Defied: A Dark Reverse Harem Romance (The Devil's Syndicate Book 2)

by Sarah Bailey

  I indicated with my head we should probably go talk away from him. We extracted ourselves from his grasp and I tugged a blanket over him before stroking his hair. I wished I could do more for him. Wished I could make this all go away so he no longer had to feel all this conflict and pain.

  I walked over to the bathroom and opened the door. Ash came over and followed me in, I pushed it to so we wouldn’t disturb him.

  “Did he tell you anything else about Julian’s condition?” I asked in a low voice.

  “No, but he told me about his mum and Katie… what Julian did to them. Why he’s in prison.”

  I let out a breath. What happened to Erin and Katie was horrific. There wasn’t a day which went by where I wished Xav had never seen them in that state. When he explained it to me, I may have thrown up. I was surprised how well Ash was holding it together, but then again, she was the daughter of Frank Russo a man known for beating men to death with brass knuckles.

  “Yeah… he really wasn’t okay for a long time after that. We both ended up staying with Quinn permanently as he couldn’t go back to the flat and I was staying with Xav and his family after mine kicked me out two years before. I knew Julian very well. The whole thing was really fucked up. It took a huge toll on Xav when it went to trial and he had to testify. I think it was a relief when Julian got sent down for life, but Xav still feels responsible for him even after all these years.”

  She rubbed her face and walked over to the sink, turning on the tap and splashing water over it. Leaning over it, she took a steadying breath.

  “Ash…”

  “I need a minute. I just… need a minute.”

  She looked like she might topple over. So I didn’t think, I walked over and wrapped my arms around her from behind. She shuddered before leaning back against me.

  “The way he explained it… I can’t imagine… He was so upset. I never thought I’d see him so… broken.”

  “He’ll be okay, I promise. Xav is strong as fuck.”

  I saw her smile a little in the mirror.

  “Does this mean you’ll start talking to him again?”

  I stiffened. Honestly, I missed him so much and now I couldn’t say a word about my own feelings. Xav had been through enough without it. He needed me. I could put my shit aside for him. I always had.

  “Yeah… I will.”

  “He misses you more than you know.”

  “Did he tell you that?”

  She nodded.

  “He said he doesn’t function properly without you… The light in his eyes is gone. He thinks I don’t notice, but I do. I notice everything.”

  Her words made my chest ache. Had I really not seen it? Was Rory right? Was Xav as attached to me as I was to him? Could he really not live without me?

  “I miss him too.”

  She let out a sigh and gave me a sad smile in the mirror.

  “We should really go sit with him in case he wakes up.”

  I didn’t want to let go of her. Hell, having her in my arms felt so fucking right.

  “You’re right.”

  Except neither of us moved. She ran her hands along my arms, making me shiver. Then she turned in my embrace and stared up at me. There was something in her eyes I couldn’t read. Her pupils had dilated and there was an intensity to her expression which made my heart stop.

  What does she want?

  “Eric, I need to explain something about my arrangement with Xav and Quinn… I want—”

  “Angel? E?” came a voice from my bedroom.

  Ash and I sprang apart as if we’d been caught doing something we shouldn’t.

  “We’re here,” she called, her face a little flushed before she hurried out of the bathroom.

  I stayed in there for a moment longer wondering what the hell she’d been about to say to me. What about her arrangement with Xav and Quinn? I shook myself. Now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. Now I had to look after my best friend because he needed me. So I walked out of the bathroom but not without wishing Ash and I hadn’t been interrupted before she could finish her train of thought. Something about the way she’d been looking at me told me it was of importance. Something which would change everything. And every part of me was intrigued but dreading the ending of her sentence.

  You want what, Ash? What do you want?

  Chapter 28

  I could have kicked myself for what just happened. There I was having a moment with Eric when I should have been with Xav. And I’d almost told him how I felt. Almost. But now was not the right time to be thinking of my own selfish needs and desires. Now was the time for being there for someone I cared deeply about. Someone I was beginning to fall irrevocably in love with.

