No Regrets

by Joy Argento

  I had spent the morning in church, as I had the past several mornings, praying for her. For her peace, for her health, and selfishly, for her to let me in.

  I had offered again to have her move in with me. She used Maddie as an excuse not to. Granted, my house was small, but we would have managed. Maddie was looking for her own apartment anyway. “It will make it easier for you to convince Jodi,” she’d said. “Besides, this place is yours. You should have it back.”

  I was grateful for her support, in both the situation with Jodi and the situation with Al. He took to calling on a regular basis to try to get me to change my mind. He vacillated from being sickly sweet, to begging, to getting angry when I wouldn’t change my mind. I stopped answering his calls.

  The paperwork was in the hands of my lawyer. She knew what was going on with Jodi, and I asked her to take care of everything with minimal involvement from me. I wasn’t asking Al for anything other than what I came into the marriage with. Demanding alimony would have been futile. I discovered shortly after I found out about his affair that the money he had lavished on me and the wedding—as well as his fucking mistress—was his mother’s and subsequently his inheritance. And there wasn’t much left.

  “How’s my favorite sister-in-law?” Roger asked when he and Jen arrived a little while later.

  “I’m going to tell your brother’s wife you said that,” Jen piped in.

  “Feel free,” he answered her. “I’ll just deny it.” He gave her a love pat on the butt.

  “Was that a free feel?” she teased him.

  I envied their relationship. It was the stuff they wrote about in romance novels. That’s what I wanted with Jodi—if she would just give it a chance. But I wasn’t going to push. She had other things on her mind than my romantic notions. But that didn’t stop me from having them.

  Jodi

  Beth took my hand as we sat in the waiting room. It was warm and comforting. I was sure mine must have been ice-cold. “Nervous?”

  “Little bit,” I replied. It was all I could do to keep from passing out. I forced myself to keep my breath steady so I wouldn’t hyperventilate.

  “Just a little bit? I guess that’s good for your first procedure.”

  “If you believe that, I have some swampland in Florida I’m looking to sell.”

  “I could tell by your trembling hand that you were lying.”

  The room painted a calming yellow shade had twenty or so chairs lining the walls and about ten more in the center of the room. Only a dozen were occupied. Almost everyone had their eyes locked on their smartphones. A few watched the silent television hanging on the wall, words from closed captioning crawled across the bottom of the screen.

  I stood up when I heard my name called, still holding on to Beth’s hand.

  “Can I come?” Beth asked.

  “I’ll come back to get you when she is all set up with a gown and IV,” the nurse said.

  “You got this,” Beth said. She squeezed my hand. I was reluctant to let go. “I’ll see you soon.”

  I nodded and silently followed the nurse. Her scrub suit boasted the characters from Rug Rats. It brought me back to when my kids were babies and transfixed on the TV and that cartoon.

  My kids. I missed them terribly. I still hadn’t told Annie what was going on, but had a hard time keeping my composure when I filled Andrew in over the phone. He had offered to request emergency leave to come home. I asked him to hold off on that. I needed to stay focused on getting through this procedure. I didn’t want to have to worry about him worrying about me.

  I was led to a small room made up of one real wall in the back and three curtains that were pulled closed to make up the other three walls. A hospital gown was lying over the bed and I was instructed to remove all my clothes and change into the gown—ties in the front. I was given a large purple plastic bag with a drawstring for my clothes and a smaller one for my shoes.

  I was changed and in bed with an uncomfortable IV in my arm when Beth was led into the makeshift room.

  “That color looks good on you,” she said. “Pale green is definitely your color.”

  “It kind of matches the color of your face,” I answered. “You don’t look so good. I think you’re more nervous than I am if that’s even possible.”

  “It is.” She pulled a chair close to the bed. I hoped she would take my hand again and she didn’t disappoint.

  The nurse fiddled with the regulator thing on the IV tubing. “The doctor will be here in a few minutes,” she said. “Do you need anything?”

