Wandering Queen (Lost Fae Book 1)

by May Dawson

  “Those twirly princess clothes can be your armor just as well,” he promised me. He followed me into my room and to my surprise, he actually began to flip through my gowns. He let out a scoff. “I think you need a wardrobe makeover, Majesty.”

  “I’ll have to ask my brother for an allowance,” I said. My voice was light, but the frustration I felt was real. “Or do I have bank accounts somewhere? Not that I’d remember my pin. How does that even work here, anyway?”

  “We’ll figure something out,” he promised.

  I never knew how seriously to take it when he sounded as if he were on my side. He pulled out a dark blue gown, heavily embroidered and beaded at the bottom to look like the night sky over a forest.

  “It’s pretty,” I said. While it was lovely, it seemed like a bit much for lunch.

  “It used to be a favorite of yours.” He looked at it as if it had memories for him, then put it back in the closet. He pulled out a sleeveless gray dress with a lace overlay. “Maybe this one. What do you think?”

  “Sure,” I said. “Clothes don’t matter much to me.”

  “You have changed.” He smiled, and I could’ve sworn there was real affection in the way his eyes crinkled at the edges. “I always wondered how it was you managed to wear boys’ clothes for almost a year.”

  This dress at least didn’t have a corset. Once I’d stepped into it, I pulled my hair up on top of my head, and he began to button it for me.

  “When was that? At that military academy?”

  “Yes.” The back of his fingers brushed against my bare skin over and over as he fastened the tiny pearl buttons, and I bit my lip at the touch.

  I’d felt so little for so long for any man, but Azrael’s slightest touch set my heart racing.

  “Tell me about what happened.”

  “Faer was supposed to go, but he didn’t want to. Females weren’t allowed at the academy at that time. So you took his place.”

  “I’m curious what that conversation looked like between me and Faer.”

  “I wonder as well. Of course, he adored you when the two of you were young. I’m not sure when that changed. Maybe you two were still on good terms.”

  Wistfulness twisted through me when I tried to imagine Faer and I being close. “Funny that I think he’s a total asshole, but imagining how we lost each other still hurts.”

  “I wish I had an answer for you.”

  “How did you and I meet?”

  “We were roommates.” He must be finished buttoning, because his hands dropped to my waist. His big hands seemed to span my waist, hot and individual, and my breath paused in my chest. Into my ear, he said softly, “You were a terrible roommate, by the way.”

  “Oh? I bet you were insufferable.” I could just imagine Azrael arranging his socks by color and complaining if I left a towel on the floor. He’d seemed so uptight in my apartment, although I’d treasure the memories of the three of them doing dishes and mopping.

  “I was,” he said, to my surprise. “But that was part of my job.”

  His hands fell away from my body. “Come on. Let’s go face…”

  He trailed off, and I knew he’d been about to call my brother something uncomplimentary, but he restrained himself.

  I wondered if he held himself back because he didn’t want to hurt me or because he didn’t trust me.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Azrael

  When we walked into Faer’s apartments, he greeted us with sparkling wine and equally bubbly conversation. But I couldn’t forget the way he’d stared at Alisa the night before with narrowed eyes and a grim twist to his lips.

  He hated her.

  “Sister of mine,” he said, slinging his arm over her shoulders. “How are the lessons going?”

  I never trusted him less than when he seemed happy.

  “Lovely,” she said. She didn’t pull away, but there were faint lines of tension around her eyes, even as she looped her arm around his waist. “What have you been up to today while I’ve been ducking Duncan’s blade?”

  “Trying to arrange some trade with the sea court even though we’ve offended them lately.” He squeezed her shoulders. She glanced at him quickly, and he added, “Oh, it’s fine. If Raile can’t take a bit of rejection, forget him. We’ll figure out another way.”

  Alisa twisted to give him the full weight of her skeptical expression. “You and he seemed pretty intent on sending me off on an underwater journey ASAP.”

