Jackal's Dance

by Beverley Harper

  She was looking down, speaking quietly. ‘He doesn’t know. He’ll be furious.’ She did not look up at him.

  He wanted her in his arms, to hold her. Instead, Sean eased her away. ‘Look at me, Thea.’

  She did so. Reluctantly.

  ‘You have to tell him.’

  Thea bit her lip. ‘It’s the last thing he wants right now.’

  Sean felt a rush of anger towards the lodge manager. He’d always assumed, as had the others, that Billy’s cold and distant personality was something reserved for other employees, not his wife. But here was Thea in a terrible state over something about which she should have been happy and excited. ‘Are you sure he’ll be angry, Thea? A lot of men say they don’t want children but, faced with the prospect, they invariably do an about-face.’

  ‘Billy . . . he’s . . . it’s not that he doesn’t want them.’

  I’ll bet it isn’t. With his wife pregnant he might have to get off his backside and actually do something.

  ‘It’s just that . . . well, the way it’s happened. He’s had no say in it, no control. You know Billy.’

  Yeah! Control freak. Has to be in charge. Sean’s hands dropped to his sides. ‘You didn’t get pregnant on your own, you know.’

  A tiny smile touched her lips.

  ‘That’s better.’ His voice held no trace of the deep and bitter disappointment he suddenly felt. ‘You can’t keep it hidden from him, Thea. He has to be told.’

  She looked up at him, apprehension clear on her face. ‘I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. I just needed to . . .’

  ‘I understand,’ Sean said gently.

  ‘You’re right. Of course I must tell him. It’ll be okay, I’m sure it will.’ She gave a little self-conscious laugh. ‘Thanks for listening.’

  With a final look towards the generator, Thea turned and walked away.

  He watched her go, realising once she was out of sight that his fists were clenched. From the moment Billy and Thea arrived, Sean had been aware that he’d met the woman he always dreamed of loving. There had been girlfriends, a couple of serious relationships, but never such a physical and emotional pull towards any of them as was instantly felt with Thea. He tried to keep his distance but, with so few of them living at the lodge, it had not been easy. Thea, with no inkling of Sean’s feelings for her, often sought out his company.

  Today, when he put his hands on her arms, was the first time he’d ever touched her. Sean could still feel the electric tingle of her skin under his fingers. It had taken every ounce of willpower not to fold her into him, kiss her hair, smooth away the worried frown. But he knew if he ever got that close he’d never want to let go. She was someone else’s wife and while he, more than once, had entertained the fantasy that Thea and Billy would, might, please-God-let-it-happen divorce, allowing him to declare his true feelings, now she was pregnant and tied that much closer to her bloody bone-idle husband.

  Sean had too much honour in him to try and come between a man and his wife, irrespective of how happy or unhappy that union might have been, or the depth of his own desires. From what he had observed of Thea and Billy’s marriage, love appeared a decidedly one-sided thing. Thea only spoke well of Billy and was always quick to his defence if she sensed anything accusing from the others. Billy, on the other hand, openly criticised Thea, hardly ever acknowledged her hard work, never showed affection and, with a few drinks inside, could lose his temper completely and call her every hurtful name under the sun. Thea never complained. She simply doubled her efforts to please him.

  The generator missed a beat, bringing Sean back to the present. After adjusting the recalcitrant idle speed setting, he gave the machine a pat, sighed and walked over to his modified Land Rover where it was waiting in the workshop to have a broken spring replaced. Billy had told him to help the vet. Well, Billy could go to hell. He wouldn’t be much help if his vehicle didn’t work. The rangers, including Caitlin, were each responsible for maintaining their allocated game-viewing vehicle. Today’s task was not hard but it had to be done.

  Thea headed slowly back to the administration office to find Billy. Sean was right. She had to tell her husband that they were expecting a baby. She’d missed three periods and, in the last couple of weeks, her nipples often tingled, had changed colour and become noticeably tender. Thea knew the signs. There were early morning bouts of nausea as well which, so far, she’d managed to hide from Billy. What eluded her was confidence.

