Dirty Old Men [And Other Stories] (Zane Presents)

by Omar Tyree

  You see that? This shit is driving me crazy already! he told himself.

  “Well, nah, you don’t have to ah, stay the night. I’m glad you finally went out with me and told me the truth, that’s all.”

  She leaned over to face him. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure,” he told her. “Wouldn’t you want me to tell you the truth, too?”

  “Yes.”

  “All right then.”

  Candice grinned and French kissed him in the mouth with a greedy tongue. But Samuel didn’t feel as greedy anymore. And when his young plaything had gotten dressed and left him for home, he couldn’t stop thinking about his predicament with her.

  “Fuck it, just act like I don’t even know,” he tried to tell himself.

  Unfortunately, the next few times Candice attempted to visit him at his apartment, Samuel had gotten busier with his loan applications at work. The honeymoon period at his new job had faded, and it was real work time. He even tried to explain as much to Candice.

  “Look, imagine how fuller your plate will be once you start work as a full-time teacher. I need to make it through this new adjustment period, that’s all.”

  “But why can’t I come over while you work?” she pleaded.

  “Because I really need to focus on finishing what I’m doing.”

  “So, are you saying that I would distract you?”

  “Oh, definitely. I know you would,” he admitted.

  “And you’re sure that you still want to see me?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. I don’t have as much free time as I used to have.”

  “But if you really wanted to see me, you would make time. And I would stay out of your way when I’m over. I can even come later at night if you want me to.”

  She was trying her hardest to keep their open sessions going. But Samuel didn’t feel as urgent about it any longer. He couldn’t make himself feel excited anymore about seeing her. All he could think about was a church freak trying to live out her fantasies through him. His mind wasn’t going for it, even though she pleased him so well.

  Candice then stopped calling him altogether. When Samuel realized it had been a few weeks since he had heard from her last, and that she no longer returned his calls, he visited her father’s church to see if he could bump into her again.

  He listened to Reverend Burton preach the word with uneasiness, knowing full well that he had been screwing his daughter and teaching her how to swallow his seed. But Samuel was undaunted that morning. And after a few solid weeks without a word from Candice, he needed to have her back in his life. So he socialized at the church with much of the congregation, hoping to bump into her.

  “Hey, Samuel, from the bank, right?” Sister Davis greeted him at the church.

  “Oh yeah, Sister Davis, how are you doing?” he responded gleefully.

  “Oh, I’m doing just fine. The Lord Jesus blesses me every day.”

  Samuel got right to the point. “Well, I haven’t heard from Candice lately. Has she been doing all right? I didn’t see her in here today.” He had already sat through two sermons that Sunday morning.

  Sister Davis looked at him cautiously. “Well, you probably won’t see her back in Charlotte for awhile, except on holidays. She got a new teaching job up north. She didn’t tell you?”

  Samuel dodged the question. “Up north? In what city? New York? Philly?”

  Sister Davis looked at him again, more skeptically. “Well, why don’t you call and ask her? I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it.”

  Samuel realized that his longing for Candice was maybe a little too strong. So he smiled and nodded to tone his eagerness down.

  “Yeah, I’ll call her and do that. Thanks.”

  “Well, would you like to meet her father, Reverend Burton? I can take you right on over there to meet him.”

  Samuel eyed the preacher a few feet away, talking to some of the other church members, and he wanted no parts of that. He backed away immediately. “Maybe next week. I got a few other stops I need to make this afternoon that I’m already late for,” he lied inside the church.

  “Okay, well, I’ll introduce you tom him after next Sunday’s service. And I’m glad you finally chose a good church now, Brother Samuel.”

  They both smiled at each other civilly, as Samuel nodded and backed away from her to head home.

  “Now that was crazy” he told himself outside as he headed toward his car in the parking lot.

  I gotta let the girl go, he mused. Obviously, she’s decided to move on from me.

