Lindsay is still sobbing. “I’m so sorry Mr. Walsh.” I whip out my wallet, pay her and usher her down the hall, insisting all the way she didn’t do anything wrong. It’s true, it wasn’t her fault, but I needed her gone .
Before I go back inside, I have a lightning bolt of inspiration .
I’m sure I look like a madman on my hands and knees in the flower garden rubbing dirt all over a little green blanket. But I have to try. With the speed that had surprised me so much before, I shot back into the house and down the hallway .
“Look! It’s all better now !”
I kneel across from Maddie and hold out the dirty blanket with an overextended arm, staying back from her as far as possible. The lamp in her hand slowly lowers as she takes a long look at the offering. Then the lamp drops, it still breaks, but at least she didn’t throw it .
A step towards the blanket. Then another. Finally, she reaches out to take it. I wait for her approval, or for the storm to start again .
At last, she calmly speaks to me as she heads into the living room to watch TV .
“Thank you, Daddy .”
I go fully to the floor and look around at the chaos a tiny little girl managed to create .
And on a pile of pink porcelain and plastic shards, I cry .
Amy
A fter recruiting someone to unlace my gloves for me, I slug my sweaty, smelly and sexually frustrated self back to my apartment .
What made him leave like that? He probably got a text from some girl who… right then I catch myself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom. I stopped and stared at the makeup-less, disheveled and horrifying sight until I fall down a deep well of self-loathing .
There I was, squarely in the position I had avoided all my life, Rob seeing me at my worst. No wonder he got out of there so quickly. Suddenly I have a terrifying thought and take a long whiff under my armpit .
“Oh no !”
I bet the text was from a girl. It had to be. Why else would he just run out in the middle of a lesson? I remember the mightaswellbeasupermodel he was dating when I graduated high school. He was with her for a long time. I thought Marcy said they broke up, but maybe he met someone else or …
Sadness transforms to full on grief when I notice how the workout clothes hid none of my physical flaws. My thighs and hips stare back at me unrelentingly. Finally, I can’t bear to look in the mirror anymore, actually, I can’t bear the fact the mirror even exists. So… I defend myself against the wicked mirror .
“Agh!” POW! CRASH !
I crumple to the floor and on a pile of shiny glass shards and I cry .
Rob
A ll the blood leaves my face and I have no choice but to sit down. I almost drop my cell phone .
“Lindsay, please, I know it isn’t easy, but Maddie is used to you and you know how important consistency is - “
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Walsh. I just can’t, my parents don’t think it’s healthy for me to - “
“Okay, okay, Linds I understand. Thanks for everything .”
I hang up before a proper goodbye. I shouldn’t have done that, but I was… I was lost. How am I going to tell Maddie Lindsay wasn’t coming back? Who am I going to get to look after her ?
A knock on the door pulls me out of my self-pity, and when it opens before I get there, I know it’s Marcy. The only person who just lets themselves into the house. The moment she sees my face she knows something’s up .
“What happened ?”
She immediately looks in the direction of Maddie’s room .
“No, it’s fine. She’s fine. Come outside .”
When we reach her car, I lean against it and rub my face, “Lindsay quit .”
“What! Why ?!”
“Why do you think, Marce?” I don’t mean to sound annoyed, but she’s my sister and if I can unload on anyone it’s her .
“Okay, okay. What’re you gonna do ?”
“I don’t know .”
Marce leans against the car next to me. “I wish I could, but you know how GM is always sending me - “
“Yeah, I know, it’s okay. I’ll find somebody .”
Then she leaps off the side of the car and starts doing the bouncy thing she does when she’s proud of something she just thought of .
“Oh! Aim really needs something right now, so bad. She was even worried about paying her bills and I bet she’ll help out . “
“Aim couldn’t handle this .”
“Yes, she could !”
“Please. You know her, she’s like a- a- puff ball. You gotta have thick skin .”
Marcy stops bouncing and is almost too quiet. Finally, I look up at her. As cool as a cucumber she crosses her arms. “You have no idea what kind of skin she has. Do you ?”
I swallow hard. And try not to think about Amy’s skin .
Amy
“T here is something about Rob I haven’t told you .”
I wish Marce had picked a better moment to say that, like when I wasn’t eating shrimp cocktail, preferably. Horseradish doesn’t feel good in your sinuses .
“Ack!”
“You okay ?!”
“Yeah, I just choked a little. What did you say ?”
“Um, about Rob, um ...”
I sat still and waited. I was the queen of “Ums” but Marcy never uttered that sound unless she was about to say something heavy. Two “ums”? This was going to be a doozy .
“Remember Sonya ?”
That was it! Mightaswellbeasupermodel’s name was Sonya! I guess I had blocked it from my memory .
“Yeah, I think so. The girl Rob was with for a while ?”
“Um, yeah …”
Another “um”. I wanted to shake her and make her spit it out, but we were in public and I assumed the other patrons of this café wouldn’t appreciate witnessing a minor assault .
“Well, um, I never said anything to you about it because I know how you feel about Rob .”
“How I feel ?”