  “A hamburger would be nice.”

  She laughed. “Afraid not.”

  “I’ll get you a hamburger once this is over and you’re up to it,” Beth said. She ran a finger over the back of my hand she was holding. It sent a shiver through me. I made sure she didn’t see how it affected me.

  “The hell with that. I want steak and lobster after this.” I shook my head. “So far this isn’t nearly as fun as I thought it would be.”

  “No, huh? Okay. Steak and lobster, it is. I promise.”

  Dr. Daniels pulled the curtain back and stuck his head in. “How we doing?” he asked before coming all the way in. “You ready for this?”

  “Ready as I’ll ever be,” I answered. “Too late to run out now anyway. This gown doesn’t cover up enough to escape in.”

  “That’s the plan.” He pulled a small stool up to the side of the bed and sat down. “Just to remind you, we’re going to be doing targeted therapy. You chose to forgo traditional chemotherapy. We are going into the abdomen with a small cut…” He gently pulled the sheet down and opened up part of my gown, exposing my stomach. “Right here.” He pulled a black Sharpie from his coat pocket and made an X where the cut would be and signed his name above it. “We carefully snake a catheter to your pancreas and implant the medicated disc to the area above the tumor. We remove the catheter and glue the small incision.” He paused, giving us a chance to absorb the information. He had explained this along with the doctor who was running the study already, but I appreciated the fact that he was going over it again. It was a lot to take in.

  “The disc not only slowly releases a localize chemo med, it should also stop the tumor from invading the liver. The disc is biodegradable. It will dissolve on its own after all the medicine is released. Any questions so far?”

  I shook my head. He looked over at Beth and she did the same.

  “The chances of side effects are fairly low, but there have been some cases in the study ranging from mild to more severe. None have been life threatening. But some have been very unpleasant for the patient.”

  Beth gave my hand a squeeze. I was so glad for her support. I don’t think I could have gone through this on my own.

  The doctor continued. “We monitor you weekly, looking to see if the tumor is shrinking, which is our first goal. When we get to a more manageable size, we add radiation to the regiment. Final step is surgery. Best-case scenario is removal with clean margins.”

  “And if the margins aren’t clean?” Beth asked. He had covered this before, but I’m sure she just wanted to make sure she understood it.

  “Then we weigh our options. Full on chemo, more radiation, possibly a second surgery. Have you signed all the paperwork yet?”

  As if on cue, the nurse came back into the room. “Got it right here.” She held up stack of papers.

  The doctor stood. “Very good. Any final questions?”

  “Well, I’m not crazy about the fact that they would be final questions,” I said. I was actually starting to feel better about the whole situation. I might not be dead in a matter of months after all. I kept a check on my optimism, though. I didn’t want to get too hopeful. Beth, on the other hand, seemed to have enough hope for the both of us.

  The doctor chuckled. “I guess I’m going to have to work on my bedside manner. Let me rephrase. Do you have any other questions before surgery?”

  “I do not. Beth?”

  She shook he
r head. “Nope. I think you covered everything quite nicely.”

  “All right then. After you sign the consent forms, you’ll be given something to relax you and then you’ll head to the OR where we’ll get ’er done.”

  He took his leave and the nurse proceeded with the paperwork. When everything was signed and dated, she plunged a syringe into the port on the IV line.

  “Is that going to put her to sleep?” Beth asked.

  “It’s going to relax her first, but she’ll be asleep by the time she gets to the OR.” She checked my vitals one more time. Everything was in order. My blood pressure was slightly higher than normal, but she said that wasn’t unusual. “Anything else you need?” she asked, then left when I said no.

  Several minutes later, my mind started to feel a little fuzzy. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.

  “How ya doing?” Beth asked.

  Her eyes looked a little bigger than normal. “To be totally honest, I’m scared. So, if you’re a praying woman, get down on your knees. I’m not telling you to actually pray. I just like my women on their knees.” Beth burst out laughing and I joined in.