  “It’s not as if you’ve ever been in love,” he said airily. “I thought it wouldn’t matter so much to you. But maybe this newly reinvented Alisa is more of a romantic.”

  She stared at him, and he added, “I approve. You be whatever Alisa you want to be.” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. She froze, but he didn’t seem to notice. He released her and added, “Okay, let’s eat.”

  “Is he drunk?” Alisa mouthed at me behind his back as he headed for the table, which was set up inside for once.

  I shook my head hastily. I’d never seen Faer drunk; he didn’t need to drink to give into his base impulses. Just like the old Alisa, he never let his control slip. He often acted as if he was drunk, to encourage the idiocy of the unobservant around him, but it was always one of his games.

  Faer intended some audience for this act; I wondered who it was.

  The five of us took seats around a round table. The table was heaped with a fancy seafood lunch. A chocolate tower bubbled in the center, just low enough to let us all look over at each other’s faces.

  Alisa skipped everything else and immediately speared a strawberry to dip into the chocolate. When she popped it into her mouth, she closed her eyes for a split-second.

  “I know how much you love chocolate.” Faer sounded pleased. “I’m glad that didn’t change.”

  “I need one of these for my room,” Alisa murmured.

  “Have you been eating in the knights’ quarters when we aren’t together?” Faer asked her.

  I hated the image of Alisa eating alone every day in her room, with the sun shining on the ocean beyond. Now she didn’t even have Nikia hovering around her.

  She chewed and swallowed slowly before she answered. “No, I’ve been dining in my quarters.”

  “I’m sure you’ve all been enjoying finer fare then you’re accustomed to in the knights’ hall then.” Faer glanced between the three of us.

  Fuck. Faer was reminding her she was alone. He surely already knew the answer to every question before he asked.

  Alisa said coolly, “It’d be inappropriate to have them in my quarters, Faer.”

  Faer’s eyes narrowed. Before he could speak again, as if she wanted to cover for his mistake, she added, “What court business do we have next week?”

  Faer raised his glass to his lips for a long sip. Then as he set the crystal goblet down, he said, “It’s all rather boring. Hopefully I can wrap up business with Raile this week, and there are appeals to hear. Next week is all council meetings and tax collections.”

  Alisa’s eyes sharpened on the word tax. If I could beam thoughts directly into her brain, I’d tell her not to pursue the tax payment situation, not now; she’d need to be in a stable position in this court before she challenged something that benefited the lower nobility.

  But she said lightly, “I’d hate to leave you bored on your own, Faer, but that sounds like the perfect time for me to take a trip.”

  “A trip?” He raised his eyebrows. “I worry about your safety, Alisa, but where is it that you want to go?”

  Don’t say the cursed caves, don’t say the cursed caves…

  “I’d like to see some of our kingdom,” she said. “It’s another gap in my knowledge.”

  “There are so many places I’d like to show you,” he said warmly. He launched into a long description of many beautiful places: the fountains of Eleid, the singing forest, the wild gardens in the north.

  Alisa ran her finger around the top of her glass. “That sounds lovely. I’ll need
a few things, of course: a more suitable horse, funds for a travel wardrobe.”

  “We’ll tell the bursar to inform the local shops to give you an open line of credit,” he said. “Anything you want, Alisa, I’m happy to buy you.”

  He took another sip then said, “You really should order new dresses. Your current wardrobe is a bit of a disgrace.”

  Alisa ignored that and said, “That’s kind of you, thank you, but I should be able to pay my own way.”

  “You don’t have a job,” he said with a smile. “You’re the princess of the summer court, of the high court. You never have to worry about money. Everything that belongs to the court, belongs to you.”

  She nodded. “All right.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Faer said, raising his gaze to the rest of us. “We’ve left you out of the conversation. Duncan, how are her lessons going?”

  Duncan stared at the prince long enough that I thought he might not answer. Worry sat heavily in my stomach whenever he and Tiron were around the prince. Diplomacy was not Duncan’s strength.

