next to me.

  This was going to be harder than I thought. I still cared about him. I didn’t like hurting people, and that included him.

  “What’s going on?” he said again.

  I searched for the right words. I knew whatever I said was going to sound lame. He had put in a true effort to save our marriage, and here I was about to tear it apart. “This isn’t working for me.” Not the best start, but I truly wasn’t sure how to do it any better.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Marriage. Our marriage. It isn’t working for me.”

  He stood and ran a hand through his hair. “What more do you want me to do? I have done every single thing you asked.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was getting angry or just frustrated. “I know you have. I’m just not happy.”

  He shook his head. “Not happy? Not happy?” He stared at me in disbelief. “Look, honey…” He sat back down and took my hands. “Tell me what you want. I’ll do it. I told you I’ve changed. I did that for you.”

  I pulled my hands away from him. “I want a divorce.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me.” I could tell that was his anger coming through. “What the hell? I did everything you asked. I’ve given you everything you wanted. And you are telling me it’s not enough?”

  I considered using the classic line, It’s not you, it’s me. But I didn’t think that would help. There was no way I was going to tell him about my feelings for Jodi or the real reason I was leaving.

  “I’m sor—” I started.

  “Oh, you’re sorry. You’re sorry.” Yes, he was angry and it was escalating. I stood up and he grabbed my hand. “Don’t. Sit down. We need to talk about this.”

  I yanked my hand out of his. There wasn’t anything else to talk about. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t staying. End of conversation.
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  “Please,” he said. “Please talk to me. Don’t do this.” His anger turned to pleading. That felt far worse. I was torn between going upstairs and packing a bag or sitting back down. I chose to sit.

  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

  “I am so confused right now. I thought things were going good. I love you. I don’t want to lose you. I’m asking you not to do this, please.” He had definitely crossed over to begging. For a split second, I considered giving in. But I remembered why I was leaving him. Jodi. There was no one else in the world for me. Jodi. I stood up again, resolved to do what I had to.

  “I’m moving my stuff into the guest room. I’ll figure out where I’m going to go tomorrow. I am sorry.” With that, I grabbed my purse and went up the stairs without looking back at him. I ignored him when he called my name again. I wasn’t so much leaving someone as going toward someone. Something. Love.

  Jodi

  I hadn’t told anyone about the tests the doctor had ordered. I sat alone in the exam room waiting for the doctor to come in with my results. I vacillated between being nervous and telling myself not to worry.

  To my surprise, I had gotten a text from Beth that morning asking me to meet. I wanted to get this out of the way before answering her. If this was serious, I knew I would need her. Need to let her know. Need to have her support. If it wasn’t, there was no sense having her worry. Even though she had chosen her husband I knew she still loved me, or at the very least still cared about me.