“Then I met you. Your belief in all those things I had ceased to think even existed began to penetrate the hardness of my heart. The closer you and I became, the more conflicted I felt. I didn’t believe I had anything of value to offer you, certainly not the kind of love you’d shown yourself to be capable of.
“After Denver died, I knew I had to send you away quickly, or I wouldn’t do it at all. You deserved someone who could love you without reserve, someone whose life wasn’t riddled with poor choices and emotional baggage. So I made arrangements for our divorce and left the country with the thought that I was doing the best thing for both of us.
“Being in Yemen wasn’t a vacation from my problems. It’s where I was forced to meet them head on. I’ve heard people talk about having an epiphany, but I never understood what that meant until it happened to me. It took being in a place where tragedy is a way of life for me to learn that each day, each moment, is a precious gift. A gift that I’d been guilty of wasting because I was focused on trying to fix the past and alter the future. It wasn’t pleasant finding out I’d been so wrong about so many things, and that in my ignorance, I hadn’t just hurt myself, but those around me.”
Stratton felt the start of tears, and tried to blink them away. “One of those people I hurt was you. The way I treated you after Denver passed wasn’t just wrong, it was cruel and unfeeling. I repaid your kindness and devotion to him with the worst kind of indifference. I stomped all over the trust that had sprung up between us, and I destroyed a friendship that had come to mean more to me than anything.
“There’s no excuse I can offer, no mitigating circumstance I can cite to make my behavior acceptable. All I can do is apologize and tell you how sorry I am that it happened. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I hope one day you can forgive me.”
* * * * *
Leah’s emotions had swung back and forth like a pendulum during Stratton’s discourse. She found herself trying to reconcile his explanation with her own interpretation of his actions. Hearing about his struggle to come to grips with his grief and acknowledge the mistakes he’d made in regard to her was not unlike reaching the end of a mystery novel where all the secrets are finally revealed.
There was both consolation and a sense of irony in finding out that he’d wanted to keep her in his life. He hadn’t actually said he loved her, but it was implied that he had strong feelings for her. If she’d known that before, wild horses couldn’t have dragged her away. But she hadn’t known. She’d worked through her feelings for Stratton and buried the sting of his rejection. Along the way, she’d found Neil, someone who loved and supported her.
In that respect, there was no going back. The events of the past year couldn’t be undone. But the catalyst for them could be dealt with. She and Stratton could come to terms about what happened.
“You don’t have to wait for one day. I forgive you. You don’t have to carry that burden any longer.”
She wasn’t left in any doubt about what her words meant to him. Tears spilled out of his eyes and ran unchecked down his face. He swallowed several times, his throat working awkwardly as he tried to speak. The rawness of his emotions and the suffering etched in the lines on his face spoke of a depth of pain she couldn’t deny.
He wiped his face on his sleeve and drew in a slow, shuddering breath. “Before this moment, I thought never having the chance to apologize to you would be the hardest thing to live with. Now I know that not getting your forgiveness would have been worse.”
“I’ve had to ask forgiveness enough to know I’m not in a position to refuse someone else.”
Stratton’s smile was shaky. “Your sense of justice and logic is as strong as ever.”
“You know how I dislike inconsistency.”
“Yes, I do. Your sincerity and dedication were things I could always count on. There’s no one else I’d want by my side in a crisis.”
His words gave rise to the tears she’d tried not to shed. Part of her wanted to tell him not to say anything else. Dealing with what he’d revealed already was going to be challenging enough.
“I’m glad to know I helped in some way.”
“I couldn’t have made it without you, Leah.”
Again she felt a stirring of sentiments she’d thought were gone. Neil’s words floated through her mind. You’re afraid of yourself and what might happen if you’re around him. Could she believe Neil’s interpretation of her actions knowing he wasn’t unbiased? He had a stake in the outcome of this situation.
“Yes, you could. You would have found a way.”
“Thankfully, I didn’t have to. What brought you to St. Marys?”
She smiled faintly. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”
“We can’t clear the air if you don’t tell me.”
Leah leaned back and crossed her arms as if physical distance would protect her emotions from being affected by him. “You weren’t the only one running away. Your decision to go to Yemen cut me to the quick. It made a mockery of what we shared together, and convinced me, as nothing else could have, that our friendship was a myth. I had simply been a means to an end. That idea was reinforced when Esther told me about the alimony.
“I knew then that I couldn’t work with you at Hutchison Clinic, and as time passed, I wondered if I could even stay in Myrtle Beach. I don’t know if you remember meeting Holly Evans, but she’s a friend of my family. She and her husband live here. When she found out I was looking for a job, she told me about the opening at her son’s school. It seemed like the perfect solution to my problems.”
“So you’ve been here almost a year.”
“That’s right.”
He stared down at his hands. “The alimony is another thing I regret. It was my way of giving you the opportunity to travel to places like Ireland. But I can see how it must have looked to you.”
“I wish I’d known your intent. Not that I would have taken the money, but I wouldn’t have been so hurt and angry.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “I totally blew everything with you. It’s a miracle you’re speaking to me at all.”
