It was sensory overload, here. Children everywhere, shouting in delight. Lights flashed, rides spun around. It was the oldest amusement park in Melbourne, that continued to delight every generation. I remembered coming here as a child, and being spellbound. Although I had been sick after one very intense ride .
That wouldn’t be happening today, however. Only the carousel and the milder rides for a bunch of five-year-old girls. We made our way to the function room, where party food had already been laid out. Several of Lilah’s friends were already here, rushing to her with their presents. She looked a little overwhelmed, but very excited .
The society mother’s all had their phones out, trying to take the best snap of their child to upload to their pages so everyone would tell them what a gorgeous child they had. I stopped, momentarily. When had I got so cynical ?
“Did you have a pleasant trip?” I turned to Michael and Jennifer. They looked tired, but happy .
“Not bad,” said Michael. “We always fly business, of course. Lots more leg room, and we can stretch out and sleep. It certainly is a long flight .”
“Yes,” agreed Jennifer, smiling. “I remember Erin commenting on it, when you two were courting, Finn! About how she would have to get used to permanent jetlag, she was flying over to Australia so often!” She stopped, biting her lip. She looked at Amber .
“I’m sorry, my dear,” she said to her. “You must excuse me. It hasn’t been that long.” She dabbed at her eyes. Michael put his arm around her .
“Of course,” Amber smiled. “I understand completely. She was your daughter, after all. I am so very sorry for your loss. I loved Erin, she was an amazing woman.” Michael and Jennifer both smiled at her, looking as if they were starting to relax .
“Lilah! We’re here !”
Here we go, I thought. My parents had arrived, carrying the biggest present. It was so ostentatious, it eclipsed all the other presents that had been put into a corner of the room .
Why did they always have to show off? Why was it always about material things, with them? I knew they loved Lilah, of course. But they barely spent any time with her, the weekend in Portsea notwithstanding. It was always about what they could buy for her .
And then I looked at Amber, chatting away with the Morgan’s, so open and warm. Where did she fit into this world of mine ?
I watched my mother approaching them all, her huge social smile plastered to her face. She nodded to Amber, then started chatting immediately to Jennifer, leading her away. Amber looked a little crestfallen. I felt anger surge through me .
I had always thought that my parents were decent and fair people, that they weren’t snobbish about our extreme wealth. I thought that they gave everyone a fair go, whether they were wealthy or not. It seemed I was wrong .
My parents thought that Amber wasn’t good enough for me. The thought lodged in my brain, they had accepted Erin because she had come from a wealthy family. It wasn’t because they thought her kind, or charming, or intelligent. No, it all came down to how many zeros there were in the old bank accounts .
Protectiveness flooded through me, as I stared at Amber. No one treated her badly. No one. She turned around, then, as if she felt my eyes on her. We gazed at each other for a second, before she turned away. A little sadly, I thought .
How had I fucked things up so badly ?
* * *
G ood old Bryce had arrived, dragging a girl behind him. Mandy. I looked again. No, it wasn’t Mandy. It was just someone who looked a lot like her .
“Finn, meet Skye,” he said. Skye smiled, a bit vacantly .
“Buddy, you have to stop doing this,” I said to him, after Skye wondered off. “These girls of yours. Do you have some assembly line somewhere, that I don’t know about? Because they all look the same .”
Bryce grinned. “I just have a certain type, that’s all .”
“What happened to Mandy ?”
Bryce shrugged. “Started talking about moving in together. I had to let her go. Trying to cramp my style .”
I shook my head, ruefully. Would Bryce ever change ?
“It’s alright for you,” Bryce said. “You had Erin. And now you’ve got Amber. I would probably let go of some of my bachelor freedom if I snagged a girl like that. She has class .”
“She does, doesn’t she?” I stared at Amber, again .
“Buddy, you are one lucky guy,” continued Bryce. “She is warm, and what a brain! Very smart. You can have a real conversation with her. Not to mention she’s a babe .”
“Hands off,” I growled, punching him on the arm. He laughed .
“I’m not making a play for her. I’m just saying, I could change my tune for a chick like that.” He paused. “She’s a keeper .”
My father approached us, and Bryce started chatting with him. I tuned out .
“Finn?”
I turned. It was Jennifer. I smiled, but inside all the walls were going up. Would she start on again about taking Lilah ?
“I just wanted to tell you,” she said. “Amber is a lovely girl. She has done wonders with Lilah, Finn. We are so happy for the both of you. I know that Erin would be happy, too. She would want what’s best for you and Lilah.” Tears glimmered in her eyes. “You have our blessing .”
I felt a lump form in my throat. “Excuse me for a minute, Jennifer,” I said .
I had to leave the room, running out into the park. All around me colours swirled, and people were screaming on the rides, in fear and delight. Lights were flashing. I sat down on a bench, trying to catch my breath .
Erin. It had suddenly hit me .
I cried, remembering my beautiful wife. I had been running from it, for so long. Trying to dodge the grief, as if I could keep one step ahead of it. Just keep working, I had told myself. But I recognised it now for what it had been .
Denial.