  “She’s an adequate pupil,” he said. “She almost put up a fight today.”

  “I’ve got such a warm and encouraging teacher.” Alisa attempted to clink her glass against his.

  Duncan looked at her as if she had spontaneously grown a set of horns and might try to gore him.

  “And Azrael? The etiquette lessons?” Faer’s pale eyes locked on mine. The pale silver of his irises almost faded at times, leaving his pupils like pin-points.

  “I’m still hopelessly unsuited for polite company,” Alisa said. “Luckily, I spend most of my time with the three of them.”

  Tiron smiled at her. “Aren’t we all lucky.”

  Yes, lucky was what I felt right now.

  “Once I’ve managed the intricacies of Fae social etiquette,” Alisa began, “I was thinking we could expand my curriculum a bit.”

  No, Alisa. No. Somehow I had a feeling she’d guessed that Faer had given me a very specific set of directions regarding what the princess could and couldn’t be taught. But I’d planned to teach her whatever was needed, and play dumb. Most soldiers develop a knack for that.

  “What were you thinking of?” Fae asked her over the glass of his wine before he took a sip.

  “A magic tutor,” Alisa said brightly, but the words seemed to hang in the air.

  “I can teach her anything she needs to know,” I said. Faer would want to control whatever she learned, and any tutor he assigned would likely be his spy.

  “Of course you can,” Faer said. “Yes, Alisa, whatever you like. That’s a great idea.”

  For a few minutes we ate in silence.

  “Oh, Alisa,” Faer said suddenly, as if something had just occurred to him. “I thought you might need a new maid. The head of staff told me today that Nikia’s mother had gotten sick and she needed to return home.”

  “Poor girl,” Alisa murmured.

  “I thought of the perfect company for you.” There was the faintest smile twitching at Faer’s lips, a smile that I didn’t like at all. He glanced up at me then. “Zora! What a treat for us all it would be to have her here at court!”

  My breath froze in my chest.

  Zora.

  My little sister.

  My hands curled into fists under the table, knotting around the napkin. “That would be a treat,” I said, my voice calm. “Zora is busy with her studies, though—and she’s about as surly as Duncan. I’m sure there are more pleasant ladies.”

  Alisa’s eyes widened. Then she said smoothly, “I don’t need a maid. I’m not used to it; it makes me uncomfortable after my time in the mortal world.”

  “Oh?” Faer asked. “You don’t need one? Then who laces your corsets, Alisa?”

  He raised his eyebrows. “It must be difficult for you. After all, you told me just a few minutes ago how you’d never invite these men into your rooms.”

  “I manage,” she said.

  He flashed her a bright smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I insist. Nothing but the best for my twin.”

  The rest of the meal went by quietly. Duncan sat stone-faced, but Tiron covered for him, chatting animatedly with Faer. Tiron had a knack for harmless, winning chit-chat. He’d make the perfect spy; he could talk to anyone and convince them that they were friends.

  As soon as we reached her apartment, Alisa grabbed my wrist and towed me toward the door. “You two as well.”

  I glanced down the hall, making sure we weren’t being seen, then followed her in.

  As soon as the door was closed behind us, Alisa spun to face us. “How do we protect your sister? I know that was a threat. Faer wants to make sure you two stay under his control.”

  Duncan snorted.

  “I understand you want to protect her,” Alisa snapped. “Tell me how to help.”

  “You’re very sweet,” Duncan deadpanned. He threw the door open so hard that it slammed into the wall.

  Alisa jumped at the bit of violence, and my fury re-focused on Duncan. It was tempting to punch him in the face when I was angry.

  Well, really, it was always tempting to punch Duncan in the face. He was always doing something to deserve it.

  “We’ll figure something out,” Tiron said.

  “You say that a lot,” she said. “So far the list seems to be growing, and not a lot is getting crossed off.”

  “You haven’t been in this world a week,” Tiron said.