  Where, at what point, had their relationship changed? The evening they met Thea remembered with poignant clarity. She’d been in Windhoek, staying with friends of her parents. Part of an African holiday which had taken her around South Africa and was due to continue through Botswana, Zimbabwe, Malawi and Kenya before returning to London. Her hosts introduced a few people of her own age and thanks to one of them Thea had been invited to a party. She could still see Billy as he came into the room: tall and slim, deep-set flashing dark eyes, a high-bridged almost hooked nose, dark hair. He was dressed completely in black, which served to accentuate his brooding appearance. Looking across the room he’d locked eyes with her. She had turned away, embarrassed by the flare of interest on his face. The next thing she knew, he was standing by her side.

  ‘Hi. I’m Billy and you are the most interesting girl in the room. Where did you spring from, who are you and will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?’

  Thea had never met anyone quite like him. She had always been attracted to boys her mother described as drawing-room types – clean-cut, dependable and totally conventional. Billy’s hair was shaggy, his tight black jeans held up by a wide leather belt which sported a large death’s-head brass buckle. She noticed a serpent tattooed on one forearm. Thea hated tattoos. And as for men wearing an ear stud, Billy’s was a dangling crucifix.

  Everything about Billy went against her well-established preferences. His eyes smouldered, he laughed too loudly, stood too close and would not take no for an answer. In the end she accepted his dinner invitation because, she told herself, it would be interesting. But, cautious as ever, Thea was sufficiently prudent to find out more about Billy from the girl who’d invited her to the party.

  ‘He’s okay. Keeps himself to himself. Don’t lose your heart. Girls don’t last with him.’

  Thus armed, Thea told herself it would be fine. She was leaving Namibia in ten days. What could possibly happen in such a short time?

  An awful lot, as it turned out. Despite initial impressions and against her better judgment, she was at first curious, then impressed, and finally completely bowled over by Billy. Sensitivity, intelligence, humour and consideration, traits she hadn’t expected, were paraded past her like trooping of the colours. He even cleaned up his scruffy, showy appearance with a haircut and some conventional clothes. What clinched it was when he took her to Etosha and showed her Africa’s finest. Three incredible days. By the time they returned to Windhoek, Billy had secured the job of manager at Logans Island, won Thea’s heart and found a place in her bed. Even so, she congratulated herself on keeping a cool head. Thea left Namibia to continue her travels, firmly convinced that Billy was a holiday romance, a beautiful and uplifting experience that could never be sustained or repeated.

  Billy was waiting for her in London. They married and returned to Namibia just shy of three months after meeting. Back at Etosha, Thea felt like pinching herself in case such incredible happiness turned out to be a dream. Life was perfect.

  Then she discovered a few facts about her husband that his whirlwind courtship had hidden from view. He was moody. He preferred his own company to anyone else’s, including hers. He was never wrong. And in her heart, Thea had to acknowledge that Billy was often selfish, arrogant and lazy. The terrible truth dawned within weeks. Although Thea put on a brave face, she realised that she was looking for excuses. She tried convincing herself that her husband was simply taking time to readjust. After three months, Thea had to face reality. Billy didn’t love her. In fact,
the more she thought about it, the more convinced she became that Billy had wanted a wife and dispassionately chosen the most suitable candidate – her.

  She thought back to their initial visit to Etosha. It had been Billy’s idea to stay at Logans Island. Bumping into the Director of Nature Conservation had been accidental. Or had it? Billy left Thea to her own devices for half a day to spend time with the man. On his return he told her that he’d been offered the job of lodge manager.

  ‘Talk about being in the right place at the right time,’ he’d enthused. ‘The manager they have now is leaving and they were about to advertise. It was meant to be.’

  Later that evening they were joined by the Director. Thea had thought he was just being polite.

  ‘I understand you’ve just completed a hospitality course. What area specifically interests you?’

  And a little later. ‘What would you do, Thea, to improve the dining room?’ And he’d listened intently while she was speaking theoretically.

  As they said goodnight to him, he’d turned to Thea. ‘Isolation gets to a lot of people but not you I think. That’s good.’