  “Miss Michaels,” a blurry man with a clipboard asked, interrupting us. He scanned my wristband.

  I nodded.

  “I’m Jason. I’m here to transport you to surgery. All set?”

  I nodded again, afraid my speech might slur. I wasn’t sure what they gave me, but I was tempted to ask if I could take some home.

  He unlocked the wheels on the bed and wheeled me toward my destiny.

  Beth

  I held Jodi’s hand, thankful she let me, until they wheeled her past the waiting room.

  “You can wait here,” Jason said to me. “Someone will come and get you once she wakes up in recovery.”

  I didn’t want to let go of her hand, but I was confident in this surgery being her first step to total recovery. She was loopy and seemed to have trouble focusing her eyes. I kissed the back of the hand I was holding and then without thinking leaned over and kissed her on the mouth. In that moment, I didn’t care who saw it. My confidence was overshadowed by fear. This was surgery, and anything could happen. If she minded the kiss she didn’t show it. I did it so fast she didn’t have time to object.

  “I love you,” I whispered close to her ear.

  Her eyes closed, and I wasn’t sure if she even heard me. I watched them take her down the hallway and out of sight around a corner before going back to the waiting room. I said a silent prayer as I sank down into the chair to wait.

  It seemed like I sat there for hours, but in truth in was probably less than one. A nurse, not the one I had seen earlier, opened the waiting room door. “Who’s here for Jodi Michaels?”

  I stood.

  “I just wanted to let you know she’s in recovery. She’s doing fine. Still asleep. I’ll come and get you when she wakes up.”

  Oh my God. She was okay. “Thank you so much.”

  She nodded and was gone.

  I sat back down and offered up a prayer of thanks.

  She was still a little groggy when I was finally led to Jodi in recovery. “Hey, gorgeous,” I said when I saw her.

  “I doubt that,” she said.

  I kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll be the judge of that. How are you feeling?”

  “Like someone cut me and stuck something inside me.”

  “Are you in pain? Want me to find the nurse?” I started back out of the room.

  “Come here. I’m okay.”

  I pulled a chair closer to the bed. “Did they tell you anything yet?”

  “No. The doctor will be in in a little while. That’s all I know.”

  “Everything went as expected,” the doctor said when he came by much later. He filled us in on what we needed to know. Watch for infection, pick up a prescription for painkillers, be sure to go for the scheduled scans and make an appointment to see him in two weeks.

  The recovery nurse showed up with a wheelchair and I went to get the car. The ride to the drugstore for meds and then to Jodi’s apartment was quick and the traffic light. I helped her up the few steps to her building and helped her settle on the couch in her apartment.

  “Hungry?” I asked.

  “Not really. I think I could use a pain pill.”

  I pulled the bottle out of my purse and read the directions. “It says it may cause nausea if not eaten with food.” I opened the bottle and spilled a couple of pills into the palm of my hand.

  “How about wine? Does it cause nausea with wine?”

  “Aren’t you just so funny?”

  “Why yes. Yes, I am.”

  I didn’t know if her mood was a sign that her attitude was better or if the medication they gave her at the hospital still had her a little loopy. She didn’t say much on the car ride home, so I wasn’t sure.

  “Do you feel like some toast?”

  “Why? Do I look like some toast?”

  I couldn’t help but giggle. “A little around the edges. Yes.” I went into the kitchen to search for some bread. She had fallen asleep sitting up by the time I had the toast made. It was all I could do not to go to her and kiss her.