  “Would you go look after Duncan?” I asked impatiently. I couldn’t tolerate Tiron’s signature brand of optimism at the moment.

  Alisa meant well, but she didn’t understand what Faer was capable of. An autumn court village rebelled against Faer a few years ago. Faer had kept the news from me until the damned hunting party came back.

  I’d found an excuse to escape and ride past a few weeks later. The men, women and children of that village still dangled against the walls of the keep, strung from different heights. Their bodies twisted in the breeze, slowly decaying as they bumped against the stone walls. One of Faer’s assholes had killed a kid’s cat and tied it into her arms.

  That was when I’d known that one day I’d kill him.

  It was too easy for me to imagine Zora blank-eyed too, swaying against that stone wall.

  “We’ll figure it out together,” Tiron said, right before he slipped out the door.

  “No we won’t,” I said. Zora wasn’t Alisa’s problem, and I didn’t want to owe her anything. “I’ll take care of it.”

  Alisa’s brows arched, her eyes flashing. “I’m trying to look out for you all.”

  “You can’t even look out for yourself, Princess.” I bowed my head to her. “Let’s have our lessons in the garden this afternoon. I’ll see you in an hour.”

  I headed for the door.

  She got there first, pressing her back against it. She looked up at me with those luminous eyes. “Don’t run away, Azrael.”

  I met her gaze evenly. “My family is in danger at the moment, Princess. I don’t have it in me to be nice right now. You’d be wise to give me that hour.”

  “I’m trying to help.”

  Since she’d trapped me, I trapped her too, bracing a hand to either side of her head. I leaned in close. She looked up at me, her breath stuttering in her chest.

  “You helped me once before, and I lost a kingdom,” I growled. “It was my sworn duty to protect the autumn court and every person in it. I failed them.”

  My voice came out husky when I said I failed them, no matter how little I wanted to display that vulnerability now. I couldn’t afford to be vulnerable.

  “She’s the last thing I have to protect,” I managed. “So you’ll excuse me, Princess, but I won’t gamble on you again. Not with her.”

  Her cheeks flushed, bright red as a slap. Knowing Alisa, she might have far preferred I hit her than insult her. Truly insult her, because this was different than the usual banter between us.

  She stepped aside from the door, sweeping h
er arm to indicate I should go.

  I waited in the garden for an hour, but she never came.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Azrael

  Seven years earlier

  I collapsed on the bed, groaning. The beating had shredded my flesh, and bitten into the muscle beneath. Alisa moved rapidly to the door and closed it, making sure it was really closed before she rushed to me. She collapsed to her knees beside the bed, her eyes wide.

  “It was a letter from the male whose place my friend took,” she whispered to me. “I had to protect her.”

  “And I had to protect you.”

  “No, you didn’t,” her voice came out hot. “I was ready to use my magic to conceal myself.”

  I scoffed. “As if your magic would hold under the lash.”

  “It would,” she said stoutly.

  I buried my head in my arm. “I can’t take your impudence on top of the pain. I’d prefer to be tortured in just one way, thank you.”

  “So dramatic.” She perched on the bed beside me. I heard a hiss under her breath as she took in just how bad the wounds were.

  Fae royalty could heal ourselves with relative ease, so Vail had beaten me far more fiercely than he would’ve beaten anyone else, I knew that. He’d had to make his impression in the moment. I’d left a trail of blood across the snow and down the hall, though I’d walked proudly back to the dorm, and only collapsed here in privacy.

  Her hands moved across my back, the soft glow of her magic sweeping over the deep cuts. “Lord, I think I see bone.”

  “That’s not a helpful thought,” I managed, because I didn’t want to visualize just how bad it was. The pain was so intense that my stomach roiled. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  But I didn’t have the energy to move. The worst of the pain began to fade, replaced by a terrible itching sensation as my wounds began to heal under her touch. I could heal myself, but I had a feeling that—no matter how glib she was—she needed to be the one to fix the damage.