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to that.”
“You can agree. A man likes to be agreed with every now and then.”
She laughed slightly. “Are you planning to stay in St. Marys?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“On you.”
“Me?” Leah asked in surprise.
“It only makes sense. You were here first. If you’d prefer I go somewhere else, I’ll do that. St. Marys isn’t the only town that needs orthopedic surgeons.”
He was willing to leave so she wouldn’t be uncomfortable. How many ex-husbands would do that? “There’s no reason we can’t both live here,” she said slowly.
“You don’t sound very sure about it.”
That’s because she wasn’t sure. Thanks to Neil and his theory about her not being over Stratton, she was questioning everything. “I have to get used to the idea.”
“I guess that means it’s too soon to ask if we can be friends again.”
Her restless fingers rose to play with her necklace. “I don’t know. I have more than myself to consider. I’m seeing someone.”
He nodded. “I understand. I don’t want to cause problems between you and your boyfriend. We’ll just stick to being casual acquaintances. The kind that nod at each other when they pass on the street.” He rose to his feet and waited for her to do the same. “I won’t keep you any longer. I’ve taken up enough of your time.”
She followed him to the door with mixed feelings. Knowing the reasons behind his actions toward her should be enough to close the door on his reappearance, but matters involving the heart seldom work out that easily. His being in town had already changed the dynamic between her and Neil. When Stratton turned to her and held out his hand, her body tensed in anticipation of contact with him, further proof that things were far from normal.
“Tha
nks for hearing me out, Leah, and being so candid with me in return.”
“You’re welcome,” she said, wishing he would let go of her hand so she could breathe.
After he was gone, she stood without moving, her ears listening for the opening and closing of the truck door and the rumble of the engine, loud at first and then slowly fading away. It was the same sequence of sounds she and Denver listened for every day. It was a toss-up as to which of them had been more depressed when Stratton left in the morning or more excited when he came home in the evenings. Leah had lived for those moments when the illusion of being his wife had been so strong.
The fact that she could recall those reactions so vividly didn’t make her very confident going forward. Was it possible for her and Stratton to be casual acquaintances? Or was the truth closer to what Neil had suggested? That she had swept her feelings for Stratton under the rug, safe in the knowledge that he would never be around to challenge them.
* * * * *
Carrie Underwood singing her latest hit single wasn’t enough to drown out Leah’s voice telling Stratton that she was involved with someone. The effect was similar to the time Sullivan kicked him in the stomach when they were practicing Kung Fu moves. The exception being that in this instance the pain would be of much longer duration.
The possibility of Leah having a boyfriend was something he’d considered, but had hoped not to face. There was no doubt this was a serious setback to his plans. It wasn’t ethical to move in on another guy’s territory. It didn’t matter that Stratton and Leah had been married. There were things you didn’t do no matter how badly you wanted to, or how much you stood to lose if you didn’t. He wasn’t going to add ruining Leah’s chance at happiness to the list of ways he’d hurt her.
Chapter Twenty-One
Holly burst through the door of Twice as Nice, a look of excitement on her pretty face. “You’ll never guess who I saw at Subway.”
Leah looked down from her position on a ladder. “Was it Neil? The guys from his station eat there at least once a week.”
“No, it wasn’t him, but you’re on the right track.”
That could only mean one thing. She returned her attention to the shelf she was dusting. “Was it Stratton?”
“Yes. I couldn’t believe he remembered me. I only met him once.”
“He’s got a good memory for names and faces. It comes in handy when you’re a doctor. What did he have to say?”
“Just the usual stuff. He asked about my family, and I asked him how he likes living in St. Marys. There was another man with him. He told me they’d just finished a round of golf.”
He hadn’t asked about her. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. “It’s a nice day for golf.”
Holly walked toward her office. “You can finish the dusting later. Come eat your sandwich while it’s still decently warm.”
“I’ll be there in a sec. I’ve only got one more shelf.”
Once they were seated on opposite sides of the desk in the office, Holly said, “It’s strange that you and Stratton both ended up here.”
Leah cut her meatball sub in half and wrapped up the part she planned to take home for dinner. “Tell me about it. It just goes to show the futility of running from something. Eventually whatever you were running from catches you.”
“I know it’s not an ideal situation, but you don’t feel like you need to run from Stratton anymore, do you?”
“Neil seems to think so. He’s convinced I still have feelings for Stratton, and that’s why I can’t fully commit to him.”
“That’s a convenient theory, but is there any truth to it?”
Leah took a drink of her soda. “A few weeks ago, I would have said no. Now I’m not so sure. Talking to Stratton about what happened and hearing his side of things gave me a lot to think about. I understand why he acted as he did. It wasn’t out of indifference or malice. And it wasn’t because he didn’t care about me. In his own weird way, he was protecting me.”
“I’m glad you two finally got closure on an event that’s been hanging over you for a long time. If it’s causing you to reconsider your feelings for Stratton, then Neil could be right.”
“I don’t know what to think right now other than feeling really bad for Neil. He’s caught in the middle of this.”