“Don’t play dumb, it’s me remember? I know you Aim, and I know how you feel about Rob .”
I don’t bother arguing, she was right, Marce might even know me better than I know myself. It’s silly that I thought I was ever fooling her at all. “Yeah, okay .”
“Okay, well, um, I never said anything, but he and Sonya had a baby girl five years ago . “
Thank God I’m horseradish free this time. “W- What ?!”
“Yeah. And well, the hard thing is we haven’t heard from her in a few years, since Maddison was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum… and, um, so it’s been pretty hard on Rob since he has full custody and running the club… that’s why he had to quit fighting and…um, yeah …”
“Oh my gosh, Marce .”
“Yeah, it’s hard. But the reason I’m telling you all this right now is, um, since you guys have been getting to know each other again, um, I mentioned you needed a job. Just till something else comes through, and you are a really patient person, I mean no one is sweeter than you, Aim .”
“What are you saying ?”
“I think Rob has a job for you. And I think you’re gonna be great at it .”
I shove another shrimp into my face .
Holy. Shit .
Rob
“H ello Maddison!”
Amy smiles her huge smile and gives my lady a little wave. I’m extremely grateful Aim seems to know to keep a wide berth between herself and Maddison. Marce obviously gave her a crash course on the spectrum .
Maddie’s lack of a response doesn’t fade her smile, “I’m so glad to meet you! My name is Amy .”
“I know .”
“I like your blanket .”
“Don’t wash it .”
“Oh, I won’t. It would lose its charm.” Amy laughs at her own response. Maddie doesn’t join, she just holds her icy stare .
I wait for Aim to give me that “what the fuck?” look most people do, but instead she almost seems excited when she glanced over at me. I
feel bad for silently wondering how long it would take for the positivity to fade. I mean, it had to at some point, right? I clear my throat and make one last attempt at praying for a good day .
“All right…well, Maddie, I have to go, but please remember to do whatever Amy asks and…uh, try to have fun, okay ?”
“Bye.”
Maddison doesn’t look at me during her farewell, and I know it’s because she’s still trying to figure out whether she approves of the new face in our kitchen .
“Bye-bye.” As I turn to go, I give Aim a look that means to please follow me to the door. Before heading out I whisper one last apologetic reminder. “Call me if you have any trouble at all. The first day will probably be hard . “
“Oh, we’ll be fine! Don’t worry .”
And the way she says it almost convinces me it’s true .
Almost.
Every call I get that day sends a cold lightning bolt to my guts. But time after time, it’s just a club vendor, or solicitor, or friend. Marce even checks in once. But all was quiet from the home front .
I last most of the day, but a few hours after lunch I break down and tell my secretary to please take messages for me and I make the tense drive back home. A deep inhale steadies my nerves, but I still hold my breath as I turned the knob. I prepare myself for broken glass, tears,yelling …
I’m prepared for pretty much anything .
Amy
W hen I look into her eyes it’s almost as if a tiny Rob is looking back at me. But that insecure and unstable feeling I get when I look at him is absent in me now. Replaced by a different sort of intense eagerness to connect. It may not be in the same way as with your typical five-year-old, but I knew I could do it .
“How do you feel about blanket forts ?”
The little eyes don’t blink, but I can see them pondering, so I continue, “I love them. I used to make them all the time when I was your age. My favorite thing about them is they aren’t just fun to play in, they can be a quiet place to go when you want time to think .”
I opened the linen closet and pull out everything I can reach as I kept talking, “Because adults can’t really climb so great, so if you make the very back room of the fort tiny, then it’s all yours. Like…a nest !”
“Like a bird nest ?”
“Exactly! A little bird nest that is just yours .”
Without a word, she takes off to her bedroom. I curbed my instinct to follow. I tell myself if she doesn’t want to interact that’s okay. But by the time I haul all the blankets and sheets into the living room Maddie’s there, the comforter from her bed hanging out of her little arms .
“So, what shall we call our fort Maddie ?”
“It’s not a fort, forts are for boys. This will be our blanket palace .”
“Well, Princess Maddison, what shall we call our palace ?”
“Bird’s Nest Palace, I think .”
“Bird’s Nest Palace, the home of the grand Princess Maddie – lady of the land!” I make myself laugh again, and although she doesn’t join in, her response is better than any typical reaction a “regular” kid could offer .
Very calmly and matter-of-factly she corrects me, “And her friend, Princess Amy .”
Rob
W ith my breath held firmly in my lungs, I open the front door. I exhale in a woosh. It isn’t relief as much as confusion. At some point my living room had transformed into a… laundromat? Everywhere I look there were hanging linens, clothes and blankets .
I almost announce myself when I hear the giggling coming from within the maze, one laugh I have heard all my life, bubbly Amy loved to have fun. But the other… the other I almost never got to hear .
I had to sit and listen. “Okay guess what this one is ?”
I see flashes of light coming from the cracks in the sheets and I realize the giggles are reactions to shadow puppets. I try not to hate myself for never showing Maddie a shadow puppet before .
Her tiny voice is thoughtful, “A dog ?”