  ‘What did he mean?’ Thea asked Billy as they made their way to the bungalow.

  ‘It was a compliment. Just his way of saying that you have maturity.’ Billy kissed her passionately. ‘And I think so too. Let’s go to bed and be very grown up.’

  Thea giggled and quickly forgot the probing conversation.

  But now? Had Billy implied that he was getting married in order to secure the job? Had he married her because the position required a couple?

  Thea thought back to the last time she’d tried to talk to Billy about anything other than work. It had been last month when the realisation dawned that she was very probably pregnant. They were in their cottage, getting ready for bed. Billy took a shower, a sure sign he had sex on his mind. Thea waited for the usual ‘Are you going to have one too?’ before broaching the subject of their relationship, specifically their sexual relationship.

  ‘I don’t feel like a shower. I’d rather talk.’

  Billy paused, not getting into bed. ‘What about?’ His voice was suddenly wary.

  Thea looked at him. He was wearing boxer shorts and nothing else. Her fingers ached to caress his bronzed skin. She craved the feel of his lips on hers. She shut her mind to these things. ‘You don’t make love to me any more.’

  He looked genuinely surprised. ‘We made love two nights ago.’

  Thea shook her head. ‘We had sex, Billy.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ His dark eyes narrowed and she knew he was angry.

  ‘You never say that you love me. You don’t touch me any more. You don’t care if it’s been good for me or not. In fact, you hardly ever speak to me at all.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

  ‘Well, do you love me?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Then tell me.’

  His eyes slid away. ‘You know I do. I don’t have to say it.’

  ‘Billy,’ she implored. ‘Is it really so difficult to say?’

  He looked back. ‘What is it with women? Okay, I love you. Satisfied?’ He’d changed his mind about getting into bed and gone to sit on their verandah.

  Thea pulled on her robe and joined him. ‘Billy, what is it? What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing.’ It came out tight with anger.

  She’d sat next to him and placed a hand on his arm. Billy jerked away. ‘Darling, talk to me.’

  ‘There’s nothing to say. You’re imagining things. I’m just tired. This job is pretty exhausting.’

  Thea let that one go. She didn’t want an argument about work. ‘I’m not imagining anything. You used to be affectionate, encouraging. Now all you do is criticise. I can’t remember the last time you kissed me. You’re shutting me out, Billy. What have I done wrong?’

  He rose and looked down at her. ‘This is crazy. Are you coming to bed or not?’

  Thea got angry. ‘Why? So you can relieve your sexual tension, then roll off and go to sleep? Forget it, Billy. I want a bit more than that. No more wham, bam, thank you ma’am.’ She stood as well. ‘It’s up to you, Billy. ‘Thea swept back inside, blinking back tears and trying to swallow the raw ache of pain in her throat.

  Billy followed. ‘What the hell’s got into you?’ The words were angry but Thea saw guilt on his face.

  ‘You don’t love me. You never did.’

  ‘Of course I do,’ he shouted. ‘I married you, didn’t I?’

  The tears spilled over. Thea desperately wanted him to take her in his arms and kiss away the hurt. Instead, he pulled on his clothes.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  ‘Out. The bar, if you must know.’

  The door banged behind him. Thea had no idea what time he returned. She’d dropped into an exhausted sleep some time after two in the morning. When she woke at dawn, Billy was beside her. He reeked of stale beer. They never referred to the argument again. After a couple of nights of halfhearted attempts by Billy to at least arouse his wife, their sex life hit the skids.

  Thea reached the administration building. Taking a deep breath, she walked straight into Billy’s office. ‘The generator’s going again.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, not looking up.

  ‘Billy, there’s something we need to discuss.’

  ‘Not now. I’m busy.’

  ‘You’re always busy.’

  He glanced past her to the clock on the wall. ‘Look, the plane gets here in twenty minutes. Shouldn’t you be checking that Gayle Gaynor’s bungalow is ready?’

  Thea was about to argue, but she changed her mind and left the office.