  For weeks, Samuel wondered about Candice, hoping that she would call him back and tell him where she was and what she had been up to. Now he wished he had never told her to leave for a new city to get away from her father’s reach. And he wished that he could better handle her desire to be a passionate young woman. He also wished that he had never bothered to find out who she was. He even wished that they could start their erotic teacher/student relationship all over again.

  Samuel even went out and talked a new young Charlotte church girl into visiting him at his apartment. It was an attempt to play out a new fantasy. But this girl was hardly as willing or as expressive as Candice had been. Samuel tried his luck with her anyway.

  “Are you confident enough in yourself to walk around without any clothes on?” he asked.

  She was actually prettier and slimmer than Candice. But she was nowhere near as confident in her naked skin.

  “Oh, heck no,” the girl answered. “I can barely look at myself in the mirror. And I hate it when other people stare at me.” Then she frowned at him and set herself on guard. “But why would you ask me something like that?”

  Samuel could tell that there would be no magic with her. He forced himself to conduct his new sexual investigation anyway.

  “I wanted to know if a young, church-going woman like yourself, would be as comfortable in her body as girls who may not go to church as much, that’s all.”

  She eyed him cautiously. “Well, in my opinion, I think a lot of these girls out here need to feel more shameful about their bodies than what they do. I mean, don’t you think? I wouldn’t even dream about doing some of the things with my body that they do.”

  “Yeah, but come on now, every young woman wants to feel confident and naked for somebody. It’s all about who you want to feel naked and confident for.”

  He planned to push her conscience into a corner and get the truth out of the young church girl.

  “Well, I hope I can feel that way for my husband and only my husband.”

  “So, you’re telling me you haven’t had sex before. What are you, twenty-four years old right now?” he pressed her.

  The young woman stopped. “Excuse me?” Then she stood up. “Oh, I think it’s time for me to go. I don’t even believe you asked me something like that. What is wrong with you? You think that because I agreed to come over to your place that I’m that loose, sinful and shameless. Now I may admit that I’m nobody’s perfect angel, but I’m surely not bad enough for you to disrespect me like that. So I think it’s time for me to make a fast exit and go.”

  All Samuel did was smile. “We all got here the same way, honey. Your momma laid down and spread ’em for your daddy just like you will for your man. And I’m being honest enough to say it like it is. So you can get mad at me if you want, but at least give me credit for knowing the real desires of a woman. And more than anything else, you want to feel normal, be a normal sex fiend, just like all the rest of us.”

  The young woman stood there in his living room and was speechless for a second. How could a man be so calmly outspoken about sex with a stranger? She didn’t know him that well. But somehow he had cut through the bullshit and struck a nerve. Even though she would not be immoral enough to agree with him, she at least had to admit to herself that she would remember him speaking the truth. She did want somebody to want her sexually. And she was too attractive not to know that men of all ages would crave her.

 
; “Whatever,” she told him meekly on her way to the front door. “I’m gonna pray for you.”

  “Yeah, and then you come back and get a couple of good private lessons when you calm down, okay? I’ll be right here to teach you. And I promise that it’ll be just between me and you.”

  “Yeah, when hell freezes over,” she snapped.

  “Well then, bring a heavy jacket with you, and ear muffs.”

  When the young woman left, Samuel sat down on his living-room couch, the same one where Candice had sucked him and fucked him, while eating chicken and French fries and watching college football. And he realized that he had been turned out this time.

  “Imagine that,” he told himself. “Now she got me fiending for the next young church girl to put her true all over me.” He sighed, wishing again that he could roll back the hands of time to when he had first moved into his Charlotte apartment and invited Candice over to help him unpack…and to unwind. And after a very long period in his dating life, the teacher realized that he had become the student again.

  ADDICTED TO IT

  “WHOOOAAA, THIS SHIT WORKS! IT’S WORKING! IT’S WORKING! OOOHHH, YEAH!”