  I didn’t know how it was possible for me to be in love with Quinn yet have such similar feelings towards Xav. Questioning it seemed stupid after my conversation with Eric last night. The rulebook was out the window. I just had to accept the inevitable. I could be in love with two men… and perhaps eventually… four.

  I climbed back onto Eric’s bed and stroked Xav’s cheek. He looked so lost as he stared up at me with those piercing blue eyes of his, almost stealing my breath.

  “Where did you go?”

  “I was just talking to Eric, but I’m here, I promised I wouldn’t leave.”

  “I need you, angel.”

  My heart fractured a little at the anguish in his voice. His hands grasped me, pulling me closer.

  “I’m here.”

  “No… need inside you. Now.”

  “Xav, we’re in Eric’s room.”

  “Don’t care,” he mumbled as he kissed me.

  That’s when I heard movement behind us. I pushed against Xav’s chest not wanting to make this whole situation awkward.

  “Tesoro, please,” I whispered. “Not here… let’s not make things worse between you and him.”

  Next thing I knew, he’d thrown off the blanket Eric had covered him with, jumped off the bed and picked me up. My eyes met Eric’s as Xav carried me from the room caveman style. He looked startled and unsure of himself. I wanted to reach out to him but by the time a sentence had formed in my throat, we were outside his room and I could no longer see him.

  “Xav… please put me down.”

  I knew what he was doing. Avoiding his feelings. Avoiding talking to Eric about their fight. Avoiding telling us what was really going on with Julian.

  He stopped in the middle of the hallway halfway between Eric’s bedroom and his. Then he put me down, his expression unreadable. I went up on my tiptoes and cupped his face, wanting him to know I’d give him what he needed if he just told me one simple thing.

  “Is Julian’s cancer treatable?”

  He was silent for a long moment, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

  “Yes.”

  “Will you let me tell Eric that? He’s worried about you.”

  He looked pained.

  “I promise if you talk to us about this then you can take me to bed and fuck me any way you want. Just please do this for me, Xav. Please.”

  He nodded and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. I took his hand and led him back to Eric’s room. He was sat on the end of his bed but he looked up when he spied us in the doorway.

  “Julian has prostate cancer. He said he’s having surgery and maybe radiotherapy to treat it. His chances of survival are good as they caught it early.”

  His voice came out all monotone but at least he’d said it.

  “He wants me to visit him, E. How can I visit him after what he did? How?”

  And those words came out laced with pain.

  Eric stood and walked over. He placed his hands on Xav’s shoulders. They were almost evenly matched in height.

  “You do not have to see him, Xavi. You don’t owe him anything. Not a single damn thing. Do you hear me? Nothing. He may be sick but he doesn’t have the right to force you to see him. You put him where he belongs, remember that. Yo
u don’t owe that pathetic excuse for a man your time or your energy.”

  Xav dropped my hand and pulled Eric against him.

  “Thank you.”

  “Always.”

  “I can’t do this without you. I just can’t. Please stop being pissed at me. Please forgive me for whatever I did wrong. Whatever it is I can’t see. I’m sorry, E. I’m so fucking sorry. Please stop punishing me.”

  I couldn’t see Xav’s expression but I could see Eric’s. I could see everything. The agony, the heartache, but most of all, the love. His love for his best friend.

  I took a step back, the force of what I was witnessing slamming into my chest and knocking the wind out of me.

  Eric loves Xav. He loves him.

  He wasn’t angry with Xav for being with me, he was heartbroken. And that, in turn, broke my heart too.

  Eric’s eyes widened when he took me in. He knew that I knew. It was written all over my face as I couldn’t school my features. He rapidly shook his head, trying to stop me from saying a word. I put a hand over my mouth, holding back everything threatening to spill out.