I thought of all the years we had spent together. I thought of our wedding day on the Whitsunday Islands in Queensland. The day that Lilah had been born. Buying our home together. A million and one other memories all clamouring into my brain, jostling for prominence .
I wept, soft and low. I didn’t care that I was in public. And then, I suddenly stopped. It was okay. She would be a part of me, forever. But she was gone .
I turned around, ready to go back in. Re-join the party. And the first thing I did when I entered that room was seek her out. Ah, there she was .
Amber.
Amber
I took the elevator to the thirteenth floor, as instructed .
What was this about? Finn had called me from his office, that morning. He said that he needed to talk to me, and could I come to the office after I had dropped Lilah at kindergarten. It was mystifying .
It had been a week since Lilah’s birthday party at Luna Park, and I had barely seen Finn since. I knew he was busy at work; it was tax time, one of the busiest times of the year in the finance sector. He was also preparing for a business trip to Sydney. But still. It was unusual, to say the least, for me to go to his office. I had never been requested to, before .
This was all getting so hard. Playing the part of the loving fiancée at Lilah’s birthday party had almost undid me .
I had chatted and smiled and laughed, all on cue. I had answered a million and one questions about Finn and me. And the whole time, I could see him watching me. Assessing me: was I performing well enough? Would his parents, and Erin’s parents, accept me ?
He had obviously decided, once and for all, that there was nothing personal between us. He had taken my virginity, and run a mile. I tried very hard not to feel hurt. I knew that I was in love with him. But it was impossible .
How could I continue to pretend to be the fiancée of a man I was actually in love with? It was like a paradox, or a puzzle. One with no answer, or an answer so complex you just couldn’t decipher it .
I remembered the feel of him, and how he had made me fall into a puddle of desire at his feet. Even now, I grew warm thinking of it. B
ut he obviously didn’t feel the same way about me. I had been a challenge, nothing more .
I took a deep breath, and knocked on the door .
“Come in,” I heard him call out. I opened the door .
He was behind his desk, frowning into his computer. He looked up, and stopped what he was doing .
“Amber,” he said .
“Yes?” My voice came out a bit wobbly. “You wanted to see me ?”
He stood up, gesturing for me to take a seat .
“I needed to tell you,” he said. “I have to fly to Sydney, tonight. The trip’s been put ahead .”
“Right,” I said. “Why couldn’t you have told me that on the phone ?”
He looked at me. I could see his eyes slowly looking me up and down, and then that familiar glow came into them. I knew he found me sexy .
But not sexy enough, obviously .
“I wanted to see you,” he said. “Before I left.” He stopped, then continued. “Amber, this is difficult for me .”
“How so?” I wasn’t about to make it any easier .
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” he said. “The way that I behaved, after Portsea…well, it wasn’t good enough. You deserve more .”
“I deserve more, do I?” I looked at him, not smiling. “In what way ?”
“You are making this difficult,” he said .
I stood up. “Really? Well how about I make it simple, then.” I walked towards the door, anger coursing through me. “I’ll leave .”
He was up like a shot, striding toward me. He grabbed my arm, closing the door I had just opened. I looked up at him. He was breathing heavily, frowning .
And then he was kissing me. It was crazy. He grabbed me to him, pushing me up against his desk, leaning me over it. Papers and pens fell onto the floor, but we were both oblivious to it .
He pulled my legs apart, making me wind them around him. He trailed kisses down my neck. I arched my back towards him, which made him clutch me tighter. Pools of desire were coursing through me. I could feel the sudden wetness spill out of me. I wanted him so badly I could barely think straight .
He feverishly ripped my panties off, hitching my skirt up. And then, he was inside me. Thrusting and straining, grinding my butt into the desk .
It felt so good, like he was made to be inside me. I arched my hips up into him, making him thrust harder, and deeper. I could feel myself building, slowly, slowly. His breathing was ragged, and I could feel the rhythm increasing. I could tell that it wouldn’t be much longer for him .
And then, it happened. He started moaning, and I could feel the contractions enveloping me. It was so exquisite I cried out, making soft groans. We rode out the final spasms together, both collapsing onto the desk, his head on my chest .
The afterglow was intense. I closed my eyes, trying to return my breathing to normal. He moved off me, straightening his clothes. I sat up, pulling my skirt down .
What now ?
“That was amazing,” he breathed .
“Was it?” I didn’t know what came over me. Maybe a desire to wound, before I would be wounded. Reject him, before he rejected me .
“Amber, what’s wrong?” He frowned, reaching for my hand. I stepped back .
“Well, nothing at all!” I found my panties, putting them on quickly. I pointed to the papers and pens on the floor. “You should pick up all of that stuff, Finn. Your secretary might walk in and surprise you .”
I ran a hand through my hair. My heart was thumping, uncomfortably .
“Have a great trip,” I said, picking up my handbag and walking to the door .
“Wait.” He looked at me, as if he couldn’t believe what I was doing. “You’re leaving? Like this ?”
“Like what, Finn?” I looked at him, my eyebrows raised. “Like a fake fiancée should? Or someone you occasionally have sex with? Or as the nanny? I just can’t keep it straight in my own head, all the different roles you want me to play.” I smiled, widely. “See you when you get back .”