“If you still love Stratton, Neil’s going to be hurt no matter how this plays out. I’m no mind-reader, but the fact that you can’t definitively state that you don’t love Stratton tells me that you probably do. Maybe you’re afraid to admit it because it will mean disappointing Neil and possibly opening yourself up to being hurt by Stratton again.”
Leah shook her head. “I always thought love triangles were silly. I never imagined I’d find myself in one.”
“You have all the tools to get out. Ask yourself this: if Neil wasn’t in the picture, would you have any hesitation in letting Stratton back in your life? The answer to that question will tell you where your heart is.”
“Stratton only talked about being friends. He may not be looking for anything else.”
Holly laughed. “I seriously doubt his only intent in re-entering your life was to be friends. He offered to leave St. Marys and stated that he doesn’t want to come between you and Neil. Those things are the actions of a man in love; a man who’s putting your happiness before his own. As long as you’re with Neil, Stratton’s hands are tied. All he can do is hope for something to happen on your end.”
“This all sounds great, but we’re only speculating. We don’t actually know how Stratton feels about me.”
“He’s operating in the dark, too. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know you’re having doubts. If he did, he might feel a little more inclined to press his advantage.”
“Where does this leave me?”
“With some soul-searching to do. Look deep into your heart, Leah, and you’ll find the answer to which man you want to be with. Once you know that, everything else will be clear.”
* * * * *
Stratton’s arrival at the theater wasn’t because he wanted to see a movie. He was responding to an SOS from Faye who’d been stood up (once again) by Sigmund. He found her sitting at one of the tall tables outside the concession area nursing her grievances with a humongous bucket of buttered popcorn.
“Enjoying yourself?” he asked, sitting down opposite her.
“Very much. Thanks for coming.”
“What else would I be doing on a Saturday night?”
Faye tilted her head to the side. “You could be taking your lovely ex-wife to dinner.”
Stratton laughed as he grabbed a handful of popcorn. “At the moment, that’s more of an item on my wish list. What was Sigmund’s excuse this time?”
“He doesn’t have any clean clothes.”
“That’s not something I’d admit to anyone.”
She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I’m done with him.”
“Forgive me for doubting you, but I’ve heard this before.”
“This time I mean it. I’m tired of dating a twenty-six year old who acts more like he’s eighteen. It was cute at first; now it’s just annoying.”
“I didn’t realize he was twenty-six.”
“You also didn’t know he still lives at home. I left out that part.”
“I think you’re doing the right thing. If he cares about you, he’ll get his act together and try to get you back.”
“Is that what you’re doing with Leah?”
“I was planning on it until I found out she has a boyfriend.”
“Why should that stop you? Until there’s a ring on her finger, she’s fair game.”
“First of all, I couldn’t live with myself. Secondly, Leah wouldn’t like it. And last but not least, I wouldn’t want someone doing that to me.”
She shook her head. “You’re playing nice. All is fair in love and war.”
“At the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. Are we actually goi
ng to see a movie, or just sit here and eat popcorn?”
“The next showing isn’t for twenty minutes.”
“In that case, I’m going to get a drink. Can I bring you anything?”
“I’ll take some Whoppers.”
Stratton took his place at the end of the line. In front of him was a young woman in her early twenties holding a sleeping toddler. The man with her was trying to keep their little boy from pulling down the cloth barricades. Stratton could remember Denver doing the same thing.
Sighing heavily, he shifted his glance to the entrance. It was the typical Saturday night crowd; mostly teenagers and college students with a complement of young families and older couples. In one of the lines waiting to buy tickets, he spotted a head of light blonde hair. The effect on his heartrate was immediate.
Whoever the woman was, she wasn’t alone. The man towering over her was about Stratton’s height and well built. As the couple moved closer, he was able to verify that it was indeed Leah. This was the point when a smart man would have looked away, but Stratton couldn’t manage it. He didn’t have to worry about being seen. Leah was totally absorbed in her companion.
He’d never thought of himself as the jealous type, but the sight of her with another man’s arm around her had his fists clenching at his sides. It was all he could do not to walk over there and slap the man’s hand away. Things had reached a new low when he was considering caveman tactics.
Forcing his glance back to the family in front of him didn’t help much. The damage was done. The same ‘kicked in the stomach’ feeling welled up inside him again. If Faye hadn’t been waiting on him, he would have left. Since he couldn’t do that, he had to hope he wouldn’t run into Leah and her date.
Stratton didn’t relax until the movie started. When it was over, he couldn’t have told anyone what it was about. He’d thought it was depressing knowing Leah had a boyfriend; seeing her with someone else made his hopes of getting her back seem even more improbable. Maybe this was his punishment for letting her go. If so, it was very effective.
* * * * *
Leah looked across the table at the man she knew she’d never be able to love. She’d told herself that she wanted to take things slowly and be sure of her feelings, but that wasn’t what she’d been doing. In reality, she’d been hoping that with enough time, Neil would replace Stratton in her heart. In spite of all her efforts, it hadn’t happened.
The Gift of Love (Finding Love Book 9) Page 16