  “It’s okay, Xavi, I’m right here. I promise. I won’t disappear on you again.”

  The words echoed around my skull. Eric didn’t want Xav to know how he felt. Didn’t want him to see the truth. The truth which was staring both of us in the face.

  Xav’s shoulders sagged in relief. He pulled back and turned to me. The sadness in his eyes had lessened a little. I dropped my hand from my mouth and attempted to give him a reassuring look. Eric, on the other hand, looked panicked as if I was about to reveal his biggest secret.

  “Okay?” I asked.

  Xav nodded and reached for me. I let him hold me and felt him breathe me in.

  “I need to talk to Eric quickly, tesoro. Will you wait for me in your room?”

  I knew my priority should be Xav but I couldn’t be with him whilst my mind whirled with what I’d just discovered.

  Xav pulled back, kissed my forehead and nodded.

  “Don’t be too long, angel.”

  I squeezed his hand before he ambled off. As soon as he was safely behind his bedroom door, I turned back to Eric.

  “How long?”

  His green eyes were full of agony and it hurt me to look at him. If he loved Xav so much then he’d never feel that way about me. Never.

  “Most of our lives.”

  “Why haven’t you told him?”

  He shifted on his feet and looked away.

  “I don’t want to lose him.”

  Fear did funny things to humans. It made you hold back everything, especially your heart.

  “You won’t.”

  His lips curved up into a sad smile.

  “Why would I tell him when he has you?”

  I flinched. Secrets always came out in the end and they hurt worse than anything else.

  The truth hurts, but love is worse. Love can destroy everything.

  Never before was I more aware of that fact until now.

  “He still needs you.”

  “You have no idea, do you… no idea what him choosing to be with you means.”

  I frowned at the cryptic nature of his words.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  He shook his head and closed his eyes, breathing in before he let it out in a whoosh.

  “Xav’s in love with you.”

  “No, he isn’t.”

  My response was a knee jerk reaction. I couldn’t believe it until I heard it from his own mouth.

  “You think I don’t recognise the signs in my own best friend? He’s never looked at anyone the way he does you. I want you to make him happy, Ash. That’s all I want. What I need doesn’t matter.”

  And to think I’d been so close to telling him how I felt. How could I now? He didn’t like me in that way. He couldn’t.

  But you felt the way he touched you. You saw the way he looked at you. You know he wants you. He wants you too.

  I didn’t know any longer. All of it seemed like one big mistake on my part. Reading into things that weren’t there. The pain shot through my chest. I’d projected my own feelings on him. Saw what I wanted to see.

  Don’t lie to yourself. You have to trust your instincts. You know Eric likes you back. You know it deep in your fucking soul.

  I shook myself and turned away, unable to look him in the eye any longer.

  “Ash…”

  “What?” I ground out through gritted teeth.

  “What were you going to say before we were interrupted in the bathroom?”

  I flinched. No way in hell was I telling him now. I couldn’t face the rejection I would surely receive.

  Stop it. Tell him. Tell him the truth or you’re just as bad as him with Xav. Stop being a coward.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Ash…”

  His voice sounded pained and it stabbed at my heart further.

  “Just leave it, okay? I need to be with Xav.”

  I walked away, my heart fracturing with every step. Why had I been such an idiot to believe they could all feel the same way about me? I should be grateful to have Quinn and Xav. To be upset about Eric was selfish. So damn selfish. And yet I didn’t feel complete. I felt a hollow and empty space where he should be. Just like the emptiness I had at the lack of Rory’s affection. His touch.

  You’re a mess. A fucked up mess.

  As I reached Xav’s door, I looked back and the sight of Eric’s confusion made it worse. I swallowed hard. I couldn’t do this. I was breaking apart on the inside. How could I be there for Xav when I couldn’t keep my own shit together?

  So I dropped my hand from the handle and I ran. I ran towards the stairs and took them two by two. My heart raced out of control, ringing in my ears.