“Nope, guess again .”
“A… um, oh… a bird. I can see the wings !”
“Yep! Bird’s Nest Palace has to have birds !”
“How do you do the wings ?”
“Here, let me see your hands .”
I almost have a heart attack, shouting my reaction before I can even think, “NO !”
Both girls let out a little scream and Amy throws the door of the tent open. “Oh, Rob! Are you okay ?”
‘Are you okay?’ was the question I was about to ask, but seeing Maddie’s face only worried about me and not the person who just asked to touch her hands makes me pull my shit together. “Oh, yeah, so sorry gals – I stubbed my toe .”
Amy struggles a bit to pull herself out of the fort and falls into me as she tries to find her feet. “Oh, sorry! So sorry, I know the place is a wreck, I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. I was going to have it cleaned up .”
Maddie’s voice is full of concern, “Cleaned up ?”
I know that tone and rectify her worry right away, “No, no we don’t have to take it down. You can keep it up as long as you want .”
Amy laughs with relief, “I remembered how much fun I used to have with these .”
“Yeah, yeah, me too, ah, I guess I just forgot about them .”
The truth is sometimes I forget that although Maddie is different than most kids, in so many ways she is still the same. I’m grateful to Aim for reminding me .
Amy grabs her purse and phone as she gives me updates. “There is a casserole in the oven, it should be done in about an hour. Oh, and I know it looks strange, but it should taste good, but if you guys don’t like it no worries at all, I won’t make it again. Should I be here the same time tomorrow ?”
“Oh, I’m sure it’s great. Yeah, tomorrow same time if that’s okay ?”
“Sure! See you tomorrow, princess !”
“Bye.”
As I see Aim out the door, I start to whisper my customary question of ‘how was it?’, but the way she’s beaming stops me. I guess… it was… good .
After I close the door, I maneuver past the blanket fort and into the kitchen. Still in a daze, happy things seemed to go well, but imagining how it may have played out if I hadn’t come home early. Imagining Maddie having an episode over Aim touching her hands. The scene I play out in my head is cut short when I look at the casserole sitting in the oven under amber lights .
It’s green .
The color Maddison found most comforting. One of the few color foods she would eat. The entire thing... is green .
I open the door to look closer. I can make out chicken and noodles and cheese and other things that aren’t usually green. How did she do that? Then it dawns on me that dinner won’t be a negotiation, that I won’t have to beg her to eat foods that weren’t comforting shades, but were healthy for her. And right there in the kitchen I get choked up .
But I man up and tell myself to stop getting emotional over a casserole when I hear little footsteps coming across the tile. I rub my eyes to make sure they aren’t watery before I turn around, “I really like your fort, hon .”
“It’s not a fort, it’s a palace. And you can visit anytime, but you aren’t allowed to come in the nest room at the back. You are too big anyway .”
I was stunned, but happy to grant her request, “Okay, sure hon. I won’t .”
“Okay.” Then she turns to head back into her palace of blankets, but not before giving her final word on the new babysitter situation. “Amy smells good. I like her .”
“Oh, great !”
What I wanted to say was I know how you feel .
Amy
A s I pull into Rob’s driveway on my second day of babysitting, I realize I had been in a trance through the entire drive. Replaying the triumphs of the previous day in my head. Wondering if Rob took one look at the green food color experiment in the oven and gotten ill. Wondering if Maddie was looking forward to seeing me again .
I’m not even out of the car yet before my last question is answered – a little body is flying down the walkway and waving .
“Hey, princess !”
“Hello. I slept in my nest last night .”
I get out and dig in my trunk while she watches, “Oh fun! I brought a few blankets from my house in case you wanted to add a few rooms to -”
When I turn around Rob is right behind me. I manage to say hi while I slam into him, “Oh, hey !”
“Hey, Aim. You look extra beautiful today.”, without asking he takes the pile of blankets out of my arms. I know my response to this should be ‘thank you’, but instead I laugh and automatically argue .
“Oh, no I didn’t even - “
“You do.” The almost stern way he cuts me off is oddly flattering. This time I answer the way I should have in the first place .
“Oh, thanks .”
Then he tucks the pile of blankets that had filled both my arms under one of his and turns to Maddie. “Can you give us just a minute, hon? We’ll be right there .”
She thinks about it for a moment before she thoughtfully says, “Okay.” When she’s out of earshot Rob starts… well… gushing .
“I don’t know how you made that thing last night but it was brilliant – I’ve never seen her eat so much and she loves the blanket fort, er, palace – I should have thought of that before, and I was thinking maybe if I made the position a salary type thing you wouldn’t mind staying on longer, and maybe when the school year starts we could incorporate home-school stuff in – and it’s okay if that’s not something you’re interested in, but I thought maybe we could go to lunch tomorrow and discuss it. Marcy said she could come by and watch Maddie if that’s something you wanted to do ?”
I blink and try to process everything he just said. All I heard was ‘go to lunch’. Rob wants me to go to lunch .
His Christmas Baby: A Friends to Lovers Romance Page 32