  Marion “M.J.” Jefferson was steady thrusting his sixty-three-year-old pelvis into a forty-five-year-old woman. He had taken Viagra for the first time after having problems getting his old Johnson to stay up during sex. And after recently falling limp in the middle of the act, he felt it was time to become proactive. So with a new, fully engorged dick, and a strong nut approaching, the man was in heaven, as if it was his first time fucking all over again. And when he came, boy, did he feel rejuvenated.

  He gritted his teeth, frowned up his face, and hollered, “OH, SHIT! MOTHER-FUCKER!” while squeezing the woman’s head like a medicine ball. It damn near felt like he was breaking something.

  The woman grabbed his hands away from her scalp and bent his fingers back to stop him from crushing her brains.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she cursed him.

  M.J. took a couple of quick breaths to compose himself. He felt woozy.

  “I was, I was…” He ran out of breath before he could finish.

  The woman forced herself out from under him and pushed him aside on the bed.

  “You need to get yourself some damn oxygen,” she told him. “Maybe you just too damn old for this. And that Viagra’s gonna help you all right; it’s gon’ help put you right in your damn casket.”

  M.J. had to chuckle at that one. “That ain’t a bad idea. At least I can die in some pussy.”

  Then he looked down to make sure his condom was still on. Not that it mattered with a woman who had her tubes tied. But the nut felt so good and real, he had to make sure his Johnson was still covered.

  When his partner climbed up to go to the bathroom, she stopped at the bedroom door and warned him, “Be careful what your ass hope for, you hear.”

  He stared at her aging body, overblown hips, sagging titties, and an ass tattooed by stretch marks. He thought, Shit, anything is better than hoping for that.

  So while she went to wash herself up inside the bathroom, M.J. rolled over on his back and daydreamed about higher goals.

  “Shit, if my dick can stay hard like this, I need to think about gettin’ me some younger pussy,” he commented to the ceiling.

  He clicked on the color television set with the remote and changed the channel to BET for inspiration. Everyone knew the network continued to push young videos with gyrating women all over the screen. The network’s most popular show, 106 & Park, was on. A bunch of screaming teenagers watched videos while celebrity guests appeared for cheesy interviews. The show was hosted by the male-and-female team of Terrance J and Rocsi.

  M.J. looked over the Latina female host from every angle and grunted, “Mmmph. Now I’d fuck her with this Viagra all night long. Rocsi, hunh? Damn!”

  When his partner reentered the room wearing her extra-large panties and bra, he asked, “What you think about these young video girls?”

  She frowned at him. “What about ’em?” She didn’t understand why he was even watching them. That was like watching his three granddaughters play jump rope.

  “Uhhh, nothin’,” he mumbled. She mad ’cause she never looked like them. And he went back to watching Beyoncé’s new video.

  His partner looked over at the BET channel and grunted. “Lawd, don’t let them damn pills get you into something you can’t get out of. And if you in here huffing and puffing with me, what you expect to do with somebody else? Let alone some young heffa.”

  M.J. smiled. “Shit. Sound like you jealous. All I’m doing is looking.”

  “Excuse me? Jealous of what? We ain’t even that serious for me to be jealous of somebody. Especially over your ass. You ’bout ten minutes from a heart attack.”

  M.J. got a little tired of hearing the dying jokes. “Look, now, I ain’t that damn old. Besides, I got a young spirit. I feel like I’m forty.”

  His partner laughed out loud. “Are you bullshittin’ me? Last week your ass was talking ’bout how you felt like your life was over. Now you dun’ had some Viagra, and you all in here watching videos and talking like you Quincy Jones or somebody.”

  He sat up in bed excitedly. “Hey, that’s a good one. Quincy Jones up in his seventies now, and he still got ’em.”

  “Yeah, and he ’dun had strokes, and plates in his head, and all kinds of other health problems.”

  “Aw, girl, now everybody got health problems. You got a health problem once a month until menopause. Then you’ll have another damn problem,” he joked.

  His partner stopped and gave him an evil eye, while he laughed it up.

  “Mmm-hmm, keep on laughing.”

  She started to put her clothes back on, but Marion wasn’t finished with her yet.