  “Ash!”

  That was Eric’s voice but I couldn’t stop. I had to get away from them. I almost tripped down the bottom step but managed to right myself by holding onto the bannister. Stumbling down the hallway, I sought out the one place I ever found any solace in this house. I fumbled with the door handle and wrenched it open. Then I couldn’t hold myself up any longer. Choking breaths escaped my lungs. Today was too much. All of it.

  Viktor. Julian. Xav. Eric.

  Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. So selfish.

  I collapsed in a heap on the floor, my nails scraping along the tiles in an effort to claw myself out of the hole I’d found myself in. My world fell apart and took me with it.

  “Little star?”

  Chapter 29

  I looked up the moment I heard the door open, wondering who wanted to disturb my peace and quiet. My self-control hung by a thread and I was desperately trying to re-centre myself. So when I stood up and saw Ash, my hands clenched. Then she collapsed on the floor, scrabbling at the tiles as if she was drowning.

  What the fuck?

  I walked over to her slowly.

  “Little star?”

  I didn’t want to spook her, but she couldn’t be here. Not whilst I was in this state. Yet she looked as distraught as I felt inside.

  “I can’t,” she choked. “I can’t. I can’t breathe.”

  I put my fist to my mouth, trying not to let my own fucking emotions consume me. Why did she come here? Why did she come to me?

  “I’ll get Quinn for you.”

  “No. I can’t see them… I can’t breathe, I can’t. Make it stop. Please make it stop. I’m drowning. I can’t.”

  Her fingers dug into the tiles, her chest heaving with each word.

  Fuck. Christ, what the fuck do I do?

  “Ror… please. Please make it stop.”

  Seeing her like this made me snap. Every cage I’d built around that awful part of me fell to pieces. I was done. Fucking done.

  Striding over to the door, I shut it and then squatted by her side, leaning down until my mouth was close to her ear.

  “Get a hold of yours
elf. You are not drowning. You are not falling apart. So. Get. Up.”

  The sound of my voice was rough to my own ears. It was more than just a command, it was an order. Ash’s body went very still. Her scrabbling stopped. Her choked gasps ceased. It was as if I flipped a switch inside her too.

  “What did I just tell you? Get the fuck up.”

  Slowly, but surely she pushed herself up onto her hands and knees. I stood and waited for her to obey. When she got to her feet, her eyes were cast down to the floor as if she knew instinctively she wasn’t allowed to look at me.

  “You are going to sit down in that chair over there and keep your eyes on the floor.”

  She obeyed immediately, walking over to my seating area and sitting in the chair I’d indicated. Her eyes fixed on the floor, her hands folded in her lap. I stalked over and sat in the other chair, trying to keep some semblance of control but knowing I had none left.

  “Now, calmly tell me why you came in here and disturbed my peace and quiet. No hysterics. No, I can’t breathe. Just an explanation.”

  Ash sucked in air before she expelled a long breath.

  “Julian has cancer. Xav broke down and told me why Julian is in prison. Eric came home and we comforted him. I almost told Eric that my arrangement with Quinn and Xav isn’t the whole story. I almost told him I want him too. That really, I want all four of you and Xav and Quinn are okay with it. Xav and Eric made up. Eric is in love with Xav. I feel like an idiot. A selfish idiot who wants more than she deserves. I should be upstairs with Xav right now and instead, I’m here falling to pieces over my own stupidity.”

  It felt like she’d told me in bullet points what was going through her head. Maybe it was her way of coping with everything going on. She’d just unloaded a whole load of diverging shit she was dealing with and I barely knew where to start.

  “Is Xav okay?”

  “No… I don’t think so. He needs me. Me. And what the fuck am I doing?”

  “Little star, focus.”

  She needed to stop blaming herself. Everyone had a breaking point and it was clear she’d reached hers.

  “Sorry… he’s not okay, he’s distraught and it hurt to see him like that.”