  Chester Erasmus, who was backwashing the temperamental pool filter, saw Thea leave Billy’s office and make her way towards bungalow seven, the newest and most luxurious of the guest suites. She walked with a distinct slouch, as though weighed down by a burden that wouldn’t go away. No doubt it had something to do with her husband. Chester did not like Billy. Never had. The man was an arrogant bully. But his dislike of the manager went deeper than that.

  Chester was a Herero tribesman of the semi-nomadic Himba people. He came from that sparsely populated northern area of Namibia known as Kaokoland. The Himbas, mainly cattle herders, regarded as deeply rural by other black tribes, were considered suitable for nothing other than the most menial tasks by the majority of white employers. On learning of Chester’s Himba background, Billy was no exception.

  ‘Can you read?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Write?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Wonders will never cease.’

  That was it. Categorised, with no opportunity to speak further, Chester, as a result, avoided Billy as much as possible. If the man wanted to write him off, so be it. No doubt, he’d find out sooner or later that Chester had actually received an excellent education. He passed his matriculation with flying colours, was fluent in Herero, Afrikaans, German and English, with a smattering of Portuguese thrown in, and held a journalism degree from Windhoek Academy, the only higher education institute in Namibia offering degree-level courses. Billy did check the staff files, but perhaps out of embarrassment or, more likely, from a deep-rooted prejudice, he never apologised and rarely ever acknowledged the black ranger. In fact, Billy went out of his way to treat Chester as one of the ground staff, relaying orders he had no right to give through an embarrassed Thea.

  Chester couldn’t understand what had attracted Thea to her hatchet-faced husband. That she loved him was in no doubt – she clearly worshipped the ground he walked on. But no matter what, Billy always found something to criticise or be sarcastic about.

  Thea disappeared inside a bungalow and Chester’s thoughts shifted from the Abbott pair. As he did regularly, Chester was weighing up the pros and cons of a career move.

  Chester Erasmus clung to a lifelong dream which, at the age now of thirty-one, seemed as far away as it did when he entered the Academy to study journalism some thirte
en years ago. He knew that if he didn’t make a move soon he’d be too old. Maybe he already was. Chances were that no-one would take on a cadet of his age. He had no contacts he could call on, no friends in the business. Contemplating how best to pursue his intended career, Chester was well aware that he was considered one of the lucky ones. Not many of his tribe earned a good salary. Those who did manage to leave the barren mountains of Kaokoland with its sand dunes, rock-strewn plains and withered vegetation were invariably unskilled and illiterate. If they found work at all it was to perform badly paid domestic or labouring tasks which left them no better off than if they’d stayed at home.

  A string of incredible coincidences meant that Chester and his family had been spared the hardships most Himba endured. It was all because of one man, Helmut Weiderman, a wealthy businessman from Windhoek who had taken his wife, young son and mother-in-law camping in the wilds of Kaokoland. Helmut was, at least until that trip, an armchair camper. He had all the gear: a long wheel base Land Rover specially fitted out and equipped for desert conditions; a tool kit that was the envy of many a motor mechanic; state-of-the-art camping equipment; and more maps than he could ever need. The only thing lacking was experience. Oh, and a radio. But who’d have thought he’d ever need one? Helmut’s enthusiasm, and that of his family, more than made up for any little oversight. Or so they thought.

  Instead of starting slowly and learning as he went, Helmut dived head-first into a trip that would have caused even the old hands to think twice. He had a workshop manual, watched television programs and listened to others. Kaokoland promised once-in-a-lifetime adventure. That the area was declared off-limits to tourists did not deter Helmut one iota. Once in, he was unlikely to be discovered. That there were no marked roads, just a few dusty tracks, no water, no fuel, in fact no modern infrastructure whatsoever, fazed Helmut not at all. He was self-sufficient.

  The family set off in high spirits. They carried sixty litres of fresh water, the long-range fuel tanks were full to the brim with extra fuel in jerry cans, two spare wheels, replacement parts which left nothing to chance, enough food to feed an army and a medical kit which could cope with most mishaps. Helmut was prepared. What could possibly go wrong?