  “What are you doin’?”

  She frowned. “I’m taking my black ass back home. I got kids and shit to cook for. It’s almost seven o’clock.”

  He climbed up out of bed. “Hold on, let me see if it’s still working.”

  “Of course it’s still working. You think it’s gon’ wear off after one damn time. That shit stay in your system for days.”

  “So, why you only wanna do it once then? You need some women’s Viagra?”

  She stopped and stared at him again. “Sounds like them damn pills dun’ went to your mouth, too.”

  “Aww, shit, girl, don’t blame everything on them pills. I woulda wanted seconds without Viagra.”

  “Bullshit! You would’na been able to even finish the first time. You dun’ forgot already. I haven’t.” She continued pulling her clothes on.

  He cried, “So, what am I supposed to do now?”

  She looked down at his still hard dick. “Well, you better do something. But it won’t be wit’ me. And if your ass ’bout to start hoppin’ around with a bunch of women, then let me know in advance. Because I’m not trying to be a part of that nonsense.”

  M.J. didn’t know what else to say to her. She wasn’t the kind of woman to back down. And it looked as if she had already made up her mind on leaving.

  Once she got dressed and headed for the door, she looked back and rubbed it in. “Well, have fun with Vaseline Shirley.” Then she giggled on the way out.

  “Yeah, fuck you, too,” he mumbled under his breath once the front door had closed behind her. “Shit,” he cursed, thinking about his dilemma. “Fuck Vaseline Shirley! I need a real woman up in this place. Who ’da hell gon’ take Viagra just to jack the hell off?”

  So he freshened up and got dressed to hang out in his hometown of St. Louis, looking to score twice in the same night. He drove to Petey’s Bar & Grill near Interstate 70 on the north side.

  “They always got a pack of hot women up in here,” he noted to himself as he parked his car down the street from the bar.

  He walked up to the place after eight on a weeknight, with one damn thing on his mind. More pussy. As soon as he reached the door, a group of four women walked insi
de in front of him.

  Damn! Perfect timing! he assessed.

  “Hey, girl, where you been?” another woman shouted across the room as they entered.

  M.J. followed in right behind them. “Tell her you’ve been working out that perfect figure of yours,” he cracked, jumping in their business.

  The women all looked at him before any of them bothered to comment. He was a tall, ruggedly-handsome old man with plenty of thick gray hair.

  He shrugged. “I’m only telling the truth.”

  The woman he referenced was a solid physical specimen, with a mass of curly, shoulder-length hair.

  She looked back at M.J. and grinned. “Thank you.”

  He nodded to her. “You deserve it.”

  “Sounds like you got a secret admirer in here, girl?” one of her girlfriends quipped.

  “Naw, this ain’t no secret. I tells it like it is,” M.J. commented.

  “Yeah, that’s the best way to do it, ain’t it, M.J.?” one of his own friends spoke up from the bar.

  “You know it. We running out of time for bullshit,” M.J. shot back.

  He had the women intrigued. They figured he had a lot of swagger for an old man.

  “Well, where you come from, swinging like that? Hollywood?”one of the older women joked. She looked in her early forties, like M.J.’s sex partner, who had gone home to cook dinner for her children. But the main girl looked barely thirty. No wonder her figure was so tight.

  “You don’t need to be from Hollywood when you got that juice up in your system. And I’m juiced up right now,” he boasted.

  The ladies laughed it off.

  “What juice is that, Pimp Juice?” one of them teased.

  “Oh, now, I got more than that. I got the whole pill.”

  The women looked around and continued laughing. They couldn’t tell if the man was serious or not. But he sure had them going. He was making their night, and it was still early.

  “What kind of pill are you talking about?” the main girl asked him.

  With the Viagra in his system, M.J. felt as confident as ever.

  “First of all, what’s your name? And second …” He grabbed her left hand and flipped it over. “Are you married with kids yet?” Once he saw no wedding band on her finger, he said, “It looks like you’re not.”