I slammed the door on his stunned face, running to the stairs. I would rather run down thirteen flights of stairs than have him follow me to the elevator. The tears came as I ran, blinding me .
Stupid, stupid, stupid .
How had I made the same mistake, again? It was like my body had a will of its own, around him. Like I couldn’t control it. How many times must I learn the lesson ?
He wasn’t interested in having a real relationship with me. He just wanted a woman who would pretend to be his fiancée, and who would also have sex with him now and again. Oh, and take care of his child. It was as simple as that .
But I just couldn’t do it, anymore. It was hurting too much. He would never love me. And I realised now that I couldn’t accept anything else. Better to be alone, than only have a part of him. Better to be on my own, than continue this charade a second longer .
I never knew love could hurt so badly .
Finn
I ran after her but she was gone. She mustn’t have waited for the elevator .
She had decided to run down thirteen flights of stairs, instead. She really didn’t want me to follow her. I leaned against the wall near the elevator, trying to think. What should I do? I could pursue her, but the timing was all wrong. I really did have to catch that flight to Sydney; a car was due to pick me up in half an hour, to take me to the airport. Not only that, but I was travelling with some other work colleagues, Bryce included. I simply couldn’t get out of it .
I walked slowly back to my office. Paper and stationery were strewn on the floor; I really hadn’t cared, when I had wiped the desk clean, so that I could make love to her on it .
I still tingled at the thought. It had been amazing. Amber was so sexy. I wondered how I had managed to keep my hands off her these past few weeks. We had a sexual connection that was real .
But she wanted more. Was I capable of giving it to her? Or was I a broken, cynical man, destined to spend the rest of my life having affairs, but never committing to anyone? My life a shrine to my dead wife .
Erin wouldn’t want that. She would want me to find love, again. I would get this trip out of the way, then I would sit down with Amber .
I didn’t want to lose her. I knew that .
* * *
I t was dark when the car pulled up at the house in Toorak, the next night .
It had been a whirlwind business trip; a dinner with some potential investors, then the day spent negotiating. Meetings all over Sydney. I was beat, but I knew that I had to find the energy to talk to Amber. I had to lay my cards on the table, with her .
I walked into the house. All the lights were off. I flicked some on, frowning. It was only eight thirty at night. Amber would usually be awake, although Lilah would be in bed .
Lilah. I should go and see her, give her a kiss. It was my habit. I was rarely home in time to say goodnight to her, but I always gave her a goodnight kiss while she slept. I opened her bedroom door. The night light wasn’t on. And there was no Lilah in her bed .
I felt a wave of panic wash over me. Had she become ill, and Amber had taken her to the hospital? Why wasn’t she in bed? I ran through the house, checking my phone as I went. No, there weren’t any missed calls or texts from Amber .
I knocked quickly on Amber’s bedroom door, then opened it. She wasn’t here. The bedroom was neat, the bed still made. I walked quickly around it. Then I opened her wardrobe, a sixth sense telling me what to expect .
All her clothes were gone. And so was her suitcase. I ran back through the house, running from room to room as if the answer might suddenly emerge .
And there it was. An envelope, propped up on a vase on the kitchen table. It had my name on it. I ripped it open, scanning it quickly .
Dear Finn ,
I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore .
I know that we signed a contract. I’m willing to lose the sum that you promised me. It’s just become so difficult. I can’t pretend that there is nothing going on betw
een us anymore, and I can’t be a sexual diversion for you while you work out what is going on in your life .
Lilah is safe. I brought her to your parents, saying that I had a family emergency .
I’m returning to the States. My flight leaves tonight. I need to go home, and think through what I want to do with my life .
Again, I’m sorry. But it’s the way it must be .
Amber.
I crumpled the note in my hand. Jesus, what was she doing? I didn’t think. I grabbed my keys, running back through the house .
She hadn’t said when her flight was leaving. It would take me roughly half an hour to get to the airport. It was kind of surreal; I had only just come from there .
I didn’t think as I drove. I just knew that I had to get to her. Before it was too late .
* * *
I manoeuvred the car into the short-term parking bay, running to get to Departures. I scanned the flights board. There were two flights, leaving for the States that night. One was bound for New York. The other was San Francisco. That would be the one she would be getting on .
I had time, the gates hadn’t closed, yet. But it would be dependent on whether she had gone through Customs already, or if she was still checking in. I got the name of the airline, running to the check in kiosks .
There were people milling around everywhere, of course. My heart was in my mouth as I scanned the crowd. Was it too late? Had she already gone through Customs ?
And then, I saw her .
She was wearing an old pair of jeans and a yellow sweater, her chestnut hair in a high pony tail. She was sitting in a chair, staring at the ground. I could see her boarding pass in her hand .
My heart leapt. There she was .
Amber
I sat in the chair, thinking through what I was about to do .
I had acted so impulsively, I still couldn’t believe that I was here. About to leave Australia and my life here behind. I had been so upset after leaving Finn in his office that day, but I still didn’t have an idea of what I was going to do. I was very confused. Then, I had done what I always did when I was upset and feeling confused. I called Cara .
His Christmas Baby: A Friends to Lovers Romance Page 45