  Jodi

  I woke the next morning feeling like someone had hit me in the gut with a baseball bat. There was a single pain pill and a glass of water on my nightstand. I sort of remembered Beth mentioning it was there when I needed it. There was a shiny silver bell with a black wooden handle next to the glass of water. My memory slowly seeped back into my brain. I was supposed to ring that if I needed anything. Beth said she would come running. I attempted to sit up, but that increased my pain level to an unbearable level. I considered trying to swallow the pill without water, but that didn’t seem like a feasible plan. My luck I would choke on it. I had no choice but to ring the bell. I wasn’t sure what time it was, I couldn’t see the clock. I hoped I wasn’t waking Beth up.

  “Hey, sleepyhead.” Beth came in wiping her hands on a dish towel. “How ya doing?”

  She must have read the expression on my face.

  “Not so good, huh?” She glanced at the pill still on the nightstand. “Time for this?”

  “I’m thinking that would be a hell of a good idea. But it hurts to sit up.”

  “Do you have any straws?”

  I shook my head.

  “Want me to help you sit up?”

  “Yeah.”

  Beth sat on the edge of the bed and slipped an arm under my neck. I lifted my shoulders so she could get her arm around me better. It felt so good to be this close to her. I forgot my pain for a moment—almost.

  I couldn’t do much to help her. Engaging my abdominal muscles hurt like hell. She was much stronger than I thought and had little trouble getting me into somewhat of a sitting position. With her free hand, she got the pill and popped it into my mouth. Then she handed me the glass of water. The pill went down with no problem and I couldn’t wait for it to kick in.

  “Oh, Sam called after you were asleep last night to see how you were doing,” Beth said. “I hope you don’t mind that I answered your phone.”

  “Of course not.”

  “I gave him my number so if he calls again and you’re sleeping it won’t bother you,” Beth said. “This is cozy.”

  A little too cozy. I realized I was resting my head on her shoulder and her head was resting on mine. I sat up a bit more and was hit with a wave of pain and nausea. I gave myself a moment to assess whether I was in danger of throwing up. I decided I wasn’t.

  We stayed like that for several long minutes. I didn’t want the feelings it was stirring in me, and I was afraid it might be stirring the same feelings in Beth. I didn’t want to lead her on in any way. Even though I was more hopeful, my future was still not certain. I didn’t intend to end up in her arms only to leave them empty if I didn’t make it.

  “Want me to help you up or do you want to lie back down?” she asked.

  “I think I need to lie down until this pill kicks in.”

 
; She gently pulled the other pillow over, propped it behind me, and helped me back to a semi-lying position. “How about I make you breakfast? I can bring it in here if you can’t come out.”

  “I think I need to sleep a little more until some of this pain subsides.”

  “Of course.” She kissed me on the forehead, then left the room. My skin felt warm where her lips had been.

  I wasn’t sure how long I had slept, but my pain was much improved when I woke up. I tentatively sat up. Yep. Much better. I did everything in slow motion, swinging my legs off the bed, standing, walking to the living room.

  Beth was sitting on the couch with her laptop open. I could see she was on the internet and a page that said Pancreatic Cancer on top was visible. She closed the laptop as soon as she saw me.

  “How are you doing?” She stood and set the computer on the coffee table in front of her.

  “Better.”

  “Sit. I’ll make you something to eat.”

  I did as I was told. “I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, Beth.” I truly did.

  “Of course,” she said, like it was not a big deal, and disappeared into the kitchen.

  Beth stayed for four days, sleeping on my couch at night. The last night she was there, I got up to use the bathroom and snuck a peek at her while she slept. Her hair was a tangled mess. Bits of mascara in uneven smudges were visible under her closed eyes. With her mouth slightly open, her even breathing was just short of a snore. She was the most beautiful sight I had ever laid eyes on. My breath caught in my throat. I stood staring for several minutes before making my way back to bed. I fought to go back to sleep and erase the image of the sleeping beauty from my mind. I needed to distance myself from these feelings. There was still a big chance that I wouldn’t survive, and I didn’t want to make things harder for her if I didn’t. But it was getting harder and harder to convince myself that keeping her at a physical and emotional distance was the best idea.

  Beth